Friday, January 28, 2005

"1,000 THINGS" to talk about when you live alone.

what a lovely song:
words & music by jason mraz

'I'm overjoyed and over loved and feeling lucky
like a little boy who's hiding under covers
and looking to discover any way to play the part inside his darkened cave
well the meaning of life it starts at the nightlight
close your eyes and hope to see mine

well I've seen a thousand things in one place
but I stopped my counting when I saw your face
erasing memory I feel as though I've never seen a face before
until I saw your eyes smiling back at me thru my tears
I've been counting all these years
Now suddenly the thousand things I've seen were
nothing more than dreams of you and me

you and me quietly at a stand still
fortunately you will kiss me and I'll kiss you back
fact of the matter of is that I don't know what the latter is
that I always wanted to kiss you but
I always wanted to run from you
Because I always wanted to miss you
And that I've always wanted to come for you

So... how do you do?

so here i am...once again...getting drunk alone. yet after 1/2 a bottle, i still find myself amazingly sober. extremely sober.

by myself. with captain morgan. who else would i be with?!

im watching my Live DVD Jason Mraz in concert and that song was playing as i decided to go ahead and "blog." this is my life now that i live alone. i sit here here, no one to know, drink when i can and want to, and watch good DVD's and want to write. so here i am....still alone. but not i guess you could count that i am with 2 other guys: the captain and jason.

so this is what life is like when you live alone. i will sum it up for you all who have yet to venture out... [does it matter that i just hit replay for the 4th time of this song? i absolutely love this song live by mraz.] getting back to living alone:

1. you are alone. if you are brave enough and strong enough to venture to a different state where the only person you know [that calls you and wants to hang out and is not too busy for you] is one hour away, then you have to learn to entertain yourself without anyone else around. this can be very healing in my eyes. i have time to walk around naked if i wanted to, i have time to sit here and watch what i want to watch and drink what i want to drink, and replay the same song for the 5th time. its great. i can do whatever it is i want. at the same time, you are alone. all the time. except for those times with the captain and jason mraz--you are by yourself. its sad. its lonely. going from something you took for granted--knowing over 300 people at a campus to knowing NO ONE, is hard. i cant walk down the small campus here and see people i live with or who i know. i cant walk into the bars and know everyone in there....i cant walk into a bar. i can, but it would be alone, and who wants to do that? so face it: living alone in a new state = being alone.

2. its scary. besides not knowing anyone, you may get a scary, creepy man knocking at your door asking for money. and then later find out that hes been to other girls' apartments. creepy.

3. its money. ugh. paying bills, loans, gas, food, it sucks. [after the 6th time of playing this same song, i finally decided to change it....]

4. its growing up. i am the first one out of all of my friends [from back home] who has moved out on her a different state...who is paying her own bills, tuition, loans, etc. and no one else seems to care and that is fine with me. i am learning and accepting this new concept of independence. but that sucks too.

5. its cooking, cleaning, doing everything on your own. ugh....[remember when you wanted your parents to leave you alone and treat you like an adult...well now i wish they would just treat me like a 6 year old.]

6. its freedom yet lock down. freedom = i can do whatever i want anytime of the day/night. lock down= i dont know anyone to do anything with. hahaha.

i cant think of anything else. the 1/2 bottle of captain is hitting me now and i dont know what else to write. i know i wanted to say something that just happened to slip my mind and its really going to eat at me and piss me off. however....i will come back with it i know. as for now....well i need to go refill and find something else to do alone. catch ya later.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

if i dont love you...

what would you think if someone said this to you:

"if i dont love you as a friend, i love you as a person."

huh?! what does that mean? they dont love are not their friend, but you are still a good person? so even though you are a good person, that person doesnt like you as a friend? it doesnt make sense to me. why wouldnt someone want to be "friends" with a nice "person?"

is that a compliment? you may not be a friend, but you are still a good person? is that an insult? youre not my friend, but youre still a good person?


does it make a difference if one of your best friends said it? if it was the last thing they said before they hung up phone: "if i dont love you as a friend, i love you as a person" and then said "ill talk to you soon, bye."

this happened to me tonight, and i sat there after the phone went dead....with my eyes looking extremely confused--eyebrows all hunched up--going "what? what the hell was that? what did they just say?" who says that? what the hell does it even mean? wierd.

"if i dont love you as my friend, i love you as a person." haha, what an ass. one of my best friends tells me i guess im not really their friend, but at least i have the fact that im loved as a person going for me huh? what the still questioning this.....