2 more days

when i was a young girl i remember reading this book. i have no idea what the title was called. i didnt actually read it; my mom or dad read it to me each night. i remember my dad reading it to me more than my mom actually. it was a story that went on for 365 days. each night/day you would read a page of the story and it told the lives/story of a little group of animal friends and their families. 

i looked it up and searched and searched. my parents have no idea what it is that i am talking about. i know this is actually one thing that i am NOT making up from my childhood...sometimes i feel as though i think things that never really happened. i know this to be true. the only thing i could find is this: 

http://www.logan.com/loganberry/most-gilbert.html

AND

http://www.alibris.com/search/books/qwork/8391887/used/A%20Story-A-Day:%20365%20Stories%20&%20Rhymes

But it's not it! the book i was talking about was a continuous story....about a group of animals that lived on a street and were all friends and their story continued each day. it was great. i am so sad that i cannot find it. 

But that is not what i am talking about. i am so sad that i cannot find it online. anyways, the point of this post is this:

i plan on doing the same exact thing. starting on january 1st. i plan to document my 2009 year. however, since i have always wanted to be a writer, i plan to make it [as jimmy buffett would say]: "FICTIONAL FACTS, AND FACTUAL FICTION" 

in other words, what is typed might not all be true, while some of it may be. i am excited about this, as i can finally do something that i have wanted to do with my life. [hopefully] each night, or morning, i will update the story of me, or shall i say, my character. it will be so much fun. i cannot wait. i will post the new blog site for my story. please help me along with this, as i think many of us will be able to relate to this young woman's story.  

happy new year. i am hoping this is the year of Stephanie. i think it's about my time! =) 

my speech

written over a bottle of white wine. "there was not a dry eye in the room." it went something like this. i did improv a bit once i was up there. 

You know the second you asked me to be your maid of honor, i sat down and wrote my speech. i’m sure you are not all that surprised. So, here it all goes:

“Treat your love like a firefly. like it only gets to shine for a little while. catch it in a Mason jar with holes on the top. and then run like hell to show it off.” 

i know you both are not big country fans, but its one of my favorite lyrics. and when i sat down to write this, its the first thing that came to my mind. 

you guys have a love like a firefly’s light--you need to run with it and show it off. you need to show others that true love does exist. run with it. show it off. let everyone know. 

now, for each of you....

kyle, i will start with you, because you are the easy one. you are amazing. i am so happy my sister found you. you are her disco ball to her dance floor; and she is your italian dressing to your cheese cubes. (i will never understand your weird food cravings between that and vanilla frosting right out of the jar.) anyways, you are my sister’s balance. you make her not only a better person, you make her the woman i know she always longed to be. when she is stressed, you calm her down. you see the best in her and it shows. she is happy. not just content. she is perfect with you. you together are harmony.  i really believe she found herself through you. you are the man she always longed to find. and i cannot be happier that she found you. kyle, i am so happy and proud to call you my brother. 

Kristina - i dont even know where to start. im sure by this time as i read this i will be crying, as i am crying while i write it. we have had a long, dramatic, life together. you know this, i know this. mom and dad REALLY know this. kyle knows this. its no secret. but i want you to know how much i love you. as a sister and a friend. it’s a shame i had to wait until your wedding to tell you this. so it’s now or never. you are amazing. you are so strong---just like mom. i look up to you both like you can never imagine. i think throughout our lives together i have envied that about you. [perfect example, i am probably crying now, and you are sitting there straight faced and serious. i am weak, you are strong.] you are everything i am not. and it’s that about you which i absolutely love. i am so happy that you found your true love, kyle. you have no idea how happy i am for you both. i am truly honored that you gave in and asked me to be your maid of honor. i know it sounds cheesy, but this has been one of my childhood dreams - to be my older sister’s maid of honor. to help you with your dress, to be up here tonight. to be your right-hand-man, or woman--on this most special day in your life, i could not ask for anything more. I am so proud of you--for everything you have accomplished in your life. for doing things on your own, for taking risks, for believing in me and always being honest--even when the truth hurts. i can always count on you. for 26 years of my life you have been there for me. whether its pushing me off my bike, fighting over something stupid, whatever.  you are and always will be-- my sister, and my friend. 

let us raise our glasses - - -

To you both, continue to bring out the best in each other. continue to be yourselves. continue to love. just continue. forever. 

May your light shine longer than any firefly. may that same light shine forever between the two of you. and may others look to your light, your love, as the perfect example. 

I love you both. Congratulations.

something else i wrote a few weeks ago

i cannot sleep. its late for me--almost ten on a week night. yet, my brain is being over taken by these thoughts. thoughts of the past. its been a week now since i talked to you. before that it had been about 2 years. your voice was the same. your stubborn attitude. your monotone, laid-back, relaxed responses. still kills me. for years now it’s always been you. you are all i think about. and i know i am the last girl, the last person, the last one you think about. i feel this...thing...this feeling...this spark that is still there. and i know, deep down inside that you still do think about me...even if it is just now and then. once a year. when you hear my favorite cheese. i know. and i tell myself i cannot wait forever. but i think i will. until someone else walks into my life that i dont actually compare to you. 

there is someone who loves me more than his own life. someone who would and who does absolutely anything and everything for me. yet i just cannot get myself to feel the same way about him. its sad really. in all honesty. that there is a person out there who feels that much love towards someone. towards me. and that i can not give it back to him. its depressing. its a tragedy really. a true and complete tragedy. 

