I am here again.

Im here, at “the spot,” which I think I can officially call “my” spot now. --The viewing area at the airport. The sun is setting on another day, yet I am not really excited about it. It’s chilly out and I forgot to bring a sweat shirt. I probably won’t stay long, but I had to get my mind off things. I could not just sit at home and wait for a phone call. One that I know I will never get. 

I am dealing with some issues of my own these days---aren’t I always. It’s my issue of being alone. I don’t want someone just to be with someone, I want the real someone. Time and time again I think I have found that someone, and it usually just leads to heartbreak. It’s usually me--the one who breaks things off. However, I realize that I usually always have someone in my life. Why? Maybe it stems from something in my childhood, maybe it stems from my low self esteem. Who knows? I wish I did. Someone told me just the other night what I have been saying for years now...how can I expect someone to really love me; if I cannot seem to love myself? But, what if I do love myself---when I am with someone? Then it’s a catch 22. I cannot win either way.  

Everyone keeps telling me to move on, I need to be alone for a while. To find the real me (Because once I find the real me, all my troubles will disappear, right?). How am I supposed to know what the real me is? What if the real me is being with someone? I admit I can be alone. I can handle myself. I am capable of doing it all on my own. But I don’t like it. And I am done being desperate. But just when you think you found the one, either: 1. I break it off, 2. they do not feel the same way about me, or 3. it just goes under. 

But I will also admit, I don’t like being alone.  I don’t need someone there for me in my life, but I want someone there. I am done being desperate. He needs to come find me. Everyone says “you’re looking too hard” and “it will happen when you least expect it.” Ok, that’s fine. But I wish God could speed up that process. =)

I’m done looking. I am declaring that right here, right now. I AM DONE LOOKING FOR LOVE. I guess I will just suck it up, get used to be alone, and let love find me. 

For now, it’s just me and the dog.