haha, im so annoyed at myself

my blog is so boring. all i ever do is quote song lyrics. i need to stop. 

sometimes, the songs just make so much sense. they say exactly what i want to say. but just cant. 

scared

i found this while i was at home. and i thought it was worthy. i have been meaning to type it up on here. i have no idea when i wrote this, nor for that matter who it was about. but i read this, closed my eyes, and realized that most of can relate to this situation at one time or another in our lives. 

that one time when you are awake. and the person next to you was asleep. you just want to reach out and touch them. but you are afraid. you dont want to wake that person. and if they do wake up, what will they think.....can anyone else relate?

lying next to you

i want to reach out

touch you

im scared

im wide awake

you 

asleep 

by my side

next to me

in my territory

my hands

on your chest

my arm 

on top of yours

i cannot do it

my hand 

wrapped up 

in your fingers

a simple squeeze

i hope you can 

feel it

i wish 

i could

do it

easily

without thinking

i reach out

pull back

once more

still cannot do it

go to sleep 

angry

with myself

still scared

will you ever know

cried again

http://staroftheseabreezes.blogspot.com/

My New Love

Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz

You’ve got the best of both worlds
You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man then lift him back up again
You are strong but you’re needed, humble but you’re greeted
And based on your body language and shotty cursive I’ve been reading
You’re style is quite selective though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don’t mind my nerve you can call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they’re quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
There’s no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these words
I’m paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging

But it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blames
And the kind and courteous is a life I’ve heard
But it’s nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are
Here we are

We're still here

And it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words and priceless pictures
We’ll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today, oh the wait was so worth it

Here we are

Aug 18 entry

Movies with Mom

Midnight - Aug 18

I went with my mom tonight to see the movie “Mama Mia.” She cried when Donna is helping Sophie get ready for her wedding, and she sings “Slipping Through My Fingers.” I could not help but think that mom had her and my older sister in mind while watching that scene. 

I expect she did, especially if I was thinking the same thing. 

My sister’s wedding is coming up in December and I know my mom does not sleep at night thinking about it. She has told me. Multiple times. 

It’s totally understandable that she begins to get sad when imagining her oldest daughter moving on and getting married. I am sure there is some envy towards the young love, the whole “life ahead of them” feeling. Especially since my parents have nothing close to the idea marriage. They are not divorced, but sometimes we all agree that they should be. It’s sad really. It’s really, really sad in all actuality. I hate just thinking about it. How sad they must be.

Part of me, and it’s the selfish part of me, wonders if she will cry when my time comes. When I get married and move on to the young, endless, happy love. I’m sure she will. But it’s going to be the second-time-around-feeling. Won’t it?

My mom and I have a different relationship than hers with my sister. They are both a lot alike, and well, she was her first child. My mom has known her the longest, etc. I’m not jealous of it, I guess maybe I am a little. We just are not like they are. It’s just different. 

On a different note, this one particular sentence really makes me stop and think about a conversation I just had the other night: But it’s going to be the second-time-around-feeling. Won’t it? I was asked if when/if I ever get proposed to again, will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? [My question to myself is, was I happy the first time? And clearly my answer is no.]

At first I was kind of taken aback by the person who asked me this. We barely know each other, and I was shocked [yet a bit impressed] that he had the guts to just come right out and ask me such a personal question. I can completely see where he was coming from, and why he was curious. Ironically, my ex fiance had already been married before me [sensing a bad pattern in his life yet?] and I asked him if proposing and getting married again would be as special and meaningful as the first time. Or, would it just be a “going with the flow,” “doing this once again” feeling? So, I understand where his question came from.

My answer: First of all, the strong curiosity of knowing the answer to this question might stem from something people cannot imagine unless they have experienced it. Hence, myself wondering the same thing from my ex fiance before we were even engaged. I believe it is a justified, normal question to ask. Not because I had the same question in my head, but because an engagement and marriage should only happen once. In the normal person’s mind you don’t grow up thinking or imagining a broken engagement or ending a marriage.  So, when you hear that it didn’t work out once, and that it could happen again for a second time, wouldn’t you want to know if the same feelings are there, are they stronger, or are they weaker? The first time should be all that happens, and therefore all that should matter. However, in reality, the fairy tale endings do not always come true. Unless you have experienced the joy in an engagement and then the hurt in ending one, you cannot probably imagine having it happen all over again.

