Thursday, December 23, 2004


unless youve ever been in my shoes, you wont know what im talking about. leaving. being drunk alone, thinking. talking. writing. how sad. this is what comes to those of us who are stuck. stuck in this world of never ending life. never ending life. you missed a good time tonight. its my last night here.

and who did i share it with? my students. and you know what? it was two of them that failed my class and came. i dont regret teaching. i loved it. just because of those two kids. those students. those people. those young men. those guys. thanks guys!

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

last night here

last night here. last night at purdue. thought this time would never come. but the reality of it all has suddenly overcome my mind.

it began as i had dinner tonight with my very first friend who i ever met here at purdue. kris. kris barr. from plano texas. we went out to eat tonight at la scala. we talked. remembered times from freshman and sophomore year at purdue.

and then we left.

hes moving to LA.

and i will be in michigan.

there was nothing ever between kris and i. but the fact that he and i are both leaving the place where we met was so sad. i will miss him so much. more than anything, i will miss our times together. i will miss our memories.

and its all ending. now. i see how quickly it is all coming to an end. i know other, better, bigger things lie ahead of me. i know michigan will do me good. i know who i will be living by. i know who is here and who is there for me. that is reassuring, but not completely.

will i forget purdue? will i forget AGD? will i forget the bars? will i forget the football games and breakfast club and the philanthropies and the Tower Acres bus i took to class every day? will i forget my amazing teachers who taught me so much and my friends and the strangers who i know, but dont really know? will i forget my ways around the streets and campus, will i forget the names of the bar tenders i have become "close" to each weekend as they just wave me into stacks? will i forget my sad times and my happy times and my "ME" times and my other times where i didnt know what i was doing? will i ever forget this summer when i was in depression and id go sit by the fountains at school late at night when no one else was around and campus was dead? will i forget?

i hope not.

im ok with this all. i am. its time to move on. im how old now?! sometimes i forget. once you hit 21, it seems like that is all that matters and any other age makes no difference. at least i have finally found happiness. well id say i have found about 85% happiness. im still searching for the other 15%....i know where it is too....i just cant get there.

its here. the time has come. im leaving. its like high school all over again, except this time im crying tears of sadness, not happiness. im sad to leave this place unlike i was my high school. im sad to move on, grow up, be an "adult." unlike i was at the time i graduated highschool. the best part about it all is that im already done. ive already graduated.

this whole semester i didnt walk on campus, i didnt take the bus, i didnt talk to my teachers, i didnt go into the Union or the Panhel office, i didnt drive around campus, i didnt go to the fraternities, i didnt go work out at the co-rec. i didnt do any of it. but im still sad that im leaving.

this was my life. and i think it will always remain my life. i need to write a book.

ps.....i just wrote this all after having finished a bottle of wine--alone in my empty apartment. how sad, but in reality...i am celebrating...dont know quite what im celebrating...but maybe its something like growing up, leaving, moving, starting over, being real, living, being happy, being sad but being ok with it, im celebrating my achievements. i did good this semester. i did good these last 6 months....lets see where the next six months take me......

im gonna miss place.
im gonna miss you.
im gonna miss my life.
my life here.
i will not be blue.

yellow and sunshine
lies ahead
growing up
moving on
nothing but the best
lies ahead

"lies" ahead?
am i fooling myself?

like the greeting cards say
and like i told my best friend in high school....

memories, laughter, tears.
sisters, strangers, friends.
crying, smiling, movie nights.
nights out. wild times. times i dont remember.
the times i will never forget.

and now here i am like a hermit sitting in my room drinking my bottle of cheap pink wine sobbing over the past 4.5 years and the life i am leaving behind and being scared and petrified of the life that lies ahead of me....

Sunday, December 19, 2004

what the hell?!

i thought about this long and hard before i did it....i said to myself...should i show the link to my students and put it on my screen name that i gave them all?

and you know what i thought? what the hell?!?!

im done. im done here. and im done with this place.

and i am an "english teacher."

so why not? you know what i think? i WANT my kids to see this. i want them to see. i want them to WRITE. do a BLOG. be a BLOGGER. its fun. its literature. its writing. and thats all i ever wanted. all i wanted my kids to do was write. but no...i get thrown a curriculum that no one wants to learn about...or teach for that fact... but im told to do it and i have to basically. NOT FUN!!!!

i wanted them to write.

