it's happening again

it used to be that when i was little, i couldn't sleep the night before Christmas Eve. so, Christmas Eve eve :) i remember tossing and turning; having very strange, vivid dreams. i could not wait until our small and rather strange family traditions began on Christmas Eve.

it's 2011, im 29 years old, and it happened again tonight. only this time it's not anticipation that keeps me awake. instead, it's worry. and sadness. and racing thoughts.

im so ready for a new year to come.

im worried about which road my life will begin to go down.

im so ready for the holidays to pass.

it brings me sadness that my entire family will not be together.

im so ready for a good night's sleep.

these racing thoughts are turning into nightmares.

once again, it's me world

wow. again, it's been forever and a year since i blogged on here. so much as happened, and yet, so much has stayed the same. it's 2:45 my time and i just sort of 'hung up' with someone...i guess nowadays ending a texting conversation is a way of hanging up....? i feel bad for 'hanging up' with the person seeing as though im still up, but i had no intention to sit here and start typing this. i mean, it's late. im tired. im freezing in my house. and i have a million and one things to get done tomorrow because i was otherwise occupied all day...doing pretty much nothing...but having the best day all the same....doing nothing at all with someone... and still having a great day says a lot; multitudes really, of that one person. who is miles away.

i couldnt sleep. for multiple reasons.

the most obvious and boring: i had a coughing attack. fighting this stupid cold, and i had to get up and get a cough drop.

the subtle and more interesting: im about to go through some pretty serious life changes here in my life, and i am pretty sure its going to affect more than just me. and im not sure what to think. or do. or say. or feel....im all over the place.

my emotions are:

excited yet scared.

nervous yet anxious.

dreamy yet realistic.

calm yet crazy wild.

childish yet mature.

open yet shut off.

im becoming something(s) ive never been before:

im learning how to be vulnerable yet strong.

im growing older with age but im feeling younger with life.

im becoming very lost and yet more perceptive than ever.

im losing my mind, but gaining so much knowledge.

im forgetting who i thought i was and being introduced to who ive always wanted to be.

im learning to see the world through two sets of eyes, but only one heart.

at least one thing has not changed. i'm still very much in love with the oxymorons of my life.

good night moon.

back again

I really need to start writing more and more. 

Song #1

I’m done. 

I gotta be. 

It was fun

Though

For the short time it lasted

You aren’t lying, 

but you’re sure not telling me the truth. 

You left out some details

It’s my time

raisin my white sail 

even though i don’t want to

I do not need to be sitting here 

wine glass in my hand

wondering if and when you’ll call

I’m better than that 

You tell me all I want to hear

and it’s so sweet

i think you mean it

but you need to get 

your own shit together first

Figure out what you want

i cant promise I’ll still be here

I do not need to be sitting here 

wine glass in my hand

wondering if and when you’ll call

I’m better than that

I’ve been here and done this

many times before

unfortunately for you 

i have learned from guys like you

Trying my hardest 

not to care

spare

me the time 

spare me my tears

Figure it out

see if i’m here when youre done

I do not need to be sitting here 

wine glass in my hand

wondering if and when you’ll call

I’m better than that

you wont call

and i know

i’m better than this

...............But my wine is good

White wine from a box

worth it

worth drinking it 

if it’s to get over you....

again, its been a while

and i just finished a 6-pack. 

i sense myself getting back into the old habit of drinking away, or into, my problems and depressions. 

its summer. 

im here in michigan. 

i feel alone. 

although i have people in my life. 

i think. 

sometimes i just get too caught up in the fact that everyone seems to have their own lives. 

already. 

families. 

kids. 

their own/other friends. 

me. not so much. 

im just a floater. 

and i really, usually, enjoy it. 

most of the time. 

except for nights like these. 

then i start to sulk and feel sorry for myself. 

like why i ever moved here. and why im still here. its because i always seem to tell myself that there is supposed to be something here for me. 

i just need to find it. 

and maybe its here already. or maybe its not. but how am i supposed to know? 

so i start to feel sorry for myself. 

i start to think about moving. and going somewhere else. but where? 

wont it just be the same if i go someplace else? wherever that may be...everyone will be established. everyone will have someone else in their lives. everyone will have their own life. 

it doesnt matter. 

i will never be happy it seems. i will never find what i am looking for. or at least it seems. sometimes i just wish that what i dream....actually dream...at night...when i wake up in cold or hot sweats...would come true. 

OXYMORON

1657, from Gk. oxymoron, noun use of neut. of oxymoros (adj.) "pointedly foolish," from oxys "sharp" + moros "stupid." Rhetorical figure by which contradictory terms are conjoined so as to give point to the statement or expression; the word itself is an illustration of the thing. Now often used loosely to mean "contradiction in terms."

