He left me cryin' late one Sunday night outside of Boulder
He said he had to find himself out on the road
I guess when love goes wrong
You've gotta learn to be strong
So I worked two jobs and I moved three times
I ended up south of Memphis workin' down in Riverside
I may not be so lucky in love
But the one thing I'm sure of
I want a man that stands beside me
Not in front of or behind me
Give me two arms that want to hold me not own me
And I'll give all the love in my heart
Stand beside me
Be true don't tell lies to me
I'm not lookin' for a fantasy
I want a man that who stands beside me
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Dear God:
When I fall down, I need a helping hand.
And when I lose my head, it's cause it's always buried in the sand.
When I get stuck on myself, feelin' sorry for myself.
Will you help me grab a hold and please don't patrionize my soul.
When I start to lose control, when I get irrational, when I start to get too high,
you see me come floating by, I say
Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
Touch me in the morning sun, show me what is possible.
Touch me in the morning sun when I feel impossible, show me what is possible.
Teach me love invisible, Teach me love invincible, Teach me love invincible,
Teach me love invincible.
When youre down, you need a helping hand.
And when you lose your head, I'll help you wash away the sand.
And when you get stuck on yourself, feelin' sorry for yourself.
I will help you grab a hold and I won't patrionize your soul.
When you start to lose control, when you get irrational, when you start to get too high,
I see you come floating by, I say
Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
Touch me in the morning sun, show me what is possible.
Touch me in the morning sun when I feel impossible,
show me what is possible.
Teach me love invincible, Teach me love invincible
When we're down, we need a helping hand.
And when we lose our heads, it's cause they're always buried in the sand.
But when we get stuck on our selves, feelin' sorry for our selves.
Will you help us grab a hold and please don't patrionize our souls.
When we start to lose control, when we get irrational, when we start to get too high,
You see us come floating by, I say,
Touch us with the morning sun, when we feel impossible.
Touch us with the morning sun, show us what is possible.
Touch us in the morning sun when we feel impossible, show us what is possible.
Teach us love invinsible, teach us love invisible
Teach us love invinsible, hold us love invincible, share us love invinsible,
be us love invinsible, help us love invisible, touch us love invinsible,
breathe us love invinsible, sing it love invisible.
And when I lose my head, it's cause it's always buried in the sand.
When I get stuck on myself, feelin' sorry for myself.
Will you help me grab a hold and please don't patrionize my soul.
When I start to lose control, when I get irrational, when I start to get too high,
you see me come floating by, I say
Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
Touch me in the morning sun, show me what is possible.
Touch me in the morning sun when I feel impossible, show me what is possible.
Teach me love invisible, Teach me love invincible, Teach me love invincible,
Teach me love invincible.
When youre down, you need a helping hand.
And when you lose your head, I'll help you wash away the sand.
And when you get stuck on yourself, feelin' sorry for yourself.
I will help you grab a hold and I won't patrionize your soul.
When you start to lose control, when you get irrational, when you start to get too high,
I see you come floating by, I say
Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
Touch me in the morning sun, show me what is possible.
Touch me in the morning sun when I feel impossible,
show me what is possible.
Teach me love invincible, Teach me love invincible
When we're down, we need a helping hand.
And when we lose our heads, it's cause they're always buried in the sand.
But when we get stuck on our selves, feelin' sorry for our selves.
Will you help us grab a hold and please don't patrionize our souls.
When we start to lose control, when we get irrational, when we start to get too high,
You see us come floating by, I say,
Touch us with the morning sun, when we feel impossible.
Touch us with the morning sun, show us what is possible.
Touch us in the morning sun when we feel impossible, show us what is possible.
Teach us love invinsible, teach us love invisible
Teach us love invinsible, hold us love invincible, share us love invinsible,
be us love invinsible, help us love invisible, touch us love invinsible,
breathe us love invinsible, sing it love invisible.
Life is Beautiful
Keb' Mo'
Lets go driftin through the trees
Let's go sailing on the seaLet's go dancing on the juke-join floor
And leave our troubles all behind, have a party
So easily forgotten, are the most important things
Like the melody and the moonlight in your eyes
And a song that lasts forever
Each song getting better all the time
Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright
I get crazy, so afraid
That I might lose you some fine day
And I'll be nothing but a tired old man
And I don't wanna be without you at the party
So easily forgotten, the most important thing
Is that I love you - I do
And I want to spend my days and nights
Walking through this crazy world with you
Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright
So easily forgotten, the most important thing
Is that I love you - I do
And I want to spend my days and nights
Walking through this crazy world with you
(that's right baby)
Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright
Shining Bright
questions, things i am wondering about, things i learned tonight
1. when we put ourselves down, it is like a slap in the face to God. He made us each a masterpiece. We need to love and respect that. We are who we are because He made us that way. I need to really learn to accept that. I always think, why me? I am nothing special. who cares? But I realize that I need to work on accepting myself. Then it could be easier to accept Him.
2. I am neither inferior or superior to anyone else. God each made us a separate masterpiece.
3. Success is doing what He made us to do. whatever that may be. I need to figure it out and be successful in that.
4. MY gifts are for OTHERS. Whatever my gifts, talents, abilities are; He gave them to me to serve others.
5. I need interdependence in my life. It is ok to NEED someone and for that person to need ME in order to live His way. I dont "need" anyone in my life to survive. I can get by. But it is ok to WANT someone there for you. And it is ok to NEED someone there to help lift me up and make me a better person.
