tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82572352024-03-07T16:09:20.207-05:00umm...its just mestephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.comBlogger74125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-53597859685954110992012-01-19T20:35:00.001-05:002012-01-19T21:04:01.600-05:00can it be?sheesh. <div>im just letting it go tonight. </div>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-708675071734353972011-12-24T03:25:00.004-05:002011-12-24T03:34:28.830-05:00it's happening again<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#336666;">it used to be that when i was little, i couldn't sleep the night before Christmas Eve. so, Christmas Eve eve :) i remember tossing and turning; having very strange, vivid dreams. i could not wait until our small and rather strange family traditions began on Christmas Eve. </span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#336666;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#336666;">it's 2011, im 29 years old, and it happened again tonight. only this time it's not anticipation that keeps me awake. instead, it's worry. and sadness. and racing thoughts. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#336666;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#336666;">im so ready for a new year to come. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#336666;">im worried about which road my life will begin to go down. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#336666;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#336666;">im so ready for the holidays to pass. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#336666;">it brings me sadness that my entire family will not be together. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#336666;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#336666;">im so ready for a good night's sleep. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#336666;">these racing thoughts are turning into nightmares. </span></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-91279452278626339222011-12-18T02:46:00.002-05:002011-12-18T03:13:10.769-05:00once again, it's me world<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">wow. again, it's been forever and a year since i blogged on here. so much as happened, and yet, so much has stayed the same. it's 2:45 my time and i just sort of 'hung up' with someone...i guess nowadays ending a texting conversation is a way of hanging up....? i feel bad for 'hanging up' with the person seeing as though im still up, but i had no intention to sit here and start typing this. i mean, it's late. im tired. im freezing in my house. and i have a million and one things to get done tomorrow because i was otherwise occupied all day...doing pretty much nothing...but having the best day all the same....doing nothing at all with someone... and </span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">still</span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;"> having a great day says a lot; multitudes really, of that one person. who is miles away. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">i couldnt sleep. for multiple reasons. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">the most obvious and boring: i had a coughing attack. fighting this stupid cold, and i had to get up and get a cough drop. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">the subtle and more interesting: im about to go through some pretty serious life changes here in my life, and i am pretty sure its going to affect more than just me. and im not sure what to think. or do. or say. or feel....im all over the place. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">my emotions are: </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">excited yet scared. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">nervous yet anxious.</span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">dreamy yet realistic. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">calm yet crazy wild. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">childish yet mature.</span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">open yet shut off. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">im becoming something(s) ive never been before: </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;"> </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">im learning how to be vulnerable yet strong. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">im growing older with age but im feeling younger with life. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">im becoming very lost and yet more perceptive than ever. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">im losing my mind, but gaining so much knowledge. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">im forgetting who i thought i was and being introduced to who ive always wanted to be. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">im learning to see the world through two sets of eyes, but only one heart. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">at least one thing has not changed. i'm still very much in love with the oxymorons of my life. