umm...

can it be?

2012-01-19T20:35:00.001-05:00

sheesh.

im just letting it go tonight.

it's happening again

2011-12-24T03:25:00.004-05:00

it used to be that when i was little, i couldn't sleep the night before Christmas Eve. so, Christmas Eve eve :) i remember tossing and turning; having very strange, vivid dreams. i could not wait until our small and rather strange family traditions began on Christmas Eve.

it's 2011, im 29 years old, and it happened again tonight. only this time it's not anticipation that keeps me awake. instead, it's worry. and sadness. and racing thoughts.

im so ready for a new year to come.

im worried about which road my life will begin to go down.

im so ready for the holidays to pass.

it brings me sadness that my entire family will not be together.

im so ready for a good night's sleep.

these racing thoughts are turning into nightmares.

once again, it's me world

2011-12-18T02:46:00.002-05:00

wow. again, it's been forever and a year since i blogged on here. so much as happened, and yet, so much has stayed the same. it's 2:45 my time and i just sort of 'hung up' with someone...i guess nowadays ending a texting conversation is a way of hanging up....? i feel bad for 'hanging up' with the person seeing as though im still up, but i had no intention to sit here and start typing this. i mean, it's late. im tired. im freezing in my house. and i have a million and one things to get done tomorrow because i was otherwise occupied all day...doing pretty much nothing...but having the best day all the same....doing nothing at all with someone... and still having a great day says a lot; multitudes really, of that one person. who is miles away.

i couldnt sleep. for multiple reasons.

the most obvious and boring: i had a coughing attack. fighting this stupid cold, and i had to get up and get a cough drop.

the subtle and more interesting: im about to go through some pretty serious life changes here in my life, and i am pretty sure its going to affect more than just me. and im not sure what to think. or do. or say. or feel....im all over the place.

my emotions are:

excited yet scared.

nervous yet anxious.

dreamy yet realistic.

calm yet crazy wild.

childish yet mature.

open yet shut off.

im becoming something(s) ive never been before:

im learning how to be vulnerable yet strong.

im growing older with age but im feeling younger with life.

im becoming very lost and yet more perceptive than ever.

im losing my mind, but gaining so much knowledge.

im forgetting who i thought i was and being introduced to who ive always wanted to be.

im learning to see the world through two sets of eyes, but only one heart.

at least one thing has not changed. i'm still very much in love with the oxymorons of my life.

good night moon.

back again

2009-08-05T10:31:00.001-04:00

I really need to start writing more and more.

Song #1

2009-07-13T01:16:00.000-04:00

I’m done.

I gotta be.

It was fun

Though

For the short time it lasted

You aren’t lying,

but you’re sure not telling me the truth.

You left out some details

It’s my time

raisin my white sail

even though i don’t want to

I do not need to be sitting here

wine glass in my hand

wondering if and when you’ll call

I’m better than that

You tell me all I want to hear

and it’s so sweet

i think you mean it

but you need to get

your own shit together first

Figure out what you want

i cant promise I’ll still be here

I do not need to be sitting here

wine glass in my hand

wondering if and when you’ll call

I’m better than that

I’ve been here and done this

many times before

unfortunately for you

i have learned from guys like you

Trying my hardest

not to care

spare

me the time

spare me my tears

Figure it out

see if i’m here when youre done

I do not need to be sitting here

wine glass in my hand

wondering if and when you’ll call

I’m better than that

you wont call

and i know

i’m better than this

...............But my wine is good

White wine from a box

worth it

worth drinking it

if it’s to get over you....

again, its been a while

2009-05-21T22:15:00.002-04:00

and i just finished a 6-pack.

i sense myself getting back into the old habit of drinking away, or into, my problems and depressions.

its summer.

im here in michigan.

i feel alone.

although i have people in my life.

i think.

sometimes i just get too caught up in the fact that everyone seems to have their own lives.

already.

families.

kids.

their own/other friends.

me. not so much.

im just a floater.

and i really, usually, enjoy it.

most of the time.

except for nights like these.

then i start to sulk and feel sorry for myself.

like why i ever moved here. and why im still here. its because i always seem to tell myself that there is supposed to be something here for me.

i just need to find it.

and maybe its here already. or maybe its not. but how am i supposed to know?

so i start to feel sorry for myself.

i start to think about moving. and going somewhere else. but where?

wont it just be the same if i go someplace else? wherever that may be...everyone will be established. everyone will have someone else in their lives. everyone will have their own life.

it doesnt matter.

i will never be happy it seems. i will never find what i am looking for. or at least it seems. sometimes i just wish that what i dream....actually dream...at night...when i wake up in cold or hot sweats...would come true.

OXYMORON

2009-01-03T23:04:00.001-05:00

1657, from Gk. oxymoron, noun use of neut. of oxymoros (adj.) "pointedly foolish," from oxys "sharp" + moros "stupid." Rhetorical figure by which contradictory terms are conjoined so as to give point to the statement or expression; the word itself is an illustration of the thing. Now often used loosely to mean "contradiction in terms."

"Fictional Memoir"

my story

2009-01-03T22:51:00.002-05:00

it's going well. but what can i say? it's only january 3rd and i am still on break from work. hopefully i will still manage to find the time to write once i start teaching again. at the same time, i hope my life takes me some places that will be really good for Steph's story. I want drama, but not all the time. I want "good" drama. But I am really good at embellishing and using my imagination, so if it doesn't happen, i can always write it into the story.

i know i know...I'm using my real name for my story. I could not think of a better one to use. I thought of what i thought i look like? you know...like people sometimes say, "oh you look like a [insert random name here]..." and i thought i simply look like me; a Stephanie. I also thought of what the other options of my name could have been based off of what my parents told me, and Kimberly just does not suit me at all. Plus, according to my parents, my sister chose the name Stephanie. And it means "crown" and i like crowns. ha. lastly, i figured this new "story" of mine is just that: Mine.

like i say on the blog: my story. her story. living through my words.

1/2 fiction

1/2 non fiction

factual fiction / fictional facts

Writers

2009-01-02T19:56:00.001-05:00

"Writers crave Experience."

2 more days

2008-12-30T22:32:00.002-05:00

when i was a young girl i remember reading this book. i have no idea what the title was called. i didnt actually read it; my mom or dad read it to me each night. i remember my dad reading it to me more than my mom actually. it was a story that went on for 365 days. each night/day you would read a page of the story and it told the lives/story of a little group of animal friends and their families.

i looked it up and searched and searched. my parents have no idea what it is that i am talking about. i know this is actually one thing that i am NOT making up from my childhood...sometimes i feel as though i think things that never really happened. i know this to be true. the only thing i could find is this:

http://www.logan.com/loganberry/most-gilbert.html

AND

http://www.alibris.com/search/books/qwork/8391887/used/A%20Story-A-Day:%20365%20Stories%20&%20Rhymes

But it's not it! the book i was talking about was a continuous story....about a group of animals that lived on a street and were all friends and their story continued each day. it was great. i am so sad that i cannot find it.

But that is not what i am talking about. i am so sad that i cannot find it online. anyways, the point of this post is this:

i plan on doing the same exact thing. starting on january 1st. i plan to document my 2009 year. however, since i have always wanted to be a writer, i plan to make it [as jimmy buffett would say]: "FICTIONAL FACTS, AND FACTUAL FICTION"

in other words, what is typed might not all be true, while some of it may be. i am excited about this, as i can finally do something that i have wanted to do with my life. [hopefully] each night, or morning, i will update the story of me, or shall i say, my character. it will be so much fun. i cannot wait. i will post the new blog site for my story. please help me along with this, as i think many of us will be able to relate to this young woman's story.

happy new year. i am hoping this is the year of Stephanie. i think it's about my time! =)

my speech

2008-12-17T22:37:00.002-05:00

written over a bottle of white wine. "there was not a dry eye in the room." it went something like this. i did improv a bit once i was up there.

You know the second you asked me to be your maid of honor, i sat down and wrote my speech. i’m sure you are not all that surprised. So, here it all goes:

“Treat your love like a firefly. like it only gets to shine for a little while. catch it in a Mason jar with holes on the top. and then run like hell to show it off.”

i know you both are not big country fans, but its one of my favorite lyrics. and when i sat down to write this, its the first thing that came to my mind.

you guys have a love like a firefly’s light--you need to run with it and show it off. you need to show others that true love does exist. run with it. show it off. let everyone know.

now, for each of you....

kyle, i will start with you, because you are the easy one. you are amazing. i am so happy my sister found you. you are her disco ball to her dance floor; and she is your italian dressing to your cheese cubes. (i will never understand your weird food cravings between that and vanilla frosting right out of the jar.) anyways, you are my sister’s balance. you make her not only a better person, you make her the woman i know she always longed to be. when she is stressed, you calm her down. you see the best in her and it shows. she is happy. not just content. she is perfect with you. you together are harmony. i really believe she found herself through you. you are the man she always longed to find. and i cannot be happier that she found you. kyle, i am so happy and proud to call you my brother.