I went to a church group tonight....
and i came home, and i forgot that i gave up alcohol.
anyways, it [this church group called SHAPE - to begin your journey toward Christ] really opened my eyes to so much lately. maybe it will sound like i am preaching, but i am ok with that. maybe this journey of mine will inspire or motivate others. here is a facebook message/conversation i had tonight with someone whom i have not spoken with in years. he truly is an inspiration as he is 27 years old and survived a brain stroke. He told me tonight [not even having a conversation about God] that God only gave him what he could handle, and that God is not done with him, and that he will recover and move on. What an inspiration. Here is my response to Dave, my friend:
hey, sorry. my mom called me. my sister is getting married and we are doing so much planning for it. we were figuring out our flight info. (wedding is in florida where she lives.) i apologize to just leave you hanging. anyways, i totally agree with you about God having his plan and only giving us what we can handle. i feel bad when i get mad and stressed and cry about stuff, when i know He will see me through it all. I just started this whole journey and like i said, it is scary doing it all alone. but i have faith that He will guide me to have more acceptance. I swear though, it is so weird....like all of a sudden, since I started this journey, He has popped up in the most random places. And tonight was one of them...talking to you totally out of the blue and just you saying that about Him...kind of freaked me out. He is showing Himself to me in the oddest of places like he is hinting to me. It's fun at the same time. Im always wondering, "whats next?" Anyways, enough of me preaching. sorry. it was so good to talk to you and catch up. I'll pray for your recovery! keep in touch! Steph =)
how amazing is He? He is truly showing Himself to me in the strangest of places. I think I will start using this blog as a way to show others what I go through on this journey to gain a clearer and closer personal relationship with God. I can see His work in others and I feel like He does have a purpose for me in this life here on Earth. I just need to find that purpose. And it needs to begin with finding myself.
I am excited!
Monday, July 14, 2008
Pandora
it's my new favorite thing in the entire world.
http://pandora.com
im in a mood that i dont think i have ever been in before--at least not in a long time. i cant even describe it in words. i gave up alcohol. so maybe what i am experiencing is "real". and not some falsified feeling that the chemicals in the wine i usually have give me.
it sucks actually. im dying for a drink to forget about life for a while.
sadness
i simply hate being sad. its even worse when you are sad and you dont even know why. or what about when you DO know why, and there is nothing you can do to make it stop? i also hate mosquito bites.
On Love, In Sadness Lyrics
by Jason Mraz & Jenny Keene
Sing about that oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
Not falsified to say that I found God so
Inevitably well it still exists.
Pale and fine I can't dismiss
And I won't resist and if I die well, at least I tried
And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, rust and the rain endure.
The rust and the rain so thin
Well I'm in like Flynn again
(I'm in)
So go on place your order now cause some other time is right around the clock
You can stand in line well it finally begins oh just around the block
You can have your pick if your stomach is sick whether you eat or not
And there is just one thing that I almost forgot
Oh, see, you and me, we lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, the rivers unwind so easy
Oh, these are the comforts that be
You see, well, I'm feeling lucky oh well, maybe that's just me
Well you'd be(so)proud of me oh well, if you could only see
How we're gonna grow on up to be,
Ah yes we are thick as thieves
Sing about that oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
It's not falsified to say that I found God so
Inevitably, well it still exists so pale and fine I can't dismiss
And I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried
And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind and the rust and the rain endure
The rust and the rain endure, I'm sure.
Because I'm insofar to know the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be-
Insofar to know, the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be-
Insofar to know, the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be lost on me
Oh not tonight, said love will never ever be lost on me.
(Love will...) never ever be lost on me
(Love) will not be
Love will never be lost on me
Love...will...not...be...lost..on...me.
by Jason Mraz & Jenny Keene
Sing about that oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
Not falsified to say that I found God so
Inevitably well it still exists.
Pale and fine I can't dismiss
And I won't resist and if I die well, at least I tried
And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, rust and the rain endure.
The rust and the rain so thin
Well I'm in like Flynn again
(I'm in)
So go on place your order now cause some other time is right around the clock
You can stand in line well it finally begins oh just around the block
You can have your pick if your stomach is sick whether you eat or not
And there is just one thing that I almost forgot
Oh, see, you and me, we lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, the rivers unwind so easy
Oh, these are the comforts that be
You see, well, I'm feeling lucky oh well, maybe that's just me
Well you'd be(so)proud of me oh well, if you could only see
How we're gonna grow on up to be,
Ah yes we are thick as thieves
Sing about that oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
It's not falsified to say that I found God so
Inevitably, well it still exists so pale and fine I can't dismiss
And I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried
And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind and the rust and the rain endure
The rust and the rain endure, I'm sure.
Because I'm insofar to know the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be-
Insofar to know, the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be-
Insofar to know, the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be lost on me
Oh not tonight, said love will never ever be lost on me.
(Love will...) never ever be lost on me
(Love) will not be
Love will never be lost on me
Love...will...not...be...lost..on...me.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Lyrics
I truly think I have been genuinely been in love--true love, the real thing, LOVE, with three people in my life. I deleted all three of their numbers in my phone tonight.
RASCAL FLATTS LYRICS - WINNER AT A LOSING GAME LYRICS
Baby, look here at me
Have you ever seen me this way
I’ve been fumbling for words
Through the tears and the hurt and the pain
I’m gonna lay it all out
On the line tonight
And I think that it’s time
To tell this uphill fight goodbye
Have you ever had to love someone
That just don’t feel the same
Tryin’ to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin’ to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game
I know that baby, you tried
To find me somewhere inside of you
But you know you can’t lie
Girl, you can’t hide the truth
Sometimes two hearts
Just can’t dance to the same beat
So I’ll pack up my things
And I’ll take what remains of me
Have you ever had to love someone
That just don’t feel the same
Tryin’ to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin’ to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game
I know that I’ll never be the man that you need
or love
Yeah baby, it’s killin’ me to stand here and see
I’m not what you’ve been dreamin’ of
Have you ever had to love someone
That just don’t feel the same
Tryin’ to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin’ to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game
Oh, oh, if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game
Ooo, I’m tired of losing
Oh oh ooh
RASCAL FLATTS LYRICS - WINNER AT A LOSING GAME LYRICS
Baby, look here at me
Have you ever seen me this way
I’ve been fumbling for words
Through the tears and the hurt and the pain
I’m gonna lay it all out
On the line tonight
And I think that it’s time
To tell this uphill fight goodbye
Have you ever had to love someone
That just don’t feel the same
Tryin’ to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin’ to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game
I know that baby, you tried
To find me somewhere inside of you
But you know you can’t lie
Girl, you can’t hide the truth
Sometimes two hearts
Just can’t dance to the same beat
So I’ll pack up my things
And I’ll take what remains of me
Have you ever had to love someone
That just don’t feel the same
Tryin’ to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin’ to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game
I know that I’ll never be the man that you need
or love
Yeah baby, it’s killin’ me to stand here and see
I’m not what you’ve been dreamin’ of
Have you ever had to love someone
That just don’t feel the same
Tryin’ to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin’ to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game
Oh, oh, if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game
Ooo, I’m tired of losing
Oh oh ooh
Email that I Wrote Tonight....
