Hi ladies!
How is your summer going? Hope it's going well! I just got back from San Antonio and I had so much fun at the Alpha Gamma Delta Convention! I cannot wait to get started advising the chapter at Central Michigan! I learned a lot and am excited to get back into my roots of the sorority life. I just realized why it was I joined that sorority and the impact I can have on other young women. Thanks to those of you who donated to the walk I participated in. I tried running most of it, but a night of karaoke + 90 degree weather at 6am that morning prevented me from running all of it. I have pictures! Oh, and....I ended up winning a huge Williams Sonoma kitchen gift set from raising over $300!!!!! Not my $1000 goal, but still awesome. Overall, together everyone raised $24,000 for American Diabetes Association! How cool!!!!!
On another note, I need some prayers:
(Some of you know this story....) My uncle passed away yesterday. He was an awesome man who lived a looooooong life. It was expected and I know God called him home to finally be with his family. He lived in Hungary during the Communist Revolution, and when he was about 8 years old, he came home from school and his house had been bombed. He found his parents and siblings in the house. Everyone was dead. He grew up with his cousins and came to the US where he met my aunt, and fell in love with her the instant he saw her. When she was sent to a nunnery (she was wild!) he wrote her love letters every single day! The last time I saw him, we sat around the dining room table and he could tell me to this day what she wore the first time they met at a "Hungarian Dance." He was the ideal man. I hope someday I can find someone who is that in love with me. Better yet, I hope someday that feeling is mutual. It was his time, but my aunt is so upset, as anyone would be. He was her life. Please pray for her, as we all know Uncle Alex is in a better place. My Aunt Judy is here without the love of her life.
Me. I am a mess. Ha. I hate writing mass emails like this that are all sappy and stuff, but sometimes I think I was brought to Michigan if not for anything else, than to meet great amazing ladies like you who make a huge impact on my life. It upsets me that I cannot talk to my mom about this. She has enough on her plate with my brother, dad, and planning for my sisters wedding back home. The last thing she needs is her middle child having a quarter-life crisis and breaking down. Oops, now I realize you all have the same issues! Sorry...I'll go on anyways....I cannot talk to my parents, as I feel like I do so much to try to impress them, even though they have no idea what all I do. Explaining this to them would just make them feel like they messed up,or make me feel like I am upsetting them. Whichever, I will not talk to my parents about this.
First of all, I am desperate for love. ha...I know I cannot rush it. I know my time will come. I need to give it time. I think I did the first step to moving out of living in the past. I deleted all the numbers of guys in my phone who I have had some connection with and who have brought me down in some way. I know this one guy who is just simply amazing. He loves me. I wish I felt the same way. I know EXACTLY what it is like to be in love with someone and not have that same feeling back towards you. It sucks. And you just wish it could be reciprocated. But how can you force something? I had a great talk tonight with a good friend. He really got to me tonight. He really opened up to me and tried to get me to talk, but when things got really serious in our conversation, and I began to cry (well just tear up), I just got up and left. PROBLEMS. When Im scared, I just run. Avoid it totally. Crying, to me, is a sign of weakness, and I try not to let people see me cry. I want to be strong.
I cannot fall back into the same pattern of always having someone there for me. I need to take it slow and I need to take time for myself. I got all sappy and began to cry, and told him I had to go and just left. Ha. ooops!
I am just so sick of everyone else being so happy in love. I am so jealous of all of you and your relationships. But when my time comes, I just want it to be RIGHT. I just want that feeling of just "knowing its right." If I am tied down, who knows if I will ever find it???
I have been going to church and even an "age group" meeting on Tuesdays, and finding out that I am having the hardest time with the three following things: believing, forgiving, and accepting the truth. Believing in God, Forgiving XXXX and myself for whatever I did to mess up that relationship, Accepting the truth that its ok to mess up and make mistakes and accepting the truth of how things are. But I think I need more than church. I cannot seem to find peace.
What makes me the happiest is doing things for other people. Not myself. To me, that is being selfish, but I dont think that I am truly happy. And I enjoy making others happy. But if I cannot make myself happy, will I ever find peace? If you asked me what happiness is, I dont think I could answer except by saying that its seeing others happy. I do not know what happiness is.
Like I said, I am a mess. When school is in session, I dont have time to think and I waste my time coming up with (what I think are...) cool lesson plans. Now I have all this free time and try to figure my life out. But I just cannot seem to do it. I know its not something that happens in a day, or a month. But you all seem just so put together and "know" what it is that makes you who you are in life. I feel like I have been searching and searching for YEARS and I still come back to nothing! I feel like I have a lot to offer people, but cant seem to figure out the most basic thing in life...who I am. And why dont people want to be with me? Does that make any sense? I feel like I am being WAAAAAAAAY too deep with you all, and I apologize.
It's just been a rough night...starting with the realization that guys in my past who I have been holding on to do not want to be with me, to someone really getting me to open up, to the wine I bought to make myself feel better (i know...its another problem....)
It took a lot for me to open up to you guys, and I am sitting here crying for no reason because of it. I know we each have our problems, and I am sorry to lay this all on you. You really do not need to worry about me...I have gotten along just fine on my own for so long now. But I feel like right now I really need some advice or suggestions. I really do not know what I am asking you for.
Maybe just a prayer that I will figure things out in my life. Or that I will find happiness. I think the reason I can never stay with someone is because I do not open up to those people who are really there for me. I saw that with my friend tonight. He tried to get me to open up, as a few others have tried, but I just cannot seem to do it. Maybe I need to try and maybe I will find that happiness??? So much easier said than done.
I am tired, and I am sorry for this huge long email. I wish life was easy.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Thursday, July 19, 2007
untitled
i have not felt this way in a long time.
i am not even sure what i call this feeling that i have.
i am not sure what others call it.
i am not even sure what i call this feeling that i have.
i am not sure what others call it.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
again
it's almost been another whole year since i wrote on this. that basically sums up the past two years of my life...being trapped, thinking i was in love, engaged, then cheated on. i could not write for two years of my life. i felt as though someone was always looking over my shoulder.
ironic then, that i post my thoughts on a site which anyone and everyone can choose to read.
im happy. i am finally happy in my life. i know now that i can answer the question i ask myself and everyone i usually have a conversation with. "what is happiness?" "what makes you happy?"
i know now. i just want someone to ask me.
ironic then, that i post my thoughts on a site which anyone and everyone can choose to read.
im happy. i am finally happy in my life. i know now that i can answer the question i ask myself and everyone i usually have a conversation with. "what is happiness?" "what makes you happy?"
i know now. i just want someone to ask me.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Songs to remind you
Jason Mraz: You And I Both
"Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now,
Oh love, no
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore, mmm...And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free
And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words."
Its ironic how some songs just bring you back. i have been meaning to write about this for a while now, and i am only now sitting down to do it. what gets me the most about this song is that the person it reminds me of, well he and i never even listened to it together...ever. but part of me knows that he at one time liked this song.
the person this song reminds me of, i have held hatred towards for awhile. he cheated on me and [what i considered] treated me like shit when we dated back in college. we have tried to be friends again on and off, and it never seemed to work. lately i think about him. not in a romantic relationship way, but just in general whenever i contemplate the hardships of relationships. i sometimes wonder where we went wrong. but then i know how it happened.
like always, i was not happy in that relationship and i cant even tell you why. looking back, i can truly see his heart and how much love he had for me. and that is why it is so strange to me that i can accept the fact that he cheated on me as much as he did. [he, and his future girlfriend had both come clean about him cheating on me, so i do know for sure that he did. gotta give them some credit for honesty.] i have finally and truly in my heart forgiven him for cheating on me and treating me the way he did. it was not that bad of a bad relationship after all.
sure, there were those few times when he got so drunk he scared me. but it was college. maybe i make up excuses just so i can see the good, or "better" in people. and if i do, then so be it. it works for me. but in all reality, i forgive this person. i was so tired of hating and being mad and looking for ways to get back at him.
he once sent this to me, and i still ponder what it could mean:
"if i told you how i'm feeling...and how my heart was always reeling....and maybe you could understand me a little better........if i was to write a letter. and maybe you would understand me a little better..."
"well i found myself face down in a ditch; with booze in hair and blood on my lips; and a picture of you holding a picture of me; in the pocket of my blue my jeans.....i still don't know what love means"-RL
part of me knows that he holds a place for me in his heart, as do i. we had a fun and wild relationship while it lasted. those were some of the best days of my life in college. and i owe a lot to him. i see myself with him, and i see myself growing as a person back then. and i have him to thank for that.
looking back i hated myself for loving him at the time we were together. and then i loved to hate him after we broke up. that makes it sound like i never did love him at all, but i did. at the time we were together i made myself unhappy with him for whatever reason. but then after we broke up, i put so much love into him still--just in the wrong ways. i loved to hate him.
that may not make much sense, but when you read once again out loud, it does. all in all, the point of this blog was just to come clean and admit we were both wrong for some of the things we did. he said a lot of mean things to me, but i probably egged him on and on.
sometimes i think where we would be today. but in my heart i am sure that we would not have lasted. nothing personal to him or myself, but i just didnt see my future with him in it. i think about where we could have gone in our relationship. i think we both know that had we toughed it out a bit more, we could have made a really strong couple built on a great relationship. i also think that at that time, though, we were young and foolish. we were neither sure of ourselves, nor each other, nor our lives at the time. we were just two stupid confused young adults thinking we knew it all about love and life. we were wrong, but really in love at heart.
he was actually one of the best and worst relationships i have ever been in. i learned a lot from him and grew up somewhat. i have him to thank for that.