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFCC66;">good night moon. </span></span></span></div>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-79322481208338934382009-08-05T10:31:00.001-04:002009-08-05T10:31:34.387-04:00back againI really need to start writing more and more. stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-14071581458143685112009-07-13T01:16:00.000-04:002009-07-13T01:17:57.557-04:00Song #1<p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica">I’m done. <br /></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">I gotta be. </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">It was fun</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">Though</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">For the short time it lasted</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">You aren’t lying, </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">but you’re sure not telling me the truth. </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">You left out some details</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">It’s my time</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">raisin my white sail </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">even though i don’t want to</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><i>I do not need to be sitting here </i></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><i>wine glass in my hand</i></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><i>wondering if and when you’ll call</i></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><i>I’m better than that </i></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">You tell me all I want to hear</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">and it’s so sweet</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">i think you mean it</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">but you need to get </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">your own shit together first</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">Figure out what you want</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">i cant promise I’ll still be here</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><i>I do not need to be sitting here </i></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><i>wine glass in my hand</i></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><i>wondering if and when you’ll call</i></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><i>I’m better than that</i></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">I’ve been here and done this</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">many times before</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">unfortunately for you </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">i have learned from guys like you</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">Trying my hardest </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">not to care</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">spare</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">me the time </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">spare me my tears</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">Figure it out</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">see if i’m here when youre done</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><i>I do not need to be sitting here </i></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><i>wine glass in my hand</i></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><i>wondering if and when you’ll call</i></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"><i>I’m better than that</i></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">you wont call</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">and i know</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">i’m better than this</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">...............But my wine is good</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">White wine from a box</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">worth it</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">worth drinking it </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">if it’s to get over you....</span></p><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;"><br /></span></div>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-87994296047551762002009-05-21T22:15:00.002-04:002009-05-21T22:22:49.602-04:00again, its been a whileand i just finished a 6-pack. <div><br /></div><div>i sense myself getting back into the old habit of drinking away, or into, my problems and depressions. </div><div><br /></div><div>its summer. </div><div><br /></div><div>im here in michigan. </div><div><br /></div><div>i feel alone. </div><div><br /></div><div>although i have people in my life. </div><div><br /></div><div>i think. </div><div><br /></div><div>sometimes i just get too caught up in the fact that everyone seems to have their own lives. </div><div><br /></div><div>already. </div><div><br /></div><div>families. </div><div><br /></div><div>kids. </div><div><br /></div><div>their own/other friends. </div><div><br /></div><div>me. not so much. </div><div><br /></div><div>im just a floater. </div><div><br /></div><div>and i really, usually, enjoy it. </div><div><br /></div><div>most of the time. </div><div><br /></div><div>except for nights like these. </div><div><br /></div><div>then i start to sulk and feel sorry for myself. </div><div><br /></div><div>like why i ever moved here. and why im still here. its because i always seem to tell myself that there is supposed to be something here for me. </div><div><br /></div><div>i just need to find it. </div><div><br /></div><div>and maybe its here already. or maybe its not. but how am i supposed to know? </div><div><br /></div><div>so i start to feel sorry for myself. </div><div><br /></div><div>i start to think about moving. and going somewhere else. but where? </div><div><br /></div><div>wont it just be the same if i go someplace else? wherever that may be...everyone will be established. everyone will have someone else in their lives. everyone will have their own life. </div><div><br /></div><div>it doesnt matter. </div><div><br /></div><div>i will never be happy it seems. i will never find what i am looking for. or at least it seems. sometimes i just wish that what i dream....actually dream...at night...when i wake up in cold or hot sweats...would come true. </div>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-42222067564574362542009-01-03T23:04:00.001-05:002009-01-03T23:05:09.533-05:00OXYMORON<p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; line-height: 16.