Hi ladies!
How is your summer going? Hope it's going well! I just got back from San Antonio and I had so much fun at the Alpha Gamma Delta Convention! I cannot wait to get started advising the chapter at Central Michigan! I learned a lot and am excited to get back into my roots of the sorority life. I just realized why it was I joined that sorority and the impact I can have on other young women. Thanks to those of you who donated to the walk I participated in. I tried running most of it, but a night of karaoke + 90 degree weather at 6am that morning prevented me from running all of it. I have pictures! Oh, and....I ended up winning a huge Williams Sonoma kitchen gift set from raising over $300!!!!! Not my $1000 goal, but still awesome. Overall, together everyone raised $24,000 for American Diabetes Association! How cool!!!!!
On another note, I need some prayers:
(Some of you know this story....) My uncle passed away yesterday. He was an awesome man who lived a looooooong life. It was expected and I know God called him home to finally be with his family. He lived in Hungary during the Communist Revolution, and when he was about 8 years old, he came home from school and his house had been bombed. He found his parents and siblings in the house. Everyone was dead. He grew up with his cousins and came to the US where he met my aunt, and fell in love with her the instant he saw her. When she was sent to a nunnery (she was wild!) he wrote her love letters every single day! The last time I saw him, we sat around the dining room table and he could tell me to this day what she wore the first time they met at a "Hungarian Dance." He was the ideal man. I hope someday I can find someone who is that in love with me. Better yet, I hope someday that feeling is mutual. It was his time, but my aunt is so upset, as anyone would be. He was her life. Please pray for her, as we all know Uncle Alex is in a better place. My Aunt Judy is here without the love of her life.
Me. I am a mess. Ha. I hate writing mass emails like this that are all sappy and stuff, but sometimes I think I was brought to Michigan if not for anything else, than to meet great amazing ladies like you who make a huge impact on my life. It upsets me that I cannot talk to my mom about this. She has enough on her plate with my brother, dad, and planning for my sisters wedding back home. The last thing she needs is her middle child having a quarter-life crisis and breaking down. Oops, now I realize you all have the same issues! Sorry...I'll go on anyways....I cannot talk to my parents, as I feel like I do so much to try to impress them, even though they have no idea what all I do. Explaining this to them would just make them feel like they messed up,or make me feel like I am upsetting them. Whichever, I will not talk to my parents about this.
First of all, I am desperate for love. ha...I know I cannot rush it. I know my time will come. I need to give it time. I think I did the first step to moving out of living in the past. I deleted all the numbers of guys in my phone who I have had some connection with and who have brought me down in some way. I know this one guy who is just simply amazing. He loves me. I wish I felt the same way. I know EXACTLY what it is like to be in love with someone and not have that same feeling back towards you. It sucks. And you just wish it could be reciprocated. But how can you force something? I had a great talk tonight with a good friend. He really got to me tonight. He really opened up to me and tried to get me to talk, but when things got really serious in our conversation, and I began to cry (well just tear up), I just got up and left. PROBLEMS. When Im scared, I just run. Avoid it totally. Crying, to me, is a sign of weakness, and I try not to let people see me cry. I want to be strong.
I cannot fall back into the same pattern of always having someone there for me. I need to take it slow and I need to take time for myself. I got all sappy and began to cry, and told him I had to go and just left. Ha. ooops!
I am just so sick of everyone else being so happy in love. I am so jealous of all of you and your relationships. But when my time comes, I just want it to be RIGHT. I just want that feeling of just "knowing its right." If I am tied down, who knows if I will ever find it???
I have been going to church and even an "age group" meeting on Tuesdays, and finding out that I am having the hardest time with the three following things: believing, forgiving, and accepting the truth. Believing in God, Forgiving XXXX and myself for whatever I did to mess up that relationship, Accepting the truth that its ok to mess up and make mistakes and accepting the truth of how things are. But I think I need more than church. I cannot seem to find peace.
What makes me the happiest is doing things for other people. Not myself. To me, that is being selfish, but I dont think that I am truly happy. And I enjoy making others happy. But if I cannot make myself happy, will I ever find peace? If you asked me what happiness is, I dont think I could answer except by saying that its seeing others happy. I do not know what happiness is.
Like I said, I am a mess. When school is in session, I dont have time to think and I waste my time coming up with (what I think are...) cool lesson plans. Now I have all this free time and try to figure my life out. But I just cannot seem to do it. I know its not something that happens in a day, or a month. But you all seem just so put together and "know" what it is that makes you who you are in life. I feel like I have been searching and searching for YEARS and I still come back to nothing! I feel like I have a lot to offer people, but cant seem to figure out the most basic thing in life...who I am. And why dont people want to be with me? Does that make any sense? I feel like I am being WAAAAAAAAY too deep with you all, and I apologize.
It's just been a rough night...starting with the realization that guys in my past who I have been holding on to do not want to be with me, to someone really getting me to open up, to the wine I bought to make myself feel better (i know...its another problem....)
It took a lot for me to open up to you guys, and I am sitting here crying for no reason because of it. I know we each have our problems, and I am sorry to lay this all on you. You really do not need to worry about me...I have gotten along just fine on my own for so long now. But I feel like right now I really need some advice or suggestions. I really do not know what I am asking you for.
Maybe just a prayer that I will figure things out in my life. Or that I will find happiness. I think the reason I can never stay with someone is because I do not open up to those people who are really there for me. I saw that with my friend tonight. He tried to get me to open up, as a few others have tried, but I just cannot seem to do it. Maybe I need to try and maybe I will find that happiness??? So much easier said than done.
I am tired, and I am sorry for this huge long email. I wish life was easy.
