back again

I really need to start writing more and more. 

Song #1

I’m done. 

I gotta be. 

It was fun

Though

For the short time it lasted

You aren’t lying, 

but you’re sure not telling me the truth. 

You left out some details

It’s my time

raisin my white sail 

even though i don’t want to

I do not need to be sitting here 

wine glass in my hand

wondering if and when you’ll call

I’m better than that 

You tell me all I want to hear

and it’s so sweet

i think you mean it

but you need to get 

your own shit together first

Figure out what you want

i cant promise I’ll still be here

I do not need to be sitting here 

wine glass in my hand

wondering if and when you’ll call

I’m better than that

I’ve been here and done this

many times before

unfortunately for you 

i have learned from guys like you

Trying my hardest 

not to care

spare

me the time 

spare me my tears

Figure it out

see if i’m here when youre done

I do not need to be sitting here 

wine glass in my hand

wondering if and when you’ll call

I’m better than that

you wont call

and i know

i’m better than this

...............But my wine is good

White wine from a box

worth it

worth drinking it 

if it’s to get over you....

again, its been a while

and i just finished a 6-pack. 

i sense myself getting back into the old habit of drinking away, or into, my problems and depressions. 

its summer. 

im here in michigan. 

i feel alone. 

although i have people in my life. 

i think. 

sometimes i just get too caught up in the fact that everyone seems to have their own lives. 

already. 

families. 

kids. 

their own/other friends. 

me. not so much. 

im just a floater. 

and i really, usually, enjoy it. 

most of the time. 

except for nights like these. 

then i start to sulk and feel sorry for myself. 

like why i ever moved here. and why im still here. its because i always seem to tell myself that there is supposed to be something here for me. 

i just need to find it. 

and maybe its here already. or maybe its not. but how am i supposed to know? 

so i start to feel sorry for myself. 

i start to think about moving. and going somewhere else. but where? 

wont it just be the same if i go someplace else? wherever that may be...everyone will be established. everyone will have someone else in their lives. everyone will have their own life. 

it doesnt matter. 

i will never be happy it seems. i will never find what i am looking for. or at least it seems. sometimes i just wish that what i dream....actually dream...at night...when i wake up in cold or hot sweats...would come true. 

OXYMORON

1657, from Gk. oxymoron, noun use of neut. of oxymoros (adj.) "pointedly foolish," from oxys "sharp" + moros "stupid." Rhetorical figure by which contradictory terms are conjoined so as to give point to the statement or expression; the word itself is an illustration of the thing. Now often used loosely to mean "contradiction in terms."

"Fictional Memoir" 

my story

it's going well. but what can i say? it's only january 3rd and i am still on break from work. hopefully i will still manage to find the time to write once i start teaching again. at the same time, i hope my life takes me some places that will be really good for Steph's story. I want drama, but not all the time. I want "good" drama. But I am really good at embellishing and using my imagination, so if it doesn't happen, i can always write it into the story. 

i know i know...I'm using my real name for my story. I could not think of a better one to use. I thought of what i thought i look like? you know...like people sometimes say, "oh you look like a [insert random name here]..." and i thought i simply look like me; a Stephanie. I also thought of what the other options of my name could have been based off of what my parents told me, and Kimberly just does not suit me at all. Plus, according to my parents, my sister chose the name Stephanie. And it means "crown" and i like crowns. ha. lastly, i figured this new "story" of mine is just that: Mine. 

like i say on the blog: my story. her story. living through my words.

1/2 fiction

1/2 non fiction

factual fiction / fictional facts

Writers

"Writers crave Experience."

2 more days

when i was a young girl i remember reading this book. i have no idea what the title was called. i didnt actually read it; my mom or dad read it to me each night. i remember my dad reading it to me more than my mom actually. it was a story that went on for 365 days. each night/day you would read a page of the story and it told the lives/story of a little group of animal friends and their families. 

i looked it up and searched and searched. my parents have no idea what it is that i am talking about. i know this is actually one thing that i am NOT making up from my childhood...sometimes i feel as though i think things that never really happened. i know this to be true. the only thing i could find is this: 

http://www.logan.com/loganberry/most-gilbert.html

AND

http://www.alibris.com/search/books/qwork/8391887/used/A%20Story-A-Day:%20365%20Stories%20&%20Rhymes

But it's not it! the book i was talking about was a continuous story....about a group of animals that lived on a street and were all friends and their story continued each day. it was great. i am so sad that i cannot find it. 

But that is not what i am talking about. i am so sad that i cannot find it online. anyways, the point of this post is this:

i plan on doing the same exact thing. starting on january 1st. i plan to document my 2009 year. however, since i have always wanted to be a writer, i plan to make it [as jimmy buffett would say]: "FICTIONAL FACTS, AND FACTUAL FICTION" 

in other words, what is typed might not all be true, while some of it may be. i am excited about this, as i can finally do something that i have wanted to do with my life. [hopefully] each night, or morning, i will update the story of me, or shall i say, my character. it will be so much fun. i cannot wait. i will post the new blog site for my story. please help me along with this, as i think many of us will be able to relate to this young woman's story.  

happy new year. i am hoping this is the year of Stephanie. i think it's about my time! =) 

my speech

written over a bottle of white wine. "there was not a dry eye in the room." it went something like this. i did improv a bit once i was up there. 

