unless youve ever been in my shoes, you wont know what im talking about. leaving. being drunk alone, thinking. talking. writing. how sad. this is what comes to those of us who are stuck. stuck in this world of never ending life. never ending life. you missed a good time tonight. its my last night here.
and who did i share it with? my students. and you know what? it was two of them that failed my class and came. i dont regret teaching. i loved it. just because of those two kids. those students. those people. those young men. those guys. thanks guys!
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
last night here
last night here. last night at purdue. thought this time would never come. but the reality of it all has suddenly overcome my mind.
it began as i had dinner tonight with my very first friend who i ever met here at purdue. kris. kris barr. from plano texas. we went out to eat tonight at la scala. we talked. remembered times from freshman and sophomore year at purdue.
and then we left.
hes moving to LA.
and i will be in michigan.
there was nothing ever between kris and i. but the fact that he and i are both leaving the place where we met was so sad. i will miss him so much. more than anything, i will miss our times together. i will miss our memories.
and its all ending. now. i see how quickly it is all coming to an end. i know other, better, bigger things lie ahead of me. i know michigan will do me good. i know who i will be living by. i know who is here and who is there for me. that is reassuring, but not completely.
will i forget purdue? will i forget AGD? will i forget the bars? will i forget the football games and breakfast club and the philanthropies and the Tower Acres bus i took to class every day? will i forget my amazing teachers who taught me so much and my friends and the strangers who i know, but dont really know? will i forget my ways around the streets and campus, will i forget the names of the bar tenders i have become "close" to each weekend as they just wave me into stacks? will i forget my sad times and my happy times and my "ME" times and my other times where i didnt know what i was doing? will i ever forget this summer when i was in depression and id go sit by the fountains at school late at night when no one else was around and campus was dead? will i forget?
i hope not.
im ok with this all. i am. its time to move on. im how old now?! sometimes i forget. once you hit 21, it seems like that is all that matters and any other age makes no difference. at least i have finally found happiness. well id say i have found about 85% happiness. im still searching for the other 15%....i know where it is too....i just cant get there.
its here. the time has come. im leaving. its like high school all over again, except this time im crying tears of sadness, not happiness. im sad to leave this place unlike i was my high school. im sad to move on, grow up, be an "adult." unlike i was at the time i graduated highschool. the best part about it all is that im already done. ive already graduated.
this whole semester i didnt walk on campus, i didnt take the bus, i didnt talk to my teachers, i didnt go into the Union or the Panhel office, i didnt drive around campus, i didnt go to the fraternities, i didnt go work out at the co-rec. i didnt do any of it. but im still sad that im leaving.
this was my life. and i think it will always remain my life. i need to write a book.
ps.....i just wrote this all after having finished a bottle of wine--alone in my empty apartment. how sad, but in reality...i am celebrating...dont know quite what im celebrating...but maybe its something like growing up, leaving, moving, starting over, being real, living, being happy, being sad but being ok with it, im celebrating my achievements. i did good this semester. i did good these last 6 months....lets see where the next six months take me......
im gonna miss place.
im gonna miss you.
im gonna miss my life.
my life here.
i will not be blue.
yellow and sunshine
lies ahead
growing up
moving on
nothing but the best
lies ahead
"lies" ahead?
am i fooling myself?
like the greeting cards say
and like i told my best friend in high school....
memories, laughter, tears.
sisters, strangers, friends.
crying, smiling, movie nights.
nights out. wild times. times i dont remember.
the times i will never forget.
and now here i am like a hermit sitting in my room drinking my bottle of cheap pink wine sobbing over the past 4.5 years and the life i am leaving behind and being scared and petrified of the life that lies ahead of me....
it began as i had dinner tonight with my very first friend who i ever met here at purdue. kris. kris barr. from plano texas. we went out to eat tonight at la scala. we talked. remembered times from freshman and sophomore year at purdue.
and then we left.
hes moving to LA.
and i will be in michigan.
there was nothing ever between kris and i. but the fact that he and i are both leaving the place where we met was so sad. i will miss him so much. more than anything, i will miss our times together. i will miss our memories.
and its all ending. now. i see how quickly it is all coming to an end. i know other, better, bigger things lie ahead of me. i know michigan will do me good. i know who i will be living by. i know who is here and who is there for me. that is reassuring, but not completely.
will i forget purdue? will i forget AGD? will i forget the bars? will i forget the football games and breakfast club and the philanthropies and the Tower Acres bus i took to class every day? will i forget my amazing teachers who taught me so much and my friends and the strangers who i know, but dont really know? will i forget my ways around the streets and campus, will i forget the names of the bar tenders i have become "close" to each weekend as they just wave me into stacks? will i forget my sad times and my happy times and my "ME" times and my other times where i didnt know what i was doing? will i ever forget this summer when i was in depression and id go sit by the fountains at school late at night when no one else was around and campus was dead? will i forget?
i hope not.
im ok with this all. i am. its time to move on. im how old now?! sometimes i forget. once you hit 21, it seems like that is all that matters and any other age makes no difference. at least i have finally found happiness. well id say i have found about 85% happiness. im still searching for the other 15%....i know where it is too....i just cant get there.
its here. the time has come. im leaving. its like high school all over again, except this time im crying tears of sadness, not happiness. im sad to leave this place unlike i was my high school. im sad to move on, grow up, be an "adult." unlike i was at the time i graduated highschool. the best part about it all is that im already done. ive already graduated.
this whole semester i didnt walk on campus, i didnt take the bus, i didnt talk to my teachers, i didnt go into the Union or the Panhel office, i didnt drive around campus, i didnt go to the fraternities, i didnt go work out at the co-rec. i didnt do any of it. but im still sad that im leaving.
this was my life. and i think it will always remain my life. i need to write a book.
ps.....i just wrote this all after having finished a bottle of wine--alone in my empty apartment. how sad, but in reality...i am celebrating...dont know quite what im celebrating...but maybe its something like growing up, leaving, moving, starting over, being real, living, being happy, being sad but being ok with it, im celebrating my achievements. i did good this semester. i did good these last 6 months....lets see where the next six months take me......
im gonna miss place.
im gonna miss you.
im gonna miss my life.
my life here.
i will not be blue.
yellow and sunshine
lies ahead
growing up
moving on
nothing but the best
lies ahead
"lies" ahead?
am i fooling myself?
like the greeting cards say
and like i told my best friend in high school....
memories, laughter, tears.
sisters, strangers, friends.
crying, smiling, movie nights.
nights out. wild times. times i dont remember.
the times i will never forget.
and now here i am like a hermit sitting in my room drinking my bottle of cheap pink wine sobbing over the past 4.5 years and the life i am leaving behind and being scared and petrified of the life that lies ahead of me....
