Friday, July 25, 2008

Watching Airplanes





Just like 

the song says...I’m just sittin down here watching airplanes...take off and fly. Tryin to figure out which one you might be on....and why you don’t love me anymore. 


A friend of mine showed me this place. I like to call it “our place” because we have been out here a few times together just to think, vent, and watch the planes. I know we both come out here sometimes alone to think and to just be. He doesn’t know it, but I have come out here more than once, lately to pray. But, I don’t really have the right to call it “ours.” It’s really just his. He showed it to me and told me about it. I feel guilty as if I am stealing his special place from him. Yet, I know he is at work tonight, [ha], so for tonight, I will call it all mine. Tonight, it’s mine. All mine.


It’s this place right outside of the GR Airport, called “The Viewing Area.” It is amazing. You just sit down on the hill or on a picnic table and literally watch the airplanes take off, fly, and land. What’s even better about it is that the sun sets right in the west, above the runway. It is simply gorgeous. I came out here tonight because I felt guilty sitting at home in front of the tv when it is the most perfect night. Ironically, I have had about four people call me and I just decided to put my phone on silent. I don’t want to share tonight with anyone but Phoenix. (Who is laying on the table right next to me, her back completely turned from the runway, more excited to watch the cars and people pulling in and out of the “Area.” ) She was inside all day and so when I came home we went for a 2 mile walk/run around the track, and then I took her out here. I like to think of it as a “doggy date” with my pup. Usually I would be sad and mourning in my sorrow for being alone and not having anyone here with me to share this with. But not tonight. 


People always write about the sun and sun sets, that I feel like whatever I write will not even begin to give others justice. But what I see tonight cannot go without words. The sun is a huge orange glowing hanging ball. Clouds around it  so that you can just see the top of it with specks in between the clouds. As I write, it’s setting faster and faster as if it knows I wanted to leave at nine o’clock--it’s drifting quicker so that when I leave, I won’t feel as much guilt for deserting it on this night. It is now a shade of pink and it’s resting on top of whatever building is in the distance. My dog blocks my view and she anxiously awaits for this worthless piece of writing to end. The air is filled with the chain rattling around her neck, birds - one of which is a yellow gold-finch resting on top of the 20ft fence around the runway. No crickets or frogs just yet. Only the sound of the humming tower behind me. I think it is used for the local weather station. 


The sun is 1/2 behind the building, and its color has changed to a deep hot magenta, neon pink. The more I look that way, into the west, the more bright spots I see in my eyes.  The clouds’ tips are highlighted by a silver sun glow from the setting sun. It makes the rest of the sky in the west a pallet of pastels. It almost looks like a rainbow within the clouds. 


The sun is gone. All that is left is a building in the distance with broken clouds around it. Specks of sunshine, glowing neon orange between the purple-blue sky. 

Magnificent. 



Thursday, July 24, 2008

My Journey Begins....

So tonight I finally realized that this journey of mine has officially begun. Christ is showing Himself to me in a million ways. All of these things have happened to me within the past month! 

(I plan on writing more in depth about each of these, but for now I just need to make a note to myself so I remember what they all are!)

1. Phoenix / dogs
2. Old friend David on Facebook
3. Stacy at SHAPE / mountain vs. valley / Sunday service
4. Kathy W. - spiritual friend
5. SHAPE / Sandy / networks with others
6. Jo Dobson / TK
7. Luann Snider
8. Alison / Alpha Gams
9. Boyfriends
10. My calling / purpose


I cannot wait to write more about this! 

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Tuesday

Ok, whew! What a depressing mess I have been. I figured I really need to start using this page as a way to share my happiness and other good things in my life. Not to say that I am the happiest person ever, and looking at some of my past blog entries, I realize that I really needed to take a good, long, look at myself. That's where this and church comes in. I am so glad I started going to church. However, the past few years were extremely rough for me. They were hard. I won't lie. I only hope I can go forward and not wallow in the past. I am beginning to learn a lot about myself, the consequences of some of my choices, and those results. I am anxious to move forward, meet new people, and start getting to know my faith and blessings better. 