SO...going back to this song....i hear it and immediately think of him. is that wrong? each and every word in this song is "our" relationship from the time we met, to today, even though we dont talk. i think its a sweet song to represent what we had at one time. he said mean things to me, but he also wrote me very sweet things once in a while, or he told them to me at least. and i once took all his words to heart, and somehow ironically, i still do.
"awww, baby talk."
"Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now,
Oh love, no
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore, mmm...And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free
And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words."
Its ironic how some songs just bring you back. i have been meaning to write about this for a while now, and i am only now sitting down to do it. what gets me the most about this song is that the person it reminds me of, well he and i never even listened to it together...ever. but part of me knows that he at one time liked this song.
the person this song reminds me of, i have held hatred towards for awhile. he cheated on me and [what i considered] treated me like shit when we dated back in college. we have tried to be friends again on and off, and it never seemed to work. lately i think about him. not in a romantic relationship way, but just in general whenever i contemplate the hardships of relationships. i sometimes wonder where we went wrong. but then i know how it happened.
like always, i was not happy in that relationship and i cant even tell you why. looking back, i can truly see his heart and how much love he had for me. and that is why it is so strange to me that i can accept the fact that he cheated on me as much as he did. [he, and his future girlfriend had both come clean about him cheating on me, so i do know for sure that he did. gotta give them some credit for honesty.] i have finally and truly in my heart forgiven him for cheating on me and treating me the way he did. it was not that bad of a bad relationship after all.
sure, there were those few times when he got so drunk he scared me. but it was college. maybe i make up excuses just so i can see the good, or "better" in people. and if i do, then so be it. it works for me. but in all reality, i forgive this person. i was so tired of hating and being mad and looking for ways to get back at him.
he once sent this to me, and i still ponder what it could mean:
"if i told you how i'm feeling...and how my heart was always reeling....and maybe you could understand me a little better........if i was to write a letter. and maybe you would understand me a little better..."
"well i found myself face down in a ditch; with booze in hair and blood on my lips; and a picture of you holding a picture of me; in the pocket of my blue my jeans.....i still don't know what love means"-RL
part of me knows that he holds a place for me in his heart, as do i. we had a fun and wild relationship while it lasted. those were some of the best days of my life in college. and i owe a lot to him. i see myself with him, and i see myself growing as a person back then. and i have him to thank for that.
looking back i hated myself for loving him at the time we were together. and then i loved to hate him after we broke up. that makes it sound like i never did love him at all, but i did. at the time we were together i made myself unhappy with him for whatever reason. but then after we broke up, i put so much love into him still--just in the wrong ways. i loved to hate him.
that may not make much sense, but when you read once again out loud, it does. all in all, the point of this blog was just to come clean and admit we were both wrong for some of the things we did. he said a lot of mean things to me, but i probably egged him on and on.
sometimes i think where we would be today. but in my heart i am sure that we would not have lasted. nothing personal to him or myself, but i just didnt see my future with him in it. i think about where we could have gone in our relationship. i think we both know that had we toughed it out a bit more, we could have made a really strong couple built on a great relationship. i also think that at that time, though, we were young and foolish. we were neither sure of ourselves, nor each other, nor our lives at the time. we were just two stupid confused young adults thinking we knew it all about love and life. we were wrong, but really in love at heart.
he was actually one of the best and worst relationships i have ever been in. i learned a lot from him and grew up somewhat. i have him to thank for that.
SO...going back to this song....i hear it and immediately think of him. is that wrong? each and every word in this song is "our" relationship from the time we met, to today, even though we dont talk. i think its a sweet song to represent what we had at one time. he said mean things to me, but he also wrote me very sweet things once in a while, or he told them to me at least. and i once took all his words to heart, and somehow ironically, i still do.
"awww, baby talk."
its been over one year now
wow. its been over a year since i last wrote on here and i dont even know where to begin with where my life has taken me. i have had my ups and downs, thats for sure. i have so much to say, and just no energy to tell it all. i guess that should say enough about how i am these days.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
its been a while
its been so long. soooo long. so much has changed in my life since the last time i wrote on here. i moved to michigan. i let go of brian. (did i?) i found someone new, i think. i fell in love with kenny chesney, dierks bentley, and keith urban. i still drink alone. i still miss my purdue days.
i tried to blog about two weeks ago but my computer hated life and i couldnt. and i had so much to say too. but now i forgot about all that i wanted to say, and it lost its importance, so now im back here, just bored.
tonight i blog because i drink alone. i think i got my heart broken tonight. but thats just life. i am not going to discuss that issue, because it should not rule my life. however, i have nothing else to think or write about, so i guess this is it. after all....
i tried to blog about two weeks ago but my computer hated life and i couldnt. and i had so much to say too. but now i forgot about all that i wanted to say, and it lost its importance, so now im back here, just bored.
tonight i blog because i drink alone. i think i got my heart broken tonight. but thats just life. i am not going to discuss that issue, because it should not rule my life. however, i have nothing else to think or write about, so i guess this is it. after all....
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
one of the best conversations....
one of the best conversations and i dont know why. but i had this one tonight with who else but amy j, and it just made me think:
VanSteph2: i miss college.
AmyDMB1: me too
VanSteph2: i was just thinking about like...id be at where else right now, or doing something more fun than this, or getting a den pop, or in the bum, or....
VanSteph2: and i just kinda want to go back, right now.
AmyDMB1: yep i know
AmyDMB1: we cant though
AmyDMB1: and anyway, its not the same as we remember you know
AmyDMB1: i always think i miss it but if i was back there, it wouldnt be fun
AmyDMB1: all my friends are gone
VanSteph2: true...i guess i miss college when it was normall...
VanSteph2: like i miss college when we were all there.
VanSteph2: like...i dont miss purdue...i mean i do...but i guess its more right to say i miss "college" or the "college years"
VanSteph2: than to say "i miss purdue"
AmyDMB1: yeah i know
VanSteph2: bc i can always go back there, but it will never be the same as how i remember it.
AmyDMB1: i regret graduating
VanSteph2: me too.
VanSteph2: i want it to be like the year 2002
VanSteph2: or even 2003
VanSteph2: 2003 is better. haha
VanSteph2: i wasnt with **** then.
AmyDMB1: yeah dang
AmyDMB1: i wish we could go back
VanSteph2: me too.
VanSteph2: time travel, haha.
VanSteph2: and even though its annoying, i miss agd too.
VanSteph2: it was a good time.
VanSteph2: and the bus, and going out. hahaha, even when werent 21...and just went to apt./house parties.lol
AmyDMB1: haha yep
this just made me think, how much i truly miss college. i wish i could go back in time, literally, and do it all over again. if i could...i wouldnt change a thing either. but if i could change a few things...i know what they would be.... ;)
VanSteph2: i miss college.
AmyDMB1: me too
VanSteph2: i was just thinking about like...id be at where else right now, or doing something more fun than this, or getting a den pop, or in the bum, or....
VanSteph2: and i just kinda want to go back, right now.
AmyDMB1: yep i know
AmyDMB1: we cant though
AmyDMB1: and anyway, its not the same as we remember you know
AmyDMB1: i always think i miss it but if i was back there, it wouldnt be fun
AmyDMB1: all my friends are gone
VanSteph2: true...i guess i miss college when it was normall...
VanSteph2: like i miss college when we were all there.
VanSteph2: like...i dont miss purdue...i mean i do...but i guess its more right to say i miss "college" or the "college years"
VanSteph2: than to say "i miss purdue"
AmyDMB1: yeah i know
VanSteph2: bc i can always go back there, but it will never be the same as how i remember it.
AmyDMB1: i regret graduating
VanSteph2: me too.
VanSteph2: i want it to be like the year 2002
VanSteph2: or even 2003
VanSteph2: 2003 is better. haha
VanSteph2: i wasnt with **** then.
AmyDMB1: yeah dang
AmyDMB1: i wish we could go back
VanSteph2: me too.
VanSteph2: time travel, haha.
VanSteph2: and even though its annoying, i miss agd too.
VanSteph2: it was a good time.