one of the last things you told me was to let go of my emotional ties and that its time to move on. thanks ass hole as if i dont know that already. and by the way, im working on it. i am practicing each night before i go to bed. asking the Lord to give me strength to move on. so far He has not shown me the light completely, but i know He will. I am beginning to truly leave my hope and faith in Him. something you would never approve of, im sure. something you would never believe in. something i would never have gotten to know if i was still with you. but something that is now within me. and something that no one can take away from me. 

monday night 9:50 - 10:27 dec 1 2008

scary

sometimes i write on my computer and then save it just because i am not connected to the internet to post right away. i was just looking through my files, and found an entry titled "scary one." i almost posted it, but then i read it. i am messed up. that is all i have to say. i could not believe that i wrote what i wrote. maybe one day if i get the nerve i will post it. but until then, it is my dirty little secret. weird. freaked myself out. 

it's been a while since i wrote on this. a lot has happened. my past is catching up with me. 

haha, im so annoyed at myself

my blog is so boring. all i ever do is quote song lyrics. i need to stop. 

sometimes, the songs just make so much sense. they say exactly what i want to say. but just cant. 

scared

i found this while i was at home. and i thought it was worthy. i have been meaning to type it up on here. i have no idea when i wrote this, nor for that matter who it was about. but i read this, closed my eyes, and realized that most of can relate to this situation at one time or another in our lives. 

that one time when you are awake. and the person next to you was asleep. you just want to reach out and touch them. but you are afraid. you dont want to wake that person. and if they do wake up, what will they think.....can anyone else relate?

lying next to you

i want to reach out

touch you

im scared

im wide awake

you 

asleep 

by my side

next to me

in my territory

my hands

on your chest

my arm 

on top of yours

i cannot do it

my hand 

wrapped up 

in your fingers

a simple squeeze

i hope you can 

feel it

i wish 

i could

do it

easily

without thinking

i reach out

pull back

once more

still cannot do it

go to sleep 

angry

with myself

still scared

will you ever know

cried again

http://staroftheseabreezes.blogspot.com/

My New Love

Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz

You’ve got the best of both worlds
You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man then lift him back up again
You are strong but you’re needed, humble but you’re greeted
And based on your body language and shotty cursive I’ve been reading
You’re style is quite selective though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don’t mind my nerve you can call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they’re quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
There’s no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these words
I’m paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging

But it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blames
And the kind and courteous is a life I’ve heard
But it’s nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are
Here we are

We're still here

And it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words and priceless pictures
We’ll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today, oh the wait was so worth it

Here we are

Aug 18 entry

Movies with Mom

Midnight - Aug 18

I went with my mom tonight to see the movie “Mama Mia.” She cried when Donna is helping Sophie get ready for her wedding, and she sings “Slipping Through My Fingers.” I could not help but think that mom had her and my older sister in mind while watching that scene. 

I expect she did, especially if I was thinking the same thing. 

My sister’s wedding is coming up in December and I know my mom does not sleep at night thinking about it. She has told me. Multiple times. 

It’s totally understandable that she begins to get sad when imagining her oldest daughter moving on and getting married. I am sure there is some envy towards the young love, the whole “life ahead of them” feeling. Especially since my parents have nothing close to the idea marriage. They are not divorced, but sometimes we all agree that they should be. It’s sad really. It’s really, really sad in all actuality. I hate just thinking about it. How sad they must be.

Part of me, and it’s the selfish part of me, wonders if she will cry when my time comes. When I get married and move on to the young, endless, happy love. I’m sure she will. But it’s going to be the second-time-around-feeling. Won’t it?

My mom and I have a different relationship than hers with my sister. They are both a lot alike, and well, she was her first child. My mom has known her the longest, etc. I’m not jealous of it, I guess maybe I am a little. We just are not like they are. It’s just different. 

On a different note, this one particular sentence really makes me stop and think about a conversation I just had the other night: But it’s going to be the second-time-around-feeling. Won’t it? I was asked if when/if I ever get proposed to again, will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? [My question to myself is, was I happy the first time? And clearly my answer is no.]

At first I was kind of taken aback by the person who asked me this. We barely know each other, and I was shocked [yet a bit impressed] that he had the guts to just come right out and ask me such a personal question. I can completely see where he was coming from, and why he was curious. Ironically, my ex fiance had already been married before me [sensing a bad pattern in his life yet?] and I asked him if proposing and getting married again would be as special and meaningful as the first time. Or, would it just be a “going with the flow,” “doing this once again” feeling? So, I understand where his question came from.

My answer: First of all, the strong curiosity of knowing the answer to this question might stem from something people cannot imagine unless they have experienced it. Hence, myself wondering the same thing from my ex fiance before we were even engaged. I believe it is a justified, normal question to ask. Not because I had the same question in my head, but because an engagement and marriage should only happen once. In the normal person’s mind you don’t grow up thinking or imagining a broken engagement or ending a marriage.  So, when you hear that it didn’t work out once, and that it could happen again for a second time, wouldn’t you want to know if the same feelings are there, are they stronger, or are they weaker? The first time should be all that happens, and therefore all that should matter. However, in reality, the fairy tale endings do not always come true. Unless you have experienced the joy in an engagement and then the hurt in ending one, you cannot probably imagine having it happen all over again.

But I do. I can imagine it. And I pray that my time will come, and it will happen all over again for me. But better! 

And this was somewhat my answer to this guy’s original question, will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? Yes and no. Let me explain. 

I was happy the first time. But it was not right. The engagement was [what I believe] to be all a show and an act for my ex fiance. I am also to blame that I answered his proposal with a “yes” when I clearly was not ready. In some defense I always share with people with this story: When you are a little girl, and you imagine someone down on their knee with a ring, and he asks you to marry him, what is the response? It clearly is never “NO.” I was happy in the engagement. For about 3 months. I pray to God when/if my time comes again and someone asks me for their hand in marriage, I will be happy forever. NOT three months. So in that sense, NO I will not be as happy as I was the first time, I will be HAPPIER than the first time. 