Kristina - i dont even know where to start. im sure by this time as i read this i will be crying, as i am crying while i write it. we have had a long, dramatic, life together. you know this, i know this. mom and dad REALLY know this. kyle knows this. its no secret. but i want you to know how much i love you. as a sister and a friend. it’s a shame i had to wait until your wedding to tell you this. so it’s now or never. you are amazing. you are so strong---just like mom. i look up to you both like you can never imagine. i think throughout our lives together i have envied that about you. [perfect example, i am probably crying now, and you are sitting there straight faced and serious. i am weak, you are strong.] you are everything i am not. and it’s that about you which i absolutely love. i am so happy that you found your true love, kyle. you have no idea how happy i am for you both. i am truly honored that you gave in and asked me to be your maid of honor. i know it sounds cheesy, but this has been one of my childhood dreams - to be my older sister’s maid of honor. to help you with your dress, to be up here tonight. to be your right-hand-man, or woman--on this most special day in your life, i could not ask for anything more. I am so proud of you--for everything you have accomplished in your life. for doing things on your own, for taking risks, for believing in me and always being honest--even when the truth hurts. i can always count on you. for 26 years of my life you have been there for me. whether its pushing me off my bike, fighting over something stupid, whatever. you are and always will be-- my sister, and my friend.

let us raise our glasses - - -

To you both, continue to bring out the best in each other. continue to be yourselves. continue to love. just continue. forever.

May your light shine longer than any firefly. may that same light shine forever between the two of you. and may others look to your light, your love, as the perfect example.

I love you both. Congratulations.

something else i wrote a few weeks ago

2008-12-17T22:34:00.001-05:00

i cannot sleep. its late for me--almost ten on a week night. yet, my brain is being over taken by these thoughts. thoughts of the past. its been a week now since i talked to you. before that it had been about 2 years. your voice was the same. your stubborn attitude. your monotone, laid-back, relaxed responses. still kills me. for years now it’s always been you. you are all i think about. and i know i am the last girl, the last person, the last one you think about. i feel this...thing...this feeling...this spark that is still there. and i know, deep down inside that you still do think about me...even if it is just now and then. once a year. when you hear my favorite cheese. i know. and i tell myself i cannot wait forever. but i think i will. until someone else walks into my life that i dont actually compare to you.

there is someone who loves me more than his own life. someone who would and who does absolutely anything and everything for me. yet i just cannot get myself to feel the same way about him. its sad really. in all honesty. that there is a person out there who feels that much love towards someone. towards me. and that i can not give it back to him. its depressing. its a tragedy really. a true and complete tragedy.

one of the last things you told me was to let go of my emotional ties and that its time to move on. thanks ass hole as if i dont know that already. and by the way, im working on it. i am practicing each night before i go to bed. asking the Lord to give me strength to move on. so far He has not shown me the light completely, but i know He will. I am beginning to truly leave my hope and faith in Him. something you would never approve of, im sure. something you would never believe in. something i would never have gotten to know if i was still with you. but something that is now within me. and something that no one can take away from me.

monday night 9:50 - 10:27 dec 1 2008

scary

2008-12-17T22:29:00.002-05:00

sometimes i write on my computer and then save it just because i am not connected to the internet to post right away. i was just looking through my files, and found an entry titled "scary one." i almost posted it, but then i read it. i am messed up. that is all i have to say. i could not believe that i wrote what i wrote. maybe one day if i get the nerve i will post it. but until then, it is my dirty little secret. weird. freaked myself out.

2008-12-01T21:45:00.002-05:00

it's been a while since i wrote on this. a lot has happened. my past is catching up with me.

haha, im so annoyed at myself

2008-08-26T00:50:00.001-04:00

my blog is so boring. all i ever do is quote song lyrics. i need to stop.

sometimes, the songs just make so much sense. they say exactly what i want to say. but just cant.

scared

2008-08-26T00:36:00.002-04:00

i found this while i was at home. and i thought it was worthy. i have been meaning to type it up on here. i have no idea when i wrote this, nor for that matter who it was about. but i read this, closed my eyes, and realized that most of can relate to this situation at one time or another in our lives.

that one time when you are awake. and the person next to you was asleep. you just want to reach out and touch them. but you are afraid. you dont want to wake that person. and if they do wake up, what will they think.....can anyone else relate?

lying next to you

i want to reach out

touch you

im scared

im wide awake

you

asleep

by my side

next to me

in my territory

my hands

on your chest

my arm

on top of yours

i cannot do it

my hand

wrapped up

in your fingers

a simple squeeze

i hope you can

feel it

i wish

i could

do it

easily

without thinking

i reach out

pull back

once more

still cannot do it

go to sleep

angry

with myself

still scared

will you ever know

cried again

2008-08-26T00:30:00.001-04:00

http://staroftheseabreezes.blogspot.com/

My New Love

2008-08-26T00:25:00.001-04:00

Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz

You’ve got the best of both worlds
You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man then lift him back up again
You are strong but you’re needed, humble but you’re greeted
And based on your body language and shotty cursive I’ve been reading
You’re style is quite selective though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don’t mind my nerve you can call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they’re quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
There’s no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these words
I’m paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging

But it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blames
And the kind and courteous is a life I’ve heard
But it’s nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are
Here we are

We're still here

And it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words and priceless pictures
We’ll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today, oh the wait was so worth it

Here we are

Aug 18 entry

2008-08-21T23:50:00.001-04:00

Movies with Mom

Midnight - Aug 18

I went with my mom tonight to see the movie “Mama Mia.” She cried when Donna is helping Sophie get ready for her wedding, and she sings “Slipping Through My Fingers.” I could not help but think that mom had her and my older sister in mind while watching that scene.

I expect she did, especially if I was thinking the same thing.

My sister’s wedding is coming up in December and I know my mom does not sleep at night thinking about it. She has told me. Multiple times.

It’s totally understandable that she begins to get sad when imagining her oldest daughter moving on and getting married. I am sure there is some envy towards the young love, the whole “life ahead of them” feeling. Especially since my parents have nothing close to the idea marriage. They are not divorced, but sometimes we all agree that they should be. It’s sad really. It’s really, really sad in all actuality. I hate just thinking about it. How sad they must be.

Part of me, and it’s the selfish part of me, wonders if she will cry when my time comes. When I get married and move on to the young, endless, happy love. I’m sure she will. But it’s going to be the second-time-around-feeling. Won’t it?

My mom and I have a different relationship than hers with my sister. They are both a lot alike, and well, she was her first child. My mom has known her the longest, etc. I’m not jealous of it, I guess maybe I am a little. We just are not like they are. It’s just different.

On a different note, this one particular sentence really makes me stop and think about a conversation I just had the other night: But it’s going to be the second-time-around-feeling. Won’t it? I was asked if when/if I ever get proposed to again, will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? [My question to myself is, was I happy the first time? And clearly my answer is no.]

At first I was kind of taken aback by the person who asked me this. We barely know each other, and I was shocked [yet a bit impressed] that he had the guts to just come right out and ask me such a personal question. I can completely see where he was coming from, and why he was curious. Ironically, my ex fiance had already been married before me [sensing a bad pattern in his life yet?] and I asked him if proposing and getting married again would be as special and meaningful as the first time. Or, would it just be a “going with the flow,” “doing this once again” feeling? So, I understand where his question came from.

My answer: First of all, the strong curiosity of knowing the answer to this question might stem from something people cannot imagine unless they have experienced it. Hence, myself wondering the same thing from my ex fiance before we were even engaged. I believe it is a justified, normal question to ask. Not because I had the same question in my head, but because an engagement and marriage should only happen once. In the normal person’s mind you don’t grow up thinking or imagining a broken engagement or ending a marriage. So, when you hear that it didn’t work out once, and that it could happen again for a second time, wouldn’t you want to know if the same feelings are there, are they stronger, or are they weaker? The first time should be all that happens, and therefore all that should matter. However, in reality, the fairy tale endings do not always come true. Unless you have experienced the joy in an engagement and then the hurt in ending one, you cannot probably imagine having it happen all over again.

But I do. I can imagine it. And I pray that my time will come, and it will happen all over again for me. But better!