"Fictional Memoir" 

my story

it's going well. but what can i say? it's only january 3rd and i am still on break from work. hopefully i will still manage to find the time to write once i start teaching again. at the same time, i hope my life takes me some places that will be really good for Steph's story. I want drama, but not all the time. I want "good" drama. But I am really good at embellishing and using my imagination, so if it doesn't happen, i can always write it into the story. 

i know i know...I'm using my real name for my story. I could not think of a better one to use. I thought of what i thought i look like? you know...like people sometimes say, "oh you look like a [insert random name here]..." and i thought i simply look like me; a Stephanie. I also thought of what the other options of my name could have been based off of what my parents told me, and Kimberly just does not suit me at all. Plus, according to my parents, my sister chose the name Stephanie. And it means "crown" and i like crowns. ha. lastly, i figured this new "story" of mine is just that: Mine. 

like i say on the blog: my story. her story. living through my words.

1/2 fiction

1/2 non fiction

factual fiction / fictional facts

Writers

"Writers crave Experience."

2 more days

when i was a young girl i remember reading this book. i have no idea what the title was called. i didnt actually read it; my mom or dad read it to me each night. i remember my dad reading it to me more than my mom actually. it was a story that went on for 365 days. each night/day you would read a page of the story and it told the lives/story of a little group of animal friends and their families. 

i looked it up and searched and searched. my parents have no idea what it is that i am talking about. i know this is actually one thing that i am NOT making up from my childhood...sometimes i feel as though i think things that never really happened. i know this to be true. the only thing i could find is this: 

http://www.logan.com/loganberry/most-gilbert.html

AND

http://www.alibris.com/search/books/qwork/8391887/used/A%20Story-A-Day:%20365%20Stories%20&%20Rhymes

But it's not it! the book i was talking about was a continuous story....about a group of animals that lived on a street and were all friends and their story continued each day. it was great. i am so sad that i cannot find it. 

But that is not what i am talking about. i am so sad that i cannot find it online. anyways, the point of this post is this:

i plan on doing the same exact thing. starting on january 1st. i plan to document my 2009 year. however, since i have always wanted to be a writer, i plan to make it [as jimmy buffett would say]: "FICTIONAL FACTS, AND FACTUAL FICTION" 

in other words, what is typed might not all be true, while some of it may be. i am excited about this, as i can finally do something that i have wanted to do with my life. [hopefully] each night, or morning, i will update the story of me, or shall i say, my character. it will be so much fun. i cannot wait. i will post the new blog site for my story. please help me along with this, as i think many of us will be able to relate to this young woman's story.  

happy new year. i am hoping this is the year of Stephanie. i think it's about my time! =) 

my speech

written over a bottle of white wine. "there was not a dry eye in the room." it went something like this. i did improv a bit once i was up there. 

You know the second you asked me to be your maid of honor, i sat down and wrote my speech. i’m sure you are not all that surprised. So, here it all goes:

“Treat your love like a firefly. like it only gets to shine for a little while. catch it in a Mason jar with holes on the top. and then run like hell to show it off.” 

i know you both are not big country fans, but its one of my favorite lyrics. and when i sat down to write this, its the first thing that came to my mind. 

you guys have a love like a firefly’s light--you need to run with it and show it off. you need to show others that true love does exist. run with it. show it off. let everyone know. 

now, for each of you....

kyle, i will start with you, because you are the easy one. you are amazing. i am so happy my sister found you. you are her disco ball to her dance floor; and she is your italian dressing to your cheese cubes. (i will never understand your weird food cravings between that and vanilla frosting right out of the jar.) anyways, you are my sister’s balance. you make her not only a better person, you make her the woman i know she always longed to be. when she is stressed, you calm her down. you see the best in her and it shows. she is happy. not just content. she is perfect with you. you together are harmony.  i really believe she found herself through you. you are the man she always longed to find. and i cannot be happier that she found you. kyle, i am so happy and proud to call you my brother. 

Kristina - i dont even know where to start. im sure by this time as i read this i will be crying, as i am crying while i write it. we have had a long, dramatic, life together. you know this, i know this. mom and dad REALLY know this. kyle knows this. its no secret. but i want you to know how much i love you. as a sister and a friend. it’s a shame i had to wait until your wedding to tell you this. so it’s now or never. you are amazing. you are so strong---just like mom. i look up to you both like you can never imagine. i think throughout our lives together i have envied that about you. [perfect example, i am probably crying now, and you are sitting there straight faced and serious. i am weak, you are strong.] you are everything i am not. and it’s that about you which i absolutely love. i am so happy that you found your true love, kyle. you have no idea how happy i am for you both. i am truly honored that you gave in and asked me to be your maid of honor. i know it sounds cheesy, but this has been one of my childhood dreams - to be my older sister’s maid of honor. to help you with your dress, to be up here tonight. to be your right-hand-man, or woman--on this most special day in your life, i could not ask for anything more. I am so proud of you--for everything you have accomplished in your life. for doing things on your own, for taking risks, for believing in me and always being honest--even when the truth hurts. i can always count on you. for 26 years of my life you have been there for me. whether its pushing me off my bike, fighting over something stupid, whatever.  you are and always will be-- my sister, and my friend. 

let us raise our glasses - - -

To you both, continue to bring out the best in each other. continue to be yourselves. continue to love. just continue. forever. 

