last night here

last night here. last night at purdue. thought this time would never come. but the reality of it all has suddenly overcome my mind.

it began as i had dinner tonight with my very first friend who i ever met here at purdue. kris. kris barr. from plano texas. we went out to eat tonight at la scala. we talked. remembered times from freshman and sophomore year at purdue.

and then we left.

hes moving to LA.

and i will be in michigan.

there was nothing ever between kris and i. but the fact that he and i are both leaving the place where we met was so sad. i will miss him so much. more than anything, i will miss our times together. i will miss our memories.

and its all ending. now. i see how quickly it is all coming to an end. i know other, better, bigger things lie ahead of me. i know michigan will do me good. i know who i will be living by. i know who is here and who is there for me. that is reassuring, but not completely.

will i forget purdue? will i forget AGD? will i forget the bars? will i forget the football games and breakfast club and the philanthropies and the Tower Acres bus i took to class every day? will i forget my amazing teachers who taught me so much and my friends and the strangers who i know, but dont really know? will i forget my ways around the streets and campus, will i forget the names of the bar tenders i have become "close" to each weekend as they just wave me into stacks? will i forget my sad times and my happy times and my "ME" times and my other times where i didnt know what i was doing? will i ever forget this summer when i was in depression and id go sit by the fountains at school late at night when no one else was around and campus was dead? will i forget?

i hope not.

im ok with this all. i am. its time to move on. im how old now?! sometimes i forget. once you hit 21, it seems like that is all that matters and any other age makes no difference. at least i have finally found happiness. well id say i have found about 85% happiness. im still searching for the other 15%....i know where it is too....i just cant get there.

its here. the time has come. im leaving. its like high school all over again, except this time im crying tears of sadness, not happiness. im sad to leave this place unlike i was my high school. im sad to move on, grow up, be an "adult." unlike i was at the time i graduated highschool. the best part about it all is that im already done. ive already graduated.

this whole semester i didnt walk on campus, i didnt take the bus, i didnt talk to my teachers, i didnt go into the Union or the Panhel office, i didnt drive around campus, i didnt go to the fraternities, i didnt go work out at the co-rec. i didnt do any of it. but im still sad that im leaving.

this was my life. and i think it will always remain my life. i need to write a book.






ps.....i just wrote this all after having finished a bottle of wine--alone in my empty apartment. how sad, but in reality...i am celebrating...dont know quite what im celebrating...but maybe its something like growing up, leaving, moving, starting over, being real, living, being happy, being sad but being ok with it, im celebrating my achievements. i did good this semester. i did good these last 6 months....lets see where the next six months take me......

im gonna miss place.
im gonna miss you.
im gonna miss my life.
my life here.
i will not be blue.

yellow and sunshine
lies ahead
growing up
moving on
nothing but the best
lies ahead

"lies" ahead?
am i fooling myself?

like the greeting cards say
and like i told my best friend in high school....

memories, laughter, tears.
sisters, strangers, friends.
crying, smiling, movie nights.
nights out. wild times. times i dont remember.
the times i will never forget.

and now here i am like a hermit sitting in my room drinking my bottle of cheap pink wine sobbing over the past 4.5 years and the life i am leaving behind and being scared and petrified of the life that lies ahead of me....