can it be?

sheesh.

im just letting it go tonight.

it's happening again

it used to be that when i was little, i couldn't sleep the night before Christmas Eve. so, Christmas Eve eve :) i remember tossing and turning; having very strange, vivid dreams. i could not wait until our small and rather strange family traditions began on Christmas Eve.

it's 2011, im 29 years old, and it happened again tonight. only this time it's not anticipation that keeps me awake. instead, it's worry. and sadness. and racing thoughts.

im so ready for a new year to come.

im worried about which road my life will begin to go down.

im so ready for the holidays to pass.

it brings me sadness that my entire family will not be together.

im so ready for a good night's sleep.

these racing thoughts are turning into nightmares.

once again, it's me world

wow. again, it's been forever and a year since i blogged on here. so much as happened, and yet, so much has stayed the same. it's 2:45 my time and i just sort of 'hung up' with someone...i guess nowadays ending a texting conversation is a way of hanging up....? i feel bad for 'hanging up' with the person seeing as though im still up, but i had no intention to sit here and start typing this. i mean, it's late. im tired. im freezing in my house. and i have a million and one things to get done tomorrow because i was otherwise occupied all day...doing pretty much nothing...but having the best day all the same....doing nothing at all with someone... and still having a great day says a lot; multitudes really, of that one person. who is miles away.

i couldnt sleep. for multiple reasons.

the most obvious and boring: i had a coughing attack. fighting this stupid cold, and i had to get up and get a cough drop.

the subtle and more interesting: im about to go through some pretty serious life changes here in my life, and i am pretty sure its going to affect more than just me. and im not sure what to think. or do. or say. or feel....im all over the place.

my emotions are:

excited yet scared.

nervous yet anxious.

dreamy yet realistic.

calm yet crazy wild.

childish yet mature.

open yet shut off.

im becoming something(s) ive never been before:

im learning how to be vulnerable yet strong.

im growing older with age but im feeling younger with life.

im becoming very lost and yet more perceptive than ever.

im losing my mind, but gaining so much knowledge.

im forgetting who i thought i was and being introduced to who ive always wanted to be.

im learning to see the world through two sets of eyes, but only one heart.

at least one thing has not changed. i'm still very much in love with the oxymorons of my life.

good night moon.

back again

I really need to start writing more and more. 

Song #1

I’m done. 

I gotta be. 

It was fun

Though

For the short time it lasted

You aren’t lying, 

but you’re sure not telling me the truth. 

You left out some details

It’s my time

raisin my white sail 

even though i don’t want to

I do not need to be sitting here 

wine glass in my hand

wondering if and when you’ll call

I’m better than that 

You tell me all I want to hear

and it’s so sweet

i think you mean it

but you need to get 

your own shit together first

Figure out what you want

i cant promise I’ll still be here

I do not need to be sitting here 

wine glass in my hand

wondering if and when you’ll call

I’m better than that

I’ve been here and done this

many times before

unfortunately for you 

i have learned from guys like you

Trying my hardest 

not to care

spare

me the time 

spare me my tears

Figure it out

see if i’m here when youre done

I do not need to be sitting here 

wine glass in my hand

wondering if and when you’ll call

I’m better than that

you wont call

and i know

i’m better than this

...............But my wine is good

White wine from a box

worth it

worth drinking it 

if it’s to get over you....

again, its been a while

and i just finished a 6-pack. 

i sense myself getting back into the old habit of drinking away, or into, my problems and depressions. 

its summer. 

im here in michigan. 

i feel alone. 

although i have people in my life. 

i think. 

sometimes i just get too caught up in the fact that everyone seems to have their own lives. 

already. 

families. 

kids. 

their own/other friends. 

me. not so much. 

im just a floater. 

and i really, usually, enjoy it. 

most of the time. 

except for nights like these. 

then i start to sulk and feel sorry for myself. 

like why i ever moved here. and why im still here. its because i always seem to tell myself that there is supposed to be something here for me. 

i just need to find it. 

and maybe its here already. or maybe its not. but how am i supposed to know? 

so i start to feel sorry for myself. 

i start to think about moving. and going somewhere else. but where? 

wont it just be the same if i go someplace else? wherever that may be...everyone will be established. everyone will have someone else in their lives. everyone will have their own life. 

it doesnt matter. 

i will never be happy it seems. i will never find what i am looking for. or at least it seems. sometimes i just wish that what i dream....actually dream...at night...when i wake up in cold or hot sweats...would come true. 

OXYMORON

1657, from Gk. oxymoron, noun use of neut. of oxymoros (adj.) "pointedly foolish," from oxys "sharp" + moros "stupid." Rhetorical figure by which contradictory terms are conjoined so as to give point to the statement or expression; the word itself is an illustration of the thing. Now often used loosely to mean "contradiction in terms."

"Fictional Memoir" 

my story

it's going well. but what can i say? it's only january 3rd and i am still on break from work. hopefully i will still manage to find the time to write once i start teaching again. at the same time, i hope my life takes me some places that will be really good for Steph's story. I want drama, but not all the time. I want "good" drama. But I am really good at embellishing and using my imagination, so if it doesn't happen, i can always write it into the story. 

i know i know...I'm using my real name for my story. I could not think of a better one to use. I thought of what i thought i look like? you know...like people sometimes say, "oh you look like a [insert random name here]..." and i thought i simply look like me; a Stephanie. I also thought of what the other options of my name could have been based off of what my parents told me, and Kimberly just does not suit me at all. Plus, according to my parents, my sister chose the name Stephanie. And it means "crown" and i like crowns. ha. lastly, i figured this new "story" of mine is just that: Mine. 

like i say on the blog: my story. her story. living through my words.

1/2 fiction

1/2 non fiction

factual fiction / fictional facts