But I do. I can imagine it. And I pray that my time will come, and it will happen all over again for me. But better! 

And this was somewhat my answer to this guy’s original question, will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? Yes and no. Let me explain. 

I was happy the first time. But it was not right. The engagement was [what I believe] to be all a show and an act for my ex fiance. I am also to blame that I answered his proposal with a “yes” when I clearly was not ready. In some defense I always share with people with this story: When you are a little girl, and you imagine someone down on their knee with a ring, and he asks you to marry him, what is the response? It clearly is never “NO.” I was happy in the engagement. For about 3 months. I pray to God when/if my time comes again and someone asks me for their hand in marriage, I will be happy forever. NOT three months. So in that sense, NO I will not be as happy as I was the first time, I will be HAPPIER than the first time. 

What is so good about this experience is that I know now, going into any relationship, that it must be right to begin with. That way, when he is down on his knee, this time I won’t have to think about the answer, I will just know. 

It is such a sad thing. Such a sad experience that I went through, and I hate that someone would ever have to ask me that question: will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? God, I hope I am happier. I know I will be happier. It will be better than the first time because this second time, it will be right. 

There will be no third times, no fourth times. I made a mistake, and it sucked. A lot. But I truly came out of it such a better person. One that knows what true love is NOT and what true love should be.  

My true love. 

My new favs

http://www.myspace.com/kateisenbergmusic

http://www.myspace.com/treva

Treva's song "Home" says exactly how I feel about going home. Probably driving home tonight. 

It's getting late on the interstate and I'm racing the setting sun
Another long day and I can hardly wait for the race to finally be done
The road is long that I travel on

Home feels so far away - I'd go but I know I can't stay
It's too far to drive tonight, too late to fly, so I pray
I pray for a strong steady hand and a soft place to land

A purple sky tries to lullaby eyes so tired, so heavy, so worn
On the right side a steady white line on a road so dark and cold
I'm holding on for the morning dawn

Home feels so far away - I'd go but I know I can't stay
It's too far to drive tonight, too late to fly, so I pray
I pray for a strong steady hand - and a soft place to land

You're Cheering Me Up and I'm Thanking You. Old Buffalo.

So it goes
The ordinary people they do not know
Who we are
Or what we're doing here
I want you to pick up the phone
And hum the dial tone
You see we should start
From the top
And look at what we've got

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you

So it goes
The ordinary people they do not know
Who we are
Or what we're doing here
I want you to pick up the phone
And hum the dial tone
You see we should start from the top
And look at what we've got

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two

You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
Guess what you are cheering me
up and I'm thanking you

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you

Wishing. Sugarland.

I know I know...What's the point of posting entries that just list the lyrics of songs? Well, usually I do it because I am listening to that song at the time, and it really just touches home, hits me in the heart. Tonight, it happened to be Sugarland's latest album. Three songs really reminded me of a situation going on in my life as I write this, right NOW. Some of the lyrics relate to me, and how I feel at the moment.  The others, I think shed light on the same situation from the other person's perspective. 

Sometimes it's a pair of 
Old faded denim, I know 
Is gonna fit me like a friend 
Or some radio song 
You can't help but sing along 
Wishing they'd spin it over and over again 
Could the windows down on a Sunday drive 
Smelling rain on a summer night 
Anything that brings a little more comfort my way 

But sometimes 
There's those times 
Its gotta be you 
I keep telling myself I'm moving on 
But I'm stumbling 
Believing my heart was strong enough 
And now I'm wondering 
But every step that I take that leads me away 
Just circles back to your door 
Wishing I didn't love you anymore 

I've tried turning to 
The arms of someone new 
But I can't seem to fool this fool 
I've seen closing times 
With every bottle dry 
I've seen days alone in my own room 
I'll ask God and magazines 
Stacks of books and movie screens 
Anything to bring a little more comfort my way 

