Saturday, December 24, 2011

it's happening again

it used to be that when i was little, i couldn't sleep the night before Christmas Eve. so, Christmas Eve eve :) i remember tossing and turning; having very strange, vivid dreams. i could not wait until our small and rather strange family traditions began on Christmas Eve.

it's 2011, im 29 years old, and it happened again tonight. only this time it's not anticipation that keeps me awake. instead, it's worry. and sadness. and racing thoughts.

im so ready for a new year to come.
im worried about which road my life will begin to go down.

im so ready for the holidays to pass.
it brings me sadness that my entire family will not be together.

im so ready for a good night's sleep.
these racing thoughts are turning into nightmares.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

once again, it's me world

wow. again, it's been forever and a year since i blogged on here. so much as happened, and yet, so much has stayed the same. it's 2:45 my time and i just sort of 'hung up' with someone...i guess nowadays ending a texting conversation is a way of hanging up....? i feel bad for 'hanging up' with the person seeing as though im still up, but i had no intention to sit here and start typing this. i mean, it's late. im tired. im freezing in my house. and i have a million and one things to get done tomorrow because i was otherwise occupied all day...doing pretty much nothing...but having the best day all the same....doing nothing at all with someone... and still having a great day says a lot; multitudes really, of that one person. who is miles away.

i couldnt sleep. for multiple reasons.

the most obvious and boring: i had a coughing attack. fighting this stupid cold, and i had to get up and get a cough drop.

the subtle and more interesting: im about to go through some pretty serious life changes here in my life, and i am pretty sure its going to affect more than just me. and im not sure what to think. or do. or say. or all over the place.

my emotions are:

excited yet scared.
nervous yet anxious.
dreamy yet realistic.
calm yet crazy wild.
childish yet mature.
open yet shut off.

im becoming something(s) ive never been before:
im learning how to be vulnerable yet strong.
im growing older with age but im feeling younger with life.
im becoming very lost and yet more perceptive than ever.
im losing my mind, but gaining so much knowledge.
im forgetting who i thought i was and being introduced to who ive always wanted to be.
im learning to see the world through two sets of eyes, but only one heart.

at least one thing has not changed. i'm still very much in love with the oxymorons of my life.

good night moon.