How is your summer going? Hope it's going well! I just got back from San Antonio and I had so much fun at the Alpha Gamma Delta Convention! I cannot wait to get started advising the chapter at Central Michigan! I learned a lot and am excited to get back into my roots of the sorority life. I just realized why it was I joined that sorority and the impact I can have on other young women. Thanks to those of you who donated to the walk I participated in. I tried running most of it, but a night of karaoke + 90 degree weather at 6am that morning prevented me from running all of it. I have pictures! Oh, and....I ended up winning a huge Williams Sonoma kitchen gift set from raising over $300!!!!! Not my $1000 goal, but still awesome. Overall, together everyone raised $24,000 for American Diabetes Association! How cool!!!!!
On another note, I need some prayers:
(Some of you know this story....) My uncle passed away yesterday. He was an awesome man who lived a looooooong life. It was expected and I know God called him home to finally be with his family. He lived in Hungary during the Communist Revolution, and when he was about 8 years old, he came home from school and his house had been bombed. He found his parents and siblings in the house. Everyone was dead. He grew up with his cousins and came to the US where he met my aunt, and fell in love with her the instant he saw her. When she was sent to a nunnery (she was wild!) he wrote her love letters every single day! The last time I saw him, we sat around the dining room table and he could tell me to this day what she wore the first time they met at a "Hungarian Dance." He was the ideal man. I hope someday I can find someone who is that in love with me. Better yet, I hope someday that feeling is mutual. It was his time, but my aunt is so upset, as anyone would be. He was her life. Please pray for her, as we all know Uncle Alex is in a better place. My Aunt Judy is here without the love of her life.
Me. I am a mess. Ha. I hate writing mass emails like this that are all sappy and stuff, but sometimes I think I was brought to Michigan if not for anything else, than to meet great amazing ladies like you who make a huge impact on my life. It upsets me that I cannot talk to my mom about this. She has enough on her plate with my brother, dad, and planning for my sisters wedding back home. The last thing she needs is her middle child having a quarter-life crisis and breaking down. Oops, now I realize you all have the same issues! Sorry...I'll go on anyways....I cannot talk to my parents, as I feel like I do so much to try to impress them, even though they have no idea what all I do. Explaining this to them would just make them feel like they messed up,or make me feel like I am upsetting them. Whichever, I will not talk to my parents about this.
First of all, I am desperate for love. ha...I know I cannot rush it. I know my time will come. I need to give it time. I think I did the first step to moving out of living in the past. I deleted all the numbers of guys in my phone who I have had some connection with and who have brought me down in some way. I know this one guy who is just simply amazing. He loves me. I wish I felt the same way. I know EXACTLY what it is like to be in love with someone and not have that same feeling back towards you. It sucks. And you just wish it could be reciprocated. But how can you force something? I had a great talk tonight with a good friend. He really got to me tonight. He really opened up to me and tried to get me to talk, but when things got really serious in our conversation, and I began to cry (well just tear up), I just got up and left. PROBLEMS. When Im scared, I just run. Avoid it totally. Crying, to me, is a sign of weakness, and I try not to let people see me cry. I want to be strong.
I cannot fall back into the same pattern of always having someone there for me. I need to take it slow and I need to take time for myself. I got all sappy and began to cry, and told him I had to go and just left. Ha. ooops!
I am just so sick of everyone else being so happy in love. I am so jealous of all of you and your relationships. But when my time comes, I just want it to be RIGHT. I just want that feeling of just "knowing its right." If I am tied down, who knows if I will ever find it???
I have been going to church and even an "age group" meeting on Tuesdays, and finding out that I am having the hardest time with the three following things: believing, forgiving, and accepting the truth. Believing in God, Forgiving XXXX and myself for whatever I did to mess up that relationship, Accepting the truth that its ok to mess up and make mistakes and accepting the truth of how things are. But I think I need more than church. I cannot seem to find peace.
What makes me the happiest is doing things for other people. Not myself. To me, that is being selfish, but I dont think that I am truly happy. And I enjoy making others happy. But if I cannot make myself happy, will I ever find peace? If you asked me what happiness is, I dont think I could answer except by saying that its seeing others happy. I do not know what happiness is.
Like I said, I am a mess. When school is in session, I dont have time to think and I waste my time coming up with (what I think are...) cool lesson plans. Now I have all this free time and try to figure my life out. But I just cannot seem to do it. I know its not something that happens in a day, or a month. But you all seem just so put together and "know" what it is that makes you who you are in life. I feel like I have been searching and searching for YEARS and I still come back to nothing! I feel like I have a lot to offer people, but cant seem to figure out the most basic thing in life...who I am. And why dont people want to be with me? Does that make any sense? I feel like I am being WAAAAAAAAY too deep with you all, and I apologize.
It's just been a rough night...starting with the realization that guys in my past who I have been holding on to do not want to be with me, to someone really getting me to open up, to the wine I bought to make myself feel better (i know...its another problem....)
It took a lot for me to open up to you guys, and I am sitting here crying for no reason because of it. I know we each have our problems, and I am sorry to lay this all on you. You really do not need to worry about me...I have gotten along just fine on my own for so long now. But I feel like right now I really need some advice or suggestions. I really do not know what I am asking you for.
Maybe just a prayer that I will figure things out in my life. Or that I will find happiness. I think the reason I can never stay with someone is because I do not open up to those people who are really there for me. I saw that with my friend tonight. He tried to get me to open up, as a few others have tried, but I just cannot seem to do it. Maybe I need to try and maybe I will find that happiness??? So much easier said than done.
I am tired, and I am sorry for this huge long email. I wish life was easy.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
untitled
i have not felt this way in a long time.
i am not even sure what i call this feeling that i have.
i am not sure what others call it.
i am not even sure what i call this feeling that i have.
i am not sure what others call it.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
again
it's almost been another whole year since i wrote on this. that basically sums up the past two years of my life...being trapped, thinking i was in love, engaged, then cheated on. i could not write for two years of my life. i felt as though someone was always looking over my shoulder.
ironic then, that i post my thoughts on a site which anyone and everyone can choose to read.
im happy. i am finally happy in my life. i know now that i can answer the question i ask myself and everyone i usually have a conversation with. "what is happiness?" "what makes you happy?"
i know now. i just want someone to ask me.
ironic then, that i post my thoughts on a site which anyone and everyone can choose to read.
im happy. i am finally happy in my life. i know now that i can answer the question i ask myself and everyone i usually have a conversation with. "what is happiness?" "what makes you happy?"
i know now. i just want someone to ask me.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Songs to remind you
Jason Mraz: You And I Both
"Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now,
Oh love, no
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore, mmm...And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free
And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words."