VanSteph2: and the bus, and going out. hahaha, even when werent 21...and just went to apt./house parties.lol
AmyDMB1: haha yep
this just made me think, how much i truly miss college. i wish i could go back in time, literally, and do it all over again. if i could...i wouldnt change a thing either. but if i could change a few things...i know what they would be.... ;)
Saturday, February 19, 2005
there are those
there are those that you love. and then there are those that you love.
there are those that you love at the time, and there are those that you love forever. there are those that you love at the moment, and there are those that you love for an eternity. there are those that you love when you are young, and there are those that you want to love when you are old. there are those that you love when you are childish, and there are those that you love and want to grow old with. there are those that you will always love, and there are those that you will always love until you die and afterwards. there are those you love and dream about being with, and there are those you dream about being in love with. there are those that you know will make you happy, and there are those who already do. there are those who you once loved, and there are those who you still do. there are those who you were once in love with, and there are those who you will always be in love with. there are those who loved you and those who still do. there are those who loved you at one time and always will. there are those who you think about each day, and there are those who think about you each day. there are those who you think about each day that you are in love with, and there are those who you think about each day that you think you are in love. there are those who touched your life once, and there are those who will touch your life forever. there are those who you cant be without, and there are those who cant be without you. there are those who you choose to have to live without, and there are those who choose to live without you. there are those who you know you are meant to be together, and there are those who know the same. there are those who you think you are meant to be together, and there are those who prove you wrong. there are those who you will find again one day, and there are those who you already lost. there are those who you will find one day, and there are those who are also looking for you. there are those whose love you know is so wrong, and there are those whose love you know is so right. there are those that care about the rightness of the love, and there are those that care more about the wrongness. there are those whose love is forever, and there is those whose love is continously. there are those who love you, and there are those who love you more. there are those who you love, and there are those who you love more. there are those that you want to be with, and there are those who you know you can be with. there are those who you want to be with, and there are those who you choose to be with. there are those who you want to be with, and there are those who want you back. there are those who you love and want to be with, and there are those who you love and cant be with you. there is that one person who loves you, and there is that one person back who you love back.
there are those that you love at the time, and there are those that you love forever. there are those that you love at the moment, and there are those that you love for an eternity. there are those that you love when you are young, and there are those that you want to love when you are old. there are those that you love when you are childish, and there are those that you love and want to grow old with. there are those that you will always love, and there are those that you will always love until you die and afterwards. there are those you love and dream about being with, and there are those you dream about being in love with. there are those that you know will make you happy, and there are those who already do. there are those who you once loved, and there are those who you still do. there are those who you were once in love with, and there are those who you will always be in love with. there are those who loved you and those who still do. there are those who loved you at one time and always will. there are those who you think about each day, and there are those who think about you each day. there are those who you think about each day that you are in love with, and there are those who you think about each day that you think you are in love. there are those who touched your life once, and there are those who will touch your life forever. there are those who you cant be without, and there are those who cant be without you. there are those who you choose to have to live without, and there are those who choose to live without you. there are those who you know you are meant to be together, and there are those who know the same. there are those who you think you are meant to be together, and there are those who prove you wrong. there are those who you will find again one day, and there are those who you already lost. there are those who you will find one day, and there are those who are also looking for you. there are those whose love you know is so wrong, and there are those whose love you know is so right. there are those that care about the rightness of the love, and there are those that care more about the wrongness. there are those whose love is forever, and there is those whose love is continously. there are those who love you, and there are those who love you more. there are those who you love, and there are those who you love more. there are those that you want to be with, and there are those who you know you can be with. there are those who you want to be with, and there are those who you choose to be with. there are those who you want to be with, and there are those who want you back. there are those who you love and want to be with, and there are those who you love and cant be with you. there is that one person who loves you, and there is that one person back who you love back.
Monday, February 14, 2005
quote
someone once wrote this quote for me: i believe it was originally said/written by H.D. Thoreau:
"Not til we are lost, in other words, not til we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the value of our relationships."
now i think the "real" quote is a bit different. however, the context in which this was said to me was a bit strange. regardless, i am still coming to terms with what this quote means. i mean, i know what it means, but i am searching for some other hidden meaning. i feel as though i am struggling to get something else out of this, rather than just the following:
we cannot really and truly figure out who we are as a person [both to ourselves and others], and we cannot realize how important our relationships with others are and how much they are worth, until we first lose it all [not til we have lost the world...everything that has meaning to us. or not til the world loses us...]
its like, "you dont know what youve got til its gone" type of saying. and unless i really cant find the other meaning, i feel as though this quote sucks. i mean, i could have told you this!! dont we all know that REALLY knowing...who we are, or just anything...can only TRULY be found when we start from ground zero?
"Not til we are lost, in other words, not til we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the value of our relationships."
now i think the "real" quote is a bit different. however, the context in which this was said to me was a bit strange. regardless, i am still coming to terms with what this quote means. i mean, i know what it means, but i am searching for some other hidden meaning. i feel as though i am struggling to get something else out of this, rather than just the following:
we cannot really and truly figure out who we are as a person [both to ourselves and others], and we cannot realize how important our relationships with others are and how much they are worth, until we first lose it all [not til we have lost the world...everything that has meaning to us. or not til the world loses us...]
its like, "you dont know what youve got til its gone" type of saying. and unless i really cant find the other meaning, i feel as though this quote sucks. i mean, i could have told you this!! dont we all know that REALLY knowing...who we are, or just anything...can only TRULY be found when we start from ground zero?
what is it about spring?
february is almost over already. what happened to it? march is marching right down street and before we know it, i will be writing about how much i love the first warm rain in spring.
what is it about spring?
what is it about the changing of seasons? what is it about spring that we, or at least i, love so much. and i know others agree with me. what is it about spring that makes us love? what is it about spring that makes you want to have a picnic and go on walks? what is it about spring that makes you want to be outside? what is it about spring that makes you want to be in love?
spring makes me want to go back to high school. it makes me want to re-live those days in highschool...baseball season, soccer, spring in highschool was almost the most fun. spring makes me want to go back in time.
why is it that alcohol has to be an influence to make me want to write on this blogger shit? the last um....10 posts probably have all been me under some sort of influence. how sad. i feel like none of these make any sense. they do to me at least in my head. whatever, i really dont care. i have not once went back to even read these. maybe i did once. but so nowadays, i dont even know what i had said last month, or the month before.
someone told me that my blogs are histarical and pathetic. in fact, i think i can quote directly; "your blogs are the most pathetic thing i have ever seen." and its so funny, because i really didnt care what s/he thought. the best part, was that s/he told me this out of nowhere, like i had asked about it, and another great fact was that s/he read all of them before s/he was able to tell me that, so i got the last laugh at that one. thanks for taking the time to read them at least. who says that anyways? out of nowhere? the last best part is that s/he read them all to begin with, without any force or asking of, and even though s/he thought they were so stupid, s/he will more than likely read this blog and see this shout-out specifically pointed out to her/him, and know that i am talking about him/her. hahaha. cracks me up.
on another note...do people just randomly stalk others on this blog shit? because i have a comment on one i guess, from someone i dont have any relation to, or even know...at all. so who does that? who has nothing else to do, than to look up random peoples' blogs and respond? i think its rather creepy. i really dont care if anyone looks at this, but i especially dont care if people respond. and while i guess its a bit flattering that someone took the time to read what i had to say, and i appreciate it, i think i have done a good job of really NOT advertising this to people. not that i dont want others to read it, but i dont want people just being bored and reading this...people i dont know. why? its creepy. dont you have something else to do? at least if i tell my friends about it and people who i know read it, thats one thing. but not randoms. thats creepy. i know i dont sit around and search strangers' blogs. if you do, cool. thats your thing, but it certainly isnt mine. not that im better than you, but come on...honestly...find something else to do with your life.
im not bitter. im really not. in fact im really happy lately. extremely happy actually. i have been finding a new way to appreciate life. in all forms. thats something else i will have to write about some other time im drunk. lets just put it like this: i have come to appreciate people. people of all forms, races, colors, ages, religions, etc. i love people. i come to realize that my life is my life. i believe in god, and destiny, and fate, all at the same time. i believe that i have a role and can play a part in that life, destiny, and fate. i believe in myself and what i can do. i believe in others...even when they suck. i believe in others when they dont know what they are talking about, but are sure that they do. because they probably believe in themselves. i believe in people that dont know other people but hurt them anyways--because i have seen it and felt it. i believe in the strength that i have. i believe that you can love more than one person throughout life. and sometimes those loves may overlap and sometimes they will clash. sometimes love is hurtful. but i do believe that you should only have one BEST love. i believe that you can do anything you really want to do, but it will be hard and strenuous, and annoying. i believe that i will be on stage before i know it. i believe that my screenplay will be amazing. i believe that someday i will be a really awesome teacher. i believe that life is great. this might be hell on earth, but at least we need to make the best of it. i believe that we can all make a difference. i believe that im making a lot of cliches and sounding like an idiot, but im drunk so its fine. but its these small things that i believe in that make my life a whole lot better. these are the things that make me happy. these are the things that have made my life happy. they have made me a lot happier. my friends make me happy. my "friends" who are my real friends. and even those who are just acquaintances. i am happy. i am happy in love. i am happy in life. i am not happy in myself, but thats once again another blog waiting to be written... but i am happy. for the most part.
