Tom

my pledge mom died on tuesday. i havent really cried much. not until now. when i read her husband's blog. afterwards. after she was gone. i cried.  a lot. 

AUGUST 08, 2008

Things I Never Wanted To Know

1) Everyone looks at you like you have the bubonic plague. And "widower" written across the forehead. They simply do not know what to say. I am really okay though, and wish humor would return. I need to print off a list of funny one-line or two jokes so I can break the ice better.

2) No one knows which way you'll feel. Do you want help, company, solitude? Even I don't know until I let my shoulders hang and put out my antennas to try and feel something.

3) Hunger stops. I've been getting headaches, stomach aches, etc, and wondering why until I realize that it's 2:47 and I haven't had as much as a sip of water.

4) Implied tasks get overlooked. This morning I left the water running. Yesterday I burnt the toast. Twice.

5) How the services and calling are arranged. All the tasks I never thought of.

ha, what love is....

someone once told me that i needed to listen to this song...its really retro, but says a lot. 

Was it more than attraction and a physical lust?
Her loins, my imagination, that first inconceivable touch,
That I was planning, er, I mean wishing, uh..
How embarassed I’d been if you knew what I was thinking of. 

And whoa, when it started, my first thought was love,
Not just lust, because when I heard you speak, I felt warm.
In the evening I saw you, you were warming the bass up.
Your hair covered your face up,
I was acting indifferent at the merch booth, putting on makeup.

We met up at a party in a swamp on a yacht.
I spun the helm, but we were docked.

I crossed my fingers, but I didn’t beg, no ,
Cause I knew you knew,
Cause I knew you knew I liked you.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it,
But I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance with you.
I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance with you.

Close to you, wishing we’re conjoined at the tongue.
Can you hear me thinking? I should stop...

I crossed my fingers, but I didn’t beg,
Cause I knew you knew,
Cause I knew you knew I liked you.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it,
But I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it,
But I figured desperate guys, 
Never had a chance with you.

I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance with you.
I knew that desperate guys,
Would never have a chance with you.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.

Watching Airplanes

Just like 

the song says...I’m just sittin down here watching airplanes...take off and fly. Tryin to figure out which one you might be on....and why you don’t love me anymore. 

A friend of mine showed me this place. I like to call it “our place” because we have been out here a few times together just to think, vent, and watch the planes. I know we both come out here sometimes alone to think and to just be. He doesn’t know it, but I have come out here more than once, lately to pray. But, I don’t really have the right to call it “ours.” It’s really just his. He showed it to me and told me about it. I feel guilty as if I am stealing his special place from him. Yet, I know he is at work tonight, [ha], so for tonight, I will call it all mine. Tonight, it’s mine. All mine.

It’s this place right outside of the GR Airport, called “The Viewing Area.” It is amazing. You just sit down on the hill or on a picnic table and literally watch the airplanes take off, fly, and land. What’s even better about it is that the sun sets right in the west, above the runway. It is simply gorgeous. I came out here tonight because I felt guilty sitting at home in front of the tv when it is the most perfect night. Ironically, I have had about four people call me and I just decided to put my phone on silent. I don’t want to share tonight with anyone but Phoenix. (Who is laying on the table right next to me, her back completely turned from the runway, more excited to watch the cars and people pulling in and out of the “Area.” ) She was inside all day and so when I came home we went for a 2 mile walk/run around the track, and then I took her out here. I like to think of it as a “doggy date” with my pup. Usually I would be sad and mourning in my sorrow for being alone and not having anyone here with me to share this with. But not tonight. 

People always write about the sun and sun sets, that I feel like whatever I write will not even begin to give others justice. But what I see tonight cannot go without words. The sun is a huge orange glowing hanging ball. Clouds around it  so that you can just see the top of it with specks in between the clouds. As I write, it’s setting faster and faster as if it knows I wanted to leave at nine o’clock--it’s drifting quicker so that when I leave, I won’t feel as much guilt for deserting it on this night. It is now a shade of pink and it’s resting on top of whatever building is in the distance. My dog blocks my view and she anxiously awaits for this worthless piece of writing to end. The air is filled with the chain rattling around her neck, birds - one of which is a yellow gold-finch resting on top of the 20ft fence around the runway. No crickets or frogs just yet. Only the sound of the humming tower behind me. I think it is used for the local weather station. 