May your light shine longer than any firefly. may that same light shine forever between the two of you. and may others look to your light, your love, as the perfect example. 

I love you both. Congratulations.

something else i wrote a few weeks ago

i cannot sleep. its late for me--almost ten on a week night. yet, my brain is being over taken by these thoughts. thoughts of the past. its been a week now since i talked to you. before that it had been about 2 years. your voice was the same. your stubborn attitude. your monotone, laid-back, relaxed responses. still kills me. for years now it’s always been you. you are all i think about. and i know i am the last girl, the last person, the last one you think about. i feel this...thing...this feeling...this spark that is still there. and i know, deep down inside that you still do think about me...even if it is just now and then. once a year. when you hear my favorite cheese. i know. and i tell myself i cannot wait forever. but i think i will. until someone else walks into my life that i dont actually compare to you. 

there is someone who loves me more than his own life. someone who would and who does absolutely anything and everything for me. yet i just cannot get myself to feel the same way about him. its sad really. in all honesty. that there is a person out there who feels that much love towards someone. towards me. and that i can not give it back to him. its depressing. its a tragedy really. a true and complete tragedy. 

one of the last things you told me was to let go of my emotional ties and that its time to move on. thanks ass hole as if i dont know that already. and by the way, im working on it. i am practicing each night before i go to bed. asking the Lord to give me strength to move on. so far He has not shown me the light completely, but i know He will. I am beginning to truly leave my hope and faith in Him. something you would never approve of, im sure. something you would never believe in. something i would never have gotten to know if i was still with you. but something that is now within me. and something that no one can take away from me. 

monday night 9:50 - 10:27 dec 1 2008

scary

sometimes i write on my computer and then save it just because i am not connected to the internet to post right away. i was just looking through my files, and found an entry titled "scary one." i almost posted it, but then i read it. i am messed up. that is all i have to say. i could not believe that i wrote what i wrote. maybe one day if i get the nerve i will post it. but until then, it is my dirty little secret. weird. freaked myself out. 

it's been a while since i wrote on this. a lot has happened. my past is catching up with me. 

haha, im so annoyed at myself

my blog is so boring. all i ever do is quote song lyrics. i need to stop. 

sometimes, the songs just make so much sense. they say exactly what i want to say. but just cant. 

scared

i found this while i was at home. and i thought it was worthy. i have been meaning to type it up on here. i have no idea when i wrote this, nor for that matter who it was about. but i read this, closed my eyes, and realized that most of can relate to this situation at one time or another in our lives. 

that one time when you are awake. and the person next to you was asleep. you just want to reach out and touch them. but you are afraid. you dont want to wake that person. and if they do wake up, what will they think.....can anyone else relate?

lying next to you

i want to reach out

touch you

im scared

im wide awake

you 

asleep 

by my side

next to me

in my territory

my hands

on your chest

my arm 

on top of yours

i cannot do it

my hand 

wrapped up 

in your fingers

a simple squeeze

i hope you can 

feel it

i wish 

i could

do it

easily

without thinking

i reach out

pull back

once more

still cannot do it

go to sleep 

angry

with myself

still scared

will you ever know

cried again

http://staroftheseabreezes.blogspot.com/

My New Love

Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz

You’ve got the best of both worlds
You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man then lift him back up again
You are strong but you’re needed, humble but you’re greeted
And based on your body language and shotty cursive I’ve been reading
You’re style is quite selective though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don’t mind my nerve you can call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they’re quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
There’s no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these words
I’m paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging

But it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blames
And the kind and courteous is a life I’ve heard
But it’s nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are
Here we are

We're still here

And it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words and priceless pictures
We’ll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today, oh the wait was so worth it

Here we are

Aug 18 entry

Movies with Mom

Midnight - Aug 18

I went with my mom tonight to see the movie “Mama Mia.” She cried when Donna is helping Sophie get ready for her wedding, and she sings “Slipping Through My Fingers.” I could not help but think that mom had her and my older sister in mind while watching that scene. 

I expect she did, especially if I was thinking the same thing. 

My sister’s wedding is coming up in December and I know my mom does not sleep at night thinking about it. She has told me. Multiple times. 

