Email that I Wrote Tonight....

Hi ladies!

How is your summer going? Hope it's going well! I just got back from San Antonio and I had so much fun at the Alpha Gamma Delta Convention! I cannot wait to get started advising the chapter at Central Michigan! I learned a lot and am excited to get back into my roots of the sorority life. I just realized why it was I joined that sorority and the impact I can have on other young women. Thanks to those of you who donated to the walk I participated in. I tried running most of it, but a night of karaoke + 90 degree weather at 6am that morning prevented me from running all of it. I have pictures! Oh, and....I ended up winning a huge Williams Sonoma kitchen gift set from raising over $300!!!!! Not my $1000 goal, but still awesome. Overall, together everyone raised $24,000 for American Diabetes Association! How cool!!!!!

On another note, I need some prayers:

(Some of you know this story....) My uncle passed away yesterday. He was an awesome man who lived a looooooong life. It was expected and I know God called him home to finally be with his family. He lived in Hungary during the Communist Revolution, and when he was about 8 years old, he came home from school and his house had been bombed. He found his parents and siblings in the house. Everyone was dead. He grew up with his cousins and came to the US where he met my aunt, and fell in love with her the instant he saw her. When she was sent to a nunnery (she was wild!) he wrote her love letters every single day! The last time I saw him, we sat around the dining room table and he could tell me to this day what she wore the first time they met at a "Hungarian Dance." He was the ideal man. I hope someday I can find someone who is that in love with me. Better yet, I hope someday that feeling is mutual. It was his time, but my aunt is so upset, as anyone would be. He was her life. Please pray for her, as we all know Uncle Alex is in a better place. My Aunt Judy is here without the love of her life.

Me. I am a mess. Ha. I hate writing mass emails like this that are all sappy and stuff, but sometimes I think I was brought to Michigan if not for anything else, than to meet great amazing ladies like you who make a huge impact on my life. It upsets me that I cannot talk to my mom about this. She has enough on her plate with my brother, dad, and planning for my sisters wedding back home. The last thing she needs is her middle child having a quarter-life crisis and breaking down. Oops, now I realize you all have the same issues! Sorry...I'll go on anyways....I cannot talk to my parents, as I feel like I do so much to try to impress them, even though they have no idea what all I do. Explaining this to them would just make them feel like they messed up,or make me feel like I am upsetting them. Whichever, I will not talk to my parents about this.

First of all, I am desperate for love. ha...I know I cannot rush it. I know my time will come. I need to give it time. I think I did the first step to moving out of living in the past. I deleted all the numbers of guys in my phone who I have had some connection with and who have brought me down in some way. I know this one guy who is just simply amazing. He loves me. I wish I felt the same way. I know EXACTLY what it is like to be in love with someone and not have that same feeling back towards you. It sucks. And you just wish it could be reciprocated. But how can you force something? I had a great talk tonight with a good friend. He really got to me tonight. He really opened up to me and tried to get me to talk, but when things got really serious in our conversation, and I began to cry (well just tear up), I just got up and left. PROBLEMS. When Im scared, I just run. Avoid it totally. Crying, to me, is a sign of weakness, and I try not to let people see me cry. I want to be strong.

I cannot fall back into the same pattern of always having someone there for me. I need to take it slow and I need to take time for myself. I got all sappy and began to cry, and told him I had to go and just left. Ha. ooops!

I am just so sick of everyone else being so happy in love. I am so jealous of all of you and your relationships. But when my time comes, I just want it to be RIGHT. I just want that feeling of just "knowing its right." If I am tied down, who knows if I will ever find it???

I have been going to church and even an "age group" meeting on Tuesdays, and finding out that I am having the hardest time with the three following things: believing, forgiving, and accepting the truth. Believing in God, Forgiving XXXX and myself for whatever I did to mess up that relationship, Accepting the truth that its ok to mess up and make mistakes and accepting the truth of how things are. But I think I need more than church. I cannot seem to find peace.

What makes me the happiest is doing things for other people. Not myself. To me, that is being selfish, but I dont think that I am truly happy. And I enjoy making others happy. But if I cannot make myself happy, will I ever find peace? If you asked me what happiness is, I dont think I could answer except by saying that its seeing others happy. I do not know what happiness is.

Like I said, I am a mess. When school is in session, I dont have time to think and I waste my time coming up with (what I think are...) cool lesson plans. Now I have all this free time and try to figure my life out. But I just cannot seem to do it. I know its not something that happens in a day, or a month. But you all seem just so put together and "know" what it is that makes you who you are in life. I feel like I have been searching and searching for YEARS and I still come back to nothing! I feel like I have a lot to offer people, but cant seem to figure out the most basic thing in life...who I am. And why dont people want to be with me? Does that make any sense? I feel like I am being WAAAAAAAAY too deep with you all, and I apologize.

It's just been a rough night...starting with the realization that guys in my past who I have been holding on to do not want to be with me, to someone really getting me to open up, to the wine I bought to make myself feel better (i know...its another problem....)

It took a lot for me to open up to you guys, and I am sitting here crying for no reason because of it. I know we each have our problems, and I am sorry to lay this all on you. You really do not need to worry about me...I have gotten along just fine on my own for so long now. But I feel like right now I really need some advice or suggestions. I really do not know what I am asking you for.

Maybe just a prayer that I will figure things out in my life. Or that I will find happiness. I think the reason I can never stay with someone is because I do not open up to those people who are really there for me. I saw that with my friend tonight. He tried to get me to open up, as a few others have tried, but I just cannot seem to do it. Maybe I need to try and maybe I will find that happiness??? So much easier said than done.

I am tired, and I am sorry for this huge long email. I wish life was easy.