What is so good about this experience is that I know now, going into any relationship, that it must be right to begin with. That way, when he is down on his knee, this time I won’t have to think about the answer, I will just know. 

It is such a sad thing. Such a sad experience that I went through, and I hate that someone would ever have to ask me that question: will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? God, I hope I am happier. I know I will be happier. It will be better than the first time because this second time, it will be right. 

There will be no third times, no fourth times. I made a mistake, and it sucked. A lot. But I truly came out of it such a better person. One that knows what true love is NOT and what true love should be.  

My true love. 

My new favs

http://www.myspace.com/kateisenbergmusic

http://www.myspace.com/treva

Treva's song "Home" says exactly how I feel about going home. Probably driving home tonight. 

It's getting late on the interstate and I'm racing the setting sun
Another long day and I can hardly wait for the race to finally be done
The road is long that I travel on

Home feels so far away - I'd go but I know I can't stay
It's too far to drive tonight, too late to fly, so I pray
I pray for a strong steady hand and a soft place to land

A purple sky tries to lullaby eyes so tired, so heavy, so worn
On the right side a steady white line on a road so dark and cold
I'm holding on for the morning dawn

Home feels so far away - I'd go but I know I can't stay
It's too far to drive tonight, too late to fly, so I pray
I pray for a strong steady hand - and a soft place to land

You're Cheering Me Up and I'm Thanking You. Old Buffalo.

So it goes
The ordinary people they do not know
Who we are
Or what we're doing here
I want you to pick up the phone
And hum the dial tone
You see we should start
From the top
And look at what we've got

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you

So it goes
The ordinary people they do not know
Who we are
Or what we're doing here
I want you to pick up the phone
And hum the dial tone
You see we should start from the top
And look at what we've got

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two

You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
Guess what you are cheering me
up and I'm thanking you

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you

Wishing. Sugarland.

I know I know...What's the point of posting entries that just list the lyrics of songs? Well, usually I do it because I am listening to that song at the time, and it really just touches home, hits me in the heart. Tonight, it happened to be Sugarland's latest album. Three songs really reminded me of a situation going on in my life as I write this, right NOW. Some of the lyrics relate to me, and how I feel at the moment.  The others, I think shed light on the same situation from the other person's perspective. 

Sometimes it's a pair of 
Old faded denim, I know 
Is gonna fit me like a friend 
Or some radio song 
You can't help but sing along 
Wishing they'd spin it over and over again 
Could the windows down on a Sunday drive 
Smelling rain on a summer night 
Anything that brings a little more comfort my way 

But sometimes 
There's those times 
Its gotta be you 
I keep telling myself I'm moving on 
But I'm stumbling 
Believing my heart was strong enough 
And now I'm wondering 
But every step that I take that leads me away 
Just circles back to your door 
Wishing I didn't love you anymore 

I've tried turning to 
The arms of someone new 
But I can't seem to fool this fool 
I've seen closing times 
With every bottle dry 
I've seen days alone in my own room 
I'll ask God and magazines 
Stacks of books and movie screens 
Anything to bring a little more comfort my way 

But sometimes 
There's those times 
Its gotta be you 
I keep telling myself I'm moving on 
But I'm stumbling 
Believing my heart was strong enough 
And now I'm wondering 
But every step that I take that leads me away 
Just circles back to your door 
Wishing I didn't love you anymore, of you 
Give me More 

I've done everything that I came to forget 
If there is a way I ain't found it yet 

I keep telling myself I'm moving on 
Believing my heart was strong 
But every step that I take that leads me away 
Just circles back to your door 
Wishing I didn't love you 
What I'd give if I could touch you 
Wishing I didn't love you anymore

Raindrops = Lullabies

I wish it would rain. There is something about a soft rain on a cool night that puts me to sleep as if I were never going to wake up. Not death...just dream forever. I wish it would rain. The grass needs it as much as I do tonight.

What I'd Give. Sugarland

What I'd give to bring you flowers. 
What I'd give to get you alone. 
What I'd give to bring a smile across your face. 
What I'd give to take you home. 
What I'd give to make you coffee. 
Find out how you like your eggs. 
Wrapped around you in the mornin'. 
A tangled lace of arms and legs. 

What I'd give to let you love me. 
Find out everything that brings you joy. 
Wake up to your face above me. 
I'd be that girl and you could be that boy. 
Find out why that feelin' is... 
Oh, what I'd give. What I'd give. 

What I'd give to take you dancin'. 
What I'd give to make you mine. 
If you got questions, I got answers. 
And my answer's "yes" to you every time. 
What I'd give for just one minute. 
What I'd give to count all the ways 
If your heart was dark with nothing in it. 
I'd give you mine and take your place. 

What I'd give to let you love me. 
Find out everything that brings you joy. 
Wake up to your face above me. 
I'd be that girl and you could be that boy. 
Find out why that feelin' is... 
Oh, what I'd give. What I'd give. 

Keep You. Sugarland.

We said goodbye, tried her hand at magic
We couldn't make us disappear
Not a day goes by, I don't wish I had you
So run away, I'm glad you're still here

It's a bitter sweet victory
Lovin' the ghost in front of me

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide

What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you
From doin' this to me?

I wrote a couple of notes
One in love, one in anger
They're lyin' there
Dyin' in the dresser drawer

Lived louder than my voice
Struggled through a stranger
He loved me
Till I loved you even more

It's a bitter sweet victory
Lovin' someone else who wanted me

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide
You get used to the pain and numb to the sting
Till you can't feel anything

You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it
As if your words were my tears
Flowin' freely, warm and quiet
From the edges of my eyes and my ears
Then all that disappears

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide
Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide

What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you
From doin' this to me?