But sometimes 
There's those times 
Its gotta be you 
I keep telling myself I'm moving on 
But I'm stumbling 
Believing my heart was strong enough 
And now I'm wondering 
But every step that I take that leads me away 
Just circles back to your door 
Wishing I didn't love you anymore, of you 
Give me More 

I've done everything that I came to forget 
If there is a way I ain't found it yet 

I keep telling myself I'm moving on 
Believing my heart was strong 
But every step that I take that leads me away 
Just circles back to your door 
Wishing I didn't love you 
What I'd give if I could touch you 
Wishing I didn't love you anymore

Raindrops = Lullabies

I wish it would rain. There is something about a soft rain on a cool night that puts me to sleep as if I were never going to wake up. Not death...just dream forever. I wish it would rain. The grass needs it as much as I do tonight.

What I'd Give. Sugarland

What I'd give to bring you flowers. 
What I'd give to get you alone. 
What I'd give to bring a smile across your face. 
What I'd give to take you home. 
What I'd give to make you coffee. 
Find out how you like your eggs. 
Wrapped around you in the mornin'. 
A tangled lace of arms and legs. 

What I'd give to let you love me. 
Find out everything that brings you joy. 
Wake up to your face above me. 
I'd be that girl and you could be that boy. 
Find out why that feelin' is... 
Oh, what I'd give. What I'd give. 

What I'd give to take you dancin'. 
What I'd give to make you mine. 
If you got questions, I got answers. 
And my answer's "yes" to you every time. 
What I'd give for just one minute. 
What I'd give to count all the ways 
If your heart was dark with nothing in it. 
I'd give you mine and take your place. 

What I'd give to let you love me. 
Find out everything that brings you joy. 
Wake up to your face above me. 
I'd be that girl and you could be that boy. 
Find out why that feelin' is... 
Oh, what I'd give. What I'd give. 

Keep You. Sugarland.

We said goodbye, tried her hand at magic
We couldn't make us disappear
Not a day goes by, I don't wish I had you
So run away, I'm glad you're still here

It's a bitter sweet victory
Lovin' the ghost in front of me

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide

What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you
From doin' this to me?

I wrote a couple of notes
One in love, one in anger
They're lyin' there
Dyin' in the dresser drawer

Lived louder than my voice
Struggled through a stranger
He loved me
Till I loved you even more

It's a bitter sweet victory
Lovin' someone else who wanted me

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide
You get used to the pain and numb to the sting
Till you can't feel anything

You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it
As if your words were my tears
Flowin' freely, warm and quiet
From the edges of my eyes and my ears
Then all that disappears

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide
Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide

What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you
From doin' this to me?

I am here again.

Im here, at “the spot,” which I think I can officially call “my” spot now. --The viewing area at the airport. The sun is setting on another day, yet I am not really excited about it. It’s chilly out and I forgot to bring a sweat shirt. I probably won’t stay long, but I had to get my mind off things. I could not just sit at home and wait for a phone call. One that I know I will never get. 

I am dealing with some issues of my own these days---aren’t I always. It’s my issue of being alone. I don’t want someone just to be with someone, I want the real someone. Time and time again I think I have found that someone, and it usually just leads to heartbreak. It’s usually me--the one who breaks things off. However, I realize that I usually always have someone in my life. Why? Maybe it stems from something in my childhood, maybe it stems from my low self esteem. Who knows? I wish I did. Someone told me just the other night what I have been saying for years now...how can I expect someone to really love me; if I cannot seem to love myself? But, what if I do love myself---when I am with someone? Then it’s a catch 22. I cannot win either way.  

Everyone keeps telling me to move on, I need to be alone for a while. To find the real me (Because once I find the real me, all my troubles will disappear, right?). How am I supposed to know what the real me is? What if the real me is being with someone? I admit I can be alone. I can handle myself. I am capable of doing it all on my own. But I don’t like it. And I am done being desperate. But just when you think you found the one, either: 1. I break it off, 2. they do not feel the same way about me, or 3. it just goes under. 