And this was somewhat my answer to this guy’s original question, will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? Yes and no. Let me explain.

I was happy the first time. But it was not right. The engagement was [what I believe] to be all a show and an act for my ex fiance. I am also to blame that I answered his proposal with a “yes” when I clearly was not ready. In some defense I always share with people with this story: When you are a little girl, and you imagine someone down on their knee with a ring, and he asks you to marry him, what is the response? It clearly is never “NO.” I was happy in the engagement. For about 3 months. I pray to God when/if my time comes again and someone asks me for their hand in marriage, I will be happy forever. NOT three months. So in that sense, NO I will not be as happy as I was the first time, I will be HAPPIER than the first time.

What is so good about this experience is that I know now, going into any relationship, that it must be right to begin with. That way, when he is down on his knee, this time I won’t have to think about the answer, I will just know.

It is such a sad thing. Such a sad experience that I went through, and I hate that someone would ever have to ask me that question: will I ever be as happy as I was the first time? God, I hope I am happier. I know I will be happier. It will be better than the first time because this second time, it will be right.

There will be no third times, no fourth times. I made a mistake, and it sucked. A lot. But I truly came out of it such a better person. One that knows what true love is NOT and what true love should be.

My true love.

My new favs

2008-08-16T17:34:00.003-04:00

http://www.myspace.com/kateisenbergmusic

http://www.myspace.com/treva

Treva's song "Home" says exactly how I feel about going home. Probably driving home tonight.

It's getting late on the interstate and I'm racing the setting sun
Another long day and I can hardly wait for the race to finally be done
The road is long that I travel on

Home feels so far away - I'd go but I know I can't stay
It's too far to drive tonight, too late to fly, so I pray
I pray for a strong steady hand and a soft place to land

A purple sky tries to lullaby eyes so tired, so heavy, so worn
On the right side a steady white line on a road so dark and cold
I'm holding on for the morning dawn

Home feels so far away - I'd go but I know I can't stay
It's too far to drive tonight, too late to fly, so I pray
I pray for a strong steady hand - and a soft place to land

You're Cheering Me Up and I'm Thanking You. Old Buffalo.

2008-08-16T17:28:00.000-04:00

So it goes
The ordinary people they do not know
Who we are
Or what we're doing here
I want you to pick up the phone
And hum the dial tone
You see we should start
From the top
And look at what we've got

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you

So it goes
The ordinary people they do not know
Who we are
Or what we're doing here
I want you to pick up the phone
And hum the dial tone
You see we should start from the top
And look at what we've got

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two

You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you
Guess what you are cheering me
up and I'm thanking you

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you

Wild flowers grow in the park
Summertime and it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two
You're cheering me up and I'm thanking you

Wishing. Sugarland.

2008-08-14T22:11:00.002-04:00

I know I know...What's the point of posting entries that just list the lyrics of songs? Well, usually I do it because I am listening to that song at the time, and it really just touches home, hits me in the heart. Tonight, it happened to be Sugarland's latest album. Three songs really reminded me of a situation going on in my life as I write this, right NOW. Some of the lyrics relate to me, and how I feel at the moment. The others, I think shed light on the same situation from the other person's perspective.

Sometimes it's a pair of
Old faded denim, I know
Is gonna fit me like a friend
Or some radio song
You can't help but sing along
Wishing they'd spin it over and over again
Could the windows down on a Sunday drive
Smelling rain on a summer night
Anything that brings a little more comfort my way

But sometimes
There's those times
Its gotta be you
I keep telling myself I'm moving on
But I'm stumbling
Believing my heart was strong enough
And now I'm wondering
But every step that I take that leads me away
Just circles back to your door
Wishing I didn't love you anymore

I've tried turning to
The arms of someone new
But I can't seem to fool this fool
I've seen closing times
With every bottle dry
I've seen days alone in my own room
I'll ask God and magazines
Stacks of books and movie screens
Anything to bring a little more comfort my way

But sometimes
There's those times
Its gotta be you
I keep telling myself I'm moving on
But I'm stumbling
Believing my heart was strong enough
And now I'm wondering
But every step that I take that leads me away
Just circles back to your door
Wishing I didn't love you anymore, of you
Give me More

I've done everything that I came to forget
If there is a way I ain't found it yet

I keep telling myself I'm moving on
Believing my heart was strong
But every step that I take that leads me away
Just circles back to your door
Wishing I didn't love you
What I'd give if I could touch you
Wishing I didn't love you anymore

Raindrops = Lullabies

2008-08-14T22:05:00.002-04:00

I wish it would rain. There is something about a soft rain on a cool night that puts me to sleep as if I were never going to wake up. Not death...just dream forever. I wish it would rain. The grass needs it as much as I do tonight.

What I'd Give. Sugarland

2008-08-14T22:01:00.001-04:00

What I'd give to bring you flowers.
What I'd give to get you alone.
What I'd give to bring a smile across your face.
What I'd give to take you home.
What I'd give to make you coffee.
Find out how you like your eggs.
Wrapped around you in the mornin'.
A tangled lace of arms and legs.

What I'd give to let you love me.
Find out everything that brings you joy.
Wake up to your face above me.
I'd be that girl and you could be that boy.
Find out why that feelin' is...
Oh, what I'd give. What I'd give.

What I'd give to take you dancin'.
What I'd give to make you mine.
If you got questions, I got answers.
And my answer's "yes" to you every time.
What I'd give for just one minute.
What I'd give to count all the ways
If your heart was dark with nothing in it.
I'd give you mine and take your place.

What I'd give to let you love me.
Find out everything that brings you joy.
Wake up to your face above me.
I'd be that girl and you could be that boy.
Find out why that feelin' is...
Oh, what I'd give. What I'd give.

Keep You. Sugarland.

2008-08-14T22:00:00.001-04:00

We said goodbye, tried her hand at magic
We couldn't make us disappear
Not a day goes by, I don't wish I had you
So run away, I'm glad you're still here

It's a bitter sweet victory
Lovin' the ghost in front of me

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide

What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you
From doin' this to me?

I wrote a couple of notes
One in love, one in anger
They're lyin' there
Dyin' in the dresser drawer

Lived louder than my voice
Struggled through a stranger
He loved me
Till I loved you even more

It's a bitter sweet victory
Lovin' someone else who wanted me

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide
You get used to the pain and numb to the sting
Till you can't feel anything

You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it
As if your words were my tears
Flowin' freely, warm and quiet
From the edges of my eyes and my ears
Then all that disappears

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide
Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide

What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you
From doin' this to me?

I am here again.

2008-08-12T22:18:00.004-04:00

Im here, at “the spot,” which I think I can officially call “my” spot now. --The viewing area at the airport. The sun is setting on another day, yet I am not really excited about it. It’s chilly out and I forgot to bring a sweat shirt. I probably won’t stay long, but I had to get my mind off things. I could not just sit at home and wait for a phone call. One that I know I will never get.

I am dealing with some issues of my own these days---aren’t I always. It’s my issue of being alone. I don’t want someone just to be with someone, I want the real someone. Time and time again I think I have found that someone, and it usually just leads to heartbreak. It’s usually me--the one who breaks things off. However, I realize that I usually always have someone in my life. Why? Maybe it stems from something in my childhood, maybe it stems from my low self esteem. Who knows? I wish I did. Someone told me just the other night what I have been saying for years now...how can I expect someone to really love me; if I cannot seem to love myself? But, what if I do love myself---when I am with someone? Then it’s a catch 22. I cannot win either way.

Everyone keeps telling me to move on, I need to be alone for a while. To find the real me (Because once I find the real me, all my troubles will disappear, right?). How am I supposed to know what the real me is? What if the real me is being with someone? I admit I can be alone. I can handle myself. I am capable of doing it all on my own. But I don’t like it. And I am done being desperate. But just when you think you found the one, either: 1. I break it off, 2. they do not feel the same way about me, or 3. it just goes under.

But I will also admit, I don’t like being alone. I don’t need someone there for me in my life, but I want someone there. I am done being desperate. He needs to come find me. Everyone says “you’re looking too hard” and “it will happen when you least expect it.” Ok, that’s fine. But I wish God could speed up that process. =)

I’m done looking. I am declaring that right here, right now. I AM DONE LOOKING FOR LOVE. I guess I will just suck it up, get used to be alone, and let love find me.

For now, it’s just me and the dog.

Is it a problem....

2008-08-10T21:11:00.002-04:00

that I tend to usually cry at church? I went to church this morning, and once again, I began to get all teary-eyed. I cannot pin point what it is that gets to me. Nor, can I figure out what it is I cry over. I just do. I think it might just be the Holy Spirit working within me--being proud that I have come.