Its ironic how some songs just bring you back. i have been meaning to write about this for a while now, and i am only now sitting down to do it. what gets me the most about this song is that the person it reminds me of, well he and i never even listened to it together...ever. but part of me knows that he at one time liked this song.
the person this song reminds me of, i have held hatred towards for awhile. he cheated on me and [what i considered] treated me like shit when we dated back in college. we have tried to be friends again on and off, and it never seemed to work. lately i think about him. not in a romantic relationship way, but just in general whenever i contemplate the hardships of relationships. i sometimes wonder where we went wrong. but then i know how it happened.
like always, i was not happy in that relationship and i cant even tell you why. looking back, i can truly see his heart and how much love he had for me. and that is why it is so strange to me that i can accept the fact that he cheated on me as much as he did. [he, and his future girlfriend had both come clean about him cheating on me, so i do know for sure that he did. gotta give them some credit for honesty.] i have finally and truly in my heart forgiven him for cheating on me and treating me the way he did. it was not that bad of a bad relationship after all.
sure, there were those few times when he got so drunk he scared me. but it was college. maybe i make up excuses just so i can see the good, or "better" in people. and if i do, then so be it. it works for me. but in all reality, i forgive this person. i was so tired of hating and being mad and looking for ways to get back at him.
he once sent this to me, and i still ponder what it could mean:
"if i told you how i'm feeling...and how my heart was always reeling....and maybe you could understand me a little better........if i was to write a letter. and maybe you would understand me a little better..."
"well i found myself face down in a ditch; with booze in hair and blood on my lips; and a picture of you holding a picture of me; in the pocket of my blue my jeans.....i still don't know what love means"-RL
part of me knows that he holds a place for me in his heart, as do i. we had a fun and wild relationship while it lasted. those were some of the best days of my life in college. and i owe a lot to him. i see myself with him, and i see myself growing as a person back then. and i have him to thank for that.
looking back i hated myself for loving him at the time we were together. and then i loved to hate him after we broke up. that makes it sound like i never did love him at all, but i did. at the time we were together i made myself unhappy with him for whatever reason. but then after we broke up, i put so much love into him still--just in the wrong ways. i loved to hate him.
that may not make much sense, but when you read once again out loud, it does. all in all, the point of this blog was just to come clean and admit we were both wrong for some of the things we did. he said a lot of mean things to me, but i probably egged him on and on.
sometimes i think where we would be today. but in my heart i am sure that we would not have lasted. nothing personal to him or myself, but i just didnt see my future with him in it. i think about where we could have gone in our relationship. i think we both know that had we toughed it out a bit more, we could have made a really strong couple built on a great relationship. i also think that at that time, though, we were young and foolish. we were neither sure of ourselves, nor each other, nor our lives at the time. we were just two stupid confused young adults thinking we knew it all about love and life. we were wrong, but really in love at heart.
he was actually one of the best and worst relationships i have ever been in. i learned a lot from him and grew up somewhat. i have him to thank for that.
SO...going back to this song....i hear it and immediately think of him. is that wrong? each and every word in this song is "our" relationship from the time we met, to today, even though we dont talk. i think its a sweet song to represent what we had at one time. he said mean things to me, but he also wrote me very sweet things once in a while, or he told them to me at least. and i once took all his words to heart, and somehow ironically, i still do.
"awww, baby talk."
"Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now,
Oh love, no
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore, mmm...And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free
And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words."
Its ironic how some songs just bring you back. i have been meaning to write about this for a while now, and i am only now sitting down to do it. what gets me the most about this song is that the person it reminds me of, well he and i never even listened to it together...ever. but part of me knows that he at one time liked this song.
the person this song reminds me of, i have held hatred towards for awhile. he cheated on me and [what i considered] treated me like shit when we dated back in college. we have tried to be friends again on and off, and it never seemed to work. lately i think about him. not in a romantic relationship way, but just in general whenever i contemplate the hardships of relationships. i sometimes wonder where we went wrong. but then i know how it happened.
like always, i was not happy in that relationship and i cant even tell you why. looking back, i can truly see his heart and how much love he had for me. and that is why it is so strange to me that i can accept the fact that he cheated on me as much as he did. [he, and his future girlfriend had both come clean about him cheating on me, so i do know for sure that he did. gotta give them some credit for honesty.] i have finally and truly in my heart forgiven him for cheating on me and treating me the way he did. it was not that bad of a bad relationship after all.
sure, there were those few times when he got so drunk he scared me. but it was college. maybe i make up excuses just so i can see the good, or "better" in people. and if i do, then so be it. it works for me. but in all reality, i forgive this person. i was so tired of hating and being mad and looking for ways to get back at him.
he once sent this to me, and i still ponder what it could mean:
"if i told you how i'm feeling...and how my heart was always reeling....and maybe you could understand me a little better........if i was to write a letter. and maybe you would understand me a little better..."
"well i found myself face down in a ditch; with booze in hair and blood on my lips; and a picture of you holding a picture of me; in the pocket of my blue my jeans.....i still don't know what love means"-RL
part of me knows that he holds a place for me in his heart, as do i. we had a fun and wild relationship while it lasted. those were some of the best days of my life in college. and i owe a lot to him. i see myself with him, and i see myself growing as a person back then. and i have him to thank for that.
looking back i hated myself for loving him at the time we were together. and then i loved to hate him after we broke up. that makes it sound like i never did love him at all, but i did. at the time we were together i made myself unhappy with him for whatever reason. but then after we broke up, i put so much love into him still--just in the wrong ways. i loved to hate him.
that may not make much sense, but when you read once again out loud, it does. all in all, the point of this blog was just to come clean and admit we were both wrong for some of the things we did. he said a lot of mean things to me, but i probably egged him on and on.
sometimes i think where we would be today. but in my heart i am sure that we would not have lasted. nothing personal to him or myself, but i just didnt see my future with him in it. i think about where we could have gone in our relationship. i think we both know that had we toughed it out a bit more, we could have made a really strong couple built on a great relationship. i also think that at that time, though, we were young and foolish. we were neither sure of ourselves, nor each other, nor our lives at the time. we were just two stupid confused young adults thinking we knew it all about love and life. we were wrong, but really in love at heart.
he was actually one of the best and worst relationships i have ever been in. i learned a lot from him and grew up somewhat. i have him to thank for that.