what is it about spring?
what is it about the changing of seasons? what is it about spring that we, or at least i, love so much. and i know others agree with me. what is it about spring that makes us love? what is it about spring that makes you want to have a picnic and go on walks? what is it about spring that makes you want to be outside? what is it about spring that makes you want to be in love?
spring makes me want to go back to high school. it makes me want to re-live those days in highschool...baseball season, soccer, spring in highschool was almost the most fun. spring makes me want to go back in time.
why is it that alcohol has to be an influence to make me want to write on this blogger shit? the last um....10 posts probably have all been me under some sort of influence. how sad. i feel like none of these make any sense. they do to me at least in my head. whatever, i really dont care. i have not once went back to even read these. maybe i did once. but so nowadays, i dont even know what i had said last month, or the month before.
someone told me that my blogs are histarical and pathetic. in fact, i think i can quote directly; "your blogs are the most pathetic thing i have ever seen." and its so funny, because i really didnt care what s/he thought. the best part, was that s/he told me this out of nowhere, like i had asked about it, and another great fact was that s/he read all of them before s/he was able to tell me that, so i got the last laugh at that one. thanks for taking the time to read them at least. who says that anyways? out of nowhere? the last best part is that s/he read them all to begin with, without any force or asking of, and even though s/he thought they were so stupid, s/he will more than likely read this blog and see this shout-out specifically pointed out to her/him, and know that i am talking about him/her. hahaha. cracks me up.
on another note...do people just randomly stalk others on this blog shit? because i have a comment on one i guess, from someone i dont have any relation to, or even know...at all. so who does that? who has nothing else to do, than to look up random peoples' blogs and respond? i think its rather creepy. i really dont care if anyone looks at this, but i especially dont care if people respond. and while i guess its a bit flattering that someone took the time to read what i had to say, and i appreciate it, i think i have done a good job of really NOT advertising this to people. not that i dont want others to read it, but i dont want people just being bored and reading this...people i dont know. why? its creepy. dont you have something else to do? at least if i tell my friends about it and people who i know read it, thats one thing. but not randoms. thats creepy. i know i dont sit around and search strangers' blogs. if you do, cool. thats your thing, but it certainly isnt mine. not that im better than you, but come on...honestly...find something else to do with your life.
im not bitter. im really not. in fact im really happy lately. extremely happy actually. i have been finding a new way to appreciate life. in all forms. thats something else i will have to write about some other time im drunk. lets just put it like this: i have come to appreciate people. people of all forms, races, colors, ages, religions, etc. i love people. i come to realize that my life is my life. i believe in god, and destiny, and fate, all at the same time. i believe that i have a role and can play a part in that life, destiny, and fate. i believe in myself and what i can do. i believe in others...even when they suck. i believe in others when they dont know what they are talking about, but are sure that they do. because they probably believe in themselves. i believe in people that dont know other people but hurt them anyways--because i have seen it and felt it. i believe in the strength that i have. i believe that you can love more than one person throughout life. and sometimes those loves may overlap and sometimes they will clash. sometimes love is hurtful. but i do believe that you should only have one BEST love. i believe that you can do anything you really want to do, but it will be hard and strenuous, and annoying. i believe that i will be on stage before i know it. i believe that my screenplay will be amazing. i believe that someday i will be a really awesome teacher. i believe that life is great. this might be hell on earth, but at least we need to make the best of it. i believe that we can all make a difference. i believe that im making a lot of cliches and sounding like an idiot, but im drunk so its fine. but its these small things that i believe in that make my life a whole lot better. these are the things that make me happy. these are the things that have made my life happy. they have made me a lot happier. my friends make me happy. my "friends" who are my real friends. and even those who are just acquaintances. i am happy. i am happy in love. i am happy in life. i am not happy in myself, but thats once again another blog waiting to be written... but i am happy. for the most part.
Friday, January 28, 2005
"1,000 THINGS" to talk about when you live alone.
what a lovely song:
words & music by jason mraz
'I'm overjoyed and over loved and feeling lucky
like a little boy who's hiding under covers
and looking to discover any way to play the part inside his darkened cave
well the meaning of life it starts at the nightlight
close your eyes and hope to see mine
well I've seen a thousand things in one place
but I stopped my counting when I saw your face
erasing memory I feel as though I've never seen a face before
until I saw your eyes smiling back at me thru my tears
I've been counting all these years
Now suddenly the thousand things I've seen were
nothing more than dreams of you and me
you and me quietly at a stand still
fortunately you will kiss me and I'll kiss you back
fact of the matter of is that I don't know what the latter is
that I always wanted to kiss you but
I always wanted to run from you
Because I always wanted to miss you
And that I've always wanted to come for you
So... how do you do?
so here i am...once again...getting drunk alone. yet after 1/2 a bottle, i still find myself amazingly sober. extremely sober.
by myself. with captain morgan. who else would i be with?!
im watching my Live DVD Jason Mraz in concert and that song was playing as i decided to go ahead and "blog." this is my life now that i live alone. i sit here here, no one to know, drink when i can and want to, and watch good DVD's and want to write. so here i am....still alone. but not i guess you could count that i am with 2 other guys: the captain and jason.
so this is what life is like when you live alone. i will sum it up for you all who have yet to venture out... [does it matter that i just hit replay for the 4th time of this song? i absolutely love this song live by mraz.] getting back to living alone:
1. you are alone. if you are brave enough and strong enough to venture to a different state where the only person you know [that calls you and wants to hang out and is not too busy for you] is one hour away, then you have to learn to entertain yourself without anyone else around. this can be very healing in my eyes. i have time to walk around naked if i wanted to, i have time to sit here and watch what i want to watch and drink what i want to drink, and replay the same song for the 5th time. its great. i can do whatever it is i want. at the same time, you are alone. all the time. except for those times with the captain and jason mraz--you are by yourself. its sad. its lonely. going from something you took for granted--knowing over 300 people at a campus to knowing NO ONE, is hard. i cant walk down the small campus here and see people i live with or who i know. i cant walk into the bars and know everyone in there....i cant walk into a bar. i can, but it would be alone, and who wants to do that? so face it: living alone in a new state = being alone.
2. its scary. besides not knowing anyone, you may get a scary, creepy man knocking at your door asking for money. and then later find out that hes been to other girls' apartments. creepy.
3. its money. ugh. paying bills, loans, gas, food, it sucks. [after the 6th time of playing this same song, i finally decided to change it....]
4. its growing up. i am the first one out of all of my friends [from back home] who has moved out on her own...to a different state...who is paying her own bills, tuition, loans, etc. and no one else seems to care and that is fine with me. i am learning and accepting this new concept of independence. but that sucks too.
5. its cooking, cleaning, doing everything on your own. ugh....[remember when you wanted your parents to leave you alone and treat you like an adult...well now i wish they would just treat me like a 6 year old.]
6. its freedom yet lock down. freedom = i can do whatever i want anytime of the day/night. lock down= i dont know anyone to do anything with. hahaha.
i cant think of anything else. the 1/2 bottle of captain is hitting me now and i dont know what else to write. i know i wanted to say something that just happened to slip my mind and its really going to eat at me and piss me off. however....i will come back with it i know. as for now....well i need to go refill and find something else to do alone. catch ya later.
words & music by jason mraz
'I'm overjoyed and over loved and feeling lucky
like a little boy who's hiding under covers
and looking to discover any way to play the part inside his darkened cave
well the meaning of life it starts at the nightlight
close your eyes and hope to see mine
well I've seen a thousand things in one place
but I stopped my counting when I saw your face
erasing memory I feel as though I've never seen a face before
until I saw your eyes smiling back at me thru my tears
I've been counting all these years
Now suddenly the thousand things I've seen were
nothing more than dreams of you and me
you and me quietly at a stand still
fortunately you will kiss me and I'll kiss you back
fact of the matter of is that I don't know what the latter is
that I always wanted to kiss you but
I always wanted to run from you
Because I always wanted to miss you
And that I've always wanted to come for you
So... how do you do?
so here i am...once again...getting drunk alone. yet after 1/2 a bottle, i still find myself amazingly sober. extremely sober.
by myself. with captain morgan. who else would i be with?!
im watching my Live DVD Jason Mraz in concert and that song was playing as i decided to go ahead and "blog." this is my life now that i live alone. i sit here here, no one to know, drink when i can and want to, and watch good DVD's and want to write. so here i am....still alone. but not i guess you could count that i am with 2 other guys: the captain and jason.
so this is what life is like when you live alone. i will sum it up for you all who have yet to venture out... [does it matter that i just hit replay for the 4th time of this song? i absolutely love this song live by mraz.] getting back to living alone:
1. you are alone. if you are brave enough and strong enough to venture to a different state where the only person you know [that calls you and wants to hang out and is not too busy for you] is one hour away, then you have to learn to entertain yourself without anyone else around. this can be very healing in my eyes. i have time to walk around naked if i wanted to, i have time to sit here and watch what i want to watch and drink what i want to drink, and replay the same song for the 5th time. its great. i can do whatever it is i want. at the same time, you are alone. all the time. except for those times with the captain and jason mraz--you are by yourself. its sad. its lonely. going from something you took for granted--knowing over 300 people at a campus to knowing NO ONE, is hard. i cant walk down the small campus here and see people i live with or who i know. i cant walk into the bars and know everyone in there....i cant walk into a bar. i can, but it would be alone, and who wants to do that? so face it: living alone in a new state = being alone.