Many people have told me that sometimes while being in church, you will feel as though the message is being directed straight to you. Today was one of those days, one of those messages.

What I got out of today's message:

1. The letters EP have a new meaning for me.

2. "Whatever you do, do it in the name of Christ, do it in the reputation of Christ." - This means really taking a long, hard, look at myself and my actions. Do I do the things I do, with Christ in mind? No. Not always. Probably hardly ever. That is something I really need to work on and change. Not only in my mind; internally, but also through my behavior; externally. In relationships.

3. I need to rid myself of anger, slander, rage, and malice. This is something that comes so easily and is often hidden in a disguise--sometimes of laughter, sometimes in plain conversation. What good is it? None.

4. "To set my sights higher and live with more victory over sin, I need to...???" I could not come up with a decent answer to this question right away. But then I did: "accept myself." To set my sights higher and live with more victory over sin, I need to accept me for who I am. It is told to me time and time again, that I, we all are, God's masterpieces. Yet, it is so hard for me to believe that about myself. I see so many things that are wrong with me. I see the devil working his way into my life, into my mind, that makes me think these things. I am trying to overcome it, but it is hard. For so long the devil has had his way with me...thinking I am less than what I am, making me see others and wanting to be like them, wanting to be better. I need to stop. Simply stop. I am me. I am the way I am because God created me this way. I need to learn that who I am is ok. I'm getting there...slowly, but surely.

5. These next two are the hardest ones to admit. "Who I am is seen by my responses in relationships." and "Who I am is seen by my responses to His Lordship." I am going to wait until another day to respond to the relationship issue...because that is a huge issue for me. --->"Who I am is seen by my responses to His Lordship." Well then, I have a lot of work to do, let's just put it that way. But, I am working on making those responses mean more and reflect the person who I want to become....the person I know I am...the person I just need to find.

6. My progress on this journey is coming along great. I have seen the Lord working in my life, and I have watched Him work in the lives of others around me. I have begun to watch what I say more, I have begun to look ahead more--in the long run, I have begun to take notice of how I interact and treat others. I have stepped back, slowed down, turned off the tv more often, and sometimes I just sit. Sit and think. And really reflect. On myself. And while I have been dealing with the bluntness of not liking who I am/was, it brings me joy to see that I can go forward. God will forgive me. It's not that I have been a horrible person, but maybe at times I have. I have not treated others fairly, I have lied, I have envied, I have wanted, I have given in too easily, I have not tried hard enough, I have tried too hard. But with all of these realizations, comes the hope and excitement of changing. Changing my ways, changing my actions, changing my thoughts. And for that, I am excited!

7. The "Since--Then" theory. We all think it..."Since he didn't call me, then I must have said something to scare him off." "Since he doesn't like me, then I must be fat." "Since I didn't get the job, then I must not be good enough." "Since he cheated on me, then I must have been a bad girlfriend/fiance." "Since I didn't win, then I must suck at everything." We all need to change the way we think. God has a plan. For each one of us. And whether we like it or not, it's there, His plan is there for us. The theory needs to change into something like this: "Since [whatever], then it was not mean to be/then God has something better for me/then it was not His plan."

All of this is so much easier said than done.

why

2008-08-09T22:40:00.005-04:00

favorite song...so sappy...so overplayed now. so sad about it.

2008-08-09T02:23:00.001-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqRcobkdnos&feature=related

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
Loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I feel of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Sing sha la la la
Sing sha la la la la

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

It's all wrong, it's all wrong
It's all wrong, it's so right
So come on, get higher
So come on and get higher
'Cause everything works, love
Everything works when you're on

overlooked

2008-08-09T01:20:00.003-04:00

things are so overlooked. i have such a great life. my family is healthy. im healthy. maybe i havent found happiness yet, but thats ok. i will. someday. i hope.

and yet, someone i dont even know, i cry about. (http://staroftheseabreezes.blogspot.com/)

its not fair to be a widow at 28. ever. but im so sad. this guy, is so positive, so "ok" it seems. even though his wife just went to spend eternity with the Lord. i envy his strength and his outlook. i wish i could be like that.

im not that sad in reality. i truly believe that God called her home. He knew how amazing she was, and she worked her way into the lives of others. He knew she did her work, He called her home. Yet, its sad to think about. Why does He take the good ones? The ones who need to stay on this earth to help more?

I remember coming home to my dorm freshman year, and there was huge yellow squirrel on my door. "love your pledge mom, Alison." she was amazing. and i can only think that i was a pledge mom to two girls, who both ended up leaving AGD. what does that say about me? She was my pledge mom, and i ended up being president.

i remember once i thought i had "wake" duty. i took a bunch of sleeping pills so i would fall asleep early and got a ride to the house. i went there, went up to ali's room, and she was so confused as to why i was there.

i had the wrong night. she laughed at me.

i do remember doing wake with her. it was so pointless at the time, but yet, she was there with me. i do remember that.

she is with the Lord. Im not sad. I cannot be. God had this planned out since before she was in the womb. Maybe i dont understand it. i dont get it. but what i do know is that she did her job here on this earth. she spread His word. she made others believe.

She is with Him, and we are not. Yet. We can only be somewhat jealous, right? jealousy is a sin. but how can we NOT envy her place?

Tom

2008-08-09T01:15:00.002-04:00

my pledge mom died on tuesday. i havent really cried much. not until now. when i read her husband's blog. afterwards. after she was gone. i cried. a lot.

AUGUST 08, 2008

Things I Never Wanted To Know

1) Everyone looks at you like you have the bubonic plague. And "widower" written across the forehead. They simply do not know what to say. I am really okay though, and wish humor would return. I need to print off a list of funny one-line or two jokes so I can break the ice better.

2) No one knows which way you'll feel. Do you want help, company, solitude? Even I don't know until I let my shoulders hang and put out my antennas to try and feel something.

3) Hunger stops. I've been getting headaches, stomach aches, etc, and wondering why until I realize that it's 2:47 and I haven't had as much as a sip of water.

4) Implied tasks get overlooked. This morning I left the water running. Yesterday I burnt the toast. Twice.

5) How the services and calling are arranged. All the tasks I never thought of.

ha, what love is....

2008-08-09T01:08:00.002-04:00

someone once told me that i needed to listen to this song...its really retro, but says a lot.

Was it more than attraction and a physical lust?
Her loins, my imagination, that first inconceivable touch,
That I was planning, er, I mean wishing, uh..
How embarassed I’d been if you knew what I was thinking of.

And whoa, when it started, my first thought was love,
Not just lust, because when I heard you speak, I felt warm.
In the evening I saw you, you were warming the bass up.
Your hair covered your face up,
I was acting indifferent at the merch booth, putting on makeup.

We met up at a party in a swamp on a yacht.
I spun the helm, but we were docked.

I crossed my fingers, but I didn’t beg, no ,
Cause I knew you knew,
Cause I knew you knew I liked you.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it,
But I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance with you.
I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance with you.

Close to you, wishing we’re conjoined at the tongue.
Can you hear me thinking? I should stop...

I crossed my fingers, but I didn’t beg,
Cause I knew you knew,
Cause I knew you knew I liked you.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it,
But I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it,
But I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance with you.

I figured desperate guys,
Never had a chance with you.
I knew that desperate guys,
Would never have a chance with you.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.
I knew you knew I liked you,
I knew you knew it.

Watching Airplanes

2008-07-25T08:50:00.005-04:00

Just like

the song says...I’m just sittin down here watching airplanes...take off and fly. Tryin to figure out which one you might be on....and why you don’t love me anymore.

A friend of mine showed me this place. I like to call it “our place” because we have been out here a few times together just to think, vent, and watch the planes. I know we both come out here sometimes alone to think and to just be. He doesn’t know it, but I have come out here more than once, lately to pray. But, I don’t really have the right to call it “ours.” It’s really just his. He showed it to me and told me about it. I feel guilty as if I am stealing his special place from him. Yet, I know he is at work tonight, [ha], so for tonight, I will call it all mine. Tonight, it’s mine. All mine.

It’s this place right outside of the GR Airport, called “The Viewing Area.” It is amazing. You just sit down on the hill or on a picnic table and literally watch the airplanes take off, fly, and land. What’s even better about it is that the sun sets right in the west, above the runway. It is simply gorgeous. I came out here tonight because I felt guilty sitting at home in front of the tv when it is the most perfect night. Ironically, I have had about four people call me and I just decided to put my phone on silent. I don’t want to share tonight with anyone but Phoenix. (Who is laying on the table right next to me, her back completely turned from the runway, more excited to watch the cars and people pulling in and out of the “Area.” ) She was inside all day and so when I came home we went for a 2 mile walk/run around the track, and then I took her out here. I like to think of it as a “doggy date” with my pup. Usually I would be sad and mourning in my sorrow for being alone and not having anyone here with me to share this with. But not tonight.

