Aug 18 entry

Movies with Mom

Midnight - Aug 18

I went with my mom tonight to see the movie “Mama Mia.” She cried when Donna is helping Sophie get ready for her wedding, and she sings “Slipping Through My Fingers.” I could not help but think that mom had her and my older sister in mind while watching that scene. 

I expect she did, especially if I was thinking the same thing. 

My sister’s wedding is coming up in December and I know my mom does not sleep at night thinking about it. She has told me. Multiple times. 

It’s totally understandable that she begins to get sad when imagining her oldest daughter moving on and getting married. I am sure there is some envy towards the young love, the whole “life ahead of them” feeling. Especially since my parents have nothing close to the idea marriage. They are not divorced, but sometimes we all agree that they should be. It’s sad really. It’s really, really sad in all actuality. I hate just thinking about it. How sad they must be.

Part of me, and it’s the selfish part of me, wonders if she will cry when my time comes. When I get married and move on to the young, endless, happy love. I’m sure she will. But it’s going to be the second-time-around-feeling. Won’t it?

My mom and I have a different relationship than hers with my sister. They are both a lot alike, and well, she was her first child. My mom has known her the longest, etc. I’m not jealous of it, I guess maybe I am a little. We just are not like they are. It’s just different. 

On a different note, this one particular sentence really makes me stop and think about a conversation I just had the other night: But it’s going to be the second-time-around-feeling. Won’t it? I was asked if when/if I ever get proposed to again, will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? [My question to myself is, was I happy the first time? And clearly my answer is no.]

At first I was kind of taken aback by the person who asked me this. We barely know each other, and I was shocked [yet a bit impressed] that he had the guts to just come right out and ask me such a personal question. I can completely see where he was coming from, and why he was curious. Ironically, my ex fiance had already been married before me [sensing a bad pattern in his life yet?] and I asked him if proposing and getting married again would be as special and meaningful as the first time. Or, would it just be a “going with the flow,” “doing this once again” feeling? So, I understand where his question came from.

My answer: First of all, the strong curiosity of knowing the answer to this question might stem from something people cannot imagine unless they have experienced it. Hence, myself wondering the same thing from my ex fiance before we were even engaged. I believe it is a justified, normal question to ask. Not because I had the same question in my head, but because an engagement and marriage should only happen once. In the normal person’s mind you don’t grow up thinking or imagining a broken engagement or ending a marriage.  So, when you hear that it didn’t work out once, and that it could happen again for a second time, wouldn’t you want to know if the same feelings are there, are they stronger, or are they weaker? The first time should be all that happens, and therefore all that should matter. However, in reality, the fairy tale endings do not always come true. Unless you have experienced the joy in an engagement and then the hurt in ending one, you cannot probably imagine having it happen all over again.

But I do. I can imagine it. And I pray that my time will come, and it will happen all over again for me. But better! 

And this was somewhat my answer to this guy’s original question, will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? Yes and no. Let me explain. 

I was happy the first time. But it was not right. The engagement was [what I believe] to be all a show and an act for my ex fiance. I am also to blame that I answered his proposal with a “yes” when I clearly was not ready. In some defense I always share with people with this story: When you are a little girl, and you imagine someone down on their knee with a ring, and he asks you to marry him, what is the response? It clearly is never “NO.” I was happy in the engagement. For about 3 months. I pray to God when/if my time comes again and someone asks me for their hand in marriage, I will be happy forever. NOT three months. So in that sense, NO I will not be as happy as I was the first time, I will be HAPPIER than the first time. 

What is so good about this experience is that I know now, going into any relationship, that it must be right to begin with. That way, when he is down on his knee, this time I won’t have to think about the answer, I will just know. 

It is such a sad thing. Such a sad experience that I went through, and I hate that someone would ever have to ask me that question: will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? God, I hope I am happier. I know I will be happier. It will be better than the first time because this second time, it will be right. 

There will be no third times, no fourth times. I made a mistake, and it sucked. A lot. But I truly came out of it such a better person. One that knows what true love is NOT and what true love should be.  

My true love.