12-17-04

time in my life: i always thought that when i graduated from purdue my life was going to end. then i graduated. and i was so scared. i stayed at school for one more semester. felt like i was everything before i graduated. and then nothing afterwards. how sad. i worked. had a real job. became an adult. all the while, thinking it was over it--college---but really seeing that it wasnt at all. they say high school is the best time in your life...well its obvious those people didnt go to college. i say that now because i had a student who wrote something about high school being the best time in her life, when she learns and finds out who she is really is...well i can only pray that she go to college and really see the truth. she knows that im talking about her and she will know what i mean after she goes to college. anyways....so im sad tonight. i cant figure out why. is it because im finally leaving? is it because that for once i thought highly of myself and though i was becoming somewhat decent at something--teaching? who knows? i feel as though i have a small bond with my students and really relate to them. if they only knew. its so funny to think that they think highly of me, or that im better, or that i am some sort of "higher up." im not at all. lets be honest. i love those kids like they are the ones i supervised at the pool. [where i worked for a few summers]. i love them. in the way that 1. i look out for them like they are my little brother or sister. 2. i want the best for them. 3. i want them to all succeed. 4. they are so awesome. i have the best time with them. they dont realize that its my job to teach them. they dont see that all i ever wanted was for them to pass the class. they dont see that i really dont care about their grades, its the school that does. they dont see that i was in their shoes only 5 years ago. they dont see. its so funny to me. i dont care. i know what high school was like. i hated high school. HATED it. remember i never was asked to a dance?! i hated school. these kids think that i know nothing. do i like usher? they ask me. how funny. do i look that old?!?! anyways...they dont get it. im not out to fail them. i love them as my students. they are so fun. they are soooooooooo funny to me.....owell. things they say, times when they fart in class, times when they fall out of their chairs. all i want to do is laugh, but no...i have to be this "Teacher" this role model type. this...someone who is not me. they can be so cool they have no idea. they all have no idea what lies ahead of them...no clue. wait til they all go to college...they will see. and they will have no clue about me or even remember me...but i will remember them. each and everyone of them....they were my first students.....how fun. they wont know me, but i will know them.

anyways...so im so sad about tonight. leaving all and everything behind me. all but my future---grad school, which ive wanted for so long now.....and now it seems so sudden. so unreal...so not there, so not true. so fake. it is fake. but im going to michigan. going there for some reason that i always told myself i would never do...for a guy. but im happy now about it. and thats all that matters. but im leaving my life. MY LIFE. this has been life for 4.5 years now. longer if you count my sister being here. 4.5 years. purdue PURDUE. wouldnt change it for the world. would not change it for the world.

ive cried my tears. ive laughed my funny times. ive drank ALL the beer. ive seen the fights, the shows, the acts. ive played the games. ive done [and passed] the classes. ive met the strangers. ive seen the bars packed and emptied. ive walked campus late at night when no one else is around. ive done it all.

and im done. ive graduated. why am i so sad about it all? its because im afraid. im afraid of change. im afraid of leaving. for once in my life i know what is real. i know what and who i am. and for once in my life i dont know what comes next. what does come next? im scared. who do i meet now? havent i met all the friends i need to know? where do i go now? home? where is that nowadays? who do i become when i am no longer here? no longer "purdue?" what then? what next? who next?

purdue. who would have thought? who would have thought me...graduating with honors---doing it all--would be so sad? i am a teacher?!?! WHAT? if those kids only knew me...haha, they would be BLOWN away!!!! haha, just ask the one who saw me on Homecoming night by the bars after i had "been out" for 17 hours...he knows. haha! if those kids only knew...it makes me think about my teachers in high school....wow! who would have thought....being a TEACHER...would make me so sad? those of you who know me, know that i complained each and everyday about it. but really, deep down inside i loved it. it was a good time. a lot of stress, but i loved it. i tried my best to have those kids pass. i did all that i could--i feel at least. maybe i could have done more? who knows? at least i know that i tried and i can learn from my mistakes and move on to being a better teacher. those kids dont have any clue how hard i tried. i hated teaching and i loved teaching because of them. i hated to love it and i loved to hate it--teaching. tried my hardest. and im so sad to leave them. i really am. had a lot of good ones, and a lot of shitty ones.

i guess i feel like ive done all i could at this place. its time to pack up and go. and im ok with that. i am ok. remember...."by tuesday i will be fine."