2. its scary. besides not knowing anyone, you may get a scary, creepy man knocking at your door asking for money. and then later find out that hes been to other girls' apartments. creepy.
3. its money. ugh. paying bills, loans, gas, food, it sucks. [after the 6th time of playing this same song, i finally decided to change it....]
4. its growing up. i am the first one out of all of my friends [from back home] who has moved out on her own...to a different state...who is paying her own bills, tuition, loans, etc. and no one else seems to care and that is fine with me. i am learning and accepting this new concept of independence. but that sucks too.
5. its cooking, cleaning, doing everything on your own. ugh....[remember when you wanted your parents to leave you alone and treat you like an adult...well now i wish they would just treat me like a 6 year old.]
6. its freedom yet lock down. freedom = i can do whatever i want anytime of the day/night. lock down= i dont know anyone to do anything with. hahaha.
i cant think of anything else. the 1/2 bottle of captain is hitting me now and i dont know what else to write. i know i wanted to say something that just happened to slip my mind and its really going to eat at me and piss me off. however....i will come back with it i know. as for now....well i need to go refill and find something else to do alone. catch ya later.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
if i dont love you...
what would you think if someone said this to you:
"if i dont love you as a friend, i love you as a person."
huh?! what does that mean? they dont love you...you are not their friend, but you are still a good person? so even though you are a good person, that person doesnt like you as a friend? it doesnt make sense to me. why wouldnt someone want to be "friends" with a nice "person?"
is that a compliment? you may not be a friend, but you are still a good person? is that an insult? youre not my friend, but youre still a good person?
huh?
does it make a difference if one of your best friends said it? if it was the last thing they said before they hung up phone: "if i dont love you as a friend, i love you as a person" and then said "ill talk to you soon, bye."
this happened to me tonight, and i sat there after the phone went dead....with my eyes looking extremely confused--eyebrows all hunched up--going "what? what the hell was that? what did they just say?" who says that? what the hell does it even mean? wierd.
"if i dont love you as my friend, i love you as a person." haha, what an ass. one of my best friends tells me that...so i guess im not really their friend, but at least i have the fact that im loved as a person going for me huh? what the hell...im still questioning this.....
"if i dont love you as a friend, i love you as a person."
huh?! what does that mean? they dont love you...you are not their friend, but you are still a good person? so even though you are a good person, that person doesnt like you as a friend? it doesnt make sense to me. why wouldnt someone want to be "friends" with a nice "person?"
is that a compliment? you may not be a friend, but you are still a good person? is that an insult? youre not my friend, but youre still a good person?
huh?
does it make a difference if one of your best friends said it? if it was the last thing they said before they hung up phone: "if i dont love you as a friend, i love you as a person" and then said "ill talk to you soon, bye."
this happened to me tonight, and i sat there after the phone went dead....with my eyes looking extremely confused--eyebrows all hunched up--going "what? what the hell was that? what did they just say?" who says that? what the hell does it even mean? wierd.
"if i dont love you as my friend, i love you as a person." haha, what an ass. one of my best friends tells me that...so i guess im not really their friend, but at least i have the fact that im loved as a person going for me huh? what the hell...im still questioning this.....
Thursday, December 23, 2004
12-23-04
unless youve ever been in my shoes, you wont know what im talking about. leaving. being drunk alone, thinking. talking. writing. how sad. this is what comes to those of us who are stuck. stuck in this world of never ending life. never ending life. you missed a good time tonight. its my last night here.
and who did i share it with? my students. and you know what? it was two of them that failed my class and came. i dont regret teaching. i loved it. just because of those two kids. those students. those people. those young men. those guys. thanks guys!
and who did i share it with? my students. and you know what? it was two of them that failed my class and came. i dont regret teaching. i loved it. just because of those two kids. those students. those people. those young men. those guys. thanks guys!
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
last night here
last night here. last night at purdue. thought this time would never come. but the reality of it all has suddenly overcome my mind.
it began as i had dinner tonight with my very first friend who i ever met here at purdue. kris. kris barr. from plano texas. we went out to eat tonight at la scala. we talked. remembered times from freshman and sophomore year at purdue.
and then we left.
hes moving to LA.
and i will be in michigan.
there was nothing ever between kris and i. but the fact that he and i are both leaving the place where we met was so sad. i will miss him so much. more than anything, i will miss our times together. i will miss our memories.
and its all ending. now. i see how quickly it is all coming to an end. i know other, better, bigger things lie ahead of me. i know michigan will do me good. i know who i will be living by. i know who is here and who is there for me. that is reassuring, but not completely.
will i forget purdue? will i forget AGD? will i forget the bars? will i forget the football games and breakfast club and the philanthropies and the Tower Acres bus i took to class every day? will i forget my amazing teachers who taught me so much and my friends and the strangers who i know, but dont really know? will i forget my ways around the streets and campus, will i forget the names of the bar tenders i have become "close" to each weekend as they just wave me into stacks? will i forget my sad times and my happy times and my "ME" times and my other times where i didnt know what i was doing? will i ever forget this summer when i was in depression and id go sit by the fountains at school late at night when no one else was around and campus was dead? will i forget?
i hope not.
im ok with this all. i am. its time to move on. im how old now?! sometimes i forget. once you hit 21, it seems like that is all that matters and any other age makes no difference. at least i have finally found happiness. well id say i have found about 85% happiness. im still searching for the other 15%....i know where it is too....i just cant get there.
its here. the time has come. im leaving. its like high school all over again, except this time im crying tears of sadness, not happiness. im sad to leave this place unlike i was my high school. im sad to move on, grow up, be an "adult." unlike i was at the time i graduated highschool. the best part about it all is that im already done. ive already graduated.
this whole semester i didnt walk on campus, i didnt take the bus, i didnt talk to my teachers, i didnt go into the Union or the Panhel office, i didnt drive around campus, i didnt go to the fraternities, i didnt go work out at the co-rec. i didnt do any of it. but im still sad that im leaving.
this was my life. and i think it will always remain my life. i need to write a book.
ps.....i just wrote this all after having finished a bottle of wine--alone in my empty apartment. how sad, but in reality...i am celebrating...dont know quite what im celebrating...but maybe its something like growing up, leaving, moving, starting over, being real, living, being happy, being sad but being ok with it, im celebrating my achievements. i did good this semester. i did good these last 6 months....lets see where the next six months take me......
im gonna miss place.
im gonna miss you.
im gonna miss my life.
my life here.
i will not be blue.
yellow and sunshine
lies ahead
growing up
moving on
nothing but the best
lies ahead
"lies" ahead?
am i fooling myself?
like the greeting cards say
and like i told my best friend in high school....
memories, laughter, tears.
sisters, strangers, friends.
crying, smiling, movie nights.
nights out. wild times. times i dont remember.
the times i will never forget.
and now here i am like a hermit sitting in my room drinking my bottle of cheap pink wine sobbing over the past 4.5 years and the life i am leaving behind and being scared and petrified of the life that lies ahead of me....
it began as i had dinner tonight with my very first friend who i ever met here at purdue. kris. kris barr. from plano texas. we went out to eat tonight at la scala. we talked. remembered times from freshman and sophomore year at purdue.
and then we left.
hes moving to LA.
and i will be in michigan.
there was nothing ever between kris and i. but the fact that he and i are both leaving the place where we met was so sad. i will miss him so much. more than anything, i will miss our times together. i will miss our memories.
and its all ending. now. i see how quickly it is all coming to an end. i know other, better, bigger things lie ahead of me. i know michigan will do me good. i know who i will be living by. i know who is here and who is there for me. that is reassuring, but not completely.
will i forget purdue? will i forget AGD? will i forget the bars? will i forget the football games and breakfast club and the philanthropies and the Tower Acres bus i took to class every day? will i forget my amazing teachers who taught me so much and my friends and the strangers who i know, but dont really know? will i forget my ways around the streets and campus, will i forget the names of the bar tenders i have become "close" to each weekend as they just wave me into stacks? will i forget my sad times and my happy times and my "ME" times and my other times where i didnt know what i was doing? will i ever forget this summer when i was in depression and id go sit by the fountains at school late at night when no one else was around and campus was dead? will i forget?
