Saturday, September 30, 2006

Songs to remind you

Jason Mraz: You And I Both

"Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now,
Oh love, no
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore, mmm...And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free
And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words."

Its ironic how some songs just bring you back. i have been meaning to write about this for a while now, and i am only now sitting down to do it. what gets me the most about this song is that the person it reminds me of, well he and i never even listened to it together...ever. but part of me knows that he at one time liked this song.

the person this song reminds me of, i have held hatred towards for awhile. he cheated on me and [what i considered] treated me like shit when we dated back in college. we have tried to be friends again on and off, and it never seemed to work. lately i think about him. not in a romantic relationship way, but just in general whenever i contemplate the hardships of relationships. i sometimes wonder where we went wrong. but then i know how it happened.

like always, i was not happy in that relationship and i cant even tell you why. looking back, i can truly see his heart and how much love he had for me. and that is why it is so strange to me that i can accept the fact that he cheated on me as much as he did. [he, and his future girlfriend had both come clean about him cheating on me, so i do know for sure that he did. gotta give them some credit for honesty.] i have finally and truly in my heart forgiven him for cheating on me and treating me the way he did. it was not that bad of a bad relationship after all.

sure, there were those few times when he got so drunk he scared me. but it was college. maybe i make up excuses just so i can see the good, or "better" in people. and if i do, then so be it. it works for me. but in all reality, i forgive this person. i was so tired of hating and being mad and looking for ways to get back at him.

he once sent this to me, and i still ponder what it could mean:

"if i told you how i'm feeling...and how my heart was always reeling....and maybe you could understand me a little better........if i was to write a letter. and maybe you would understand me a little better..."

"well i found myself face down in a ditch; with booze in hair and blood on my lips; and a picture of you holding a picture of me; in the pocket of my blue my jeans.....i still don't know what love means"-RL

part of me knows that he holds a place for me in his heart, as do i. we had a fun and wild relationship while it lasted. those were some of the best days of my life in college. and i owe a lot to him. i see myself with him, and i see myself growing as a person back then. and i have him to thank for that.

looking back i hated myself for loving him at the time we were together. and then i loved to hate him after we broke up. that makes it sound like i never did love him at all, but i did. at the time we were together i made myself unhappy with him for whatever reason. but then after we broke up, i put so much love into him still--just in the wrong ways. i loved to hate him.

that may not make much sense, but when you read once again out loud, it does. all in all, the point of this blog was just to come clean and admit we were both wrong for some of the things we did. he said a lot of mean things to me, but i probably egged him on and on.

sometimes i think where we would be today. but in my heart i am sure that we would not have lasted. nothing personal to him or myself, but i just didnt see my future with him in it. i think about where we could have gone in our relationship. i think we both know that had we toughed it out a bit more, we could have made a really strong couple built on a great relationship. i also think that at that time, though, we were young and foolish. we were neither sure of ourselves, nor each other, nor our lives at the time. we were just two stupid confused young adults thinking we knew it all about love and life. we were wrong, but really in love at heart.

he was actually one of the best and worst relationships i have ever been in. i learned a lot from him and grew up somewhat. i have him to thank for that.

SO...going back to this song....i hear it and immediately think of him. is that wrong? each and every word in this song is "our" relationship from the time we met, to today, even though we dont talk. i think its a sweet song to represent what we had at one time. he said mean things to me, but he also wrote me very sweet things once in a while, or he told them to me at least. and i once took all his words to heart, and somehow ironically, i still do.

"awww, baby talk."

its been over one year now

wow. its been over a year since i last wrote on here and i dont even know where to begin with where my life has taken me. i have had my ups and downs, thats for sure. i have so much to say, and just no energy to tell it all. i guess that should say enough about how i am these days.