Sunday, December 19, 2004
what the hell?!
i thought about this long and hard before i did it....i said to myself...should i show the link to my students and put it on my screen name that i gave them all?
and you know what i thought? what the hell?!?!
im done. im done here. and im done with this place.
and i am an "english teacher."
so why not? you know what i think? i WANT my kids to see this. i want them to see. i want them to WRITE. do a BLOG. be a BLOGGER. its fun. its literature. its writing. and thats all i ever wanted. all i wanted my kids to do was write. but no...i get thrown a curriculum that no one wants to learn about...or teach for that fact... but im told to do it and i have to basically. NOT FUN!!!!
i wanted them to write.
writing, i know has helped me figure out who i am. i KNOW my students write....at home, during school...whenever. write it out on here. make a blog. MAKE A BLOG! i was in high school once, remember...i know i was depressed one minute and happy the next. i KNOW how they all feel. i wish there was a class on something like "dealing with life" in high school. id be able to teach that class hands down--be a perfect teacher [if there such thing] relate to the students, help them through it all......
so thats why i did this. to show them. if i can do it, so they can they. let them read about me. let them see who i am. let them know. i dont care. i have a lot of growing up to do and i know this. its fine. let them see. they all do too....they wont admit it, but we all know its true.
if just one of my students would write and show the rest of whoever what they possess, then i would be so happy. thats all i want. let them see this. let them know. im fine with it all. just as long as one of them does something about it. maybe, i hope, they will see this and maybe they will just try a blog.
i always hated the idea of sharing what i felt and thought with others [especially on the internet...how wierd. i still hate the fact that i became a part of this. thanks amy j...hahaha. it scares me that anyone can read this....], but there is some strange relief, some strange high of knowing that others will read this. and its a simple, yet complicated type of motivation to share it...to write it....to show it....to tell it....to paste it. everytime im about to paste something i get scared for a split second...like someone i know is going to judge me if they see what i wrote or what i thought....
and then i realize that i want to be a writer and thats what being a writer is. sometimes you may offend someone. sometimes you may say something you may have not said otherwise. sometimes you do stupid things and share them with the world. but thats what being a writer is.
so "in conclusion..." be a blogger. do it. share with us what you want to say. what is on your mind? its so refreshing. its so great. be a writer. even if its not for a grade, just do it. just BE it. if no one you even know will ever read it....someone will....and thats what makes all the difference.
"just do it" ~~nike....[how stupid. i cant believe i just said that....]
and you know what i thought? what the hell?!?!
im done. im done here. and im done with this place.
and i am an "english teacher."
so why not? you know what i think? i WANT my kids to see this. i want them to see. i want them to WRITE. do a BLOG. be a BLOGGER. its fun. its literature. its writing. and thats all i ever wanted. all i wanted my kids to do was write. but no...i get thrown a curriculum that no one wants to learn about...or teach for that fact... but im told to do it and i have to basically. NOT FUN!!!!
i wanted them to write.
writing, i know has helped me figure out who i am. i KNOW my students write....at home, during school...whenever. write it out on here. make a blog. MAKE A BLOG! i was in high school once, remember...i know i was depressed one minute and happy the next. i KNOW how they all feel. i wish there was a class on something like "dealing with life" in high school. id be able to teach that class hands down--be a perfect teacher [if there such thing] relate to the students, help them through it all......
so thats why i did this. to show them. if i can do it, so they can they. let them read about me. let them see who i am. let them know. i dont care. i have a lot of growing up to do and i know this. its fine. let them see. they all do too....they wont admit it, but we all know its true.
if just one of my students would write and show the rest of whoever what they possess, then i would be so happy. thats all i want. let them see this. let them know. im fine with it all. just as long as one of them does something about it. maybe, i hope, they will see this and maybe they will just try a blog.
i always hated the idea of sharing what i felt and thought with others [especially on the internet...how wierd. i still hate the fact that i became a part of this. thanks amy j...hahaha. it scares me that anyone can read this....], but there is some strange relief, some strange high of knowing that others will read this. and its a simple, yet complicated type of motivation to share it...to write it....to show it....to tell it....to paste it. everytime im about to paste something i get scared for a split second...like someone i know is going to judge me if they see what i wrote or what i thought....
and then i realize that i want to be a writer and thats what being a writer is. sometimes you may offend someone. sometimes you may say something you may have not said otherwise. sometimes you do stupid things and share them with the world. but thats what being a writer is.
so "in conclusion..." be a blogger. do it. share with us what you want to say. what is on your mind? its so refreshing. its so great. be a writer. even if its not for a grade, just do it. just BE it. if no one you even know will ever read it....someone will....and thats what makes all the difference.
"just do it" ~~nike....[how stupid. i cant believe i just said that....]
Saturday, December 18, 2004
first snow fall
i came here in the summer. i remember standing on my balcony sweating, smoking a cigarette. the heat was about 85* in july. the nights were warm, sometimes too hot, but usually perfect nights.
tonight i looked out and saw the first snow fall. i went out on the balcony. this time with no cigarette, but with a bottle of wine. i stood out there, roommates gone. the ones who once would share a cigarette with me--have packed up and left. im the last one to go. just like i always have been. last one to leave to go away to college, last one to leave college. but i am finally ready.
the snow is beautiful. the whiteness of it. the perfection of each flake--its a wonder to my mind and to my eyes. i just stood out there. examining the last 6 months. i have changed in so many ways. some for the better and some for the worst. back to the snow...i felt like i was in a movie. just standing there looking around wondering thinking believing, not believing, knowing, loving each second of it, hating my life, loving who i have become. i was in a movie, in my head. it was the perfect scene. the ending of a really sad movie, yet its not sad at the ending of it. its when the watchers are left not knowing a thing, and they can interpret it however they want to.
sometimes i wish i could be a snowflake. travel down very very slowly until you land on something and then look around at ease and at peace and then melt away. sometimes i think my life is a snowflake. sometimes i guess i could be considered a snowflake. i guess my life could be just like the life of a snowflake.