People always write about the sun and sun sets, that I feel like whatever I write will not even begin to give others justice. But what I see tonight cannot go without words. The sun is a huge orange glowing hanging ball. Clouds around it so that you can just see the top of it with specks in between the clouds. As I write, it’s setting faster and faster as if it knows I wanted to leave at nine o’clock--it’s drifting quicker so that when I leave, I won’t feel as much guilt for deserting it on this night. It is now a shade of pink and it’s resting on top of whatever building is in the distance. My dog blocks my view and she anxiously awaits for this worthless piece of writing to end. The air is filled with the chain rattling around her neck, birds - one of which is a yellow gold-finch resting on top of the 20ft fence around the runway. No crickets or frogs just yet. Only the sound of the humming tower behind me. I think it is used for the local weather station.

The sun is 1/2 behind the building, and its color has changed to a deep hot magenta, neon pink. The more I look that way, into the west, the more bright spots I see in my eyes. The clouds’ tips are highlighted by a silver sun glow from the setting sun. It makes the rest of the sky in the west a pallet of pastels. It almost looks like a rainbow within the clouds.

The sun is gone. All that is left is a building in the distance with broken clouds around it. Specks of sunshine, glowing neon orange between the purple-blue sky.

Magnificent.

My Journey Begins....

2008-07-24T00:02:00.003-04:00

So tonight I finally realized that this journey of mine has officially begun. Christ is showing Himself to me in a million ways. All of these things have happened to me within the past month!

(I plan on writing more in depth about each of these, but for now I just need to make a note to myself so I remember what they all are!)

1. Phoenix / dogs

2. Old friend David on Facebook

3. Stacy at SHAPE / mountain vs. valley / Sunday service

4. Kathy W. - spiritual friend

5. SHAPE / Sandy / networks with others

6. Jo Dobson / TK

7. Luann Snider

8. Alison / Alpha Gams

9. Boyfriends

10. My calling / purpose

I cannot wait to write more about this!

Tuesday

2008-07-22T11:44:00.003-04:00

Ok, whew! What a depressing mess I have been. I figured I really need to start using this page as a way to share my happiness and other good things in my life. Not to say that I am the happiest person ever, and looking at some of my past blog entries, I realize that I really needed to take a good, long, look at myself. That's where this and church comes in. I am so glad I started going to church. However, the past few years were extremely rough for me. They were hard. I won't lie. I only hope I can go forward and not wallow in the past. I am beginning to learn a lot about myself, the consequences of some of my choices, and those results. I am anxious to move forward, meet new people, and start getting to know my faith and blessings better.

story of my life.....

2008-07-20T02:49:00.000-04:00

He left me cryin' late one Sunday night outside of Boulder
He said he had to find himself out on the road
I guess when love goes wrong
You've gotta learn to be strong

So I worked two jobs and I moved three times
I ended up south of Memphis workin' down in Riverside
I may not be so lucky in love
But the one thing I'm sure of

I want a man that stands beside me
Not in front of or behind me
Give me two arms that want to hold me not own me
And I'll give all the love in my heart
Stand beside me
Be true don't tell lies to me
I'm not lookin' for a fantasy
I want a man that who stands beside me

2008-07-20T02:05:00.001-04:00

i gave into alcohol tonight. not doing so well. =(

Dear God:

2008-07-16T23:19:00.001-04:00

When I fall down, I need a helping hand.
And when I lose my head, it's cause it's always buried in the sand.
When I get stuck on myself, feelin' sorry for myself.
Will you help me grab a hold and please don't patrionize my soul.
When I start to lose control, when I get irrational, when I start to get too high,
you see me come floating by, I say

Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
Touch me in the morning sun, show me what is possible.
Touch me in the morning sun when I feel impossible, show me what is possible.
Teach me love invisible, Teach me love invincible, Teach me love invincible,
Teach me love invincible.

When youre down, you need a helping hand.
And when you lose your head, I'll help you wash away the sand.
And when you get stuck on yourself, feelin' sorry for yourself.
I will help you grab a hold and I won't patrionize your soul.
When you start to lose control, when you get irrational, when you start to get too high,
I see you come floating by, I say
Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
Touch me in the morning sun, show me what is possible.
Touch me in the morning sun when I feel impossible,
show me what is possible.
Teach me love invincible, Teach me love invincible
When we're down, we need a helping hand.
And when we lose our heads, it's cause they're always buried in the sand.
But when we get stuck on our selves, feelin' sorry for our selves.
Will you help us grab a hold and please don't patrionize our souls.
When we start to lose control, when we get irrational, when we start to get too high,
You see us come floating by, I say,

Touch us with the morning sun, when we feel impossible.
Touch us with the morning sun, show us what is possible.
Touch us in the morning sun when we feel impossible, show us what is possible.
Teach us love invinsible, teach us love invisible

Teach us love invinsible, hold us love invincible, share us love invinsible,
be us love invinsible, help us love invisible, touch us love invinsible,
breathe us love invinsible, sing it love invisible.

Life is Beautiful

2008-07-16T23:12:00.002-04:00

Keb' Mo'

Lets go driftin through the trees

Let's go sailing on the sea
Let's go dancing on the juke-join floor
And leave our troubles all behind, have a party

So easily forgotten, are the most important things
Like the melody and the moonlight in your eyes
And a song that lasts forever
Each song getting better all the time

Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright

I get crazy, so afraid
That I might lose you some fine day
And I'll be nothing but a tired old man
And I don't wanna be without you at the party

So easily forgotten, the most important thing
Is that I love you - I do
And I want to spend my days and nights
Walking through this crazy world with you

Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright

So easily forgotten, the most important thing
Is that I love you - I do
And I want to spend my days and nights
Walking through this crazy world with you
(that's right baby)

Life is beautiful, life is wonderous
Every star above shining just for us
Life is beautiful, on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world the sun is shining bright
Shining Bright

questions, things i am wondering about, things i learned tonight

2008-07-16T23:04:00.002-04:00

1. when we put ourselves down, it is like a slap in the face to God. He made us each a masterpiece. We need to love and respect that. We are who we are because He made us that way. I need to really learn to accept that. I always think, why me? I am nothing special. who cares? But I realize that I need to work on accepting myself. Then it could be easier to accept Him.

2. I am neither inferior or superior to anyone else. God each made us a separate masterpiece.

3. Success is doing what He made us to do. whatever that may be. I need to figure it out and be successful in that.

4. MY gifts are for OTHERS. Whatever my gifts, talents, abilities are; He gave them to me to serve others.

5. I need interdependence in my life. It is ok to NEED someone and for that person to need ME in order to live His way. I dont "need" anyone in my life to survive. I can get by. But it is ok to WANT someone there for you. And it is ok to NEED someone there to help lift me up and make me a better person.

I went to a church group tonight....

2008-07-16T22:19:00.003-04:00

and i came home, and i forgot that i gave up alcohol.

anyways, it [this church group called SHAPE - to begin your journey toward Christ] really opened my eyes to so much lately. maybe it will sound like i am preaching, but i am ok with that. maybe this journey of mine will inspire or motivate others. here is a facebook message/conversation i had tonight with someone whom i have not spoken with in years. he truly is an inspiration as he is 27 years old and survived a brain stroke. He told me tonight [not even having a conversation about God] that God only gave him what he could handle, and that God is not done with him, and that he will recover and move on. What an inspiration. Here is my response to Dave, my friend:

hey, sorry. my mom called me. my sister is getting married and we are doing so much planning for it. we were figuring out our flight info. (wedding is in florida where she lives.) i apologize to just leave you hanging. anyways, i totally agree with you about God having his plan and only giving us what we can handle. i feel bad when i get mad and stressed and cry about stuff, when i know He will see me through it all. I just started this whole journey and like i said, it is scary doing it all alone. but i have faith that He will guide me to have more acceptance. I swear though, it is so weird....like all of a sudden, since I started this journey, He has popped up in the most random places. And tonight was one of them...talking to you totally out of the blue and just you saying that about Him...kind of freaked me out. He is showing Himself to me in the oddest of places like he is hinting to me. It's fun at the same time. Im always wondering, "whats next?" Anyways, enough of me preaching. sorry. it was so good to talk to you and catch up. I'll pray for your recovery! keep in touch! Steph =)

how amazing is He? He is truly showing Himself to me in the strangest of places. I think I will start using this blog as a way to show others what I go through on this journey to gain a clearer and closer personal relationship with God. I can see His work in others and I feel like He does have a purpose for me in this life here on Earth. I just need to find that purpose. And it needs to begin with finding myself.