Sunday, July 20, 2008

story of my life.....

He left me cryin' late one Sunday night outside of Boulder
He said he had to find himself out on the road
I guess when love goes wrong
You've gotta learn to be strong

So I worked two jobs and I moved three times
I ended up south of Memphis workin' down in Riverside
I may not be so lucky in love
But the one thing I'm sure of

I want a man that stands beside me
Not in front of or behind me
Give me two arms that want to hold me not own me
And I'll give all the love in my heart
Stand beside me
Be true don't tell lies to me
I'm not lookin' for a fantasy
I want a man that who stands beside me

i gave into alcohol tonight. not doing so well.   =(

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Dear God:

When I fall down, I need a helping hand.
And when I lose my head, it's cause it's always buried in the sand.
When I get stuck on myself, feelin' sorry for myself.
Will you help me grab a hold and please don't patrionize my soul.
When I start to lose control, when I get irrational, when I start to get too high,
you see me come floating by, I say

Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
Touch me in the morning sun, show me what is possible.
Touch me in the morning sun when I feel impossible, show me what is possible.
Teach me love invisible, Teach me love invincible, Teach me love invincible,
Teach me love invincible.

When youre down, you need a helping hand.
And when you lose your head, I'll help you wash away the sand.
And when you get stuck on yourself, feelin' sorry for yourself.
I will help you grab a hold and I won't patrionize your soul.
When you start to lose control, when you get irrational, when you start to get too high,
I see you come floating by, I say
Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
Touch me in the morning sun, show me what is possible.
Touch me in the morning sun when I feel impossible, 
show me what is possible.
Teach me love invincible, Teach me love invincible
When we're down, we need a helping hand.
And when we lose our heads, it's cause they're always buried in the sand.
But when we get stuck on our selves, feelin' sorry for our selves.
Will you help us grab a hold and please don't patrionize our souls.
When we start to lose control, when we get irrational, when we start to get too high,
You see us come floating by, I say,

Touch us with the morning sun, when we feel impossible.
Touch us with the morning sun, show us what is possible.
Touch us in the morning sun when we feel impossible, show us what is possible.
Teach us love invinsible, teach us love invisible

Teach us love invinsible, hold us love invincible, share us love invinsible,
be us love invinsible, help us love invisible, touch us love invinsible,
breathe us love invinsible, sing it love invisible.

Life is Beautiful

Keb' Mo'


Lets go driftin through the trees
Let's go sailing on the sea
Let's go dancing on the juke-join floor
And leave our troubles all behind, have a party

So easily forgotten, are the most important things
Like the melody and the moonlight in your eyes
And a song that lasts forever
Each song getting better all the time

Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright

I get crazy, so afraid
That I might lose you some fine day
And I'll be nothing but a tired old man
And I don't wanna be without you at the party

So easily forgotten, the most important thing
Is that I love you - I do
And I want to spend my days and nights
Walking through this crazy world with you

Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright

So easily forgotten, the most important thing
Is that I love you - I do
And I want to spend my days and nights
Walking through this crazy world with you
(that's right baby)

Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright
Shining Bright

questions, things i am wondering about, things i learned tonight

1. when we put ourselves down, it is like a slap in the face to God. He made us each a masterpiece. We need to love and respect that. We are who we are because He made us that way. I need to really learn to accept that. I always think, why me? I am nothing special. who cares? But I realize that I need to work on accepting myself. Then  it could be easier to accept Him. 

2. I am neither inferior or superior to anyone else. God each made us a separate masterpiece. 

3. Success is doing what He made us to do. whatever that may be. I need to figure it out and be successful in that.

4. MY gifts are for OTHERS. Whatever my gifts, talents, abilities are; He gave them to me to serve others.

5. I need interdependence in my life. It is ok to NEED someone and for that person to need ME in order to live His way.  I dont "need" anyone in my life to survive. I can get by. But it is ok to WANT someone there for you. And it is ok to NEED someone there to help lift me up and make me a better person. 