It’s totally understandable that she begins to get sad when imagining her oldest daughter moving on and getting married. I am sure there is some envy towards the young love, the whole “life ahead of them” feeling. Especially since my parents have nothing close to the idea marriage. They are not divorced, but sometimes we all agree that they should be. It’s sad really. It’s really, really sad in all actuality. I hate just thinking about it. How sad they must be.

Part of me, and it’s the selfish part of me, wonders if she will cry when my time comes. When I get married and move on to the young, endless, happy love. I’m sure she will. But it’s going to be the second-time-around-feeling. Won’t it?

My mom and I have a different relationship than hers with my sister. They are both a lot alike, and well, she was her first child. My mom has known her the longest, etc. I’m not jealous of it, I guess maybe I am a little. We just are not like they are. It’s just different. 

On a different note, this one particular sentence really makes me stop and think about a conversation I just had the other night: But it’s going to be the second-time-around-feeling. Won’t it? I was asked if when/if I ever get proposed to again, will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? [My question to myself is, was I happy the first time? And clearly my answer is no.]

At first I was kind of taken aback by the person who asked me this. We barely know each other, and I was shocked [yet a bit impressed] that he had the guts to just come right out and ask me such a personal question. I can completely see where he was coming from, and why he was curious. Ironically, my ex fiance had already been married before me [sensing a bad pattern in his life yet?] and I asked him if proposing and getting married again would be as special and meaningful as the first time. Or, would it just be a “going with the flow,” “doing this once again” feeling? So, I understand where his question came from.

My answer: First of all, the strong curiosity of knowing the answer to this question might stem from something people cannot imagine unless they have experienced it. Hence, myself wondering the same thing from my ex fiance before we were even engaged. I believe it is a justified, normal question to ask. Not because I had the same question in my head, but because an engagement and marriage should only happen once. In the normal person’s mind you don’t grow up thinking or imagining a broken engagement or ending a marriage.  So, when you hear that it didn’t work out once, and that it could happen again for a second time, wouldn’t you want to know if the same feelings are there, are they stronger, or are they weaker? The first time should be all that happens, and therefore all that should matter. However, in reality, the fairy tale endings do not always come true. Unless you have experienced the joy in an engagement and then the hurt in ending one, you cannot probably imagine having it happen all over again.

But I do. I can imagine it. And I pray that my time will come, and it will happen all over again for me. But better! 

And this was somewhat my answer to this guy’s original question, will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? Yes and no. Let me explain. 

I was happy the first time. But it was not right. The engagement was [what I believe] to be all a show and an act for my ex fiance. I am also to blame that I answered his proposal with a “yes” when I clearly was not ready. In some defense I always share with people with this story: When you are a little girl, and you imagine someone down on their knee with a ring, and he asks you to marry him, what is the response? It clearly is never “NO.” I was happy in the engagement. For about 3 months. I pray to God when/if my time comes again and someone asks me for their hand in marriage, I will be happy forever. NOT three months. So in that sense, NO I will not be as happy as I was the first time, I will be HAPPIER than the first time. 

What is so good about this experience is that I know now, going into any relationship, that it must be right to begin with. That way, when he is down on his knee, this time I won’t have to think about the answer, I will just know. 

It is such a sad thing. Such a sad experience that I went through, and I hate that someone would ever have to ask me that question: will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? God, I hope I am happier. I know I will be happier. It will be better than the first time because this second time, it will be right. 

There will be no third times, no fourth times. I made a mistake, and it sucked. A lot. But I truly came out of it such a better person. One that knows what true love is NOT and what true love should be.  

My true love. 

My new favs

http://www.myspace.com/kateisenbergmusic

http://www.myspace.com/treva

Treva's song "Home" says exactly how I feel about going home. Probably driving home tonight. 

It's getting late on the interstate and I'm racing the setting sun
Another long day and I can hardly wait for the race to finally be done
The road is long that I travel on

Home feels so far away - I'd go but I know I can't stay
It's too far to drive tonight, too late to fly, so I pray
I pray for a strong steady hand and a soft place to land

A purple sky tries to lullaby eyes so tired, so heavy, so worn
On the right side a steady white line on a road so dark and cold
I'm holding on for the morning dawn

Home feels so far away - I'd go but I know I can't stay
It's too far to drive tonight, too late to fly, so I pray
I pray for a strong steady hand - and a soft place to land

You're Cheering Me Up and I'm Thanking You. Old Buffalo.

So it goes
The ordinary people they do not know
Who we are
Or what we're doing here
I want you to pick up the phone
And hum the dial tone
You see we should start
From the top
And look at what we've got

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you

So it goes
The ordinary people they do not know
Who we are
Or what we're doing here
I want you to pick up the phone
And hum the dial tone
You see we should start from the top
And look at what we've got

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two

You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
Guess what you are cheering me
up and I'm thanking you

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you