I am excited!

Michael Franti

2008-07-16T22:18:00.001-04:00

My new obsession.

Pandora

2008-07-14T21:36:00.002-04:00

it's my new favorite thing in the entire world.

http://pandora.com

im in a mood that i dont think i have ever been in before--at least not in a long time. i cant even describe it in words. i gave up alcohol. so maybe what i am experiencing is "real". and not some falsified feeling that the chemicals in the wine i usually have give me.

it sucks actually. im dying for a drink to forget about life for a while.

sadness

2008-07-14T21:33:00.002-04:00

i simply hate being sad. its even worse when you are sad and you dont even know why. or what about when you DO know why, and there is nothing you can do to make it stop? i also hate mosquito bites.

On Love, In Sadness Lyrics
by Jason Mraz & Jenny Keene

Sing about that oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
Not falsified to say that I found God so
Inevitably well it still exists.
Pale and fine I can't dismiss
And I won't resist and if I die well, at least I tried

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, rust and the rain endure.
The rust and the rain so thin
Well I'm in like Flynn again
(I'm in)

So go on place your order now cause some other time is right around the clock
You can stand in line well it finally begins oh just around the block
You can have your pick if your stomach is sick whether you eat or not
And there is just one thing that I almost forgot

Oh, see, you and me, we lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, the rivers unwind so easy
Oh, these are the comforts that be

You see, well, I'm feeling lucky oh well, maybe that's just me
Well you'd be(so)proud of me oh well, if you could only see
How we're gonna grow on up to be,
Ah yes we are thick as thieves

Sing about that oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
It's not falsified to say that I found God so
Inevitably, well it still exists so pale and fine I can't dismiss
And I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind and the rust and the rain endure
The rust and the rain endure, I'm sure.

Because I'm insofar to know the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be-
Insofar to know, the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be-
Insofar to know, the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be lost on me

Oh not tonight, said love will never ever be lost on me.
(Love will...) never ever be lost on me
(Love) will not be
Love will never be lost on me
Love...will...not...be...lost..on...me.

Lyrics

2008-06-26T00:19:00.000-04:00

I truly think I have been genuinely been in love--true love, the real thing, LOVE, with three people in my life. I deleted all three of their numbers in my phone tonight.

RASCAL FLATTS LYRICS - WINNER AT A LOSING GAME LYRICS

Baby, look here at me
Have you ever seen me this way
I’ve been fumbling for words
Through the tears and the hurt and the pain
I’m gonna lay it all out
On the line tonight
And I think that it’s time
To tell this uphill fight goodbye

Have you ever had to love someone
That just don’t feel the same
Tryin’ to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin’ to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game

I know that baby, you tried
To find me somewhere inside of you
But you know you can’t lie
Girl, you can’t hide the truth
Sometimes two hearts
Just can’t dance to the same beat
So I’ll pack up my things
And I’ll take what remains of me

Have you ever had to love someone
That just don’t feel the same
Tryin’ to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin’ to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game

I know that I’ll never be the man that you need
or love
Yeah baby, it’s killin’ me to stand here and see
I’m not what you’ve been dreamin’ of

Have you ever had to love someone
That just don’t feel the same
Tryin’ to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin’ to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game

Oh, oh, if love is really forever
I’m a winner at a losin’ game
Ooo, I’m tired of losing
Oh oh ooh

Email that I Wrote Tonight....

2008-06-26T00:01:00.000-04:00

Hi ladies!

How is your summer going? Hope it's going well! I just got back from San Antonio and I had so much fun at the Alpha Gamma Delta Convention! I cannot wait to get started advising the chapter at Central Michigan! I learned a lot and am excited to get back into my roots of the sorority life. I just realized why it was I joined that sorority and the impact I can have on other young women. Thanks to those of you who donated to the walk I participated in. I tried running most of it, but a night of karaoke + 90 degree weather at 6am that morning prevented me from running all of it. I have pictures! Oh, and....I ended up winning a huge Williams Sonoma kitchen gift set from raising over $300!!!!! Not my $1000 goal, but still awesome. Overall, together everyone raised $24,000 for American Diabetes Association! How cool!!!!!

On another note, I need some prayers:

(Some of you know this story....) My uncle passed away yesterday. He was an awesome man who lived a looooooong life. It was expected and I know God called him home to finally be with his family. He lived in Hungary during the Communist Revolution, and when he was about 8 years old, he came home from school and his house had been bombed. He found his parents and siblings in the house. Everyone was dead. He grew up with his cousins and came to the US where he met my aunt, and fell in love with her the instant he saw her. When she was sent to a nunnery (she was wild!) he wrote her love letters every single day! The last time I saw him, we sat around the dining room table and he could tell me to this day what she wore the first time they met at a "Hungarian Dance." He was the ideal man. I hope someday I can find someone who is that in love with me. Better yet, I hope someday that feeling is mutual. It was his time, but my aunt is so upset, as anyone would be. He was her life. Please pray for her, as we all know Uncle Alex is in a better place. My Aunt Judy is here without the love of her life.

Me. I am a mess. Ha. I hate writing mass emails like this that are all sappy and stuff, but sometimes I think I was brought to Michigan if not for anything else, than to meet great amazing ladies like you who make a huge impact on my life. It upsets me that I cannot talk to my mom about this. She has enough on her plate with my brother, dad, and planning for my sisters wedding back home. The last thing she needs is her middle child having a quarter-life crisis and breaking down. Oops, now I realize you all have the same issues! Sorry...I'll go on anyways....I cannot talk to my parents, as I feel like I do so much to try to impress them, even though they have no idea what all I do. Explaining this to them would just make them feel like they messed up,or make me feel like I am upsetting them. Whichever, I will not talk to my parents about this.

First of all, I am desperate for love. ha...I know I cannot rush it. I know my time will come. I need to give it time. I think I did the first step to moving out of living in the past. I deleted all the numbers of guys in my phone who I have had some connection with and who have brought me down in some way. I know this one guy who is just simply amazing. He loves me. I wish I felt the same way. I know EXACTLY what it is like to be in love with someone and not have that same feeling back towards you. It sucks. And you just wish it could be reciprocated. But how can you force something? I had a great talk tonight with a good friend. He really got to me tonight. He really opened up to me and tried to get me to talk, but when things got really serious in our conversation, and I began to cry (well just tear up), I just got up and left. PROBLEMS. When Im scared, I just run. Avoid it totally. Crying, to me, is a sign of weakness, and I try not to let people see me cry. I want to be strong.

I cannot fall back into the same pattern of always having someone there for me. I need to take it slow and I need to take time for myself. I got all sappy and began to cry, and told him I had to go and just left. Ha. ooops!

I am just so sick of everyone else being so happy in love. I am so jealous of all of you and your relationships. But when my time comes, I just want it to be RIGHT. I just want that feeling of just "knowing its right." If I am tied down, who knows if I will ever find it???

I have been going to church and even an "age group" meeting on Tuesdays, and finding out that I am having the hardest time with the three following things: believing, forgiving, and accepting the truth. Believing in God, Forgiving XXXX and myself for whatever I did to mess up that relationship, Accepting the truth that its ok to mess up and make mistakes and accepting the truth of how things are. But I think I need more than church. I cannot seem to find peace.

What makes me the happiest is doing things for other people. Not myself. To me, that is being selfish, but I dont think that I am truly happy. And I enjoy making others happy. But if I cannot make myself happy, will I ever find peace? If you asked me what happiness is, I dont think I could answer except by saying that its seeing others happy. I do not know what happiness is.

Like I said, I am a mess. When school is in session, I dont have time to think and I waste my time coming up with (what I think are...) cool lesson plans. Now I have all this free time and try to figure my life out. But I just cannot seem to do it. I know its not something that happens in a day, or a month. But you all seem just so put together and "know" what it is that makes you who you are in life. I feel like I have been searching and searching for YEARS and I still come back to nothing! I feel like I have a lot to offer people, but cant seem to figure out the most basic thing in life...who I am. And why dont people want to be with me? Does that make any sense? I feel like I am being WAAAAAAAAY too deep with you all, and I apologize.

It's just been a rough night...starting with the realization that guys in my past who I have been holding on to do not want to be with me, to someone really getting me to open up, to the wine I bought to make myself feel better (i know...its another problem....)