the wine tasted much better when i was standing out on the balcony. i was in a t-shirt and sandals, like it was summer all over again. i sometimes wish it was still summer, but then i realize how i was in a serious state of depression and never want to go back to that time--ever.
my, how time has passed, and things have changed. this summer up until now has been the biggest growth spurt for me in my entire life. now that i look back at it, after these last few months of being here, i can honestly say i know who i am.
am i happy with that person? no. of course not. i can never be pleased. but thats exactly who i am and i have finally realized that.
i love the snow. i love summer nights yes of course. i love the snow though also. which is better...well im not one to judge. guess its the mood at the time.
im sad for some reason. dont know why though. am i sad to leave? yes and no. more no than yes. all i needed was one more semester and i was right. im ready to move on. so why am i sad? cant tell you. maybe its the changing of the seasons? maybe its the changing of myself? maybe its the changing of playing in the rain to playing in the snow? cant tell you why im sad. i dont know.
im gonna go. gonna go back out on my balcony in my t-shirt and sandals. gonna bring my bottle of wine out there with me. gonna go buy a pack of smokes just to have one more, one last time. its like the beginning and end at the same time. its like it ended as soon as it began. its my life.
i love the snow. the whiteness and purity of frozen water is magnificent. but only the first snowfall of course. after that the snow gets dirty and melts and turns into slush and is ugly. i only want my life to be like ONE snowflake, and like the FIRST snowfall. nothing more, nothing less.
happy first snow fall! enjoy it! pretend its summer in the winter! but make it better the second time around!
tonight i looked out and saw the first snow fall. i went out on the balcony. this time with no cigarette, but with a bottle of wine. i stood out there, roommates gone. the ones who once would share a cigarette with me--have packed up and left. im the last one to go. just like i always have been. last one to leave to go away to college, last one to leave college. but i am finally ready.
the snow is beautiful. the whiteness of it. the perfection of each flake--its a wonder to my mind and to my eyes. i just stood out there. examining the last 6 months. i have changed in so many ways. some for the better and some for the worst. back to the snow...i felt like i was in a movie. just standing there looking around wondering thinking believing, not believing, knowing, loving each second of it, hating my life, loving who i have become. i was in a movie, in my head. it was the perfect scene. the ending of a really sad movie, yet its not sad at the ending of it. its when the watchers are left not knowing a thing, and they can interpret it however they want to.
sometimes i wish i could be a snowflake. travel down very very slowly until you land on something and then look around at ease and at peace and then melt away. sometimes i think my life is a snowflake. sometimes i guess i could be considered a snowflake. i guess my life could be just like the life of a snowflake.
the wine tasted much better when i was standing out on the balcony. i was in a t-shirt and sandals, like it was summer all over again. i sometimes wish it was still summer, but then i realize how i was in a serious state of depression and never want to go back to that time--ever.
my, how time has passed, and things have changed. this summer up until now has been the biggest growth spurt for me in my entire life. now that i look back at it, after these last few months of being here, i can honestly say i know who i am.
am i happy with that person? no. of course not. i can never be pleased. but thats exactly who i am and i have finally realized that.
i love the snow. i love summer nights yes of course. i love the snow though also. which is better...well im not one to judge. guess its the mood at the time.
im sad for some reason. dont know why though. am i sad to leave? yes and no. more no than yes. all i needed was one more semester and i was right. im ready to move on. so why am i sad? cant tell you. maybe its the changing of the seasons? maybe its the changing of myself? maybe its the changing of playing in the rain to playing in the snow? cant tell you why im sad. i dont know.
im gonna go. gonna go back out on my balcony in my t-shirt and sandals. gonna bring my bottle of wine out there with me. gonna go buy a pack of smokes just to have one more, one last time. its like the beginning and end at the same time. its like it ended as soon as it began. its my life.
i love the snow. the whiteness and purity of frozen water is magnificent. but only the first snowfall of course. after that the snow gets dirty and melts and turns into slush and is ugly. i only want my life to be like ONE snowflake, and like the FIRST snowfall. nothing more, nothing less.
happy first snow fall! enjoy it! pretend its summer in the winter! but make it better the second time around!
12-17-04
time in my life: i always thought that when i graduated from purdue my life was going to end. then i graduated. and i was so scared. i stayed at school for one more semester. felt like i was everything before i graduated. and then nothing afterwards. how sad. i worked. had a real job. became an adult. all the while, thinking it was over it--college---but really seeing that it wasnt at all. they say high school is the best time in your life...well its obvious those people didnt go to college. i say that now because i had a student who wrote something about high school being the best time in her life, when she learns and finds out who she is really is...well i can only pray that she go to college and really see the truth. she knows that im talking about her and she will know what i mean after she goes to college. anyways....so im sad tonight. i cant figure out why. is it because im finally leaving? is it because that for once i thought highly of myself and though i was becoming somewhat decent at something--teaching? who knows? i feel as though i have a small bond with my students and really relate to them. if they only knew. its so funny to think that they think highly of me, or that im better, or that i am some sort of "higher up." im not at all. lets be honest. i love those kids like they are the ones i supervised at the pool. [where i worked for a few summers]. i love them. in the way that 1. i look out for them like they are my little brother or sister. 2. i want the best for them. 3. i want them to all succeed. 4. they are so awesome. i have the best time with them. they dont realize that its my job to teach them. they dont see that all i ever wanted was for them to pass the class. they dont see that i really dont care about their grades, its the school that does. they dont see that i was in their shoes only 5 years ago. they dont see. its so funny to me. i dont care. i know what high school was like. i hated high school. HATED it. remember i never was asked to a dance?! i hated school. these kids think that i know nothing. do i like usher? they ask me. how funny. do i look that old?!?! anyways...they dont get it. im not out to fail them. i love them as my students. they are so fun. they are soooooooooo funny to me.....owell. things they say, times when they fart in class, times when they fall out of their chairs. all i want to do is laugh, but no...i have to be this "Teacher" this role model type. this...someone who is not me. they can be so cool they have no idea. they all have no idea what lies ahead of them...no clue. wait til they all go to college...they will see. and they will have no clue about me or even remember me...but i will remember them. each and everyone of them....they were my first students.....how fun. they wont know me, but i will know them.