I am here again.

Im here, at “the spot,” which I think I can officially call “my” spot now. --The viewing area at the airport. The sun is setting on another day, yet I am not really excited about it. It’s chilly out and I forgot to bring a sweat shirt. I probably won’t stay long, but I had to get my mind off things. I could not just sit at home and wait for a phone call. One that I know I will never get. 

I am dealing with some issues of my own these days---aren’t I always. It’s my issue of being alone. I don’t want someone just to be with someone, I want the real someone. Time and time again I think I have found that someone, and it usually just leads to heartbreak. It’s usually me--the one who breaks things off. However, I realize that I usually always have someone in my life. Why? Maybe it stems from something in my childhood, maybe it stems from my low self esteem. Who knows? I wish I did. Someone told me just the other night what I have been saying for years now...how can I expect someone to really love me; if I cannot seem to love myself? But, what if I do love myself---when I am with someone? Then it’s a catch 22. I cannot win either way.  

Everyone keeps telling me to move on, I need to be alone for a while. To find the real me (Because once I find the real me, all my troubles will disappear, right?). How am I supposed to know what the real me is? What if the real me is being with someone? I admit I can be alone. I can handle myself. I am capable of doing it all on my own. But I don’t like it. And I am done being desperate. But just when you think you found the one, either: 1. I break it off, 2. they do not feel the same way about me, or 3. it just goes under. 

But I will also admit, I don’t like being alone.  I don’t need someone there for me in my life, but I want someone there. I am done being desperate. He needs to come find me. Everyone says “you’re looking too hard” and “it will happen when you least expect it.” Ok, that’s fine. But I wish God could speed up that process. =)

I’m done looking. I am declaring that right here, right now. I AM DONE LOOKING FOR LOVE. I guess I will just suck it up, get used to be alone, and let love find me. 

For now, it’s just me and the dog.   

Is it a problem....

that I tend to usually cry at church? I went to church this morning, and once again, I began to get all teary-eyed. I cannot pin point what it is that gets to me. Nor, can I figure out what it is I cry over. I just do. I think it might just be the Holy Spirit working within me--being proud that I have come. 

Many people have told me that sometimes while being in church, you will feel as though the message is being directed straight to you. Today was one of those days, one of those messages. 

What I got out of today's message:

1. The letters EP have a new meaning for me. 

2. "Whatever you do, do it in the name of Christ, do it in the reputation of Christ." - This means really taking a long, hard, look at myself and my actions. Do I do the things I do, with Christ in mind? No. Not always. Probably hardly ever. That is something I really need to work on and change. Not only in my mind; internally, but also through my behavior; externally. In relationships. 

3. I need to rid myself of anger, slander, rage, and malice. This is something that comes so easily and is often hidden in a disguise--sometimes of laughter, sometimes in plain conversation. What good is it? None. 

4. "To set my sights higher and live with more victory over sin, I need to...???" I could not come up with a decent answer to this question right away. But then I did: "accept myself." To set my sights higher and live with more victory over sin, I need to accept me for who I am. It is told to me time and time again, that I, we all are, God's masterpieces. Yet, it is so hard for me to believe that about myself. I see so many things that are wrong with me. I see the devil working his way into my life, into my mind, that makes me think these things. I am trying to overcome it, but it is hard. For so long the devil has had his way with me...thinking I am less than what I am, making me see others and wanting to be like them, wanting to be better. I need to stop. Simply stop. I am me. I am the way I am because God created me this way. I need to learn that who I am is ok. I'm getting there...slowly, but surely. 

5. These next two are the hardest ones to admit. "Who I am is seen by my responses in relationships." and "Who I am is seen by my responses to His Lordship." I am going to wait until another day to respond to the relationship issue...because that is a huge issue for me.         --->"Who I am is seen by my responses to His Lordship." Well then, I have a lot of work to do, let's just put it that way. But, I am working on making those responses mean more and reflect the person who I want to become....the person I know I am...the person I just need to find. 

6. My progress on this journey is coming along great. I have seen the Lord working in my life, and I have watched Him work in the lives of others around me. I have begun to watch what I say more, I have begun to look ahead more--in the long run, I have begun to take notice of how I interact and treat others. I have stepped back, slowed down, turned off the tv more often, and sometimes I just sit. Sit and think. And really reflect. On myself. And while I have been dealing with the bluntness of not liking who I am/was, it brings me joy to see that I can go forward. God will forgive me. It's not that I have been a horrible person, but maybe at times I have. I have not treated others fairly, I have lied, I have envied, I have wanted, I have given in too easily, I have not tried hard enough, I have tried too hard. But with all of these realizations, comes the hope and excitement of changing. Changing my ways, changing my actions, changing my thoughts. And for that, I am excited! 

7. The "Since--Then" theory. We all think it..."Since he didn't call me, then I must have said something to scare him off." "Since he doesn't like me, then I must be fat." "Since I didn't get the job, then I must not be good enough." "Since he cheated on me, then I must have been a bad girlfriend/fiance." "Since I didn't win, then I must suck at everything." We all need to change the way we think. God has a plan. For each one of us. And whether we like it or not, it's there, His plan is there for us.  The theory needs to change into something like this: "Since [whatever], then it was not mean to be/then God has something better for me/then it was not His plan."

