back again

I really need to start writing more and more. 

Song #1

I’m done. 

I gotta be. 

It was fun

Though

For the short time it lasted

You aren’t lying, 

but you’re sure not telling me the truth. 

You left out some details

It’s my time

raisin my white sail 

even though i don’t want to

I do not need to be sitting here 

wine glass in my hand

wondering if and when you’ll call

I’m better than that 

You tell me all I want to hear

and it’s so sweet

i think you mean it

but you need to get 

your own shit together first

Figure out what you want

i cant promise I’ll still be here

I do not need to be sitting here 

wine glass in my hand

wondering if and when you’ll call

I’m better than that

I’ve been here and done this

many times before

unfortunately for you 

i have learned from guys like you

Trying my hardest 

not to care

spare

me the time 

spare me my tears

Figure it out

see if i’m here when youre done

I do not need to be sitting here 

wine glass in my hand

wondering if and when you’ll call

I’m better than that

you wont call

and i know

i’m better than this

...............But my wine is good

White wine from a box

worth it

worth drinking it 

if it’s to get over you....

again, its been a while

and i just finished a 6-pack. 

i sense myself getting back into the old habit of drinking away, or into, my problems and depressions. 

its summer. 

im here in michigan. 

i feel alone. 

although i have people in my life. 

i think. 

sometimes i just get too caught up in the fact that everyone seems to have their own lives. 

already. 

families. 

kids. 

their own/other friends. 

me. not so much. 

im just a floater. 

and i really, usually, enjoy it. 

most of the time. 

except for nights like these. 

then i start to sulk and feel sorry for myself. 

like why i ever moved here. and why im still here. its because i always seem to tell myself that there is supposed to be something here for me. 

i just need to find it. 

and maybe its here already. or maybe its not. but how am i supposed to know? 

so i start to feel sorry for myself. 

i start to think about moving. and going somewhere else. but where? 

wont it just be the same if i go someplace else? wherever that may be...everyone will be established. everyone will have someone else in their lives. everyone will have their own life. 

it doesnt matter. 

i will never be happy it seems. i will never find what i am looking for. or at least it seems. sometimes i just wish that what i dream....actually dream...at night...when i wake up in cold or hot sweats...would come true. 

OXYMORON

1657, from Gk. oxymoron, noun use of neut. of oxymoros (adj.) "pointedly foolish," from oxys "sharp" + moros "stupid." Rhetorical figure by which contradictory terms are conjoined so as to give point to the statement or expression; the word itself is an illustration of the thing. Now often used loosely to mean "contradiction in terms."

"Fictional Memoir" 

my story

it's going well. but what can i say? it's only january 3rd and i am still on break from work. hopefully i will still manage to find the time to write once i start teaching again. at the same time, i hope my life takes me some places that will be really good for Steph's story. I want drama, but not all the time. I want "good" drama. But I am really good at embellishing and using my imagination, so if it doesn't happen, i can always write it into the story. 

i know i know...I'm using my real name for my story. I could not think of a better one to use. I thought of what i thought i look like? you know...like people sometimes say, "oh you look like a [insert random name here]..." and i thought i simply look like me; a Stephanie. I also thought of what the other options of my name could have been based off of what my parents told me, and Kimberly just does not suit me at all. Plus, according to my parents, my sister chose the name Stephanie. And it means "crown" and i like crowns. ha. lastly, i figured this new "story" of mine is just that: Mine. 

like i say on the blog: my story. her story. living through my words.

1/2 fiction

1/2 non fiction

factual fiction / fictional facts

Writers

"Writers crave Experience."