SO...going back to this song....i hear it and immediately think of him. is that wrong? each and every word in this song is "our" relationship from the time we met, to today, even though we dont talk. i think its a sweet song to represent what we had at one time. he said mean things to me, but he also wrote me very sweet things once in a while, or he told them to me at least. and i once took all his words to heart, and somehow ironically, i still do.
"awww, baby talk."
its been over one year now
wow. its been over a year since i last wrote on here and i dont even know where to begin with where my life has taken me. i have had my ups and downs, thats for sure. i have so much to say, and just no energy to tell it all. i guess that should say enough about how i am these days.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
its been a while
its been so long. soooo long. so much has changed in my life since the last time i wrote on here. i moved to michigan. i let go of brian. (did i?) i found someone new, i think. i fell in love with kenny chesney, dierks bentley, and keith urban. i still drink alone. i still miss my purdue days.
i tried to blog about two weeks ago but my computer hated life and i couldnt. and i had so much to say too. but now i forgot about all that i wanted to say, and it lost its importance, so now im back here, just bored.
tonight i blog because i drink alone. i think i got my heart broken tonight. but thats just life. i am not going to discuss that issue, because it should not rule my life. however, i have nothing else to think or write about, so i guess this is it. after all....
i tried to blog about two weeks ago but my computer hated life and i couldnt. and i had so much to say too. but now i forgot about all that i wanted to say, and it lost its importance, so now im back here, just bored.
tonight i blog because i drink alone. i think i got my heart broken tonight. but thats just life. i am not going to discuss that issue, because it should not rule my life. however, i have nothing else to think or write about, so i guess this is it. after all....
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
one of the best conversations....
one of the best conversations and i dont know why. but i had this one tonight with who else but amy j, and it just made me think:
VanSteph2: i miss college.
AmyDMB1: me too
VanSteph2: i was just thinking about like...id be at where else right now, or doing something more fun than this, or getting a den pop, or in the bum, or....
VanSteph2: and i just kinda want to go back, right now.
AmyDMB1: yep i know
AmyDMB1: we cant though
AmyDMB1: and anyway, its not the same as we remember you know
AmyDMB1: i always think i miss it but if i was back there, it wouldnt be fun
AmyDMB1: all my friends are gone
VanSteph2: true...i guess i miss college when it was normall...
VanSteph2: like i miss college when we were all there.
VanSteph2: like...i dont miss purdue...i mean i do...but i guess its more right to say i miss "college" or the "college years"
VanSteph2: than to say "i miss purdue"
AmyDMB1: yeah i know
VanSteph2: bc i can always go back there, but it will never be the same as how i remember it.
AmyDMB1: i regret graduating
VanSteph2: me too.
VanSteph2: i want it to be like the year 2002
VanSteph2: or even 2003
VanSteph2: 2003 is better. haha
VanSteph2: i wasnt with **** then.
AmyDMB1: yeah dang
AmyDMB1: i wish we could go back
VanSteph2: me too.
VanSteph2: time travel, haha.
VanSteph2: and even though its annoying, i miss agd too.
VanSteph2: it was a good time.
VanSteph2: and the bus, and going out. hahaha, even when werent 21...and just went to apt./house parties.lol
AmyDMB1: haha yep
this just made me think, how much i truly miss college. i wish i could go back in time, literally, and do it all over again. if i could...i wouldnt change a thing either. but if i could change a few things...i know what they would be.... ;)
VanSteph2: i miss college.
AmyDMB1: me too
VanSteph2: i was just thinking about like...id be at where else right now, or doing something more fun than this, or getting a den pop, or in the bum, or....
VanSteph2: and i just kinda want to go back, right now.
AmyDMB1: yep i know
AmyDMB1: we cant though
AmyDMB1: and anyway, its not the same as we remember you know
AmyDMB1: i always think i miss it but if i was back there, it wouldnt be fun
AmyDMB1: all my friends are gone
VanSteph2: true...i guess i miss college when it was normall...
VanSteph2: like i miss college when we were all there.
VanSteph2: like...i dont miss purdue...i mean i do...but i guess its more right to say i miss "college" or the "college years"
VanSteph2: than to say "i miss purdue"
AmyDMB1: yeah i know
VanSteph2: bc i can always go back there, but it will never be the same as how i remember it.
AmyDMB1: i regret graduating
VanSteph2: me too.
VanSteph2: i want it to be like the year 2002
VanSteph2: or even 2003
VanSteph2: 2003 is better. haha
VanSteph2: i wasnt with **** then.
AmyDMB1: yeah dang
AmyDMB1: i wish we could go back
VanSteph2: me too.
VanSteph2: time travel, haha.
VanSteph2: and even though its annoying, i miss agd too.
VanSteph2: it was a good time.
VanSteph2: and the bus, and going out. hahaha, even when werent 21...and just went to apt./house parties.lol
AmyDMB1: haha yep
this just made me think, how much i truly miss college. i wish i could go back in time, literally, and do it all over again. if i could...i wouldnt change a thing either. but if i could change a few things...i know what they would be.... ;)
Saturday, February 19, 2005
there are those
there are those that you love. and then there are those that you love.