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #4d4e51"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">1657, from Gk. oxymoron, noun use of neut. of oxymoros (adj.) "pointedly foolish," from oxys "sharp" + moros "stupid." Rhetorical figure by which contradictory terms are conjoined so as to give point to the statement or expression; the word itself is an illustration of the thing. Now often used loosely to mean "contradiction in terms."</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; line-height: 16.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #4d4e51"><br /></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; line-height: 16.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #4d4e51"><br /></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; line-height: 16.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #4d4e51"><br /></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; line-height: 16.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #4d4e51">"Fictional Memoir" </p>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-62347285254082376412009-01-03T22:51:00.002-05:002009-01-03T22:58:46.604-05:00my storyit's going well. but what can i say? it's only january 3rd and i am still on break from work. hopefully i will still manage to find the time to write once i start teaching again. at the same time, i hope my life takes me some places that will be really good for Steph's story. I want drama, but not all the time. I want "good" drama. But I am really good at embellishing and using my imagination, so if it doesn't happen, i can always write it into the story. <div><br /></div><div>i know i know...I'm using my real name for my story. I could not think of a better one to use. I thought of what i thought i look like? you know...like people sometimes say, "oh you look like a [insert random name here]..." and i thought i simply look like me; a Stephanie. I also thought of what the other options of my name could have been based off of what my parents told me, and Kimberly just does not suit me at all. Plus, according to my parents, my sister chose the name Stephanie. And it means "crown" and i like crowns. ha. lastly, i figured this new "story" of mine is just that: Mine. </div><div><br /></div><div>like i say on the blog: my story. her story. living through my words.</div><div><br /></div><div>1/2 fiction</div><div>1/2 non fiction</div><div><br /></div><div>factual fiction / fictional facts</div>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-3741624063873687992009-01-02T19:56:00.001-05:002009-01-02T19:56:53.731-05:00Writers"Writers crave Experience."stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-92039069838809668962008-12-30T22:32:00.002-05:002008-12-30T22:49:47.046-05:002 more days<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">when i was a young girl i remember reading this book. i have no idea what the title was called. i didnt actually read it; my mom or dad read it to me each night. i remember my dad reading it to me more than my mom actually. it was a story that went on for 365 days. each night/day you would read a page of the story and it told the lives/story of a little group of animal friends and their families. </span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">i looked it up and searched and searched. my parents have no idea what it is that i am talking about. i know this is actually one thing that i am NOT making up from my childhood...sometimes i feel as though i think things that never really happened. i know this to be true. the only thing i could find is this: </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'times new roman';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">http://www.logan.com/loganberry/most-gilbert.html</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'times new roman';">AND</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 13px; ">http://www.alibris.com/search/books/qwork/8391887/used/A%20Story-A-Day:%20365%20Stories%20&%20Rhymes</span><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 13px;">But it's not it! the book i was talking about was a continuous story....about a group of animals that lived on a street and were all friends and their story continued each day. it was great. i am so sad that i cannot find it. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">But that is not what i am talking about. i am so sad that i cannot find it online. anyways, the point of this post is this:</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'times new roman';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'times new roman';">i plan on doing the same exact thing. starting on january 1st. i plan to document my 2009 year. however, since i have always wanted to be a writer, i plan to make it [as jimmy buffett would say]: "FICTIONAL FACTS, AND FACTUAL FICTION" </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'times new roman';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'times new roman';">in other words, what is typed might not all be true, while some of it may be. i am excited about this, as i can finally do something that i have wanted to do with my life. [hopefully] each night, or morning, i will update the story of me, or shall i say, my character. it will be so much fun. i cannot wait. i will post the new blog site for my story. please help me along with this, as i think many of us will be able to relate to this young woman's story. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'times new roman';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'times new roman';">happy new year. i am hoping this is the year of Stephanie. i think it's about my time! =) </span></div>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-6013750647184889232008-12-17T22:37:00.002-05:002008-12-17T22:38:46.361-05:00my speechwritten over a bottle of white wine. "there was not a dry eye in the room." it went something like this. i did improv a bit once i was up there. <div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 13px; "><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; ">You know the second you asked me to be your maid of honor, i sat down and wrote my speech. i’m sure you are not all that surprised. So, here it all goes:</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; "></span><br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; ">“Treat your love like a firefly. like it only gets to shine for a little while. catch it in a Mason jar with holes on the top. and then run like hell to show it off.” </span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; "></span><br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; ">i know you both are not big country fans, but its one of my favorite lyrics. and when i sat down to write this, its the first thing that came to my mind. </span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; "></span><br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; ">you guys have a love like a firefly’s light--you need to run with it and show it off. you need to show others that true love does exist. run with it. show it off. let everyone know. </span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; "></span><br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; ">now, for each of you....</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; "></span><br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; ">kyle, i will start with you, because you are the easy one. you are amazing. i am so happy my sister found you. you are her disco ball to her dance floor; and she is your italian dressing to your cheese cubes. (i will never understand your weird food cravings between that and vanilla frosting right out of the jar.) anyways, you are my sister’s balance. you make her not only a better person, you make her the woman i know she always longed to be. when she is stressed, you calm her down. you see the best in her and it shows. she is happy. not just content. she is perfect with you. you together are harmony. i really believe she found herself through you. you are the man she always longed to find. and i cannot be happier that she found you. kyle, i am so happy and proud to call you my brother. </span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; "></span><br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; ">Kristina - i dont even know where to start. im sure by this time as i read this i will be crying, as i am crying while i write it. we have had a long, dramatic, life together. you know this, i know this. mom and dad REALLY know this. kyle knows this. its no secret. but i want you to know how much i love you. as a sister and a friend. it’s a shame i had to wait until your wedding to tell you this. so it’s now or never. you are amazing. you are so strong---just like mom. i look up to you both like you can never imagine. i think throughout our lives together i have envied that about you. [perfect example, i am probably crying now, and you are sitting there straight faced and serious. i am weak, you are strong.] you are everything i am not. and it’s that about you which i absolutely love. i am so happy that you found your true love, kyle. you have no idea how happy i am for you both. i am truly honored that you gave in and asked me to be your maid of honor. i know it sounds cheesy, but this has been one of my childhood dreams - to be my older sister’s maid of honor. to help you with your dress, to be up here tonight. to be your right-hand-man, or woman--on this most special day in your life, i could not ask for anything more. I am so proud of you--for everything you have accomplished in your life. for doing things on your own, for taking risks, for believing in me and always being honest--even when the truth hurts. i can always count on you. for 26 years of my life you have been there for me. whether its pushing me off my bike, fighting over something stupid, whatever. you are and always will be-- my sister, and my friend. </span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; "></span><br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; "></span><br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; ">let us raise our glasses - - -</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; "></span><br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; ">To you both, continue to bring out the best in each other. continue to be yourselves. continue to love. just continue. forever. </span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; "></span><br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; ">May your light shine longer than any firefly. may that same light shine forever between the two of you. and may others look to your light, your love, as the perfect example. </span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; "></span><br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; ">I love you both. Congratulations.