I went to a church group tonight....

and i came home, and i forgot that i gave up alcohol. 

anyways, it [this church group called SHAPE - to begin your journey toward Christ] really opened my eyes to so much lately. maybe it will sound like i am preaching, but i am ok with that. maybe this journey of mine will inspire or motivate others. here is a facebook message/conversation i had tonight with someone whom i have not spoken with in years. he truly is an inspiration as he is 27 years old and survived a brain stroke. He told me tonight [not even having a conversation about God] that God only gave him what he could handle, and that God is not done with him, and that he will recover and move on. What an inspiration. Here is my response to Dave, my friend:

hey, sorry. my mom called me. my sister is getting married and we are doing so much planning for it. we were figuring out our flight info. (wedding is in florida where she lives.) i apologize to just leave you hanging. anyways, i totally agree with you about God having his plan and only giving us what we can handle. i feel bad when i get mad and stressed and cry about stuff, when i know He will see me through it all. I just started this whole journey and like i said, it is scary doing it all alone. but i have faith that He will guide me to have more acceptance. I swear though, it is so weird....like all of a sudden, since I started this journey, He has popped up in the most random places. And tonight was one of them...talking to you totally out of the blue and just you saying that about Him...kind of freaked me out. He is showing Himself to me in the oddest of places like he is hinting to me. It's fun at the same time. Im always wondering, "whats next?" Anyways, enough of me preaching. sorry. it was so good to talk to you and catch up. I'll pray for your recovery! keep in touch! Steph =)


how amazing is He? He is truly showing Himself to me in the strangest of places. I think I will start using this blog as a way to show others what I go through on this journey to gain a clearer and closer personal relationship with God. I can see His work in others and I feel like He does have a purpose for me in this life here on Earth. I just need to find that purpose. And it needs to begin with finding myself. 

I am excited!


Michael Franti

My new obsession. 

Monday, July 14, 2008

Pandora

it's my new favorite thing in the entire world. 

http://pandora.com

im in a mood that i dont think i have ever been in before--at least not in a long time. i cant even describe it in words.  i gave up alcohol. so maybe what i am experiencing is "real". and not some falsified feeling that the chemicals in the wine i usually have give me. 


it sucks actually.  im dying for a drink to forget about life for a while. 


sadness

i simply hate being sad. its even worse when you are sad and you dont even know why. or what about when you DO know why, and there is nothing you can do to make it stop? i also hate mosquito bites. 

On Love, In Sadness Lyrics
by Jason Mraz & Jenny Keene

Sing about that oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
Not falsified to say that I found God so 
Inevitably well it still exists. 
Pale and fine I can't dismiss 
And I won't resist and if I die well, at least I tried

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, rust and the rain endure.
The rust and the rain so thin
Well I'm in like Flynn again
(I'm in)

So go on place your order now cause some other time is right around the clock
You can stand in line well it finally begins oh just around the block
You can have your pick if your stomach is sick whether you eat or not
And there is just one thing that I almost forgot

Oh, see, you and me, we lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, the rivers unwind so easy
Oh, these are the comforts that be

You see, well, I'm feeling lucky oh well, maybe that's just me
Well you'd be(so)proud of me oh well, if you could only see
How we're gonna grow on up to be, 
Ah yes we are thick as thieves 

Sing about that oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
It's not falsified to say that I found God so 
Inevitably, well it still exists so pale and fine I can't dismiss 
And I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind and the rust and the rain endure
The rust and the rain endure, I'm sure. 

Because I'm insofar to know the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be-
Insofar to know, the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be-
Insofar to know, the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be lost on me

Oh not tonight, said love will never ever be lost on me.
(Love will...) never ever be lost on me
(Love) will not be
Love will never be lost on me
Love...will...not...be...lost..on...me.