The sun is 1/2 behind the building, and its color has changed to a deep hot magenta, neon pink. The more I look that way, into the west, the more bright spots I see in my eyes.  The clouds’ tips are highlighted by a silver sun glow from the setting sun. It makes the rest of the sky in the west a pallet of pastels. It almost looks like a rainbow within the clouds. 

The sun is gone. All that is left is a building in the distance with broken clouds around it. Specks of sunshine, glowing neon orange between the purple-blue sky. 

Magnificent. 

My Journey Begins....

So tonight I finally realized that this journey of mine has officially begun. Christ is showing Himself to me in a million ways. All of these things have happened to me within the past month! 

(I plan on writing more in depth about each of these, but for now I just need to make a note to myself so I remember what they all are!)

1. Phoenix / dogs

2. Old friend David on Facebook

3. Stacy at SHAPE / mountain vs. valley / Sunday service

4. Kathy W. - spiritual friend

5. SHAPE / Sandy / networks with others

6. Jo Dobson / TK

7. Luann Snider

8. Alison / Alpha Gams

9. Boyfriends

10. My calling / purpose

I cannot wait to write more about this! 

Tuesday

Ok, whew! What a depressing mess I have been. I figured I really need to start using this page as a way to share my happiness and other good things in my life. Not to say that I am the happiest person ever, and looking at some of my past blog entries, I realize that I really needed to take a good, long, look at myself. That's where this and church comes in. I am so glad I started going to church. However, the past few years were extremely rough for me. They were hard. I won't lie. I only hope I can go forward and not wallow in the past. I am beginning to learn a lot about myself, the consequences of some of my choices, and those results. I am anxious to move forward, meet new people, and start getting to know my faith and blessings better. 

story of my life.....

He left me cryin' late one Sunday night outside of Boulder
He said he had to find himself out on the road
I guess when love goes wrong
You've gotta learn to be strong

So I worked two jobs and I moved three times
I ended up south of Memphis workin' down in Riverside
I may not be so lucky in love
But the one thing I'm sure of

I want a man that stands beside me
Not in front of or behind me
Give me two arms that want to hold me not own me
And I'll give all the love in my heart
Stand beside me
Be true don't tell lies to me
I'm not lookin' for a fantasy
I want a man that who stands beside me

i gave into alcohol tonight. not doing so well.   =(

Dear God:

When I fall down, I need a helping hand.
And when I lose my head, it's cause it's always buried in the sand.
When I get stuck on myself, feelin' sorry for myself.
Will you help me grab a hold and please don't patrionize my soul.
When I start to lose control, when I get irrational, when I start to get too high,
you see me come floating by, I say

Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
Touch me in the morning sun, show me what is possible.
Touch me in the morning sun when I feel impossible, show me what is possible.
Teach me love invisible, Teach me love invincible, Teach me love invincible,
Teach me love invincible.

When youre down, you need a helping hand.
And when you lose your head, I'll help you wash away the sand.
And when you get stuck on yourself, feelin' sorry for yourself.
I will help you grab a hold and I won't patrionize your soul.
When you start to lose control, when you get irrational, when you start to get too high,
I see you come floating by, I say
Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
Touch me in the morning sun, show me what is possible.
Touch me in the morning sun when I feel impossible, 
show me what is possible.
Teach me love invincible, Teach me love invincible
When we're down, we need a helping hand.
And when we lose our heads, it's cause they're always buried in the sand.
But when we get stuck on our selves, feelin' sorry for our selves.
Will you help us grab a hold and please don't patrionize our souls.
When we start to lose control, when we get irrational, when we start to get too high,
You see us come floating by, I say,

Touch us with the morning sun, when we feel impossible.
Touch us with the morning sun, show us what is possible.
Touch us in the morning sun when we feel impossible, show us what is possible.
Teach us love invinsible, teach us love invisible

Teach us love invinsible, hold us love invincible, share us love invinsible,
be us love invinsible, help us love invisible, touch us love invinsible,
breathe us love invinsible, sing it love invisible.