</span></p></span></div>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-28790641107687964282008-12-17T22:34:00.001-05:002008-12-17T22:37:02.606-05:00something else i wrote a few weeks ago<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 13px; "><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; ">i cannot sleep. its late for me--almost ten on a week night. yet, my brain is being over taken by these thoughts. thoughts of the past. its been a week now since i talked to you. before that it had been about 2 years. your voice was the same. your stubborn attitude. your monotone, laid-back, relaxed responses. still kills me. for years now it’s always been you. you are all i think about. and i know i am the last girl, the last person, the last one you think about. i feel this...thing...this feeling...this spark that is still there. and i know, deep down inside that you still do think about me...even if it is just now and then. once a year. when you hear my favorite cheese. i know. and i tell myself i cannot wait forever. but i think i will. until someone else walks into my life that i dont actually compare to you. </span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; "></span><br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; ">there is someone who loves me more than his own life. someone who would and who does absolutely anything and everything for me. yet i just cannot get myself to feel the same way about him. its sad really. in all honesty. that there is a person out there who feels that much love towards someone. towards me. and that i can not give it back to him. its depressing. its a tragedy really. a true and complete tragedy. </span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; "></span><br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; ">one of the last things you told me was to let go of my emotional ties and that its time to move on. thanks ass hole as if i dont know that already. and by the way, im working on it. i am practicing each night before i go to bed. asking the Lord to give me strength to move on. so far He has not shown me the light completely, but i know He will. I am beginning to truly leave my hope and faith in Him. something you would never approve of, im sure. something you would never believe in. something i would never have gotten to know if i was still with you. but something that is now within me. and something that no one can take away from me. </span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; "></span><br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); "><span style="letter-spacing: 0px; ">monday night 9:50 - 10:27 dec 1 2008</span></p></span>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-62585862297752334872008-12-17T22:29:00.002-05:002008-12-17T22:34:53.439-05:00scary<p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica">sometimes i write on my computer and then save it just because i am not connected to the internet to post right away. i was just looking through my files, and found an entry titled "scary one." i almost posted it, but then i read it. i am messed up. that is all i have to say. i could not believe that i wrote what i wrote. maybe one day if i get the nerve i will post it. but until then, it is my dirty little secret. weird. freaked myself out. </p>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-50941635485655250452008-12-01T21:45:00.002-05:002008-12-17T22:11:58.549-05:00it's been a while since i wrote on this. a lot has happened. my past is catching up with me. stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-61724291222842100772008-08-26T00:50:00.001-04:002008-08-26T00:51:48.393-04:00haha, im so annoyed at myselfmy blog is so boring. all i ever do is quote song lyrics. i need to stop. <div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>sometimes, the songs just make so much sense. they say exactly what i want to say. but just cant. </div>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-40678800958270970732008-08-26T00:36:00.002-04:002008-08-26T00:48:40.317-04:00scaredi found this while i was at home. and i thought it was worthy. i have been meaning to type it up on here. i have no idea when i wrote this, nor for that matter who it was about. but i read this, closed my eyes, and realized that most of can relate to this situation at one time or another in our lives. <div><br /></div><div>that one time when you are awake. and the person next to you was asleep. you just want to reach out and touch them. but you are afraid. you dont want to wake that person. and if they do wake up, what will they think.....can anyone else relate?<div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><div>lying next to you</div><div>i want to reach out</div><div>touch you</div><div>im scared</div><div><br /></div><div>im wide awake</div><div>you </div><div>asleep </div><div>by my side</div><div>next to me</div><div>in my territory</div><div><br /></div><div>my hands</div><div>on your chest</div><div>my arm </div><div>on top of yours</div><div>i cannot do it</div><div><br /></div><div>my hand </div><div>wrapped up </div><div>in your fingers</div><div>a simple squeeze</div><div>i hope you can </div><div>feel it</div><div><br /></div><div>i wish </div><div>i could</div><div>do it</div><div>easily</div><div><br /></div><div>without thinking</div><div><br /></div><div>i reach out</div><div>pull back</div><div>once more</div><div>still cannot do it</div><div><br /></div><div>go to sleep </div><div>angry</div><div>with myself</div><div>still scared</div><div><br /></div><div>will you ever know</div><div><br /></div></div></div>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-10680490464151678882008-08-26T00:30:00.001-04:002008-08-26T00:30:50.223-04:00cried againhttp://staroftheseabreezes.blogspot.com/stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-12599347153169161842008-08-26T00:25:00.001-04:002008-08-26T00:25:59.740-04:00My New Love<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Verdana; font-size: 10px; "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz</span></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">You’ve got the best of both worlds<br />You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man then lift him back up again<br />You are strong but you’re needed, humble but you’re greeted<br />And based on your body language and shotty cursive I’ve been reading<br />You’re style is quite selective though your mind is rather reckless<br />Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is<br /><br />And what a beautiful mess this is<br />It’s like picking up trash in dresses<br /><br />Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write<br />Kind of turn themselves into knives<br />And don’t mind my nerve you can call it fiction<br />But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear<br />Cause here we are, here we are<br /><br />Although you were biased I love your advice<br />Your comebacks they’re quick and probably have to do with your insecurities<br />There’s no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these words<br />I’m paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging<br /><br />But it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is<br />It’s like picking up trash in dresses<br /><br />Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say<br />Kind of turn themselves into blames<br />And the kind and courteous is a life I’ve heard<br />But it’s nice to say that we played in the dirt<br />Cause here, here we are<br />Here we are<br /><br />We're still here<br /><br />And it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is<br />It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is yes<br /><br />And through timeless words and priceless pictures<br />We’ll fly like birds not of this earth<br />And tides they turn and hearts disfigure<br />But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together<br />And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts<br />But its nice today, oh the wait was so worth it<br /><br />Here we are</span></span>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-67803880989797306482008-08-21T23:50:00.001-04:002008-08-21T23:50:35.422-04:00Aug 18 entry<p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">Movies with Mom</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">Midnight - Aug 18</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">I went with my mom tonight to see the movie “Mama Mia.” She cried when Donna is helping Sophie get ready for her wedding, and she sings “Slipping Through My Fingers.” I could not help but think that mom had her and my older sister in mind while watching that scene. </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">I expect she did, especially if I was thinking the same thing. </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">My sister’s wedding is coming up in December and I know my mom does not sleep at night thinking about it. She has told me. Multiple times. </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">It’s totally understandable that she begins to get sad when imagining her oldest daughter moving on and getting married. I am sure there is some envy towards the young love, the whole “life ahead of them” feeling. Especially since my parents have nothing close to the idea marriage. They are not divorced, but sometimes we all agree that they should be. It’s sad really. It’s really, really sad in all actuality. I hate just thinking about it. How sad they must be.</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">Part of me, and it’s the selfish part of me, wonders if she will cry when my time comes. When I get married and move on to the young, endless, happy love. I’m sure she will. But it’s going to be the second-time-around-feeling. Won’t it?</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">My mom and I have a different relationship than hers with my sister. They are both a lot alike, and well, she was her first child. My mom has known her the longest, etc. I’m not jealous of it, I guess maybe I am a little. We just are not like they are. It’s just different. </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">On a different note, this one particular sentence really makes me stop and think about a conversation I just had the other night: <i>But it’s going to be the second-time-around-feeling. Won’t it? </i>I was asked if when/if I ever get proposed to again, will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? [My question to myself is, was I happy the first time? And clearly my answer is no.]</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">At first I was kind of taken aback by the person who asked me this. We barely know each other, and I was shocked [yet a bit impressed] that he had the guts to just come right out and ask me such a personal question. I can completely see where he was coming from, and why he was curious. Ironically, my ex fiance had already been married before me [sensing a bad pattern in his life yet?] and I asked him if proposing and getting married again would be as special and meaningful as the first time. Or, would it just be a “going with the flow,” “doing this once again” feeling? So, I understand where his question came from.</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">My answer: First of all, the strong curiosity of knowing the answer to this question might stem from something people cannot imagine unless they have experienced it. Hence, myself wondering the same thing from my ex fiance before we were even engaged. I believe it is a justified, normal question to ask. Not because I had the same question in my head, but because an engagement and marriage should only happen once. In the normal person’s mind you don’t grow up <i>thinking</i> or <i>imagining </i>a broken engagement or ending a marriage. So, when you hear that it didn’t work out once, and that it could happen again for a second time, wouldn’t you want to know if the same feelings are there, are they stronger, or are they weaker? The first time should be all that happens, and therefore all that should matter. However, in reality, the fairy tale endings do not always come true. Unless you have experienced the joy in an engagement and then the hurt in ending one, you cannot probably imagine having it happen all over again.