anyways...so im so sad about tonight. leaving all and everything behind me. all but my future---grad school, which ive wanted for so long now.....and now it seems so sudden. so unreal...so not there, so not true. so fake. it is fake. but im going to michigan. going there for some reason that i always told myself i would never do...for a guy. but im happy now about it. and thats all that matters. but im leaving my life. MY LIFE. this has been life for 4.5 years now. longer if you count my sister being here. 4.5 years. purdue PURDUE. wouldnt change it for the world. would not change it for the world.
ive cried my tears. ive laughed my funny times. ive drank ALL the beer. ive seen the fights, the shows, the acts. ive played the games. ive done [and passed] the classes. ive met the strangers. ive seen the bars packed and emptied. ive walked campus late at night when no one else is around. ive done it all.
and im done. ive graduated. why am i so sad about it all? its because im afraid. im afraid of change. im afraid of leaving. for once in my life i know what is real. i know what and who i am. and for once in my life i dont know what comes next. what does come next? im scared. who do i meet now? havent i met all the friends i need to know? where do i go now? home? where is that nowadays? who do i become when i am no longer here? no longer "purdue?" what then? what next? who next?
purdue. who would have thought? who would have thought me...graduating with honors---doing it all--would be so sad? i am a teacher?!?! WHAT? if those kids only knew me...haha, they would be BLOWN away!!!! haha, just ask the one who saw me on Homecoming night by the bars after i had "been out" for 17 hours...he knows. haha! if those kids only knew...it makes me think about my teachers in high school....wow! who would have thought....being a TEACHER...would make me so sad? those of you who know me, know that i complained each and everyday about it. but really, deep down inside i loved it. it was a good time. a lot of stress, but i loved it. i tried my best to have those kids pass. i did all that i could--i feel at least. maybe i could have done more? who knows? at least i know that i tried and i can learn from my mistakes and move on to being a better teacher. those kids dont have any clue how hard i tried. i hated teaching and i loved teaching because of them. i hated to love it and i loved to hate it--teaching. tried my hardest. and im so sad to leave them. i really am. had a lot of good ones, and a lot of shitty ones.
i guess i feel like ive done all i could at this place. its time to pack up and go. and im ok with that. i am ok. remember...."by tuesday i will be fine."
anyways...so im so sad about tonight. leaving all and everything behind me. all but my future---grad school, which ive wanted for so long now.....and now it seems so sudden. so unreal...so not there, so not true. so fake. it is fake. but im going to michigan. going there for some reason that i always told myself i would never do...for a guy. but im happy now about it. and thats all that matters. but im leaving my life. MY LIFE. this has been life for 4.5 years now. longer if you count my sister being here. 4.5 years. purdue PURDUE. wouldnt change it for the world. would not change it for the world.
ive cried my tears. ive laughed my funny times. ive drank ALL the beer. ive seen the fights, the shows, the acts. ive played the games. ive done [and passed] the classes. ive met the strangers. ive seen the bars packed and emptied. ive walked campus late at night when no one else is around. ive done it all.
and im done. ive graduated. why am i so sad about it all? its because im afraid. im afraid of change. im afraid of leaving. for once in my life i know what is real. i know what and who i am. and for once in my life i dont know what comes next. what does come next? im scared. who do i meet now? havent i met all the friends i need to know? where do i go now? home? where is that nowadays? who do i become when i am no longer here? no longer "purdue?" what then? what next? who next?
purdue. who would have thought? who would have thought me...graduating with honors---doing it all--would be so sad? i am a teacher?!?! WHAT? if those kids only knew me...haha, they would be BLOWN away!!!! haha, just ask the one who saw me on Homecoming night by the bars after i had "been out" for 17 hours...he knows. haha! if those kids only knew...it makes me think about my teachers in high school....wow! who would have thought....being a TEACHER...would make me so sad? those of you who know me, know that i complained each and everyday about it. but really, deep down inside i loved it. it was a good time. a lot of stress, but i loved it. i tried my best to have those kids pass. i did all that i could--i feel at least. maybe i could have done more? who knows? at least i know that i tried and i can learn from my mistakes and move on to being a better teacher. those kids dont have any clue how hard i tried. i hated teaching and i loved teaching because of them. i hated to love it and i loved to hate it--teaching. tried my hardest. and im so sad to leave them. i really am. had a lot of good ones, and a lot of shitty ones.
i guess i feel like ive done all i could at this place. its time to pack up and go. and im ok with that. i am ok. remember...."by tuesday i will be fine."
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
realizations
i just realized tonight what a horrible friend i have been to one person in particular in my life. and thats just it....he was not really so much in my life at all for the past 3 years. but you know, he was one of those people who is always in the back of your mind, just there, just thinking about them, maybe remembering something and that person pops up, or you go home and someone says "oh i saw so and so the other night," and it makes you consider calling that person just to say hi....yea, one of those....a friend...who was once a really good friend, and time or something just got in the way...life got in the way....one of those....
i found out tonight, that since the last time i talked to my friend, he has 1. met a lady 2. proposed to her 3. got engaged 4. got married 5. has a one year old daughter 6. has another baby on the way and 7. is building a house. All this has happened in his life in 3 years. i know the phone works both ways so i know that i cant be too down on myself about this, but still...after all that time of knowing each other, we slipped away from it all. i tried to tell myself "oh, it was just that i was so busy in college." but come on...sure i was always super busy, but too busy to pick up the phone and call someone? i guess it was more like an excuse; "i always tried to be too busy." how horrible.
i cant fully understand and believe that 1. its been that long since i have talked to him 2. i actually did that to someone [totally left them out in the dark] 3. never tried just a little bit harder 4. let a great friendship completely slip away 5. i had forgotten all the memories [good and bad] 6. acted that way. i am shocked with myself, and rather disgusted to be honest. when he told me what was "going on in his life" i didnt know what to say! all i could feel inside was "wow, its really been only 3 short [but long] years, and all i have done is graduate?!?!?!"
its amazing how one conversation can completely change your life, your outlook on things, and can make a person change. all i can think about now are all the people who i have lost contact with--from high school, from my freshman year at purdue, since i graduated, and not to mention all the people that i will someday lose contact with. its a given. people move on--to bigger and [sometimes] better things. people move on--not necessarily "get over" a person, but everyone sometime or another has to move on--grow up. i guess it just wanst until today that i realized what could happen from the time you talk to someone until you talk to them again, someday down the road. [how interesting my high school reunion is going to be....] you just do---move on. you have to. everyone has their own lives and day by day each one of us moves on. not everyone you know is going to know about it either. it takes two. both parties have to give a little. how strange. i didnt think back then that when the next time came that i talk to this person, he was going to be married, with two children, and building a house for him and his family to live in. its amazing how some of us just grow up so much quicker than others.
i guess my only advice is dont wait 3 years to call someone. try a little harder. you never know what you are going to miss. and trust me, feeling the way i do right now sucks. i still cant believe that 3 years ago we were talking about buying new cars and working together at best buy....its so cliche, but my....how time flies...[when youre having fun...], and only if its truly "having fun." not making up an excuse that you were.
people i need to call or write to tomorrow....hmm....