All of this is so much easier said than done. 

why

cool nights

breezes outside

blow the scent in

and pass me

she whispers

coolness, still

why

you are alone

stars, not many

others invisible

big dipper above

pointing the way

looking at me

wondering 

why 

you are alone

crickets hum 

their songs

toads speak

their language 

of love

wanting

why

you are alone

favorite song...so sappy...so overplayed now. so sad about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqRcobkdnos&feature=related

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
Loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I feel of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Sing sha la la la
Sing sha la la la la

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

It's all wrong, it's all wrong
It's all wrong, it's so right
So come on, get higher
So come on and get higher
'Cause everything works, love
Everything works when you're on 

overlooked

things are so overlooked.  i have such a great life. my family is healthy. im healthy. maybe i havent found happiness yet, but thats ok. i will. someday. i hope.

and yet, someone i dont even know, i cry about.  (http://staroftheseabreezes.blogspot.com/)

its not fair to be a widow at 28. ever. but im so sad. this guy, is so positive, so "ok" it seems. even though his wife just went to spend eternity with the Lord. i envy his strength and his outlook. i wish i could be like that.

im not that sad in reality. i truly believe that God called her home. He knew how amazing she was, and she worked her way into the lives of others. He knew she did her work, He called her home. Yet, its sad to think about. Why does He take the good ones? The ones who need to stay on this earth to help more?

I remember coming home to my dorm freshman year, and there was  huge yellow squirrel on my door. "love your pledge mom, Alison." she was amazing. and i can only think that i was a pledge mom to two girls, who both ended up leaving AGD. what does that say about me? She was my pledge mom, and i ended up being president. 

i remember once i thought i had "wake" duty. i took a bunch of sleeping pills so i would fall asleep early and got a ride to the house. i went there, went up to ali's room, and she was so confused as to why i was there. 

i had the wrong night. she laughed at me. 

i do remember doing wake with her. it was so pointless at the time, but yet, she was there with me. i do remember that. 

she is with the Lord. Im not sad. I cannot be. God had this planned out since before she was in the womb. Maybe i dont understand it. i dont get it. but what i do know is that she did her job here on this earth. she spread His word. she made others believe. 

She is with Him, and we are not. Yet. We can only be somewhat jealous, right? jealousy is a sin. but how can we NOT envy her place? 

Tom

my pledge mom died on tuesday. i havent really cried much. not until now. when i read her husband's blog. afterwards. after she was gone. i cried.  a lot. 

AUGUST 08, 2008

Things I Never Wanted To Know

1) Everyone looks at you like you have the bubonic plague. And "widower" written across the forehead. They simply do not know what to say. I am really okay though, and wish humor would return. I need to print off a list of funny one-line or two jokes so I can break the ice better.

2) No one knows which way you'll feel. Do you want help, company, solitude? Even I don't know until I let my shoulders hang and put out my antennas to try and feel something.

3) Hunger stops. I've been getting headaches, stomach aches, etc, and wondering why until I realize that it's 2:47 and I haven't had as much as a sip of water.

4) Implied tasks get overlooked. This morning I left the water running. Yesterday I burnt the toast. Twice.

5) How the services and calling are arranged. All the tasks I never thought of.

ha, what love is....

someone once told me that i needed to listen to this song...its really retro, but says a lot. 

Was it more than attraction and a physical lust?
Her loins, my imagination, that first inconceivable touch,
That I was planning, er, I mean wishing, uh..
How embarassed I’d been if you knew what I was thinking of. 

And whoa, when it started, my first thought was love,
Not just lust, because when I heard you speak, I felt warm.
In the evening I saw you, you were warming the bass up.
Your hair covered your face up,
I was acting indifferent at the merch booth, putting on makeup.

We met up at a party in a swamp on a yacht.
I spun the helm, but we were docked.

I crossed my fingers, but I didn’t beg, no ,
Cause I knew you knew,
Cause I knew you knew I liked you.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it,
But I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance with you.
I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance with you.

Close to you, wishing we’re conjoined at the tongue.
Can you hear me thinking? I should stop...

I crossed my fingers, but I didn’t beg,
Cause I knew you knew,
Cause I knew you knew I liked you.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it,
But I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it,
But I figured desperate guys, 
Never had a chance with you.

I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance with you.
I knew that desperate guys,
Would never have a chance with you.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.

Watching Airplanes

Just like 

the song says...I’m just sittin down here watching airplanes...take off and fly. Tryin to figure out which one you might be on....and why you don’t love me anymore. 

A friend of mine showed me this place. I like to call it “our place” because we have been out here a few times together just to think, vent, and watch the planes. I know we both come out here sometimes alone to think and to just be. He doesn’t know it, but I have come out here more than once, lately to pray. But, I don’t really have the right to call it “ours.” It’s really just his. He showed it to me and told me about it. I feel guilty as if I am stealing his special place from him. Yet, I know he is at work tonight, [ha], so for tonight, I will call it all mine. Tonight, it’s mine. All mine.

It’s this place right outside of the GR Airport, called “The Viewing Area.” It is amazing. You just sit down on the hill or on a picnic table and literally watch the airplanes take off, fly, and land. What’s even better about it is that the sun sets right in the west, above the runway. It is simply gorgeous. I came out here tonight because I felt guilty sitting at home in front of the tv when it is the most perfect night. Ironically, I have had about four people call me and I just decided to put my phone on silent. I don’t want to share tonight with anyone but Phoenix. (Who is laying on the table right next to me, her back completely turned from the runway, more excited to watch the cars and people pulling in and out of the “Area.” ) She was inside all day and so when I came home we went for a 2 mile walk/run around the track, and then I took her out here. I like to think of it as a “doggy date” with my pup. Usually I would be sad and mourning in my sorrow for being alone and not having anyone here with me to share this with. But not tonight. 