Life is Beautiful

Keb' Mo'

Lets go driftin through the trees

Let's go sailing on the sea
Let's go dancing on the juke-join floor
And leave our troubles all behind, have a party

So easily forgotten, are the most important things
Like the melody and the moonlight in your eyes
And a song that lasts forever
Each song getting better all the time

Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright

I get crazy, so afraid
That I might lose you some fine day
And I'll be nothing but a tired old man
And I don't wanna be without you at the party

So easily forgotten, the most important thing
Is that I love you - I do
And I want to spend my days and nights
Walking through this crazy world with you

Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright

So easily forgotten, the most important thing
Is that I love you - I do
And I want to spend my days and nights
Walking through this crazy world with you
(that's right baby)

Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright
Shining Bright

questions, things i am wondering about, things i learned tonight

1. when we put ourselves down, it is like a slap in the face to God. He made us each a masterpiece. We need to love and respect that. We are who we are because He made us that way. I need to really learn to accept that. I always think, why me? I am nothing special. who cares? But I realize that I need to work on accepting myself. Then  it could be easier to accept Him. 

2. I am neither inferior or superior to anyone else. God each made us a separate masterpiece. 

3. Success is doing what He made us to do. whatever that may be. I need to figure it out and be successful in that.

4. MY gifts are for OTHERS. Whatever my gifts, talents, abilities are; He gave them to me to serve others.

5. I need interdependence in my life. It is ok to NEED someone and for that person to need ME in order to live His way.  I dont "need" anyone in my life to survive. I can get by. But it is ok to WANT someone there for you. And it is ok to NEED someone there to help lift me up and make me a better person. 

I went to a church group tonight....

and i came home, and i forgot that i gave up alcohol. 

anyways, it [this church group called SHAPE - to begin your journey toward Christ] really opened my eyes to so much lately. maybe it will sound like i am preaching, but i am ok with that. maybe this journey of mine will inspire or motivate others. here is a facebook message/conversation i had tonight with someone whom i have not spoken with in years. he truly is an inspiration as he is 27 years old and survived a brain stroke. He told me tonight [not even having a conversation about God] that God only gave him what he could handle, and that God is not done with him, and that he will recover and move on. What an inspiration. Here is my response to Dave, my friend:

hey, sorry. my mom called me. my sister is getting married and we are doing so much planning for it. we were figuring out our flight info. (wedding is in florida where she lives.) i apologize to just leave you hanging. anyways, i totally agree with you about God having his plan and only giving us what we can handle. i feel bad when i get mad and stressed and cry about stuff, when i know He will see me through it all. I just started this whole journey and like i said, it is scary doing it all alone. but i have faith that He will guide me to have more acceptance. I swear though, it is so weird....like all of a sudden, since I started this journey, He has popped up in the most random places. And tonight was one of them...talking to you totally out of the blue and just you saying that about Him...kind of freaked me out. He is showing Himself to me in the oddest of places like he is hinting to me. It's fun at the same time. Im always wondering, "whats next?" Anyways, enough of me preaching. sorry. it was so good to talk to you and catch up. I'll pray for your recovery! keep in touch! Steph =)

how amazing is He? He is truly showing Himself to me in the strangest of places. I think I will start using this blog as a way to show others what I go through on this journey to gain a clearer and closer personal relationship with God. I can see His work in others and I feel like He does have a purpose for me in this life here on Earth. I just need to find that purpose. And it needs to begin with finding myself. 

I am excited!

Michael Franti

My new obsession. 

Pandora

it's my new favorite thing in the entire world. 

http://pandora.com

im in a mood that i dont think i have ever been in before--at least not in a long time. i cant even describe it in words.  i gave up alcohol. so maybe what i am experiencing is "real". and not some falsified feeling that the chemicals in the wine i usually have give me. 

it sucks actually.  im dying for a drink to forget about life for a while. 

sadness

i simply hate being sad. its even worse when you are sad and you dont even know why. or what about when you DO know why, and there is nothing you can do to make it stop? i also hate mosquito bites. 