----->(i guess though, what would suck more, is when you try to get in contact with someone and they just dont try back--at all--its like they dont care about you or your life at all anymore. im sure that is worse, and more depressing. im glad that at least i have come to this realization and can change. otherwise, one day---someone out there is going to want to contact someone, and that person wont be around anymore. and thats probably an even worse feeling to have than the one i have right now..... at least you know that you were the one who tried...thats all a person can do....thats another blog, another time.....)<------
i found out tonight, that since the last time i talked to my friend, he has 1. met a lady 2. proposed to her 3. got engaged 4. got married 5. has a one year old daughter 6. has another baby on the way and 7. is building a house. All this has happened in his life in 3 years. i know the phone works both ways so i know that i cant be too down on myself about this, but still...after all that time of knowing each other, we slipped away from it all. i tried to tell myself "oh, it was just that i was so busy in college." but come on...sure i was always super busy, but too busy to pick up the phone and call someone? i guess it was more like an excuse; "i always tried to be too busy." how horrible.
i cant fully understand and believe that 1. its been that long since i have talked to him 2. i actually did that to someone [totally left them out in the dark] 3. never tried just a little bit harder 4. let a great friendship completely slip away 5. i had forgotten all the memories [good and bad] 6. acted that way. i am shocked with myself, and rather disgusted to be honest. when he told me what was "going on in his life" i didnt know what to say! all i could feel inside was "wow, its really been only 3 short [but long] years, and all i have done is graduate?!?!?!"
its amazing how one conversation can completely change your life, your outlook on things, and can make a person change. all i can think about now are all the people who i have lost contact with--from high school, from my freshman year at purdue, since i graduated, and not to mention all the people that i will someday lose contact with. its a given. people move on--to bigger and [sometimes] better things. people move on--not necessarily "get over" a person, but everyone sometime or another has to move on--grow up. i guess it just wanst until today that i realized what could happen from the time you talk to someone until you talk to them again, someday down the road. [how interesting my high school reunion is going to be....] you just do---move on. you have to. everyone has their own lives and day by day each one of us moves on. not everyone you know is going to know about it either. it takes two. both parties have to give a little. how strange. i didnt think back then that when the next time came that i talk to this person, he was going to be married, with two children, and building a house for him and his family to live in. its amazing how some of us just grow up so much quicker than others.
i guess my only advice is dont wait 3 years to call someone. try a little harder. you never know what you are going to miss. and trust me, feeling the way i do right now sucks. i still cant believe that 3 years ago we were talking about buying new cars and working together at best buy....its so cliche, but my....how time flies...[when youre having fun...], and only if its truly "having fun." not making up an excuse that you were.
people i need to call or write to tomorrow....hmm....
----->(i guess though, what would suck more, is when you try to get in contact with someone and they just dont try back--at all--its like they dont care about you or your life at all anymore. im sure that is worse, and more depressing. im glad that at least i have come to this realization and can change. otherwise, one day---someone out there is going to want to contact someone, and that person wont be around anymore. and thats probably an even worse feeling to have than the one i have right now..... at least you know that you were the one who tried...thats all a person can do....thats another blog, another time.....)<------
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
i know...
i know i cant push time but i want it to be tomorrow
i am so impatient.
i say im too busy for love but i want true love today
i say i want to be independent but im just too stubborn to admit i need anyone
i know im not fat but i want to lose 12 pounds
i love to hate and i hate to love
i want to love but i hate hugging
i think i need to be better than others but i know im fine the way i am
i think im not worth anything but i am to at least one person out there
i know i should be happy but i cry myself to sleep sometimes
i want to be an actress and i put on a show each day
im here.
i feel strong but i know im weak
i know im jealous of others but i have a great life
i open up to anyone but no one knows the real me
i try to figure out who i am but i dont know the real me
i realize all of this.
i know there are people here for me but i dont give them a chance
i know i give good advice but i never listen to myself
i know its easier to be happy but i put more effort into being mad
i know im sheltered but i know a lot
i have so many goals but i always make up excuses to work towards them
i have this front that i know im just afraid to lose
i know im an adult but inside im just a child
just a child
i know all of this.
so what then?
i am so impatient.
i say im too busy for love but i want true love today
i say i want to be independent but im just too stubborn to admit i need anyone
i know im not fat but i want to lose 12 pounds
i love to hate and i hate to love
i want to love but i hate hugging
i think i need to be better than others but i know im fine the way i am
i think im not worth anything but i am to at least one person out there
i know i should be happy but i cry myself to sleep sometimes
i want to be an actress and i put on a show each day
im here.
i feel strong but i know im weak
i know im jealous of others but i have a great life
i open up to anyone but no one knows the real me
i try to figure out who i am but i dont know the real me
i realize all of this.
i know there are people here for me but i dont give them a chance
i know i give good advice but i never listen to myself
i know its easier to be happy but i put more effort into being mad
i know im sheltered but i know a lot
i have so many goals but i always make up excuses to work towards them
i have this front that i know im just afraid to lose
i know im an adult but inside im just a child
just a child
i know all of this.
so what then?
boredom
im gonna get out of this place
as soon as i can find my way
but until then all i gotta say:
is look a little deeper
try a little harder
keep focused
the stars tell it all
they never lie
and from what i can see
you have a beautiful future
as soon as i can find my way
but until then all i gotta say:
is look a little deeper
try a little harder
keep focused
the stars tell it all
they never lie
and from what i can see
you have a beautiful future
Thursday, October 21, 2004
stupid
"Stupid is forever, ignorance can be fixed. " ~don wood
you would think that the stupid ones could be fixed--you know have them learn something--a fun fact or an important date in history.
but its the ignorant ones that are able to learn from being stupid.
at least the ignorant ones have some hope....
you would think that the stupid ones could be fixed--you know have them learn something--a fun fact or an important date in history.
but its the ignorant ones that are able to learn from being stupid.
at least the ignorant ones have some hope....