It took a lot for me to open up to you guys, and I am sitting here crying for no reason because of it. I know we each have our problems, and I am sorry to lay this all on you. You really do not need to worry about me...I have gotten along just fine on my own for so long now. But I feel like right now I really need some advice or suggestions. I really do not know what I am asking you for.

Maybe just a prayer that I will figure things out in my life. Or that I will find happiness. I think the reason I can never stay with someone is because I do not open up to those people who are really there for me. I saw that with my friend tonight. He tried to get me to open up, as a few others have tried, but I just cannot seem to do it. Maybe I need to try and maybe I will find that happiness??? So much easier said than done.

I am tired, and I am sorry for this huge long email. I wish life was easy.

untitled

2007-07-19T00:42:00.000-04:00

i have not felt this way in a long time.
i am not even sure what i call this feeling that i have.
i am not sure what others call it.

again

2007-07-18T21:37:00.000-04:00

it's almost been another whole year since i wrote on this. that basically sums up the past two years of my life...being trapped, thinking i was in love, engaged, then cheated on. i could not write for two years of my life. i felt as though someone was always looking over my shoulder.

ironic then, that i post my thoughts on a site which anyone and everyone can choose to read.

im happy. i am finally happy in my life. i know now that i can answer the question i ask myself and everyone i usually have a conversation with. "what is happiness?" "what makes you happy?"

i know now. i just want someone to ask me.

Songs to remind you

2006-09-30T21:36:00.000-04:00

Jason Mraz: You And I Both

"Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now,
Oh love, no
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore, mmm...And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free
And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words."

Its ironic how some songs just bring you back. i have been meaning to write about this for a while now, and i am only now sitting down to do it. what gets me the most about this song is that the person it reminds me of, well he and i never even listened to it together...ever. but part of me knows that he at one time liked this song.

the person this song reminds me of, i have held hatred towards for awhile. he cheated on me and [what i considered] treated me like shit when we dated back in college. we have tried to be friends again on and off, and it never seemed to work. lately i think about him. not in a romantic relationship way, but just in general whenever i contemplate the hardships of relationships. i sometimes wonder where we went wrong. but then i know how it happened.

like always, i was not happy in that relationship and i cant even tell you why. looking back, i can truly see his heart and how much love he had for me. and that is why it is so strange to me that i can accept the fact that he cheated on me as much as he did. [he, and his future girlfriend had both come clean about him cheating on me, so i do know for sure that he did. gotta give them some credit for honesty.] i have finally and truly in my heart forgiven him for cheating on me and treating me the way he did. it was not that bad of a bad relationship after all.

sure, there were those few times when he got so drunk he scared me. but it was college. maybe i make up excuses just so i can see the good, or "better" in people. and if i do, then so be it. it works for me. but in all reality, i forgive this person. i was so tired of hating and being mad and looking for ways to get back at him.

he once sent this to me, and i still ponder what it could mean:

"if i told you how i'm feeling...and how my heart was always reeling....and maybe you could understand me a little better........if i was to write a letter. and maybe you would understand me a little better..."

"well i found myself face down in a ditch; with booze in hair and blood on my lips; and a picture of you holding a picture of me; in the pocket of my blue my jeans.....i still don't know what love means"-RL

part of me knows that he holds a place for me in his heart, as do i. we had a fun and wild relationship while it lasted. those were some of the best days of my life in college. and i owe a lot to him. i see myself with him, and i see myself growing as a person back then. and i have him to thank for that.

looking back i hated myself for loving him at the time we were together. and then i loved to hate him after we broke up. that makes it sound like i never did love him at all, but i did. at the time we were together i made myself unhappy with him for whatever reason. but then after we broke up, i put so much love into him still--just in the wrong ways. i loved to hate him.

that may not make much sense, but when you read once again out loud, it does. all in all, the point of this blog was just to come clean and admit we were both wrong for some of the things we did. he said a lot of mean things to me, but i probably egged him on and on.

sometimes i think where we would be today. but in my heart i am sure that we would not have lasted. nothing personal to him or myself, but i just didnt see my future with him in it. i think about where we could have gone in our relationship. i think we both know that had we toughed it out a bit more, we could have made a really strong couple built on a great relationship. i also think that at that time, though, we were young and foolish. we were neither sure of ourselves, nor each other, nor our lives at the time. we were just two stupid confused young adults thinking we knew it all about love and life. we were wrong, but really in love at heart.

he was actually one of the best and worst relationships i have ever been in. i learned a lot from him and grew up somewhat. i have him to thank for that.

SO...going back to this song....i hear it and immediately think of him. is that wrong? each and every word in this song is "our" relationship from the time we met, to today, even though we dont talk. i think its a sweet song to represent what we had at one time. he said mean things to me, but he also wrote me very sweet things once in a while, or he told them to me at least. and i once took all his words to heart, and somehow ironically, i still do.

"awww, baby talk."

its been over one year now

2006-09-30T21:24:00.000-04:00

wow. its been over a year since i last wrote on here and i dont even know where to begin with where my life has taken me. i have had my ups and downs, thats for sure. i have so much to say, and just no energy to tell it all. i guess that should say enough about how i am these days.

its been a while

2005-09-03T02:01:00.000-04:00

its been so long. soooo long. so much has changed in my life since the last time i wrote on here. i moved to michigan. i let go of brian. (did i?) i found someone new, i think. i fell in love with kenny chesney, dierks bentley, and keith urban. i still drink alone. i still miss my purdue days.

i tried to blog about two weeks ago but my computer hated life and i couldnt. and i had so much to say too. but now i forgot about all that i wanted to say, and it lost its importance, so now im back here, just bored.

tonight i blog because i drink alone. i think i got my heart broken tonight. but thats just life. i am not going to discuss that issue, because it should not rule my life. however, i have nothing else to think or write about, so i guess this is it. after all....

one of the best conversations....

2005-03-22T02:25:00.000-05:00

one of the best conversations and i dont know why. but i had this one tonight with who else but amy j, and it just made me think:

VanSteph2: i miss college.
AmyDMB1: me too
VanSteph2: i was just thinking about like...id be at where else right now, or doing something more fun than this, or getting a den pop, or in the bum, or....
VanSteph2: and i just kinda want to go back, right now.
AmyDMB1: yep i know
AmyDMB1: we cant though
AmyDMB1: and anyway, its not the same as we remember you know
AmyDMB1: i always think i miss it but if i was back there, it wouldnt be fun
AmyDMB1: all my friends are gone
VanSteph2: true...i guess i miss college when it was normall...
VanSteph2: like i miss college when we were all there.
VanSteph2: like...i dont miss purdue...i mean i do...but i guess its more right to say i miss "college" or the "college years"
VanSteph2: than to say "i miss purdue"
AmyDMB1: yeah i know
VanSteph2: bc i can always go back there, but it will never be the same as how i remember it.
AmyDMB1: i regret graduating
VanSteph2: me too.
VanSteph2: i want it to be like the year 2002
VanSteph2: or even 2003
VanSteph2: 2003 is better. haha
VanSteph2: i wasnt with **** then.
AmyDMB1: yeah dang
AmyDMB1: i wish we could go back
VanSteph2: me too.
VanSteph2: time travel, haha.
VanSteph2: and even though its annoying, i miss agd too.
VanSteph2: it was a good time.
VanSteph2: and the bus, and going out. hahaha, even when werent 21...and just went to apt./house parties.lol
AmyDMB1: haha yep

this just made me think, how much i truly miss college. i wish i could go back in time, literally, and do it all over again. if i could...i wouldnt change a thing either. but if i could change a few things...i know what they would be.... ;)

there are those

2005-02-19T04:28:00.000-05:00

there are those that you love. and then there are those that you love.

there are those that you love at the time, and there are those that you love forever. there are those that you love at the moment, and there are those that you love for an eternity. there are those that you love when you are young, and there are those that you want to love when you are old. there are those that you love when you are childish, and there are those that you love and want to grow old with. there are those that you will always love, and there are those that you will always love until you die and afterwards. there are those you love and dream about being with, and there are those you dream about being in love with. there are those that you know will make you happy, and there are those who already do. there are those who you once loved, and there are those who you still do. there are those who you were once in love with, and there are those who you will always be in love with. there are those who loved you and those who still do. there are those who loved you at one time and always will. there are those who you think about each day, and there are those who think about you each day. there are those who you think about each day that you are in love with, and there are those who you think about each day that you think you are in love. there are those who touched your life once, and there are those who will touch your life forever. there are those who you cant be without, and there are those who cant be without you. there are those who you choose to have to live without, and there are those who choose to live without you. there are those who you know you are meant to be together, and there are those who know the same. there are those who you think you are meant to be together, and there are those who prove you wrong. there are those who you will find again one day, and there are those who you already lost. there are those who you will find one day, and there are those who are also looking for you. there are those whose love you know is so wrong, and there are those whose love you know is so right. there are those that care about the rightness of the love, and there are those that care more about the wrongness. there are those whose love is forever, and there is those whose love is continously. there are those who love you, and there are those who love you more. there are those who you love, and there are those who you love more. there are those that you want to be with, and there are those who you know you can be with. there are those who you want to be with, and there are those who you choose to be with. there are those who you want to be with, and there are those who want you back. there are those who you love and want to be with, and there are those who you love and cant be with you. there is that one person who loves you, and there is that one person back who you love back.