there are those that you love at the time, and there are those that you love forever. there are those that you love at the moment, and there are those that you love for an eternity. there are those that you love when you are young, and there are those that you want to love when you are old. there are those that you love when you are childish, and there are those that you love and want to grow old with. there are those that you will always love, and there are those that you will always love until you die and afterwards. there are those you love and dream about being with, and there are those you dream about being in love with. there are those that you know will make you happy, and there are those who already do. there are those who you once loved, and there are those who you still do. there are those who you were once in love with, and there are those who you will always be in love with. there are those who loved you and those who still do. there are those who loved you at one time and always will. there are those who you think about each day, and there are those who think about you each day. there are those who you think about each day that you are in love with, and there are those who you think about each day that you think you are in love. there are those who touched your life once, and there are those who will touch your life forever. there are those who you cant be without, and there are those who cant be without you. there are those who you choose to have to live without, and there are those who choose to live without you. there are those who you know you are meant to be together, and there are those who know the same. there are those who you think you are meant to be together, and there are those who prove you wrong. there are those who you will find again one day, and there are those who you already lost. there are those who you will find one day, and there are those who are also looking for you. there are those whose love you know is so wrong, and there are those whose love you know is so right. there are those that care about the rightness of the love, and there are those that care more about the wrongness. there are those whose love is forever, and there is those whose love is continously. there are those who love you, and there are those who love you more. there are those who you love, and there are those who you love more. there are those that you want to be with, and there are those who you know you can be with. there are those who you want to be with, and there are those who you choose to be with. there are those who you want to be with, and there are those who want you back. there are those who you love and want to be with, and there are those who you love and cant be with you. there is that one person who loves you, and there is that one person back who you love back.
there are those that you love at the time, and there are those that you love forever. there are those that you love at the moment, and there are those that you love for an eternity. there are those that you love when you are young, and there are those that you want to love when you are old. there are those that you love when you are childish, and there are those that you love and want to grow old with. there are those that you will always love, and there are those that you will always love until you die and afterwards. there are those you love and dream about being with, and there are those you dream about being in love with. there are those that you know will make you happy, and there are those who already do. there are those who you once loved, and there are those who you still do. there are those who you were once in love with, and there are those who you will always be in love with. there are those who loved you and those who still do. there are those who loved you at one time and always will. there are those who you think about each day, and there are those who think about you each day. there are those who you think about each day that you are in love with, and there are those who you think about each day that you think you are in love. there are those who touched your life once, and there are those who will touch your life forever. there are those who you cant be without, and there are those who cant be without you. there are those who you choose to have to live without, and there are those who choose to live without you. there are those who you know you are meant to be together, and there are those who know the same. there are those who you think you are meant to be together, and there are those who prove you wrong. there are those who you will find again one day, and there are those who you already lost. there are those who you will find one day, and there are those who are also looking for you. there are those whose love you know is so wrong, and there are those whose love you know is so right. there are those that care about the rightness of the love, and there are those that care more about the wrongness. there are those whose love is forever, and there is those whose love is continously. there are those who love you, and there are those who love you more. there are those who you love, and there are those who you love more. there are those that you want to be with, and there are those who you know you can be with. there are those who you want to be with, and there are those who you choose to be with. there are those who you want to be with, and there are those who want you back. there are those who you love and want to be with, and there are those who you love and cant be with you. there is that one person who loves you, and there is that one person back who you love back.
Monday, February 14, 2005
quote
someone once wrote this quote for me: i believe it was originally said/written by H.D. Thoreau:
"Not til we are lost, in other words, not til we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the value of our relationships."
now i think the "real" quote is a bit different. however, the context in which this was said to me was a bit strange. regardless, i am still coming to terms with what this quote means. i mean, i know what it means, but i am searching for some other hidden meaning. i feel as though i am struggling to get something else out of this, rather than just the following:
we cannot really and truly figure out who we are as a person [both to ourselves and others], and we cannot realize how important our relationships with others are and how much they are worth, until we first lose it all [not til we have lost the world...everything that has meaning to us. or not til the world loses us...]
its like, "you dont know what youve got til its gone" type of saying. and unless i really cant find the other meaning, i feel as though this quote sucks. i mean, i could have told you this!! dont we all know that REALLY knowing...who we are, or just anything...can only TRULY be found when we start from ground zero?
"Not til we are lost, in other words, not til we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the value of our relationships."
now i think the "real" quote is a bit different. however, the context in which this was said to me was a bit strange. regardless, i am still coming to terms with what this quote means. i mean, i know what it means, but i am searching for some other hidden meaning. i feel as though i am struggling to get something else out of this, rather than just the following:
we cannot really and truly figure out who we are as a person [both to ourselves and others], and we cannot realize how important our relationships with others are and how much they are worth, until we first lose it all [not til we have lost the world...everything that has meaning to us. or not til the world loses us...]
its like, "you dont know what youve got til its gone" type of saying. and unless i really cant find the other meaning, i feel as though this quote sucks. i mean, i could have told you this!! dont we all know that REALLY knowing...who we are, or just anything...can only TRULY be found when we start from ground zero?
what is it about spring?
february is almost over already. what happened to it? march is marching right down street and before we know it, i will be writing about how much i love the first warm rain in spring.
what is it about spring?
what is it about the changing of seasons? what is it about spring that we, or at least i, love so much. and i know others agree with me. what is it about spring that makes us love? what is it about spring that makes you want to have a picnic and go on walks? what is it about spring that makes you want to be outside? what is it about spring that makes you want to be in love?
spring makes me want to go back to high school. it makes me want to re-live those days in highschool...baseball season, soccer, spring in highschool was almost the most fun. spring makes me want to go back in time.
why is it that alcohol has to be an influence to make me want to write on this blogger shit? the last um....10 posts probably have all been me under some sort of influence. how sad. i feel like none of these make any sense. they do to me at least in my head. whatever, i really dont care. i have not once went back to even read these. maybe i did once. but so nowadays, i dont even know what i had said last month, or the month before.
someone told me that my blogs are histarical and pathetic. in fact, i think i can quote directly; "your blogs are the most pathetic thing i have ever seen." and its so funny, because i really didnt care what s/he thought. the best part, was that s/he told me this out of nowhere, like i had asked about it, and another great fact was that s/he read all of them before s/he was able to tell me that, so i got the last laugh at that one. thanks for taking the time to read them at least. who says that anyways? out of nowhere? the last best part is that s/he read them all to begin with, without any force or asking of, and even though s/he thought they were so stupid, s/he will more than likely read this blog and see this shout-out specifically pointed out to her/him, and know that i am talking about him/her. hahaha. cracks me up.
