realizations

i just realized tonight what a horrible friend i have been to one person in particular in my life. and thats just it....he was not really so much in my life at all for the past 3 years. but you know, he was one of those people who is always in the back of your mind, just there, just thinking about them, maybe remembering something and that person pops up, or you go home and someone says "oh i saw so and so the other night," and it makes you consider calling that person just to say hi....yea, one of those....a friend...who was once a really good friend, and time or something just got in the way...life got in the way....one of those....

i found out tonight, that since the last time i talked to my friend, he has 1. met a lady 2. proposed to her 3. got engaged 4. got married 5. has a one year old daughter 6. has another baby on the way and 7. is building a house. All this has happened in his life in 3 years. i know the phone works both ways so i know that i cant be too down on myself about this, but still...after all that time of knowing each other, we slipped away from it all. i tried to tell myself "oh, it was just that i was so busy in college." but come on...sure i was always super busy, but too busy to pick up the phone and call someone? i guess it was more like an excuse; "i always tried to be too busy." how horrible.

i cant fully understand and believe that 1. its been that long since i have talked to him 2. i actually did that to someone [totally left them out in the dark] 3. never tried just a little bit harder 4. let a great friendship completely slip away 5. i had forgotten all the memories [good and bad] 6. acted that way. i am shocked with myself, and rather disgusted to be honest. when he told me what was "going on in his life" i didnt know what to say! all i could feel inside was "wow, its really been only 3 short [but long] years, and all i have done is graduate?!?!?!"

its amazing how one conversation can completely change your life, your outlook on things, and can make a person change. all i can think about now are all the people who i have lost contact with--from high school, from my freshman year at purdue, since i graduated, and not to mention all the people that i will someday lose contact with. its a given. people move on--to bigger and [sometimes] better things. people move on--not necessarily "get over" a person, but everyone sometime or another has to move on--grow up. i guess it just wanst until today that i realized what could happen from the time you talk to someone until you talk to them again, someday down the road. [how interesting my high school reunion is going to be....] you just do---move on. you have to. everyone has their own lives and day by day each one of us moves on. not everyone you know is going to know about it either. it takes two. both parties have to give a little. how strange. i didnt think back then that when the next time came that i talk to this person, he was going to be married, with two children, and building a house for him and his family to live in. its amazing how some of us just grow up so much quicker than others.

i guess my only advice is dont wait 3 years to call someone. try a little harder. you never know what you are going to miss. and trust me, feeling the way i do right now sucks. i still cant believe that 3 years ago we were talking about buying new cars and working together at best buy....its so cliche, but my....how time flies...[when youre having fun...], and only if its truly "having fun." not making up an excuse that you were.

people i need to call or write to tomorrow....hmm....









----->(i guess though, what would suck more, is when you try to get in contact with someone and they just dont try back--at all--its like they dont care about you or your life at all anymore. im sure that is worse, and more depressing. im glad that at least i have come to this realization and can change. otherwise, one day---someone out there is going to want to contact someone, and that person wont be around anymore. and thats probably an even worse feeling to have than the one i have right now..... at least you know that you were the one who tried...thats all a person can do....thats another blog, another time.....)<------

i know...

i know i cant push time but i want it to be tomorrow

i am so impatient.

i say im too busy for love but i want true love today
i say i want to be independent but im just too stubborn to admit i need anyone
i know im not fat but i want to lose 12 pounds

i love to hate and i hate to love
i want to love but i hate hugging

i think i need to be better than others but i know im fine the way i am
i think im not worth anything but i am to at least one person out there
i know i should be happy but i cry myself to sleep sometimes

i want to be an actress and i put on a show each day

im here.

i feel strong but i know im weak
i know im jealous of others but i have a great life
i open up to anyone but no one knows the real me
i try to figure out who i am but i dont know the real me

i realize all of this.

i know there are people here for me but i dont give them a chance
i know i give good advice but i never listen to myself
i know its easier to be happy but i put more effort into being mad

i know im sheltered but i know a lot

i have so many goals but i always make up excuses to work towards them
i have this front that i know im just afraid to lose
i know im an adult but inside im just a child

just a child

i know all of this.
















so what then?

boredom

im gonna get out of this place
as soon as i can find my way
but until then all i gotta say:
is look a little deeper
try a little harder
keep focused
the stars tell it all
they never lie
and from what i can see
you have a beautiful future