On Love, In Sadness Lyrics
by Jason Mraz & Jenny Keene

Sing about that oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
Not falsified to say that I found God so 
Inevitably well it still exists. 
Pale and fine I can't dismiss 
And I won't resist and if I die well, at least I tried

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, rust and the rain endure.
The rust and the rain so thin
Well I'm in like Flynn again
(I'm in)

So go on place your order now cause some other time is right around the clock
You can stand in line well it finally begins oh just around the block
You can have your pick if your stomach is sick whether you eat or not
And there is just one thing that I almost forgot

Oh, see, you and me, we lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, the rivers unwind so easy
Oh, these are the comforts that be

You see, well, I'm feeling lucky oh well, maybe that's just me
Well you'd be(so)proud of me oh well, if you could only see
How we're gonna grow on up to be, 
Ah yes we are thick as thieves 

Sing about that oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
It's not falsified to say that I found God so 
Inevitably, well it still exists so pale and fine I can't dismiss 
And I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind and the rust and the rain endure
The rust and the rain endure, I'm sure. 

Because I'm insofar to know the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be-
Insofar to know, the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be-
Insofar to know, the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be lost on me

Oh not tonight, said love will never ever be lost on me.
(Love will...) never ever be lost on me
(Love) will not be
Love will never be lost on me
Love...will...not...be...lost..on...me.

Lyrics

I truly think I have been genuinely been in love--true love, the real thing, LOVE, with three people in my life. I deleted all three of their numbers in my phone tonight.

RASCAL FLATTS LYRICS - WINNER AT A LOSING GAME LYRICS

Baby, look here at me
Have you ever seen me this way
I’ve been fumbling for words
Through the tears and the hurt and the pain
I’m gonna lay it all out
On the line tonight
And I think that it’s time
To tell this uphill fight goodbye

Have you ever had to love someone
That just don’t feel the same
Tryin’ to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin’ to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game

I know that baby, you tried
To find me somewhere inside of you
But you know you can’t lie
Girl, you can’t hide the truth
Sometimes two hearts
Just can’t dance to the same beat
So I’ll pack up my things
And I’ll take what remains of me

Have you ever had to love someone
That just don’t feel the same
Tryin’ to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin’ to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game

I know that I’ll never be the man that you need
or love
Yeah baby, it’s killin’ me to stand here and see
I’m not what you’ve been dreamin’ of

Have you ever had to love someone
That just don’t feel the same
Tryin’ to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin’ to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game

Oh, oh, if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game
Ooo, I’m tired of losing
Oh oh ooh

Email that I Wrote Tonight....

Hi ladies!

How is your summer going? Hope it's going well! I just got back from San Antonio and I had so much fun at the Alpha Gamma Delta Convention! I cannot wait to get started advising the chapter at Central Michigan! I learned a lot and am excited to get back into my roots of the sorority life. I just realized why it was I joined that sorority and the impact I can have on other young women. Thanks to those of you who donated to the walk I participated in. I tried running most of it, but a night of karaoke + 90 degree weather at 6am that morning prevented me from running all of it. I have pictures! Oh, and....I ended up winning a huge Williams Sonoma kitchen gift set from raising over $300!!!!! Not my $1000 goal, but still awesome. Overall, together everyone raised $24,000 for American Diabetes Association! How cool!!!!!

On another note, I need some prayers:

(Some of you know this story....) My uncle passed away yesterday. He was an awesome man who lived a looooooong life. It was expected and I know God called him home to finally be with his family. He lived in Hungary during the Communist Revolution, and when he was about 8 years old, he came home from school and his house had been bombed. He found his parents and siblings in the house. Everyone was dead. He grew up with his cousins and came to the US where he met my aunt, and fell in love with her the instant he saw her. When she was sent to a nunnery (she was wild!) he wrote her love letters every single day! The last time I saw him, we sat around the dining room table and he could tell me to this day what she wore the first time they met at a "Hungarian Dance." He was the ideal man. I hope someday I can find someone who is that in love with me. Better yet, I hope someday that feeling is mutual. It was his time, but my aunt is so upset, as anyone would be. He was her life. Please pray for her, as we all know Uncle Alex is in a better place. My Aunt Judy is here without the love of her life.

