again, its been a while

and i just finished a 6-pack. 

i sense myself getting back into the old habit of drinking away, or into, my problems and depressions. 

its summer. 

im here in michigan. 

i feel alone. 

although i have people in my life. 

i think. 

sometimes i just get too caught up in the fact that everyone seems to have their own lives. 

already. 

families. 

kids. 

their own/other friends. 

me. not so much. 

im just a floater. 

and i really, usually, enjoy it. 

most of the time. 

except for nights like these. 

then i start to sulk and feel sorry for myself. 

like why i ever moved here. and why im still here. its because i always seem to tell myself that there is supposed to be something here for me. 

i just need to find it. 

and maybe its here already. or maybe its not. but how am i supposed to know? 

so i start to feel sorry for myself. 

i start to think about moving. and going somewhere else. but where? 

wont it just be the same if i go someplace else? wherever that may be...everyone will be established. everyone will have someone else in their lives. everyone will have their own life. 

it doesnt matter. 

i will never be happy it seems. i will never find what i am looking for. or at least it seems. sometimes i just wish that what i dream....actually dream...at night...when i wake up in cold or hot sweats...would come true.