</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">But I do. I can imagine it. And I pray that my time will come, and it <i>will</i> happen all over again for me. But better! </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">And this was somewhat my answer to this guy’s original question, <b><i>will I ever be as happy as I was the first time?</i></b> Yes and no. Let me explain. </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">I was happy the first time. But it was not <i>right.</i> The engagement was [what I believe] to be all a show and an act for my ex fiance. I am also to blame that I answered his proposal with a “yes” when I clearly was not ready. In some defense I always share with people with this story: When you are a little girl, and you imagine someone down on their knee with a ring, and he asks you to marry him, what is the response? It clearly is never “NO.” I was happy in the engagement. For about 3 months. I pray to God when/if my time comes again and someone asks me for their hand in marriage, I will be happy <i>forever</i>. NOT three months. So in that sense, NO I will not be as happy as I was the first time, I will be HAPPIER than the first time. </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">What is so good about this experience is that I know now, going into any relationship, that it <i>must</i> be <i>right</i> to begin with. That way, when he is down on his knee, this time I won’t have to think about the answer, I will just know. </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">It is such a sad thing. Such a sad experience that I went through, and I hate that someone would ever have to ask me that question: will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? God, I hope I am happier. I <i>know</i> I will be happier. It will be better than the first time because this second time, it will be <i>right.</i> </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">There will be no third times, no fourth times. I made a mistake, and it sucked. A lot. But I truly came out of it such a better person. One that knows what true love is <i>NOT</i> and what true love <i>should be</i>. </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px"></span><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px">My true love. </span></p>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-18904295872862605692008-08-16T17:34:00.003-04:002008-08-16T17:37:38.237-04:00My new favshttp://www.myspace.com/kateisenbergmusic<div><br /></div><div>http://www.myspace.com/treva<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Treva's song "Home" says exactly how I feel about going home. Probably driving home tonight. </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(92, 103, 123); font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; line-height: 14px; ">It's getting late on the interstate and I'm racing the setting sun<br />Another long day and I can hardly wait for the race to finally be done<br />The road is long that I travel on<br /><br />Home feels so far away - I'd go but I know I can't stay<br />It's too far to drive tonight, too late to fly, so I pray<br />I pray for a strong steady hand and a soft place to land<br /><br />A purple sky tries to lullaby eyes so tired, so heavy, so worn<br />On the right side a steady white line on a road so dark and cold<br />I'm holding on for the morning dawn<br /><br />Home feels so far away - I'd go but I know I can't stay<br />It's too far to drive tonight, too late to fly, so I pray<br />I pray for a strong steady hand - and a soft place to land</span><br /></div>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-655061112889961032008-08-16T17:28:00.000-04:002008-08-16T17:29:53.745-04:00You're Cheering Me Up and I'm Thanking You. Old Buffalo.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(85, 85, 85); font-family: Times; white-space: nowrap; ">So it goes<br />The ordinary people they do not know<br />Who we are<br />Or what we're doing here<br />I want you to pick up the phone<br />And hum the dial tone<br />You see we should start<br />From the top<br />And look at what we've got<br /><br />Wild flowers grow in the park<br />Summertime and it melts into dark<br />Dancing together at night until two<br />You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you<br /><br />So it goes<br />The ordinary people they do not know<br />Who we are<br />Or what we're doing here<br />I want you to pick up the phone<br />And hum the dial tone<br />You see we should start from the top<br />And look at what we've got<br /><br />Wild flowers grow in the park<br />Summertime and it melts into dark<br />Dancing together at night until two<br /><br />You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you<br />You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you<br />You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you<br />You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you<br />Guess what you are cheering me<br />up and I'm thanking you<br /><br />Wild flowers grow in the park<br />Summertime and it melts into dark<br />Dancing together at night until two<br />You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you<br /><br />Wild flowers grow in the park<br />Summertime and it melts into dark<br />Dancing together at night until two<br />You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you</span>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-88880704472120405292008-08-14T22:11:00.002-04:002008-08-14T22:18:16.673-04:00Wishing. Sugarland.I know I know...What's the point of posting entries that just list the lyrics of songs? Well, usually I do it because I am listening to that song at the time, and it really just touches home, hits me in the heart. Tonight, it happened to be Sugarland's latest album. Three songs really reminded me of a situation going on in my