Monday, October 11, 2004
sleep
there are a few lines in this song that i like and it makes me think about sleeping each time i hear it:
"As im all by myself tonight, not again, not again. And dont it feel alright. And dont it feel so nice. Lovely."
whether it is in reference to simply staying in on a friday night watching tv by yourself, or going to bed alone--lately whenever im getting ready to rest my eyes this line pops up into my mind...
i used to want to be held each night before i went to bed. lately im finding peace in the simplicities [and in the complexities] of being alone. sleeping alone. i can spread out in my own bed....its just a twin, but its perfect for me. sometimes i still yearn for arms around me. but more so than not, im enjoying tossing and turning--alone. it may seem to some people that its a sad line; being "by myself tonight." but thats where the simplicities and complexities come into play.
its an oxymoron, really. the complexities may seem more obvious, being alone; again; which means it occurs more than once. most would take that as a negative--a sad thing--being alone. but the simplicities; the peacefulness, of just being at ease, asleep, dreaming in my own world....to me that is the positive. its simple.
it does feel alright. it does feel so nice.
that one line: "lovely." it is.
thanks mraz
"As im all by myself tonight, not again, not again. And dont it feel alright. And dont it feel so nice. Lovely."
whether it is in reference to simply staying in on a friday night watching tv by yourself, or going to bed alone--lately whenever im getting ready to rest my eyes this line pops up into my mind...
i used to want to be held each night before i went to bed. lately im finding peace in the simplicities [and in the complexities] of being alone. sleeping alone. i can spread out in my own bed....its just a twin, but its perfect for me. sometimes i still yearn for arms around me. but more so than not, im enjoying tossing and turning--alone. it may seem to some people that its a sad line; being "by myself tonight." but thats where the simplicities and complexities come into play.
its an oxymoron, really. the complexities may seem more obvious, being alone; again; which means it occurs more than once. most would take that as a negative--a sad thing--being alone. but the simplicities; the peacefulness, of just being at ease, asleep, dreaming in my own world....to me that is the positive. its simple.
it does feel alright. it does feel so nice.
that one line: "lovely." it is.
thanks mraz
Friday, October 01, 2004
things to do
run in circles in the sand then fall and roll around in it and then throw the sand up in the air and let it fall all over you. laugh. cry. call your exes. reconcile with enemies. call home. write your siblings a letter. lightening bugs: catch them. BBQ's. concerts. vacations. write a book. butterfly exhibits at the zoo--wear hairspray and perfume so they come to you. moon walks. dance in the hallways at school. go back to the very first house you ever lived in. watch home movies. rake leaves and jump in them with a kid. shovel the snow for your parents. take an airplane flight alone and then get off and take a vacation by yourself. meet new strangers. sit at a bar alone. go to see a sad movie alone and cry. bring a friend to get your carwashed. buy a poster of your favorite singer and put it on your door. email friends from elementary school. write a thank you card to one of your teachers. visit your highschool. go to your high school's homecoming football game. play with the puppies at the humane society. befriend a 13 year old. jump in a pool with your clothes on. do a keg stand. body surf. parasail. go to wisconsin with a group of friends. do things in the name of love. trust your heart. believe in fate and destiny. learn one new thing each day. vote. buy an old car. take your parents out to dinner. make a neckalce out of beads and wear it out. paint your walls and get dirty. color easter eggs and hide them even if its for yourself. bonfires. kiss in public. cook dinner by using your grandma's recipies. visit the country your ancestors are from. go to a minor league baseball game. watch fireworks. on your birthday tell everyone that its your special day. go to a seafood restaurant. try a liquid cocaine shot. be the first one on the dance floor. call a radio station and request a song. enter contests. live. have a pet. take a nap in a park. play on a playground. volunteer--be philanthropic. visit a nursing home and listen to their stories they want to share. try. fail. smile. eat. drink kool-ade. drink beer on the train.....more to be added later.......
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
moon walks
i love it when the summer begins to turn to autumn. it really has to be my favorite time of year. i had this epiphany last fall when i was driving home to Brian's over October Break. on the way to Michigan there are a lot of long stretches of trees off the highways. the colors on the trees are what really got to me last year. really, take a look around you this fall. look at the trees. the colors that the leaves turn amazes me. its a rainbow. such a wide variety of shades of red, orange, yellow, green, brown. i think its simply one of nature's wonders. even though i know that the leaves are dying--nothing more, they are dying; losing life. yet, nothing looked so beautiful at the end of its life. if you take a moment to think about it, youll see the irony. i hope i look like a leaf when im dying--beautiful and still full of color, lively.
i love the crisp air in the fall. time for sweatshirts again, finally. the sun is still warm--not as hot, but its still able to warm your face when you're outside. thats all i need: cool air and warm sun on my face.
not as many bugs out. pumpkins. warm apple cider. apples--i swear apples taste better in the fall. red ones though. green ones are for summer.
i love the cool fall nights with the bright full moons. i truly believe that the moons are brighter in the fall.
go on a moon walk.
everything fades away
in the moonlight
but i can see your face
i can feel your presence
and hear your voice
even though you're miles away
i feel the coolness
of the night
i feel the warmth
of the moon light
and the stars remind me of you
i love the crisp air in the fall. time for sweatshirts again, finally. the sun is still warm--not as hot, but its still able to warm your face when you're outside. thats all i need: cool air and warm sun on my face.
not as many bugs out. pumpkins. warm apple cider. apples--i swear apples taste better in the fall. red ones though. green ones are for summer.
i love the cool fall nights with the bright full moons. i truly believe that the moons are brighter in the fall.
go on a moon walk.
everything fades away
in the moonlight
but i can see your face
i can feel your presence
and hear your voice
even though you're miles away
i feel the coolness
of the night
i feel the warmth
of the moon light
and the stars remind me of you
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
mosquitos
the enemy had won
My will power
had failed me
Their will power
hungry
I tried staying as long as
i could outside
but there were so
many
I began to become a human
honey suckle
my blood golden
I stuck it out as long as
i could oustide--
my will power
Once one flew
in my ear
I gave up
packed up
my will power
8:26pm, 8/2/4
**************
this was something that i wrote when i was in Door County with my family this summer. it came back to me this weekend when i was outside and got eaten alive. damn things! i hate them!