But I will also admit, I don’t like being alone.  I don’t need someone there for me in my life, but I want someone there. I am done being desperate. He needs to come find me. Everyone says “you’re looking too hard” and “it will happen when you least expect it.” Ok, that’s fine. But I wish God could speed up that process. =)

I’m done looking. I am declaring that right here, right now. I AM DONE LOOKING FOR LOVE. I guess I will just suck it up, get used to be alone, and let love find me. 

For now, it’s just me and the dog.   

Is it a problem....

that I tend to usually cry at church? I went to church this morning, and once again, I began to get all teary-eyed. I cannot pin point what it is that gets to me. Nor, can I figure out what it is I cry over. I just do. I think it might just be the Holy Spirit working within me--being proud that I have come. 

Many people have told me that sometimes while being in church, you will feel as though the message is being directed straight to you. Today was one of those days, one of those messages. 

What I got out of today's message:

1. The letters EP have a new meaning for me. 

2. "Whatever you do, do it in the name of Christ, do it in the reputation of Christ." - This means really taking a long, hard, look at myself and my actions. Do I do the things I do, with Christ in mind? No. Not always. Probably hardly ever. That is something I really need to work on and change. Not only in my mind; internally, but also through my behavior; externally. In relationships. 

3. I need to rid myself of anger, slander, rage, and malice. This is something that comes so easily and is often hidden in a disguise--sometimes of laughter, sometimes in plain conversation. What good is it? None. 

4. "To set my sights higher and live with more victory over sin, I need to...???" I could not come up with a decent answer to this question right away. But then I did: "accept myself." To set my sights higher and live with more victory over sin, I need to accept me for who I am. It is told to me time and time again, that I, we all are, God's masterpieces. Yet, it is so hard for me to believe that about myself. I see so many things that are wrong with me. I see the devil working his way into my life, into my mind, that makes me think these things. I am trying to overcome it, but it is hard. For so long the devil has had his way with me...thinking I am less than what I am, making me see others and wanting to be like them, wanting to be better. I need to stop. Simply stop. I am me. I am the way I am because God created me this way. I need to learn that who I am is ok. I'm getting there...slowly, but surely. 

5. These next two are the hardest ones to admit. "Who I am is seen by my responses in relationships." and "Who I am is seen by my responses to His Lordship." I am going to wait until another day to respond to the relationship issue...because that is a huge issue for me.         --->"Who I am is seen by my responses to His Lordship." Well then, I have a lot of work to do, let's just put it that way. But, I am working on making those responses mean more and reflect the person who I want to become....the person I know I am...the person I just need to find. 

6. My progress on this journey is coming along great. I have seen the Lord working in my life, and I have watched Him work in the lives of others around me. I have begun to watch what I say more, I have begun to look ahead more--in the long run, I have begun to take notice of how I interact and treat others. I have stepped back, slowed down, turned off the tv more often, and sometimes I just sit. Sit and think. And really reflect. On myself. And while I have been dealing with the bluntness of not liking who I am/was, it brings me joy to see that I can go forward. God will forgive me. It's not that I have been a horrible person, but maybe at times I have. I have not treated others fairly, I have lied, I have envied, I have wanted, I have given in too easily, I have not tried hard enough, I have tried too hard. But with all of these realizations, comes the hope and excitement of changing. Changing my ways, changing my actions, changing my thoughts. And for that, I am excited! 

7. The "Since--Then" theory. We all think it..."Since he didn't call me, then I must have said something to scare him off." "Since he doesn't like me, then I must be fat." "Since I didn't get the job, then I must not be good enough." "Since he cheated on me, then I must have been a bad girlfriend/fiance." "Since I didn't win, then I must suck at everything." We all need to change the way we think. God has a plan. For each one of us. And whether we like it or not, it's there, His plan is there for us.  The theory needs to change into something like this: "Since [whatever], then it was not mean to be/then God has something better for me/then it was not His plan."