People always write about the sun and sun sets, that I feel like whatever I write will not even begin to give others justice. But what I see tonight cannot go without words. The sun is a huge orange glowing hanging ball. Clouds around it  so that you can just see the top of it with specks in between the clouds. As I write, it’s setting faster and faster as if it knows I wanted to leave at nine o’clock--it’s drifting quicker so that when I leave, I won’t feel as much guilt for deserting it on this night. It is now a shade of pink and it’s resting on top of whatever building is in the distance. My dog blocks my view and she anxiously awaits for this worthless piece of writing to end. The air is filled with the chain rattling around her neck, birds - one of which is a yellow gold-finch resting on top of the 20ft fence around the runway. No crickets or frogs just yet. Only the sound of the humming tower behind me. I think it is used for the local weather station. 

The sun is 1/2 behind the building, and its color has changed to a deep hot magenta, neon pink. The more I look that way, into the west, the more bright spots I see in my eyes.  The clouds’ tips are highlighted by a silver sun glow from the setting sun. It makes the rest of the sky in the west a pallet of pastels. It almost looks like a rainbow within the clouds. 

The sun is gone. All that is left is a building in the distance with broken clouds around it. Specks of sunshine, glowing neon orange between the purple-blue sky. 

Magnificent. 

My Journey Begins....

So tonight I finally realized that this journey of mine has officially begun. Christ is showing Himself to me in a million ways. All of these things have happened to me within the past month! 

(I plan on writing more in depth about each of these, but for now I just need to make a note to myself so I remember what they all are!)

1. Phoenix / dogs

2. Old friend David on Facebook

3. Stacy at SHAPE / mountain vs. valley / Sunday service

4. Kathy W. - spiritual friend

5. SHAPE / Sandy / networks with others

6. Jo Dobson / TK

7. Luann Snider

8. Alison / Alpha Gams

9. Boyfriends

10. My calling / purpose

I cannot wait to write more about this! 

Tuesday

Ok, whew! What a depressing mess I have been. I figured I really need to start using this page as a way to share my happiness and other good things in my life. Not to say that I am the happiest person ever, and looking at some of my past blog entries, I realize that I really needed to take a good, long, look at myself. That's where this and church comes in. I am so glad I started going to church. However, the past few years were extremely rough for me. They were hard. I won't lie. I only hope I can go forward and not wallow in the past. I am beginning to learn a lot about myself, the consequences of some of my choices, and those results. I am anxious to move forward, meet new people, and start getting to know my faith and blessings better. 

story of my life.....

He left me cryin' late one Sunday night outside of Boulder
He said he had to find himself out on the road
I guess when love goes wrong
You've gotta learn to be strong

So I worked two jobs and I moved three times
I ended up south of Memphis workin' down in Riverside
I may not be so lucky in love
But the one thing I'm sure of

I want a man that stands beside me
Not in front of or behind me
Give me two arms that want to hold me not own me
And I'll give all the love in my heart
Stand beside me
Be true don't tell lies to me
I'm not lookin' for a fantasy
I want a man that who stands beside me

i gave into alcohol tonight. not doing so well.   =(

Dear God:

When I fall down, I need a helping hand.
And when I lose my head, it's cause it's always buried in the sand.
When I get stuck on myself, feelin' sorry for myself.
Will you help me grab a hold and please don't patrionize my soul.
When I start to lose control, when I get irrational, when I start to get too high,
you see me come floating by, I say

Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
Touch me in the morning sun, show me what is possible.
Touch me in the morning sun when I feel impossible, show me what is possible.
Teach me love invisible, Teach me love invincible, Teach me love invincible,
Teach me love invincible.

When youre down, you need a helping hand.
And when you lose your head, I'll help you wash away the sand.
And when you get stuck on yourself, feelin' sorry for yourself.
I will help you grab a hold and I won't patrionize your soul.
When you start to lose control, when you get irrational, when you start to get too high,
I see you come floating by, I say
Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
Touch me in the morning sun, show me what is possible.
Touch me in the morning sun when I feel impossible, 
show me what is possible.
Teach me love invincible, Teach me love invincible
When we're down, we need a helping hand.
And when we lose our heads, it's cause they're always buried in the sand.
But when we get stuck on our selves, feelin' sorry for our selves.
Will you help us grab a hold and please don't patrionize our souls.
When we start to lose control, when we get irrational, when we start to get too high,
You see us come floating by, I say,

Touch us with the morning sun, when we feel impossible.
Touch us with the morning sun, show us what is possible.
Touch us in the morning sun when we feel impossible, show us what is possible.
Teach us love invinsible, teach us love invisible

Teach us love invinsible, hold us love invincible, share us love invinsible,
be us love invinsible, help us love invisible, touch us love invinsible,
breathe us love invinsible, sing it love invisible.

Life is Beautiful

Keb' Mo'

Lets go driftin through the trees

Let's go sailing on the sea
Let's go dancing on the juke-join floor
And leave our troubles all behind, have a party

So easily forgotten, are the most important things
Like the melody and the moonlight in your eyes
And a song that lasts forever
Each song getting better all the time

Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright

I get crazy, so afraid
That I might lose you some fine day
And I'll be nothing but a tired old man
And I don't wanna be without you at the party

So easily forgotten, the most important thing
Is that I love you - I do
And I want to spend my days and nights
Walking through this crazy world with you

Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright

So easily forgotten, the most important thing
Is that I love you - I do
And I want to spend my days and nights
Walking through this crazy world with you
(that's right baby)

Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright
Shining Bright

questions, things i am wondering about, things i learned tonight

1. when we put ourselves down, it is like a slap in the face to God. He made us each a masterpiece. We need to love and respect that. We are who we are because He made us that way. I need to really learn to accept that. I always think, why me? I am nothing special. who cares? But I realize that I need to work on accepting myself. Then  it could be easier to accept Him. 