Millions of them--
billions
tiny little things that cause so much annoyance!
My will power
had failed me
Their will power
hungry
I tried staying as long as
i could outside
but there were so
many
I began to become a human
honey suckle
my blood golden
I stuck it out as long as
i could oustide--
my will power
Once one flew
in my ear
I gave up
packed up
my will power
8:26pm, 8/2/4
**************
this was something that i wrote when i was in Door County with my family this summer. it came back to me this weekend when i was outside and got eaten alive. damn things! i hate them!
Millions of them--
billions
tiny little things that cause so much annoyance!
Saturday, September 11, 2004
sometimes all you need is home
random, just get up and go. sometimes you just need to go home. sometimes you just need your own bed, your family, old faces, and hilarious neighbors...
so miss the first breakfast club of the year (drinking this early kills me, i can do without it), miss the game (its ball state it's fine), miss your friends that are in town visiting (sorry guys), miss the fun times at the bars (they will be so crowded anyways)...
eat mcdonalds breakfast in the car and have my own breakfast club, go home and watch the game with your mom (shell do the laundry without me even asking her), see old friends (im finally coming home), go to the local pubs at home (ok, so a beer is $5, but you dont have to wait)
so miss the first breakfast club of the year (drinking this early kills me, i can do without it), miss the game (its ball state it's fine), miss your friends that are in town visiting (sorry guys), miss the fun times at the bars (they will be so crowded anyways)...
eat mcdonalds breakfast in the car and have my own breakfast club, go home and watch the game with your mom (shell do the laundry without me even asking her), see old friends (im finally coming home), go to the local pubs at home (ok, so a beer is $5, but you dont have to wait)
Friday, September 10, 2004
cont.
since im on this whole "what should i do with my life" streak, i decided to run into Borders earlier. i walked to the "self help" section...somehow i knew thats where i needed to go. what did i find, but a book titled "what should I do with MY life?" so i bought it.
http://www.pobronson.com/index_what_should_I_do_with_my_life.htm
http://www.pobronson.com/index_what_should_I_do_with_my_life.htm
Thursday, September 09, 2004
go figure
so, after seeing a "counselor" about figuring out my life, she tells me to go take this test that costs like $10-20. so i go and take it. fill in 1000 bubbles on a scantron, sit there for 45 minutes. its those tests that tell you what kind of personality you have and what you are good at and what you should do with your life and what you would fail at. i take it. get my results back. what are the top 10 careers that it says i would be good at: elementary school teacher, community service organizer, school administrator, special ed. teacher, public relations director, high school counselor, lawyer, paralegal, corporate trainer, and english teacher.
so...i paid this money and spent all this time to figure out that what i would be good at is either: 1. what i majored in and hate, 2. what my dad wants me to be, 3. something i have no interest in or, 4. a career that my major has nothing to do with which means that i would have to go back to school and take out more loans just so i can get another degree
so, once again i am stuck at square one on trying to figure out my life...
(maybe its a sign that i should just give teaching a try?!?!)
so...i paid this money and spent all this time to figure out that what i would be good at is either: 1. what i majored in and hate, 2. what my dad wants me to be, 3. something i have no interest in or, 4. a career that my major has nothing to do with which means that i would have to go back to school and take out more loans just so i can get another degree
so, once again i am stuck at square one on trying to figure out my life...
(maybe its a sign that i should just give teaching a try?!?!)
first time
so, for the record--and i told amy j that i would do this first-- im using her as an inspiration for doing this--this blog thing. ok, so maybe i am copying her a bit, but its fine. she told me that it was. anyways, so amy j: here is YOUR"shout-out!" thanks for the approval. ps, check out her blogs, she wants visitors: amyj28.blogspot.com
now...so this is a blog. hmmm...this could be fun. i think that i might become obsessed with it actually. i really dont know what im supposed to do with this...ha, i think this is so funny for some reason.
im sick. tonight i am sick. so i stayed in and watched two chick flicks...alone. i sat on my bed and drank fruit punch kool-ade. (its my favorite.) "the prince and me," which i think that i probably could have written that movie myself--3 years ago when i took a film class in school, it was that typical. and then i watched "13 going on 30." cute movie. that one i actually liked.
that kinda makes me think back to when i was 13. what was i?...in 8th grade? id have to say that my 8th grade was probably the best grade of my life looking back on it. besides freshman year at purdue, 8th grade was just so much fun...
the 7th and 8th grade dances once a month, your first kiss, your first slow dance, hanging out at friends' houses every weekend, going to movies in huge groups, sneaking out [we would always "camp" in back yards and then all meet up and just hang out at my elementary school. it was normal back then.], smoking your first cigarette, getting a hair cut like jennifer aniston...
8th grade was also my grunge stage though. i remember always hanging out with the skaters and bikers. thats funny because i was a cheerleader in 8th grade. how random.
whats so true, like in the movie, is that when you are younger, you just want to be an adult...you want to be treated like one, you want to wear makeup, drive a car, etc. and now, being only 22, id give anything to go back to being 13. id love to not be able to drive a car and have my parents and my friends parents pick us up and drive us everywhere. id love not having money and having my parents buy me everything still, id love not having much responsibility and being teated like a KID.
i see this going on with my brother. hes 12. he just started jr. high. the same school where i went. although now it has a new gym, cafeteria, and even a new hallway. figures...that happened the year after i left.
i look at my brother and see him starting this new phase in his life and i can only begin to think back to that same time in mine. i know i was so scared and nervous to go to "jr. high." but when i talk to him, he seems fine. i know guys are different, but i know deep down inside of him, somewhere, he gets nervous. but i see him, and all i can think of is my time in jr. high. it sounds so childish, but i can remember so much of those two years in 7th and 8th grade. and they were 2 amazing years.