on another note...do people just randomly stalk others on this blog shit? because i have a comment on one i guess, from someone i dont have any relation to, or even know...at all. so who does that? who has nothing else to do, than to look up random peoples' blogs and respond? i think its rather creepy. i really dont care if anyone looks at this, but i especially dont care if people respond. and while i guess its a bit flattering that someone took the time to read what i had to say, and i appreciate it, i think i have done a good job of really NOT advertising this to people. not that i dont want others to read it, but i dont want people just being bored and reading this...people i dont know. why? its creepy. dont you have something else to do? at least if i tell my friends about it and people who i know read it, thats one thing. but not randoms. thats creepy. i know i dont sit around and search strangers' blogs. if you do, cool. thats your thing, but it certainly isnt mine. not that im better than you, but come on...honestly...find something else to do with your life.
im not bitter. im really not. in fact im really happy lately. extremely happy actually. i have been finding a new way to appreciate life. in all forms. thats something else i will have to write about some other time im drunk. lets just put it like this: i have come to appreciate people. people of all forms, races, colors, ages, religions, etc. i love people. i come to realize that my life is my life. i believe in god, and destiny, and fate, all at the same time. i believe that i have a role and can play a part in that life, destiny, and fate. i believe in myself and what i can do. i believe in others...even when they suck. i believe in others when they dont know what they are talking about, but are sure that they do. because they probably believe in themselves. i believe in people that dont know other people but hurt them anyways--because i have seen it and felt it. i believe in the strength that i have. i believe that you can love more than one person throughout life. and sometimes those loves may overlap and sometimes they will clash. sometimes love is hurtful. but i do believe that you should only have one BEST love. i believe that you can do anything you really want to do, but it will be hard and strenuous, and annoying. i believe that i will be on stage before i know it. i believe that my screenplay will be amazing. i believe that someday i will be a really awesome teacher. i believe that life is great. this might be hell on earth, but at least we need to make the best of it. i believe that we can all make a difference. i believe that im making a lot of cliches and sounding like an idiot, but im drunk so its fine. but its these small things that i believe in that make my life a whole lot better. these are the things that make me happy. these are the things that have made my life happy. they have made me a lot happier. my friends make me happy. my "friends" who are my real friends. and even those who are just acquaintances. i am happy. i am happy in love. i am happy in life. i am not happy in myself, but thats once again another blog waiting to be written... but i am happy. for the most part.
what is it about spring?
what is it about the changing of seasons? what is it about spring that we, or at least i, love so much. and i know others agree with me. what is it about spring that makes us love? what is it about spring that makes you want to have a picnic and go on walks? what is it about spring that makes you want to be outside? what is it about spring that makes you want to be in love?
spring makes me want to go back to high school. it makes me want to re-live those days in highschool...baseball season, soccer, spring in highschool was almost the most fun. spring makes me want to go back in time.
why is it that alcohol has to be an influence to make me want to write on this blogger shit? the last um....10 posts probably have all been me under some sort of influence. how sad. i feel like none of these make any sense. they do to me at least in my head. whatever, i really dont care. i have not once went back to even read these. maybe i did once. but so nowadays, i dont even know what i had said last month, or the month before.
someone told me that my blogs are histarical and pathetic. in fact, i think i can quote directly; "your blogs are the most pathetic thing i have ever seen." and its so funny, because i really didnt care what s/he thought. the best part, was that s/he told me this out of nowhere, like i had asked about it, and another great fact was that s/he read all of them before s/he was able to tell me that, so i got the last laugh at that one. thanks for taking the time to read them at least. who says that anyways? out of nowhere? the last best part is that s/he read them all to begin with, without any force or asking of, and even though s/he thought they were so stupid, s/he will more than likely read this blog and see this shout-out specifically pointed out to her/him, and know that i am talking about him/her. hahaha. cracks me up.
on another note...do people just randomly stalk others on this blog shit? because i have a comment on one i guess, from someone i dont have any relation to, or even know...at all. so who does that? who has nothing else to do, than to look up random peoples' blogs and respond? i think its rather creepy. i really dont care if anyone looks at this, but i especially dont care if people respond. and while i guess its a bit flattering that someone took the time to read what i had to say, and i appreciate it, i think i have done a good job of really NOT advertising this to people. not that i dont want others to read it, but i dont want people just being bored and reading this...people i dont know. why? its creepy. dont you have something else to do? at least if i tell my friends about it and people who i know read it, thats one thing. but not randoms. thats creepy. i know i dont sit around and search strangers' blogs. if you do, cool. thats your thing, but it certainly isnt mine. not that im better than you, but come on...honestly...find something else to do with your life.
im not bitter. im really not. in fact im really happy lately. extremely happy actually. i have been finding a new way to appreciate life. in all forms. thats something else i will have to write about some other time im drunk. lets just put it like this: i have come to appreciate people. people of all forms, races, colors, ages, religions, etc. i love people. i come to realize that my life is my life. i believe in god, and destiny, and fate, all at the same time. i believe that i have a role and can play a part in that life, destiny, and fate. i believe in myself and what i can do. i believe in others...even when they suck. i believe in others when they dont know what they are talking about, but are sure that they do. because they probably believe in themselves. i believe in people that dont know other people but hurt them anyways--because i have seen it and felt it. i believe in the strength that i have. i believe that you can love more than one person throughout life. and sometimes those loves may overlap and sometimes they will clash. sometimes love is hurtful. but i do believe that you should only have one BEST love. i believe that you can do anything you really want to do, but it will be hard and strenuous, and annoying. i believe that i will be on stage before i know it. i believe that my screenplay will be amazing. i believe that someday i will be a really awesome teacher. i believe that life is great. this might be hell on earth, but at least we need to make the best of it. i believe that we can all make a difference. i believe that im making a lot of cliches and sounding like an idiot, but im drunk so its fine. but its these small things that i believe in that make my life a whole lot better. these are the things that make me happy. these are the things that have made my life happy. they have made me a lot happier. my friends make me happy. my "friends" who are my real friends. and even those who are just acquaintances. i am happy. i am happy in love. i am happy in life. i am not happy in myself, but thats once again another blog waiting to be written... but i am happy. for the most part.
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