writing, i know has helped me figure out who i am. i KNOW my students home, during school...whenever. write it out on here. make a blog. MAKE A BLOG! i was in high school once, remember...i know i was depressed one minute and happy the next. i KNOW how they all feel. i wish there was a class on something like "dealing with life" in high school. id be able to teach that class hands down--be a perfect teacher [if there such thing] relate to the students, help them through it all......

so thats why i did this. to show them. if i can do it, so they can they. let them read about me. let them see who i am. let them know. i dont care. i have a lot of growing up to do and i know this. its fine. let them see. they all do too....they wont admit it, but we all know its true.

if just one of my students would write and show the rest of whoever what they possess, then i would be so happy. thats all i want. let them see this. let them know. im fine with it all. just as long as one of them does something about it. maybe, i hope, they will see this and maybe they will just try a blog.

i always hated the idea of sharing what i felt and thought with others [especially on the wierd. i still hate the fact that i became a part of this. thanks amy j...hahaha. it scares me that anyone can read this....], but there is some strange relief, some strange high of knowing that others will read this. and its a simple, yet complicated type of motivation to share write show tell paste it. everytime im about to paste something i get scared for a split someone i know is going to judge me if they see what i wrote or what i thought....

and then i realize that i want to be a writer and thats what being a writer is. sometimes you may offend someone. sometimes you may say something you may have not said otherwise. sometimes you do stupid things and share them with the world. but thats what being a writer is.

so "in conclusion..." be a blogger. do it. share with us what you want to say. what is on your mind? its so refreshing. its so great. be a writer. even if its not for a grade, just do it. just BE it. if no one you even know will ever read it....someone will....and thats what makes all the difference.

"just do it" ~~nike....[how stupid. i cant believe i just said that....]

Saturday, December 18, 2004

first snow fall

i came here in the summer. i remember standing on my balcony sweating, smoking a cigarette. the heat was about 85* in july. the nights were warm, sometimes too hot, but usually perfect nights.

tonight i looked out and saw the first snow fall. i went out on the balcony. this time with no cigarette, but with a bottle of wine. i stood out there, roommates gone. the ones who once would share a cigarette with me--have packed up and left. im the last one to go. just like i always have been. last one to leave to go away to college, last one to leave college. but i am finally ready.

the snow is beautiful. the whiteness of it. the perfection of each flake--its a wonder to my mind and to my eyes. i just stood out there. examining the last 6 months. i have changed in so many ways. some for the better and some for the worst. back to the snow...i felt like i was in a movie. just standing there looking around wondering thinking believing, not believing, knowing, loving each second of it, hating my life, loving who i have become. i was in a movie, in my head. it was the perfect scene. the ending of a really sad movie, yet its not sad at the ending of it. its when the watchers are left not knowing a thing, and they can interpret it however they want to.

sometimes i wish i could be a snowflake. travel down very very slowly until you land on something and then look around at ease and at peace and then melt away. sometimes i think my life is a snowflake. sometimes i guess i could be considered a snowflake. i guess my life could be just like the life of a snowflake.

the wine tasted much better when i was standing out on the balcony. i was in a t-shirt and sandals, like it was summer all over again. i sometimes wish it was still summer, but then i realize how i was in a serious state of depression and never want to go back to that time--ever.

my, how time has passed, and things have changed. this summer up until now has been the biggest growth spurt for me in my entire life. now that i look back at it, after these last few months of being here, i can honestly say i know who i am.

am i happy with that person? no. of course not. i can never be pleased. but thats exactly who i am and i have finally realized that.

i love the snow. i love summer nights yes of course. i love the snow though also. which is better...well im not one to judge. guess its the mood at the time.

im sad for some reason. dont know why though. am i sad to leave? yes and no. more no than yes. all i needed was one more semester and i was right. im ready to move on. so why am i sad? cant tell you. maybe its the changing of the seasons? maybe its the changing of myself? maybe its the changing of playing in the rain to playing in the snow? cant tell you why im sad. i dont know.

im gonna go. gonna go back out on my balcony in my t-shirt and sandals. gonna bring my bottle of wine out there with me. gonna go buy a pack of smokes just to have one more, one last time. its like the beginning and end at the same time. its like it ended as soon as it began. its my life.

i love the snow. the whiteness and purity of frozen water is magnificent. but only the first snowfall of course. after that the snow gets dirty and melts and turns into slush and is ugly. i only want my life to be like ONE snowflake, and like the FIRST snowfall. nothing more, nothing less.