Me. I am a mess. Ha. I hate writing mass emails like this that are all sappy and stuff, but sometimes I think I was brought to Michigan if not for anything else, than to meet great amazing ladies like you who make a huge impact on my life. It upsets me that I cannot talk to my mom about this. She has enough on her plate with my brother, dad, and planning for my sisters wedding back home. The last thing she needs is her middle child having a quarter-life crisis and breaking down. Oops, now I realize you all have the same issues! Sorry...I'll go on anyways....I cannot talk to my parents, as I feel like I do so much to try to impress them, even though they have no idea what all I do. Explaining this to them would just make them feel like they messed up,or make me feel like I am upsetting them. Whichever, I will not talk to my parents about this.

First of all, I am desperate for love. ha...I know I cannot rush it. I know my time will come. I need to give it time. I think I did the first step to moving out of living in the past. I deleted all the numbers of guys in my phone who I have had some connection with and who have brought me down in some way. I know this one guy who is just simply amazing. He loves me. I wish I felt the same way. I know EXACTLY what it is like to be in love with someone and not have that same feeling back towards you. It sucks. And you just wish it could be reciprocated. But how can you force something? I had a great talk tonight with a good friend. He really got to me tonight. He really opened up to me and tried to get me to talk, but when things got really serious in our conversation, and I began to cry (well just tear up), I just got up and left. PROBLEMS. When Im scared, I just run. Avoid it totally. Crying, to me, is a sign of weakness, and I try not to let people see me cry. I want to be strong.

I cannot fall back into the same pattern of always having someone there for me. I need to take it slow and I need to take time for myself. I got all sappy and began to cry, and told him I had to go and just left. Ha. ooops!

I am just so sick of everyone else being so happy in love. I am so jealous of all of you and your relationships. But when my time comes, I just want it to be RIGHT. I just want that feeling of just "knowing its right." If I am tied down, who knows if I will ever find it???

I have been going to church and even an "age group" meeting on Tuesdays, and finding out that I am having the hardest time with the three following things: believing, forgiving, and accepting the truth. Believing in God, Forgiving XXXX and myself for whatever I did to mess up that relationship, Accepting the truth that its ok to mess up and make mistakes and accepting the truth of how things are. But I think I need more than church. I cannot seem to find peace.

What makes me the happiest is doing things for other people. Not myself. To me, that is being selfish, but I dont think that I am truly happy. And I enjoy making others happy. But if I cannot make myself happy, will I ever find peace? If you asked me what happiness is, I dont think I could answer except by saying that its seeing others happy. I do not know what happiness is.

Like I said, I am a mess. When school is in session, I dont have time to think and I waste my time coming up with (what I think are...) cool lesson plans. Now I have all this free time and try to figure my life out. But I just cannot seem to do it. I know its not something that happens in a day, or a month. But you all seem just so put together and "know" what it is that makes you who you are in life. I feel like I have been searching and searching for YEARS and I still come back to nothing! I feel like I have a lot to offer people, but cant seem to figure out the most basic thing in life...who I am. And why dont people want to be with me? Does that make any sense? I feel like I am being WAAAAAAAAY too deep with you all, and I apologize.

It's just been a rough night...starting with the realization that guys in my past who I have been holding on to do not want to be with me, to someone really getting me to open up, to the wine I bought to make myself feel better (i know...its another problem....)

It took a lot for me to open up to you guys, and I am sitting here crying for no reason because of it. I know we each have our problems, and I am sorry to lay this all on you. You really do not need to worry about me...I have gotten along just fine on my own for so long now. But I feel like right now I really need some advice or suggestions. I really do not know what I am asking you for.

Maybe just a prayer that I will figure things out in my life. Or that I will find happiness. I think the reason I can never stay with someone is because I do not open up to those people who are really there for me. I saw that with my friend tonight. He tried to get me to open up, as a few others have tried, but I just cannot seem to do it. Maybe I need to try and maybe I will find that happiness??? So much easier said than done.