2. I am neither inferior or superior to anyone else. God each made us a separate masterpiece. 

3. Success is doing what He made us to do. whatever that may be. I need to figure it out and be successful in that.

4. MY gifts are for OTHERS. Whatever my gifts, talents, abilities are; He gave them to me to serve others.

5. I need interdependence in my life. It is ok to NEED someone and for that person to need ME in order to live His way.  I dont "need" anyone in my life to survive. I can get by. But it is ok to WANT someone there for you. And it is ok to NEED someone there to help lift me up and make me a better person. 

I went to a church group tonight....

and i came home, and i forgot that i gave up alcohol. 

anyways, it [this church group called SHAPE - to begin your journey toward Christ] really opened my eyes to so much lately. maybe it will sound like i am preaching, but i am ok with that. maybe this journey of mine will inspire or motivate others. here is a facebook message/conversation i had tonight with someone whom i have not spoken with in years. he truly is an inspiration as he is 27 years old and survived a brain stroke. He told me tonight [not even having a conversation about God] that God only gave him what he could handle, and that God is not done with him, and that he will recover and move on. What an inspiration. Here is my response to Dave, my friend:

hey, sorry. my mom called me. my sister is getting married and we are doing so much planning for it. we were figuring out our flight info. (wedding is in florida where she lives.) i apologize to just leave you hanging. anyways, i totally agree with you about God having his plan and only giving us what we can handle. i feel bad when i get mad and stressed and cry about stuff, when i know He will see me through it all. I just started this whole journey and like i said, it is scary doing it all alone. but i have faith that He will guide me to have more acceptance. I swear though, it is so weird....like all of a sudden, since I started this journey, He has popped up in the most random places. And tonight was one of them...talking to you totally out of the blue and just you saying that about Him...kind of freaked me out. He is showing Himself to me in the oddest of places like he is hinting to me. It's fun at the same time. Im always wondering, "whats next?" Anyways, enough of me preaching. sorry. it was so good to talk to you and catch up. I'll pray for your recovery! keep in touch! Steph =)

how amazing is He? He is truly showing Himself to me in the strangest of places. I think I will start using this blog as a way to show others what I go through on this journey to gain a clearer and closer personal relationship with God. I can see His work in others and I feel like He does have a purpose for me in this life here on Earth. I just need to find that purpose. And it needs to begin with finding myself. 

I am excited!

Michael Franti

My new obsession. 

Pandora

it's my new favorite thing in the entire world. 

http://pandora.com

im in a mood that i dont think i have ever been in before--at least not in a long time. i cant even describe it in words.  i gave up alcohol. so maybe what i am experiencing is "real". and not some falsified feeling that the chemicals in the wine i usually have give me. 

it sucks actually.  im dying for a drink to forget about life for a while. 

sadness

i simply hate being sad. its even worse when you are sad and you dont even know why. or what about when you DO know why, and there is nothing you can do to make it stop? i also hate mosquito bites. 

On Love, In Sadness Lyrics
by Jason Mraz & Jenny Keene

Sing about that oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
Not falsified to say that I found God so 
Inevitably well it still exists. 
Pale and fine I can't dismiss 
And I won't resist and if I die well, at least I tried

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, rust and the rain endure.
The rust and the rain so thin
Well I'm in like Flynn again
(I'm in)

So go on place your order now cause some other time is right around the clock
You can stand in line well it finally begins oh just around the block
You can have your pick if your stomach is sick whether you eat or not
And there is just one thing that I almost forgot

Oh, see, you and me, we lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, the rivers unwind so easy
Oh, these are the comforts that be

You see, well, I'm feeling lucky oh well, maybe that's just me
Well you'd be(so)proud of me oh well, if you could only see
How we're gonna grow on up to be, 
Ah yes we are thick as thieves 

Sing about that oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
It's not falsified to say that I found God so 
Inevitably, well it still exists so pale and fine I can't dismiss 
And I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind and the rust and the rain endure
The rust and the rain endure, I'm sure. 

Because I'm insofar to know the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be-
Insofar to know, the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be-
Insofar to know, the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be lost on me

Oh not tonight, said love will never ever be lost on me.
(Love will...) never ever be lost on me
(Love) will not be
Love will never be lost on me
Love...will...not...be...lost..on...me.

Lyrics

I truly think I have been genuinely been in love--true love, the real thing, LOVE, with three people in my life. I deleted all three of their numbers in my phone tonight.

RASCAL FLATTS LYRICS - WINNER AT A LOSING GAME LYRICS

Baby, look here at me
Have you ever seen me this way
I’ve been fumbling for words
Through the tears and the hurt and the pain
I’m gonna lay it all out
On the line tonight
And I think that it’s time
To tell this uphill fight goodbye

Have you ever had to love someone
That just don’t feel the same
Tryin’ to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin’ to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game

I know that baby, you tried
To find me somewhere inside of you
But you know you can’t lie
Girl, you can’t hide the truth
Sometimes two hearts
Just can’t dance to the same beat
So I’ll pack up my things
And I’ll take what remains of me

Have you ever had to love someone
That just don’t feel the same
Tryin’ to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin’ to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game

I know that I’ll never be the man that you need
or love
Yeah baby, it’s killin’ me to stand here and see
I’m not what you’ve been dreamin’ of

Have you ever had to love someone
That just don’t feel the same
Tryin’ to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin’ to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game

Oh, oh, if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game
Ooo, I’m tired of losing
Oh oh ooh

Email that I Wrote Tonight....