i hope not.
im ok with this all. i am. its time to move on. im how old now?! sometimes i forget. once you hit 21, it seems like that is all that matters and any other age makes no difference. at least i have finally found happiness. well id say i have found about 85% happiness. im still searching for the other 15%....i know where it is too....i just cant get there.
its here. the time has come. im leaving. its like high school all over again, except this time im crying tears of sadness, not happiness. im sad to leave this place unlike i was my high school. im sad to move on, grow up, be an "adult." unlike i was at the time i graduated highschool. the best part about it all is that im already done. ive already graduated.
this whole semester i didnt walk on campus, i didnt take the bus, i didnt talk to my teachers, i didnt go into the Union or the Panhel office, i didnt drive around campus, i didnt go to the fraternities, i didnt go work out at the co-rec. i didnt do any of it. but im still sad that im leaving.
this was my life. and i think it will always remain my life. i need to write a book.
ps.....i just wrote this all after having finished a bottle of wine--alone in my empty apartment. how sad, but in reality...i am celebrating...dont know quite what im celebrating...but maybe its something like growing up, leaving, moving, starting over, being real, living, being happy, being sad but being ok with it, im celebrating my achievements. i did good this semester. i did good these last 6 months....lets see where the next six months take me......
im gonna miss place.
im gonna miss you.
im gonna miss my life.
my life here.
i will not be blue.
yellow and sunshine
lies ahead
growing up
moving on
nothing but the best
lies ahead
"lies" ahead?
am i fooling myself?
like the greeting cards say
and like i told my best friend in high school....
memories, laughter, tears.
sisters, strangers, friends.
crying, smiling, movie nights.
nights out. wild times. times i dont remember.
the times i will never forget.
and now here i am like a hermit sitting in my room drinking my bottle of cheap pink wine sobbing over the past 4.5 years and the life i am leaving behind and being scared and petrified of the life that lies ahead of me....
Sunday, December 19, 2004
what the hell?!
i thought about this long and hard before i did it....i said to myself...should i show the link to my students and put it on my screen name that i gave them all?
and you know what i thought? what the hell?!?!
im done. im done here. and im done with this place.
and i am an "english teacher."
so why not? you know what i think? i WANT my kids to see this. i want them to see. i want them to WRITE. do a BLOG. be a BLOGGER. its fun. its literature. its writing. and thats all i ever wanted. all i wanted my kids to do was write. but no...i get thrown a curriculum that no one wants to learn about...or teach for that fact... but im told to do it and i have to basically. NOT FUN!!!!
i wanted them to write.
writing, i know has helped me figure out who i am. i KNOW my students write....at home, during school...whenever. write it out on here. make a blog. MAKE A BLOG! i was in high school once, remember...i know i was depressed one minute and happy the next. i KNOW how they all feel. i wish there was a class on something like "dealing with life" in high school. id be able to teach that class hands down--be a perfect teacher [if there such thing] relate to the students, help them through it all......
so thats why i did this. to show them. if i can do it, so they can they. let them read about me. let them see who i am. let them know. i dont care. i have a lot of growing up to do and i know this. its fine. let them see. they all do too....they wont admit it, but we all know its true.
if just one of my students would write and show the rest of whoever what they possess, then i would be so happy. thats all i want. let them see this. let them know. im fine with it all. just as long as one of them does something about it. maybe, i hope, they will see this and maybe they will just try a blog.
i always hated the idea of sharing what i felt and thought with others [especially on the internet...how wierd. i still hate the fact that i became a part of this. thanks amy j...hahaha. it scares me that anyone can read this....], but there is some strange relief, some strange high of knowing that others will read this. and its a simple, yet complicated type of motivation to share it...to write it....to show it....to tell it....to paste it. everytime im about to paste something i get scared for a split second...like someone i know is going to judge me if they see what i wrote or what i thought....
and then i realize that i want to be a writer and thats what being a writer is. sometimes you may offend someone. sometimes you may say something you may have not said otherwise. sometimes you do stupid things and share them with the world. but thats what being a writer is.
so "in conclusion..." be a blogger. do it. share with us what you want to say. what is on your mind? its so refreshing. its so great. be a writer. even if its not for a grade, just do it. just BE it. if no one you even know will ever read it....someone will....and thats what makes all the difference.
"just do it" ~~nike....[how stupid. i cant believe i just said that....]
and you know what i thought? what the hell?!?!
im done. im done here. and im done with this place.
and i am an "english teacher."
so why not? you know what i think? i WANT my kids to see this. i want them to see. i want them to WRITE. do a BLOG. be a BLOGGER. its fun. its literature. its writing. and thats all i ever wanted. all i wanted my kids to do was write. but no...i get thrown a curriculum that no one wants to learn about...or teach for that fact... but im told to do it and i have to basically. NOT FUN!!!!
i wanted them to write.
writing, i know has helped me figure out who i am. i KNOW my students write....at home, during school...whenever. write it out on here. make a blog. MAKE A BLOG! i was in high school once, remember...i know i was depressed one minute and happy the next. i KNOW how they all feel. i wish there was a class on something like "dealing with life" in high school. id be able to teach that class hands down--be a perfect teacher [if there such thing] relate to the students, help them through it all......
so thats why i did this. to show them. if i can do it, so they can they. let them read about me. let them see who i am. let them know. i dont care. i have a lot of growing up to do and i know this. its fine. let them see. they all do too....they wont admit it, but we all know its true.
if just one of my students would write and show the rest of whoever what they possess, then i would be so happy. thats all i want. let them see this. let them know. im fine with it all. just as long as one of them does something about it. maybe, i hope, they will see this and maybe they will just try a blog.
i always hated the idea of sharing what i felt and thought with others [especially on the internet...how wierd. i still hate the fact that i became a part of this. thanks amy j...hahaha. it scares me that anyone can read this....], but there is some strange relief, some strange high of knowing that others will read this. and its a simple, yet complicated type of motivation to share it...to write it....to show it....to tell it....to paste it. everytime im about to paste something i get scared for a split second...like someone i know is going to judge me if they see what i wrote or what i thought....
and then i realize that i want to be a writer and thats what being a writer is. sometimes you may offend someone. sometimes you may say something you may have not said otherwise. sometimes you do stupid things and share them with the world. but thats what being a writer is.
so "in conclusion..." be a blogger. do it. share with us what you want to say. what is on your mind? its so refreshing. its so great. be a writer. even if its not for a grade, just do it. just BE it. if no one you even know will ever read it....someone will....and thats what makes all the difference.
"just do it" ~~nike....[how stupid. i cant believe i just said that....]
Saturday, December 18, 2004
first snow fall
i came here in the summer. i remember standing on my balcony sweating, smoking a cigarette. the heat was about 85* in july. the nights were warm, sometimes too hot, but usually perfect nights.
tonight i looked out and saw the first snow fall. i went out on the balcony. this time with no cigarette, but with a bottle of wine. i stood out there, roommates gone. the ones who once would share a cigarette with me--have packed up and left. im the last one to go. just like i always have been. last one to leave to go away to college, last one to leave college. but i am finally ready.
the snow is beautiful. the whiteness of it. the perfection of each flake--its a wonder to my mind and to my eyes. i just stood out there. examining the last 6 months. i have changed in so many ways. some for the better and some for the worst. back to the snow...i felt like i was in a movie. just standing there looking around wondering thinking believing, not believing, knowing, loving each second of it, hating my life, loving who i have become. i was in a movie, in my head. it was the perfect scene. the ending of a really sad movie, yet its not sad at the ending of it. its when the watchers are left not knowing a thing, and they can interpret it however they want to.
sometimes i wish i could be a snowflake. travel down very very slowly until you land on something and then look around at ease and at peace and then melt away. sometimes i think my life is a snowflake. sometimes i guess i could be considered a snowflake. i guess my life could be just like the life of a snowflake.
the wine tasted much better when i was standing out on the balcony. i was in a t-shirt and sandals, like it was summer all over again. i sometimes wish it was still summer, but then i realize how i was in a serious state of depression and never want to go back to that time--ever.
my, how time has passed, and things have changed. this summer up until now has been the biggest growth spurt for me in my entire life. now that i look back at it, after these last few months of being here, i can honestly say i know who i am.
am i happy with that person? no. of course not. i can never be pleased. but thats exactly who i am and i have finally realized that.
i love the snow. i love summer nights yes of course. i love the snow though also. which is better...well im not one to judge. guess its the mood at the time.
im sad for some reason. dont know why though. am i sad to leave? yes and no. more no than yes. all i needed was one more semester and i was right. im ready to move on. so why am i sad? cant tell you. maybe its the changing of the seasons? maybe its the changing of myself? maybe its the changing of playing in the rain to playing in the snow? cant tell you why im sad. i dont know.