happy first snow fall! enjoy it! pretend its summer in the winter! but make it better the second time around!


time in my life: i always thought that when i graduated from purdue my life was going to end. then i graduated. and i was so scared. i stayed at school for one more semester. felt like i was everything before i graduated. and then nothing afterwards. how sad. i worked. had a real job. became an adult. all the while, thinking it was over it--college---but really seeing that it wasnt at all. they say high school is the best time in your life...well its obvious those people didnt go to college. i say that now because i had a student who wrote something about high school being the best time in her life, when she learns and finds out who she is really is...well i can only pray that she go to college and really see the truth. she knows that im talking about her and she will know what i mean after she goes to college. im sad tonight. i cant figure out why. is it because im finally leaving? is it because that for once i thought highly of myself and though i was becoming somewhat decent at something--teaching? who knows? i feel as though i have a small bond with my students and really relate to them. if they only knew. its so funny to think that they think highly of me, or that im better, or that i am some sort of "higher up." im not at all. lets be honest. i love those kids like they are the ones i supervised at the pool. [where i worked for a few summers]. i love them. in the way that 1. i look out for them like they are my little brother or sister. 2. i want the best for them. 3. i want them to all succeed. 4. they are so awesome. i have the best time with them. they dont realize that its my job to teach them. they dont see that all i ever wanted was for them to pass the class. they dont see that i really dont care about their grades, its the school that does. they dont see that i was in their shoes only 5 years ago. they dont see. its so funny to me. i dont care. i know what high school was like. i hated high school. HATED it. remember i never was asked to a dance?! i hated school. these kids think that i know nothing. do i like usher? they ask me. how funny. do i look that old?!?! anyways...they dont get it. im not out to fail them. i love them as my students. they are so fun. they are soooooooooo funny to me.....owell. things they say, times when they fart in class, times when they fall out of their chairs. all i want to do is laugh, but no...i have to be this "Teacher" this role model type. this...someone who is not me. they can be so cool they have no idea. they all have no idea what lies ahead of clue. wait til they all go to college...they will see. and they will have no clue about me or even remember me...but i will remember them. each and everyone of them....they were my first fun. they wont know me, but i will know them. im so sad about tonight. leaving all and everything behind me. all but my future---grad school, which ive wanted for so long now.....and now it seems so sudden. so not there, so not true. so fake. it is fake. but im going to michigan. going there for some reason that i always told myself i would never do...for a guy. but im happy now about it. and thats all that matters. but im leaving my life. MY LIFE. this has been life for 4.5 years now. longer if you count my sister being here. 4.5 years. purdue PURDUE. wouldnt change it for the world. would not change it for the world.

ive cried my tears. ive laughed my funny times. ive drank ALL the beer. ive seen the fights, the shows, the acts. ive played the games. ive done [and passed] the classes. ive met the strangers. ive seen the bars packed and emptied. ive walked campus late at night when no one else is around. ive done it all.

and im done. ive graduated. why am i so sad about it all? its because im afraid. im afraid of change. im afraid of leaving. for once in my life i know what is real. i know what and who i am. and for once in my life i dont know what comes next. what does come next? im scared. who do i meet now? havent i met all the friends i need to know? where do i go now? home? where is that nowadays? who do i become when i am no longer here? no longer "purdue?" what then? what next? who next?

purdue. who would have thought? who would have thought me...graduating with honors---doing it all--would be so sad? i am a teacher?!?! WHAT? if those kids only knew me...haha, they would be BLOWN away!!!! haha, just ask the one who saw me on Homecoming night by the bars after i had "been out" for 17 hours...he knows. haha! if those kids only makes me think about my teachers in high! who would have thought....being a TEACHER...would make me so sad? those of you who know me, know that i complained each and everyday about it. but really, deep down inside i loved it. it was a good time. a lot of stress, but i loved it. i tried my best to have those kids pass. i did all that i could--i feel at least. maybe i could have done more? who knows? at least i know that i tried and i can learn from my mistakes and move on to being a better teacher. those kids dont have any clue how hard i tried. i hated teaching and i loved teaching because of them. i hated to love it and i loved to hate it--teaching. tried my hardest. and im so sad to leave them. i really am. had a lot of good ones, and a lot of shitty ones.

i guess i feel like ive done all i could at this place. its time to pack up and go. and im ok with that. i am ok. remember...."by tuesday i will be fine."