You know the second you asked me to be your maid of honor, i sat down and wrote my speech. i’m sure you are not all that surprised. So, here it all goes:

“Treat your love like a firefly. like it only gets to shine for a little while. catch it in a Mason jar with holes on the top. and then run like hell to show it off.” 

i know you both are not big country fans, but its one of my favorite lyrics. and when i sat down to write this, its the first thing that came to my mind. 

you guys have a love like a firefly’s light--you need to run with it and show it off. you need to show others that true love does exist. run with it. show it off. let everyone know. 

now, for each of you....

kyle, i will start with you, because you are the easy one. you are amazing. i am so happy my sister found you. you are her disco ball to her dance floor; and she is your italian dressing to your cheese cubes. (i will never understand your weird food cravings between that and vanilla frosting right out of the jar.) anyways, you are my sister’s balance. you make her not only a better person, you make her the woman i know she always longed to be. when she is stressed, you calm her down. you see the best in her and it shows. she is happy. not just content. she is perfect with you. you together are harmony.  i really believe she found herself through you. you are the man she always longed to find. and i cannot be happier that she found you. kyle, i am so happy and proud to call you my brother. 

Kristina - i dont even know where to start. im sure by this time as i read this i will be crying, as i am crying while i write it. we have had a long, dramatic, life together. you know this, i know this. mom and dad REALLY know this. kyle knows this. its no secret. but i want you to know how much i love you. as a sister and a friend. it’s a shame i had to wait until your wedding to tell you this. so it’s now or never. you are amazing. you are so strong---just like mom. i look up to you both like you can never imagine. i think throughout our lives together i have envied that about you. [perfect example, i am probably crying now, and you are sitting there straight faced and serious. i am weak, you are strong.] you are everything i am not. and it’s that about you which i absolutely love. i am so happy that you found your true love, kyle. you have no idea how happy i am for you both. i am truly honored that you gave in and asked me to be your maid of honor. i know it sounds cheesy, but this has been one of my childhood dreams - to be my older sister’s maid of honor. to help you with your dress, to be up here tonight. to be your right-hand-man, or woman--on this most special day in your life, i could not ask for anything more. I am so proud of you--for everything you have accomplished in your life. for doing things on your own, for taking risks, for believing in me and always being honest--even when the truth hurts. i can always count on you. for 26 years of my life you have been there for me. whether its pushing me off my bike, fighting over something stupid, whatever.  you are and always will be-- my sister, and my friend. 

let us raise our glasses - - -

To you both, continue to bring out the best in each other. continue to be yourselves. continue to love. just continue. forever. 

May your light shine longer than any firefly. may that same light shine forever between the two of you. and may others look to your light, your love, as the perfect example. 

I love you both. Congratulations.

something else i wrote a few weeks ago

i cannot sleep. its late for me--almost ten on a week night. yet, my brain is being over taken by these thoughts. thoughts of the past. its been a week now since i talked to you. before that it had been about 2 years. your voice was the same. your stubborn attitude. your monotone, laid-back, relaxed responses. still kills me. for years now it’s always been you. you are all i think about. and i know i am the last girl, the last person, the last one you think about. i feel this...thing...this feeling...this spark that is still there. and i know, deep down inside that you still do think about me...even if it is just now and then. once a year. when you hear my favorite cheese. i know. and i tell myself i cannot wait forever. but i think i will. until someone else walks into my life that i dont actually compare to you. 

there is someone who loves me more than his own life. someone who would and who does absolutely anything and everything for me. yet i just cannot get myself to feel the same way about him. its sad really. in all honesty. that there is a person out there who feels that much love towards someone. towards me. and that i can not give it back to him. its depressing. its a tragedy really. a true and complete tragedy. 

one of the last things you told me was to let go of my emotional ties and that its time to move on. thanks ass hole as if i dont know that already. and by the way, im working on it. i am practicing each night before i go to bed. asking the Lord to give me strength to move on. so far He has not shown me the light completely, but i know He will. I am beginning to truly leave my hope and faith in Him. something you would never approve of, im sure. something you would never believe in. something i would never have gotten to know if i was still with you. but something that is now within me. and something that no one can take away from me. 

monday night 9:50 - 10:27 dec 1 2008

scary

sometimes i write on my computer and then save it just because i am not connected to the internet to post right away. i was just looking through my files, and found an entry titled "scary one." i almost posted it, but then i read it. i am messed up. that is all i have to say. i could not believe that i wrote what i wrote. maybe one day if i get the nerve i will post it. but until then, it is my dirty little secret. weird. freaked myself out.