im gonna go. gonna go back out on my balcony in my t-shirt and sandals. gonna bring my bottle of wine out there with me. gonna go buy a pack of smokes just to have one more, one last time. its like the beginning and end at the same time. its like it ended as soon as it began. its my life.
i love the snow. the whiteness and purity of frozen water is magnificent. but only the first snowfall of course. after that the snow gets dirty and melts and turns into slush and is ugly. i only want my life to be like ONE snowflake, and like the FIRST snowfall. nothing more, nothing less.
happy first snow fall! enjoy it! pretend its summer in the winter! but make it better the second time around!
tonight i looked out and saw the first snow fall. i went out on the balcony. this time with no cigarette, but with a bottle of wine. i stood out there, roommates gone. the ones who once would share a cigarette with me--have packed up and left. im the last one to go. just like i always have been. last one to leave to go away to college, last one to leave college. but i am finally ready.
the snow is beautiful. the whiteness of it. the perfection of each flake--its a wonder to my mind and to my eyes. i just stood out there. examining the last 6 months. i have changed in so many ways. some for the better and some for the worst. back to the snow...i felt like i was in a movie. just standing there looking around wondering thinking believing, not believing, knowing, loving each second of it, hating my life, loving who i have become. i was in a movie, in my head. it was the perfect scene. the ending of a really sad movie, yet its not sad at the ending of it. its when the watchers are left not knowing a thing, and they can interpret it however they want to.
sometimes i wish i could be a snowflake. travel down very very slowly until you land on something and then look around at ease and at peace and then melt away. sometimes i think my life is a snowflake. sometimes i guess i could be considered a snowflake. i guess my life could be just like the life of a snowflake.
the wine tasted much better when i was standing out on the balcony. i was in a t-shirt and sandals, like it was summer all over again. i sometimes wish it was still summer, but then i realize how i was in a serious state of depression and never want to go back to that time--ever.
my, how time has passed, and things have changed. this summer up until now has been the biggest growth spurt for me in my entire life. now that i look back at it, after these last few months of being here, i can honestly say i know who i am.
am i happy with that person? no. of course not. i can never be pleased. but thats exactly who i am and i have finally realized that.
i love the snow. i love summer nights yes of course. i love the snow though also. which is better...well im not one to judge. guess its the mood at the time.
im sad for some reason. dont know why though. am i sad to leave? yes and no. more no than yes. all i needed was one more semester and i was right. im ready to move on. so why am i sad? cant tell you. maybe its the changing of the seasons? maybe its the changing of myself? maybe its the changing of playing in the rain to playing in the snow? cant tell you why im sad. i dont know.
im gonna go. gonna go back out on my balcony in my t-shirt and sandals. gonna bring my bottle of wine out there with me. gonna go buy a pack of smokes just to have one more, one last time. its like the beginning and end at the same time. its like it ended as soon as it began. its my life.
i love the snow. the whiteness and purity of frozen water is magnificent. but only the first snowfall of course. after that the snow gets dirty and melts and turns into slush and is ugly. i only want my life to be like ONE snowflake, and like the FIRST snowfall. nothing more, nothing less.
happy first snow fall! enjoy it! pretend its summer in the winter! but make it better the second time around!
12-17-04
time in my life: i always thought that when i graduated from purdue my life was going to end. then i graduated. and i was so scared. i stayed at school for one more semester. felt like i was everything before i graduated. and then nothing afterwards. how sad. i worked. had a real job. became an adult. all the while, thinking it was over it--college---but really seeing that it wasnt at all. they say high school is the best time in your life...well its obvious those people didnt go to college. i say that now because i had a student who wrote something about high school being the best time in her life, when she learns and finds out who she is really is...well i can only pray that she go to college and really see the truth. she knows that im talking about her and she will know what i mean after she goes to college. anyways....so im sad tonight. i cant figure out why. is it because im finally leaving? is it because that for once i thought highly of myself and though i was becoming somewhat decent at something--teaching? who knows? i feel as though i have a small bond with my students and really relate to them. if they only knew. its so funny to think that they think highly of me, or that im better, or that i am some sort of "higher up." im not at all. lets be honest. i love those kids like they are the ones i supervised at the pool. [where i worked for a few summers]. i love them. in the way that 1. i look out for them like they are my little brother or sister. 2. i want the best for them. 3. i want them to all succeed. 4. they are so awesome. i have the best time with them. they dont realize that its my job to teach them. they dont see that all i ever wanted was for them to pass the class. they dont see that i really dont care about their grades, its the school that does. they dont see that i was in their shoes only 5 years ago. they dont see. its so funny to me. i dont care. i know what high school was like. i hated high school. HATED it. remember i never was asked to a dance?! i hated school. these kids think that i know nothing. do i like usher? they ask me. how funny. do i look that old?!?! anyways...they dont get it. im not out to fail them. i love them as my students. they are so fun. they are soooooooooo funny to me.....owell. things they say, times when they fart in class, times when they fall out of their chairs. all i want to do is laugh, but no...i have to be this "Teacher" this role model type. this...someone who is not me. they can be so cool they have no idea. they all have no idea what lies ahead of them...no clue. wait til they all go to college...they will see. and they will have no clue about me or even remember me...but i will remember them. each and everyone of them....they were my first students.....how fun. they wont know me, but i will know them.
anyways...so im so sad about tonight. leaving all and everything behind me. all but my future---grad school, which ive wanted for so long now.....and now it seems so sudden. so unreal...so not there, so not true. so fake. it is fake. but im going to michigan. going there for some reason that i always told myself i would never do...for a guy. but im happy now about it. and thats all that matters. but im leaving my life. MY LIFE. this has been life for 4.5 years now. longer if you count my sister being here. 4.5 years. purdue PURDUE. wouldnt change it for the world. would not change it for the world.
ive cried my tears. ive laughed my funny times. ive drank ALL the beer. ive seen the fights, the shows, the acts. ive played the games. ive done [and passed] the classes. ive met the strangers. ive seen the bars packed and emptied. ive walked campus late at night when no one else is around. ive done it all.
and im done. ive graduated. why am i so sad about it all? its because im afraid. im afraid of change. im afraid of leaving. for once in my life i know what is real. i know what and who i am. and for once in my life i dont know what comes next. what does come next? im scared. who do i meet now? havent i met all the friends i need to know? where do i go now? home? where is that nowadays? who do i become when i am no longer here? no longer "purdue?" what then? what next? who next?
purdue. who would have thought? who would have thought me...graduating with honors---doing it all--would be so sad? i am a teacher?!?! WHAT? if those kids only knew me...haha, they would be BLOWN away!!!! haha, just ask the one who saw me on Homecoming night by the bars after i had "been out" for 17 hours...he knows. haha! if those kids only knew...it makes me think about my teachers in high school....wow! who would have thought....being a TEACHER...would make me so sad? those of you who know me, know that i complained each and everyday about it. but really, deep down inside i loved it. it was a good time. a lot of stress, but i loved it. i tried my best to have those kids pass. i did all that i could--i feel at least. maybe i could have done more? who knows? at least i know that i tried and i can learn from my mistakes and move on to being a better teacher. those kids dont have any clue how hard i tried. i hated teaching and i loved teaching because of them. i hated to love it and i loved to hate it--teaching. tried my hardest. and im so sad to leave them. i really am. had a lot of good ones, and a lot of shitty ones.
i guess i feel like ive done all i could at this place. its time to pack up and go. and im ok with that. i am ok. remember...."by tuesday i will be fine."
anyways...so im so sad about tonight. leaving all and everything behind me. all but my future---grad school, which ive wanted for so long now.....and now it seems so sudden. so unreal...so not there, so not true. so fake. it is fake. but im going to michigan. going there for some reason that i always told myself i would never do...for a guy. but im happy now about it. and thats all that matters. but im leaving my life. MY LIFE. this has been life for 4.5 years now. longer if you count my sister being here. 4.5 years. purdue PURDUE. wouldnt change it for the world. would not change it for the world.
ive cried my tears. ive laughed my funny times. ive drank ALL the beer. ive seen the fights, the shows, the acts. ive played the games. ive done [and passed] the classes. ive met the strangers. ive seen the bars packed and emptied. ive walked campus late at night when no one else is around. ive done it all.
and im done. ive graduated. why am i so sad about it all? its because im afraid. im afraid of change. im afraid of leaving. for once in my life i know what is real. i know what and who i am. and for once in my life i dont know what comes next. what does come next? im scared. who do i meet now? havent i met all the friends i need to know? where do i go now? home? where is that nowadays? who do i become when i am no longer here? no longer "purdue?" what then? what next? who next?
purdue. who would have thought? who would have thought me...graduating with honors---doing it all--would be so sad? i am a teacher?!?! WHAT? if those kids only knew me...haha, they would be BLOWN away!!!! haha, just ask the one who saw me on Homecoming night by the bars after i had "been out" for 17 hours...he knows. haha! if those kids only knew...it makes me think about my teachers in high school....wow! who would have thought....being a TEACHER...would make me so sad? those of you who know me, know that i complained each and everyday about it. but really, deep down inside i loved it. it was a good time. a lot of stress, but i loved it. i tried my best to have those kids pass. i did all that i could--i feel at least. maybe i could have done more? who knows? at least i know that i tried and i can learn from my mistakes and move on to being a better teacher. those kids dont have any clue how hard i tried. i hated teaching and i loved teaching because of them. i hated to love it and i loved to hate it--teaching. tried my hardest. and im so sad to leave them. i really am. had a lot of good ones, and a lot of shitty ones.
i guess i feel like ive done all i could at this place. its time to pack up and go. and im ok with that. i am ok. remember...."by tuesday i will be fine."