I am tired, and I am sorry for this huge long email. I wish life was easy.

untitled

i have not felt this way in a long time.
i am not even sure what i call this feeling that i have.
i am not sure what others call it.

again

it's almost been another whole year since i wrote on this. that basically sums up the past two years of my life...being trapped, thinking i was in love, engaged, then cheated on. i could not write for two years of my life. i felt as though someone was always looking over my shoulder.

ironic then, that i post my thoughts on a site which anyone and everyone can choose to read.

im happy. i am finally happy in my life. i know now that i can answer the question i ask myself and everyone i usually have a conversation with. "what is happiness?" "what makes you happy?"

i know now. i just want someone to ask me.

Songs to remind you

Jason Mraz: You And I Both

"Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now,
Oh love, no
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore, mmm...And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free
And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words."

Its ironic how some songs just bring you back. i have been meaning to write about this for a while now, and i am only now sitting down to do it. what gets me the most about this song is that the person it reminds me of, well he and i never even listened to it together...ever. but part of me knows that he at one time liked this song.

the person this song reminds me of, i have held hatred towards for awhile. he cheated on me and [what i considered] treated me like shit when we dated back in college. we have tried to be friends again on and off, and it never seemed to work. lately i think about him. not in a romantic relationship way, but just in general whenever i contemplate the hardships of relationships. i sometimes wonder where we went wrong. but then i know how it happened.

like always, i was not happy in that relationship and i cant even tell you why. looking back, i can truly see his heart and how much love he had for me. and that is why it is so strange to me that i can accept the fact that he cheated on me as much as he did. [he, and his future girlfriend had both come clean about him cheating on me, so i do know for sure that he did. gotta give them some credit for honesty.] i have finally and truly in my heart forgiven him for cheating on me and treating me the way he did. it was not that bad of a bad relationship after all.

sure, there were those few times when he got so drunk he scared me. but it was college. maybe i make up excuses just so i can see the good, or "better" in people. and if i do, then so be it. it works for me. but in all reality, i forgive this person. i was so tired of hating and being mad and looking for ways to get back at him.

he once sent this to me, and i still ponder what it could mean:

"if i told you how i'm feeling...and how my heart was always reeling....and maybe you could understand me a little better........if i was to write a letter. and maybe you would understand me a little better..."

"well i found myself face down in a ditch; with booze in hair and blood on my lips; and a picture of you holding a picture of me; in the pocket of my blue my jeans.....i still don't know what love means"-RL

part of me knows that he holds a place for me in his heart, as do i. we had a fun and wild relationship while it lasted. those were some of the best days of my life in college. and i owe a lot to him. i see myself with him, and i see myself growing as a person back then. and i have him to thank for that.

looking back i hated myself for loving him at the time we were together. and then i loved to hate him after we broke up. that makes it sound like i never did love him at all, but i did. at the time we were together i made myself unhappy with him for whatever reason. but then after we broke up, i put so much love into him still--just in the wrong ways. i loved to hate him.

that may not make much sense, but when you read once again out loud, it does. all in all, the point of this blog was just to come clean and admit we were both wrong for some of the things we did. he said a lot of mean things to me, but i probably egged him on and on.

sometimes i think where we would be today. but in my heart i am sure that we would not have lasted. nothing personal to him or myself, but i just didnt see my future with him in it. i think about where we could have gone in our relationship. i think we both know that had we toughed it out a bit more, we could have made a really strong couple built on a great relationship. i also think that at that time, though, we were young and foolish. we were neither sure of ourselves, nor each other, nor our lives at the time. we were just two stupid confused young adults thinking we knew it all about love and life. we were wrong, but really in love at heart.

he was actually one of the best and worst relationships i have ever been in. i learned a lot from him and grew up somewhat. i have him to thank for that.

SO...going back to this song....i hear it and immediately think of him. is that wrong? each and every word in this song is "our" relationship from the time we met, to today, even though we dont talk. i think its a sweet song to represent what we had at one time. he said mean things to me, but he also wrote me very sweet things once in a while, or he told them to me at least. and i once took all his words to heart, and somehow ironically, i still do.

"awww, baby talk."

its been over one year now

wow. its been over a year since i last wrote on here and i dont even know where to begin with where my life has taken me. i have had my ups and downs, thats for sure. i have so much to say, and just no energy to tell it all. i guess that should say enough about how i am these days.