life as I write this, right NOW. Some of the lyrics relate to me, and how I feel at the moment. The others, I think shed light on the same situation from the other person's perspective. <div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(60, 119, 230); font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; ">Sometimes it's a pair of <br />Old faded denim, I know <br />Is gonna fit me like a friend <br />Or some radio song <br />You can't help but sing along <br />Wishing they'd spin it over and over again <br />Could the windows down on a Sunday drive <br />Smelling rain on a summer night <br />Anything that brings a little more comfort my way <br /><br />But sometimes <br />There's those times <br />Its gotta be you <br />I keep telling myself I'm moving on <br />But I'm stumbling <br />Believing my heart was strong enough <br />And now I'm wondering <br />But every step that I take that leads me away <br />Just circles back to your door <br />Wishing I didn't love you anymore <br /><br />I've tried turning to <br />The arms of someone new <br />But I can't seem to fool this fool <br />I've seen closing times <br />With every bottle dry <br />I've seen days alone in my own room <br />I'll ask God and magazines <br />Stacks of books and movie screens <br />Anything to bring a little more comfort my way <br /><br />But sometimes <br />There's those times <br />Its gotta be you <br />I keep telling myself I'm moving on <br />But I'm stumbling <br />Believing my heart was strong enough <br />And now I'm wondering <br />But every step that I take that leads me away <br />Just circles back to your door <br />Wishing I didn't love you anymore, of you <br />Give me More <br /><br />I've done everything that I came to forget <br />If there is a way I ain't found it yet <br /><br />I keep telling myself I'm moving on <br />Believing my heart was strong <br />But every step that I take that leads me away <br />Just circles back to your door <br />Wishing I didn't love you <br />What I'd give if I could touch you <br />Wishing I didn't love you anymore</span><br /></div>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-60676542496946450172008-08-14T22:05:00.002-04:002008-08-14T22:07:26.722-04:00Raindrops = LullabiesI wish it would rain. There is something about a soft rain on a cool night that puts me to sleep as if I were never going to wake up. Not death...just dream forever. I wish it would rain. The grass needs it as much as I do tonight.<div><br /></div><div><br /></div>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-17755819755363412772008-08-14T22:01:00.001-04:002008-08-14T22:01:50.582-04:00What I'd Give. Sugarland<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(60, 119, 230); font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; ">What I'd give to bring you flowers. <br />What I'd give to get you alone. <br />What I'd give to bring a smile across your face. <br />What I'd give to take you home. <br />What I'd give to make you coffee. <br />Find out how you like your eggs. <br />Wrapped around you in the mornin'. <br />A tangled lace of arms and legs. <br /><br />What I'd give to let you love me. <br />Find out everything that brings you joy. <br />Wake up to your face above me. <br />I'd be that girl and you could be that boy. <br />Find out why that feelin' is... <br />Oh, what I'd give. What I'd give. <br /><br />What I'd give to take you dancin'. <br />What I'd give to make you mine. <br />If you got questions, I got answers. <br />And my answer's "yes" to you every time. <br />What I'd give for just one minute. <br />What I'd give to count all the ways <br />If your heart was dark with nothing in it. <br />I'd give you mine and take your place. <br /><br />What I'd give to let you love me. <br />Find out everything that brings you joy. <br />Wake up to your face above me. <br />I'd be that girl and you could be that boy. <br />Find out why that feelin' is... <br />Oh, what I'd give. What I'd give. <img src="http://www.metrolyrics.com/images/l/1964136502.jpg" width="1" height="1" /></span>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8257235.post-80856624314138500382008-08-14T22:00:00.001-04:002008-08-14T22:00:23.378-04:00Keep You. Sugarland.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(60, 119, 230); font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; ">We said goodbye, tried her hand at magic<br />We couldn't make us disappear<br />Not a day goes by, I don't wish I had you<br />So run away, I'm glad you're still here<br /><br />It's a bitter sweet victory<br />Lovin' the ghost in front of me<br /><br />Now I can't laugh, can't cry<br />And I can't run, can't hide<br /><br />What do I gotta do?<br />What do I gotta do to keep you?<br />What do I gotta do to keep you<br />From doin' this to me?<br /><br />I wrote a couple of notes<br />One in love, one in anger<br />They're lyin' there<br />Dyin' in the dresser drawer<br /><br />Lived louder than my voice<br />Struggled through a stranger<br />He loved me<br />Till I loved you even more<br /><br />It's a bitter sweet victory<br />Lovin' someone else who wanted me<br /><br />Now I can't laugh, can't cry<br />And I can't run, can't hide<br />You get used to the pain and numb to the sting<br />Till you can't feel anything<br /><br />You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it<br />As if your words were my tears<br />Flowin' freely, warm and quiet<br />From the edges of my eyes and my ears<br />Then all that disappears<br /><br />Now I can't laugh, can't cry<br />And I can't run, can't hide<br />Now I can't laugh, can't cry<br />And I can't run, can't hide<br /><br />What do I gotta do?<br />What do I gotta do to keep you?<br />What do I gotta do to keep you<br />From doin' this to me?</span>stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03134042290983438452noreply@blogger.com1