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
realizations
i just realized tonight what a horrible friend i have been to one person in particular in my life. and thats just it....he was not really so much in my life at all for the past 3 years. but you know, he was one of those people who is always in the back of your mind, just there, just thinking about them, maybe remembering something and that person pops up, or you go home and someone says "oh i saw so and so the other night," and it makes you consider calling that person just to say hi....yea, one of those....a friend...who was once a really good friend, and time or something just got in the way...life got in the way....one of those....
i found out tonight, that since the last time i talked to my friend, he has 1. met a lady 2. proposed to her 3. got engaged 4. got married 5. has a one year old daughter 6. has another baby on the way and 7. is building a house. All this has happened in his life in 3 years. i know the phone works both ways so i know that i cant be too down on myself about this, but still...after all that time of knowing each other, we slipped away from it all. i tried to tell myself "oh, it was just that i was so busy in college." but come on...sure i was always super busy, but too busy to pick up the phone and call someone? i guess it was more like an excuse; "i always tried to be too busy." how horrible.
i cant fully understand and believe that 1. its been that long since i have talked to him 2. i actually did that to someone [totally left them out in the dark] 3. never tried just a little bit harder 4. let a great friendship completely slip away 5. i had forgotten all the memories [good and bad] 6. acted that way. i am shocked with myself, and rather disgusted to be honest. when he told me what was "going on in his life" i didnt know what to say! all i could feel inside was "wow, its really been only 3 short [but long] years, and all i have done is graduate?!?!?!"
its amazing how one conversation can completely change your life, your outlook on things, and can make a person change. all i can think about now are all the people who i have lost contact with--from high school, from my freshman year at purdue, since i graduated, and not to mention all the people that i will someday lose contact with. its a given. people move on--to bigger and [sometimes] better things. people move on--not necessarily "get over" a person, but everyone sometime or another has to move on--grow up. i guess it just wanst until today that i realized what could happen from the time you talk to someone until you talk to them again, someday down the road. [how interesting my high school reunion is going to be....] you just do---move on. you have to. everyone has their own lives and day by day each one of us moves on. not everyone you know is going to know about it either. it takes two. both parties have to give a little. how strange. i didnt think back then that when the next time came that i talk to this person, he was going to be married, with two children, and building a house for him and his family to live in. its amazing how some of us just grow up so much quicker than others.
i guess my only advice is dont wait 3 years to call someone. try a little harder. you never know what you are going to miss. and trust me, feeling the way i do right now sucks. i still cant believe that 3 years ago we were talking about buying new cars and working together at best buy....its so cliche, but my....how time flies...[when youre having fun...], and only if its truly "having fun." not making up an excuse that you were.
people i need to call or write to tomorrow....hmm....
----->(i guess though, what would suck more, is when you try to get in contact with someone and they just dont try back--at all--its like they dont care about you or your life at all anymore. im sure that is worse, and more depressing. im glad that at least i have come to this realization and can change. otherwise, one day---someone out there is going to want to contact someone, and that person wont be around anymore. and thats probably an even worse feeling to have than the one i have right now..... at least you know that you were the one who tried...thats all a person can do....thats another blog, another time.....)<------
i found out tonight, that since the last time i talked to my friend, he has 1. met a lady 2. proposed to her 3. got engaged 4. got married 5. has a one year old daughter 6. has another baby on the way and 7. is building a house. All this has happened in his life in 3 years. i know the phone works both ways so i know that i cant be too down on myself about this, but still...after all that time of knowing each other, we slipped away from it all. i tried to tell myself "oh, it was just that i was so busy in college." but come on...sure i was always super busy, but too busy to pick up the phone and call someone? i guess it was more like an excuse; "i always tried to be too busy." how horrible.
i cant fully understand and believe that 1. its been that long since i have talked to him 2. i actually did that to someone [totally left them out in the dark] 3. never tried just a little bit harder 4. let a great friendship completely slip away 5. i had forgotten all the memories [good and bad] 6. acted that way. i am shocked with myself, and rather disgusted to be honest. when he told me what was "going on in his life" i didnt know what to say! all i could feel inside was "wow, its really been only 3 short [but long] years, and all i have done is graduate?!?!?!"
its amazing how one conversation can completely change your life, your outlook on things, and can make a person change. all i can think about now are all the people who i have lost contact with--from high school, from my freshman year at purdue, since i graduated, and not to mention all the people that i will someday lose contact with. its a given. people move on--to bigger and [sometimes] better things. people move on--not necessarily "get over" a person, but everyone sometime or another has to move on--grow up. i guess it just wanst until today that i realized what could happen from the time you talk to someone until you talk to them again, someday down the road. [how interesting my high school reunion is going to be....] you just do---move on. you have to. everyone has their own lives and day by day each one of us moves on. not everyone you know is going to know about it either. it takes two. both parties have to give a little. how strange. i didnt think back then that when the next time came that i talk to this person, he was going to be married, with two children, and building a house for him and his family to live in. its amazing how some of us just grow up so much quicker than others.
i guess my only advice is dont wait 3 years to call someone. try a little harder. you never know what you are going to miss. and trust me, feeling the way i do right now sucks. i still cant believe that 3 years ago we were talking about buying new cars and working together at best buy....its so cliche, but my....how time flies...[when youre having fun...], and only if its truly "having fun." not making up an excuse that you were.
people i need to call or write to tomorrow....hmm....
----->(i guess though, what would suck more, is when you try to get in contact with someone and they just dont try back--at all--its like they dont care about you or your life at all anymore. im sure that is worse, and more depressing. im glad that at least i have come to this realization and can change. otherwise, one day---someone out there is going to want to contact someone, and that person wont be around anymore. and thats probably an even worse feeling to have than the one i have right now..... at least you know that you were the one who tried...thats all a person can do....thats another blog, another time.....)<------
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
i know...
i know i cant push time but i want it to be tomorrow
i am so impatient.
i say im too busy for love but i want true love today
i say i want to be independent but im just too stubborn to admit i need anyone
i know im not fat but i want to lose 12 pounds
i love to hate and i hate to love
i want to love but i hate hugging
i think i need to be better than others but i know im fine the way i am
i think im not worth anything but i am to at least one person out there
i know i should be happy but i cry myself to sleep sometimes
i want to be an actress and i put on a show each day
im here.
i feel strong but i know im weak
i know im jealous of others but i have a great life
i open up to anyone but no one knows the real me
i try to figure out who i am but i dont know the real me
i realize all of this.
i know there are people here for me but i dont give them a chance
i know i give good advice but i never listen to myself
i know its easier to be happy but i put more effort into being mad
i know im sheltered but i know a lot
i have so many goals but i always make up excuses to work towards them
i have this front that i know im just afraid to lose
i know im an adult but inside im just a child
just a child
i know all of this.
so what then?
i am so impatient.
i say im too busy for love but i want true love today
i say i want to be independent but im just too stubborn to admit i need anyone
i know im not fat but i want to lose 12 pounds
i love to hate and i hate to love
i want to love but i hate hugging
i think i need to be better than others but i know im fine the way i am
i think im not worth anything but i am to at least one person out there
i know i should be happy but i cry myself to sleep sometimes
i want to be an actress and i put on a show each day
im here.
i feel strong but i know im weak
i know im jealous of others but i have a great life
i open up to anyone but no one knows the real me
i try to figure out who i am but i dont know the real me
i realize all of this.
i know there are people here for me but i dont give them a chance
i know i give good advice but i never listen to myself
i know its easier to be happy but i put more effort into being mad
i know im sheltered but i know a lot
i have so many goals but i always make up excuses to work towards them
i have this front that i know im just afraid to lose
i know im an adult but inside im just a child
just a child
i know all of this.
so what then?
boredom
im gonna get out of this place
as soon as i can find my way
but until then all i gotta say:
is look a little deeper
try a little harder
keep focused
the stars tell it all
they never lie
and from what i can see
you have a beautiful future
as soon as i can find my way
but until then all i gotta say:
is look a little deeper
try a little harder
keep focused
the stars tell it all
they never lie
and from what i can see
you have a beautiful future
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