All of this is so much easier said than done. 

why

cool nights

breezes outside

blow the scent in

and pass me

she whispers

coolness, still

why

you are alone

stars, not many

others invisible

big dipper above

pointing the way

looking at me

wondering 

why 

you are alone

crickets hum 

their songs

toads speak

their language 

of love

wanting

why

you are alone

favorite song...so sappy...so overplayed now. so sad about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqRcobkdnos&feature=related

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
Loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I feel of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Sing sha la la la
Sing sha la la la la

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

It's all wrong, it's all wrong
It's all wrong, it's so right
So come on, get higher
So come on and get higher
'Cause everything works, love
Everything works when you're on 

overlooked

things are so overlooked.  i have such a great life. my family is healthy. im healthy. maybe i havent found happiness yet, but thats ok. i will. someday. i hope.

and yet, someone i dont even know, i cry about.  (http://staroftheseabreezes.blogspot.com/)

its not fair to be a widow at 28. ever. but im so sad. this guy, is so positive, so "ok" it seems. even though his wife just went to spend eternity with the Lord. i envy his strength and his outlook. i wish i could be like that.

im not that sad in reality. i truly believe that God called her home. He knew how amazing she was, and she worked her way into the lives of others. He knew she did her work, He called her home. Yet, its sad to think about. Why does He take the good ones? The ones who need to stay on this earth to help more?

I remember coming home to my dorm freshman year, and there was  huge yellow squirrel on my door. "love your pledge mom, Alison." she was amazing. and i can only think that i was a pledge mom to two girls, who both ended up leaving AGD. what does that say about me? She was my pledge mom, and i ended up being president. 

i remember once i thought i had "wake" duty. i took a bunch of sleeping pills so i would fall asleep early and got a ride to the house. i went there, went up to ali's room, and she was so confused as to why i was there. 

i had the wrong night. she laughed at me. 

i do remember doing wake with her. it was so pointless at the time, but yet, she was there with me. i do remember that. 

she is with the Lord. Im not sad. I cannot be. God had this planned out since before she was in the womb. Maybe i dont understand it. i dont get it. but what i do know is that she did her job here on this earth. she spread His word. she made others believe. 

She is with Him, and we are not. Yet. We can only be somewhat jealous, right? jealousy is a sin. but how can we NOT envy her place? 

Tom

my pledge mom died on tuesday. i havent really cried much. not until now. when i read her husband's blog. afterwards. after she was gone. i cried.  a lot. 

AUGUST 08, 2008

Things I Never Wanted To Know

1) Everyone looks at you like you have the bubonic plague. And "widower" written across the forehead. They simply do not know what to say. I am really okay though, and wish humor would return. I need to print off a list of funny one-line or two jokes so I can break the ice better.

2) No one knows which way you'll feel. Do you want help, company, solitude? Even I don't know until I let my shoulders hang and put out my antennas to try and feel something.

3) Hunger stops. I've been getting headaches, stomach aches, etc, and wondering why until I realize that it's 2:47 and I haven't had as much as a sip of water.

4) Implied tasks get overlooked. This morning I left the water running. Yesterday I burnt the toast. Twice.

5) How the services and calling are arranged. All the tasks I never thought of.

ha, what love is....

someone once told me that i needed to listen to this song...its really retro, but says a lot. 

Was it more than attraction and a physical lust?
Her loins, my imagination, that first inconceivable touch,
That I was planning, er, I mean wishing, uh..
How embarassed I’d been if you knew what I was thinking of. 

And whoa, when it started, my first thought was love,
Not just lust, because when I heard you speak, I felt warm.
In the evening I saw you, you were warming the bass up.
Your hair covered your face up,
I was acting indifferent at the merch booth, putting on makeup.

We met up at a party in a swamp on a yacht.
I spun the helm, but we were docked.

I crossed my fingers, but I didn’t beg, no ,
Cause I knew you knew,
Cause I knew you knew I liked you.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it,
But I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance with you.
I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance with you.

Close to you, wishing we’re conjoined at the tongue.
Can you hear me thinking? I should stop...

I crossed my fingers, but I didn’t beg,
Cause I knew you knew,
Cause I knew you knew I liked you.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it,
But I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it,
But I figured desperate guys, 
Never had a chance with you.

I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance with you.
I knew that desperate guys,
Would never have a chance with you.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.