Hi ladies!

How is your summer going? Hope it's going well! I just got back from San Antonio and I had so much fun at the Alpha Gamma Delta Convention! I cannot wait to get started advising the chapter at Central Michigan! I learned a lot and am excited to get back into my roots of the sorority life. I just realized why it was I joined that sorority and the impact I can have on other young women. Thanks to those of you who donated to the walk I participated in. I tried running most of it, but a night of karaoke + 90 degree weather at 6am that morning prevented me from running all of it. I have pictures! Oh, and....I ended up winning a huge Williams Sonoma kitchen gift set from raising over $300!!!!! Not my $1000 goal, but still awesome. Overall, together everyone raised $24,000 for American Diabetes Association! How cool!!!!!

On another note, I need some prayers:

(Some of you know this story....) My uncle passed away yesterday. He was an awesome man who lived a looooooong life. It was expected and I know God called him home to finally be with his family. He lived in Hungary during the Communist Revolution, and when he was about 8 years old, he came home from school and his house had been bombed. He found his parents and siblings in the house. Everyone was dead. He grew up with his cousins and came to the US where he met my aunt, and fell in love with her the instant he saw her. When she was sent to a nunnery (she was wild!) he wrote her love letters every single day! The last time I saw him, we sat around the dining room table and he could tell me to this day what she wore the first time they met at a "Hungarian Dance." He was the ideal man. I hope someday I can find someone who is that in love with me. Better yet, I hope someday that feeling is mutual. It was his time, but my aunt is so upset, as anyone would be. He was her life. Please pray for her, as we all know Uncle Alex is in a better place. My Aunt Judy is here without the love of her life.

Me. I am a mess. Ha. I hate writing mass emails like this that are all sappy and stuff, but sometimes I think I was brought to Michigan if not for anything else, than to meet great amazing ladies like you who make a huge impact on my life. It upsets me that I cannot talk to my mom about this. She has enough on her plate with my brother, dad, and planning for my sisters wedding back home. The last thing she needs is her middle child having a quarter-life crisis and breaking down. Oops, now I realize you all have the same issues! Sorry...I'll go on anyways....I cannot talk to my parents, as I feel like I do so much to try to impress them, even though they have no idea what all I do. Explaining this to them would just make them feel like they messed up,or make me feel like I am upsetting them. Whichever, I will not talk to my parents about this.

First of all, I am desperate for love. ha...I know I cannot rush it. I know my time will come. I need to give it time. I think I did the first step to moving out of living in the past. I deleted all the numbers of guys in my phone who I have had some connection with and who have brought me down in some way. I know this one guy who is just simply amazing. He loves me. I wish I felt the same way. I know EXACTLY what it is like to be in love with someone and not have that same feeling back towards you. It sucks. And you just wish it could be reciprocated. But how can you force something? I had a great talk tonight with a good friend. He really got to me tonight. He really opened up to me and tried to get me to talk, but when things got really serious in our conversation, and I began to cry (well just tear up), I just got up and left. PROBLEMS. When Im scared, I just run. Avoid it totally. Crying, to me, is a sign of weakness, and I try not to let people see me cry. I want to be strong.

I cannot fall back into the same pattern of always having someone there for me. I need to take it slow and I need to take time for myself. I got all sappy and began to cry, and told him I had to go and just left. Ha. ooops!

I am just so sick of everyone else being so happy in love. I am so jealous of all of you and your relationships. But when my time comes, I just want it to be RIGHT. I just want that feeling of just "knowing its right." If I am tied down, who knows if I will ever find it???

I have been going to church and even an "age group" meeting on Tuesdays, and finding out that I am having the hardest time with the three following things: believing, forgiving, and accepting the truth. Believing in God, Forgiving XXXX and myself for whatever I did to mess up that relationship, Accepting the truth that its ok to mess up and make mistakes and accepting the truth of how things are. But I think I need more than church. I cannot seem to find peace.

What makes me the happiest is doing things for other people. Not myself. To me, that is being selfish, but I dont think that I am truly happy. And I enjoy making others happy. But if I cannot make myself happy, will I ever find peace? If you asked me what happiness is, I dont think I could answer except by saying that its seeing others happy. I do not know what happiness is.

Like I said, I am a mess. When school is in session, I dont have time to think and I waste my time coming up with (what I think are...) cool lesson plans. Now I have all this free time and try to figure my life out. But I just cannot seem to do it. I know its not something that happens in a day, or a month. But you all seem just so put together and "know" what it is that makes you who you are in life. I feel like I have been searching and searching for YEARS and I still come back to nothing! I feel like I have a lot to offer people, but cant seem to figure out the most basic thing in life...who I am. And why dont people want to be with me? Does that make any sense? I feel like I am being WAAAAAAAAY too deep with you all, and I apologize.

It's just been a rough night...starting with the realization that guys in my past who I have been holding on to do not want to be with me, to someone really getting me to open up, to the wine I bought to make myself feel better (i know...its another problem....)

It took a lot for me to open up to you guys, and I am sitting here crying for no reason because of it. I know we each have our problems, and I am sorry to lay this all on you. You really do not need to worry about me...I have gotten along just fine on my own for so long now. But I feel like right now I really need some advice or suggestions. I really do not know what I am asking you for.

Maybe just a prayer that I will figure things out in my life. Or that I will find happiness. I think the reason I can never stay with someone is because I do not open up to those people who are really there for me. I saw that with my friend tonight. He tried to get me to open up, as a few others have tried, but I just cannot seem to do it. Maybe I need to try and maybe I will find that happiness??? So much easier said than done.

I am tired, and I am sorry for this huge long email. I wish life was easy.