my brother acts as if i dont know a thing about him and his friends. and although it was 10 years ago i was in his place, i can remember so much. at least i am able to talk to him about it though. like the other day i was talking to him online and i was telling him that he was going to have so much fun at the dances---he refuses to go though, because hes "too cool." although back in my day, the dances were what was "cool." anyways...i told him how hes going to start hanging out at his friends houses...like in the basements with guys AND girls....and hes convinced that my parents are sooo strict that they wont let him. but what he doesnt understand is that i have his back. A. my parents would let him. and B. even if they said no, id talk them into it. all i have to do is remind them that i did it when i was his age. and i know we werent up to doing anything bad....watching movies, maybe playing a bit of Truth or Dare and getting that first kiss...but if it didnt happen back then in someone's basement, it was going to happen somwhere else....
but my brother, what an awesome kid...hes still a kid to me...he wants to be treated like an adult. he doesnt understand why my parents wont let him get a cell phone. he wants to be able to go wherever he wants and not have to call in. sound familiar? i totally remember being the same way. now...i call my parents more than ever and i dont even have to. its so funny how things turn out isnt it? how funny....back then you just didnt want anything to do with your parents. and now, i dont think that i would be able to survive without them.
oh my little brother...that is a whole other blog in itself. i could talk for ages about him and what i think of him. hes amazing.
back to the subject....growing up sucks. i wish i was 13 all over again. its such an awkward time though. i feel like everyone is ugly at age 13. looking back...my friends and myself included where all in that "funny looking" stage...puberty. you know...when guys are getting their growth spurts, and girls are becoming "developed" and you get pimples, and still have--or maybe are--finally losing that baby fat, and just everyone seemed so funny. besides all that, i still would love to go back and be 13 again. who wouldnt?
at least for the next two years of my life, i can relive those jr. high times through my brother. i cant wait to hear his stories! and the best part is, is that i will make him tell me all about it because i want to hear them all! its not like hes going to go up to my parents and tell them about what went on at the movies or in someones basement. he really has no one at home...not with his sister and i gone...but i cant wait for him to tell me everything. oh...i could be like a chaperone at the dance...ok, just kidding i would probably embarrass my brother so much...i know better.....
its amazing what one chick flick can make you think of isnt it? i knew i was going to become obsessed with this and just ramble on....
(and im obsessed with the elipsis: ....)
now...so this is a blog. hmmm...this could be fun. i think that i might become obsessed with it actually. i really dont know what im supposed to do with this...ha, i think this is so funny for some reason.
im sick. tonight i am sick. so i stayed in and watched two chick flicks...alone. i sat on my bed and drank fruit punch kool-ade. (its my favorite.) "the prince and me," which i think that i probably could have written that movie myself--3 years ago when i took a film class in school, it was that typical. and then i watched "13 going on 30." cute movie. that one i actually liked.
that kinda makes me think back to when i was 13. what was i?...in 8th grade? id have to say that my 8th grade was probably the best grade of my life looking back on it. besides freshman year at purdue, 8th grade was just so much fun...
the 7th and 8th grade dances once a month, your first kiss, your first slow dance, hanging out at friends' houses every weekend, going to movies in huge groups, sneaking out [we would always "camp" in back yards and then all meet up and just hang out at my elementary school. it was normal back then.], smoking your first cigarette, getting a hair cut like jennifer aniston...
8th grade was also my grunge stage though. i remember always hanging out with the skaters and bikers. thats funny because i was a cheerleader in 8th grade. how random.
whats so true, like in the movie, is that when you are younger, you just want to be an adult...you want to be treated like one, you want to wear makeup, drive a car, etc. and now, being only 22, id give anything to go back to being 13. id love to not be able to drive a car and have my parents and my friends parents pick us up and drive us everywhere. id love not having money and having my parents buy me everything still, id love not having much responsibility and being teated like a KID.
i see this going on with my brother. hes 12. he just started jr. high. the same school where i went. although now it has a new gym, cafeteria, and even a new hallway. figures...that happened the year after i left.
i look at my brother and see him starting this new phase in his life and i can only begin to think back to that same time in mine. i know i was so scared and nervous to go to "jr. high." but when i talk to him, he seems fine. i know guys are different, but i know deep down inside of him, somewhere, he gets nervous. but i see him, and all i can think of is my time in jr. high. it sounds so childish, but i can remember so much of those two years in 7th and 8th grade. and they were 2 amazing years.
my brother acts as if i dont know a thing about him and his friends. and although it was 10 years ago i was in his place, i can remember so much. at least i am able to talk to him about it though. like the other day i was talking to him online and i was telling him that he was going to have so much fun at the dances---he refuses to go though, because hes "too cool." although back in my day, the dances were what was "cool." anyways...i told him how hes going to start hanging out at his friends houses...like in the basements with guys AND girls....and hes convinced that my parents are sooo strict that they wont let him. but what he doesnt understand is that i have his back. A. my parents would let him. and B. even if they said no, id talk them into it. all i have to do is remind them that i did it when i was his age. and i know we werent up to doing anything bad....watching movies, maybe playing a bit of Truth or Dare and getting that first kiss...but if it didnt happen back then in someone's basement, it was going to happen somwhere else....
but my brother, what an awesome kid...hes still a kid to me...he wants to be treated like an adult. he doesnt understand why my parents wont let him get a cell phone. he wants to be able to go wherever he wants and not have to call in. sound familiar? i totally remember being the same way. now...i call my parents more than ever and i dont even have to. its so funny how things turn out isnt it? how funny....back then you just didnt want anything to do with your parents. and now, i dont think that i would be able to survive without them.
oh my little brother...that is a whole other blog in itself. i could talk for ages about him and what i think of him. hes amazing.
back to the subject....growing up sucks. i wish i was 13 all over again. its such an awkward time though. i feel like everyone is ugly at age 13. looking back...my friends and myself included where all in that "funny looking" stage...puberty. you know...when guys are getting their growth spurts, and girls are becoming "developed" and you get pimples, and still have--or maybe are--finally losing that baby fat, and just everyone seemed so funny. besides all that, i still would love to go back and be 13 again. who wouldnt?
at least for the next two years of my life, i can relive those jr. high times through my brother. i cant wait to hear his stories! and the best part is, is that i will make him tell me all about it because i want to hear them all! its not like hes going to go up to my parents and tell them about what went on at the movies or in someones basement. he really has no one at home...not with his sister and i gone...but i cant wait for him to tell me everything. oh...i could be like a chaperone at the dance...ok, just kidding i would probably embarrass my brother so much...i know better.....
its amazing what one chick flick can make you think of isnt it? i knew i was going to become obsessed with this and just ramble on....
(and im obsessed with the elipsis: ....)
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