quote

2005-02-14T17:05:00.000-05:00

someone once wrote this quote for me: i believe it was originally said/written by H.D. Thoreau:

"Not til we are lost, in other words, not til we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the value of our relationships."

now i think the "real" quote is a bit different. however, the context in which this was said to me was a bit strange. regardless, i am still coming to terms with what this quote means. i mean, i know what it means, but i am searching for some other hidden meaning. i feel as though i am struggling to get something else out of this, rather than just the following:

we cannot really and truly figure out who we are as a person [both to ourselves and others], and we cannot realize how important our relationships with others are and how much they are worth, until we first lose it all [not til we have lost the world...everything that has meaning to us. or not til the world loses us...]

its like, "you dont know what youve got til its gone" type of saying. and unless i really cant find the other meaning, i feel as though this quote sucks. i mean, i could have told you this!! dont we all know that REALLY knowing...who we are, or just anything...can only TRULY be found when we start from ground zero?

what is it about spring?

2005-02-14T03:04:00.000-05:00

february is almost over already. what happened to it? march is marching right down street and before we know it, i will be writing about how much i love the first warm rain in spring.

what is it about spring?
what is it about the changing of seasons? what is it about spring that we, or at least i, love so much. and i know others agree with me. what is it about spring that makes us love? what is it about spring that makes you want to have a picnic and go on walks? what is it about spring that makes you want to be outside? what is it about spring that makes you want to be in love?

spring makes me want to go back to high school. it makes me want to re-live those days in highschool...baseball season, soccer, spring in highschool was almost the most fun. spring makes me want to go back in time.

why is it that alcohol has to be an influence to make me want to write on this blogger shit? the last um....10 posts probably have all been me under some sort of influence. how sad. i feel like none of these make any sense. they do to me at least in my head. whatever, i really dont care. i have not once went back to even read these. maybe i did once. but so nowadays, i dont even know what i had said last month, or the month before.

someone told me that my blogs are histarical and pathetic. in fact, i think i can quote directly; "your blogs are the most pathetic thing i have ever seen." and its so funny, because i really didnt care what s/he thought. the best part, was that s/he told me this out of nowhere, like i had asked about it, and another great fact was that s/he read all of them before s/he was able to tell me that, so i got the last laugh at that one. thanks for taking the time to read them at least. who says that anyways? out of nowhere? the last best part is that s/he read them all to begin with, without any force or asking of, and even though s/he thought they were so stupid, s/he will more than likely read this blog and see this shout-out specifically pointed out to her/him, and know that i am talking about him/her. hahaha. cracks me up.

on another note...do people just randomly stalk others on this blog shit? because i have a comment on one i guess, from someone i dont have any relation to, or even know...at all. so who does that? who has nothing else to do, than to look up random peoples' blogs and respond? i think its rather creepy. i really dont care if anyone looks at this, but i especially dont care if people respond. and while i guess its a bit flattering that someone took the time to read what i had to say, and i appreciate it, i think i have done a good job of really NOT advertising this to people. not that i dont want others to read it, but i dont want people just being bored and reading this...people i dont know. why? its creepy. dont you have something else to do? at least if i tell my friends about it and people who i know read it, thats one thing. but not randoms. thats creepy. i know i dont sit around and search strangers' blogs. if you do, cool. thats your thing, but it certainly isnt mine. not that im better than you, but come on...honestly...find something else to do with your life.

im not bitter. im really not. in fact im really happy lately. extremely happy actually. i have been finding a new way to appreciate life. in all forms. thats something else i will have to write about some other time im drunk. lets just put it like this: i have come to appreciate people. people of all forms, races, colors, ages, religions, etc. i love people. i come to realize that my life is my life. i believe in god, and destiny, and fate, all at the same time. i believe that i have a role and can play a part in that life, destiny, and fate. i believe in myself and what i can do. i believe in others...even when they suck. i believe in others when they dont know what they are talking about, but are sure that they do. because they probably believe in themselves. i believe in people that dont know other people but hurt them anyways--because i have seen it and felt it. i believe in the strength that i have. i believe that you can love more than one person throughout life. and sometimes those loves may overlap and sometimes they will clash. sometimes love is hurtful. but i do believe that you should only have one BEST love. i believe that you can do anything you really want to do, but it will be hard and strenuous, and annoying. i believe that i will be on stage before i know it. i believe that my screenplay will be amazing. i believe that someday i will be a really awesome teacher. i believe that life is great. this might be hell on earth, but at least we need to make the best of it. i believe that we can all make a difference. i believe that im making a lot of cliches and sounding like an idiot, but im drunk so its fine. but its these small things that i believe in that make my life a whole lot better. these are the things that make me happy. these are the things that have made my life happy. they have made me a lot happier. my friends make me happy. my "friends" who are my real friends. and even those who are just acquaintances. i am happy. i am happy in love. i am happy in life. i am not happy in myself, but thats once again another blog waiting to be written... but i am happy. for the most part.

"1,000 THINGS" to talk about when you live alone.

2005-01-28T04:21:00.000-05:00

what a lovely song:
words & music by jason mraz

'I'm overjoyed and over loved and feeling lucky
like a little boy who's hiding under covers
and looking to discover any way to play the part inside his darkened cave
well the meaning of life it starts at the nightlight
close your eyes and hope to see mine

well I've seen a thousand things in one place
but I stopped my counting when I saw your face
erasing memory I feel as though I've never seen a face before
until I saw your eyes smiling back at me thru my tears
I've been counting all these years
Now suddenly the thousand things I've seen were
nothing more than dreams of you and me

you and me quietly at a stand still
fortunately you will kiss me and I'll kiss you back
fact of the matter of is that I don't know what the latter is
that I always wanted to kiss you but
I always wanted to run from you
Because I always wanted to miss you
And that I've always wanted to come for you

So... how do you do?

so here i am...once again...getting drunk alone. yet after 1/2 a bottle, i still find myself amazingly sober. extremely sober.

by myself. with captain morgan. who else would i be with?!

im watching my Live DVD Jason Mraz in concert and that song was playing as i decided to go ahead and "blog." this is my life now that i live alone. i sit here here, no one to know, drink when i can and want to, and watch good DVD's and want to write. so here i am....still alone. but not i guess you could count that i am with 2 other guys: the captain and jason.

so this is what life is like when you live alone. i will sum it up for you all who have yet to venture out... [does it matter that i just hit replay for the 4th time of this song? i absolutely love this song live by mraz.] getting back to living alone:

1. you are alone. if you are brave enough and strong enough to venture to a different state where the only person you know [that calls you and wants to hang out and is not too busy for you] is one hour away, then you have to learn to entertain yourself without anyone else around. this can be very healing in my eyes. i have time to walk around naked if i wanted to, i have time to sit here and watch what i want to watch and drink what i want to drink, and replay the same song for the 5th time. its great. i can do whatever it is i want. at the same time, you are alone. all the time. except for those times with the captain and jason mraz--you are by yourself. its sad. its lonely. going from something you took for granted--knowing over 300 people at a campus to knowing NO ONE, is hard. i cant walk down the small campus here and see people i live with or who i know. i cant walk into the bars and know everyone in there....i cant walk into a bar. i can, but it would be alone, and who wants to do that? so face it: living alone in a new state = being alone.

2. its scary. besides not knowing anyone, you may get a scary, creepy man knocking at your door asking for money. and then later find out that hes been to other girls' apartments. creepy.

3. its money. ugh. paying bills, loans, gas, food, it sucks. [after the 6th time of playing this same song, i finally decided to change it....]

4. its growing up. i am the first one out of all of my friends [from back home] who has moved out on her own...to a different state...who is paying her own bills, tuition, loans, etc. and no one else seems to care and that is fine with me. i am learning and accepting this new concept of independence. but that sucks too.

5. its cooking, cleaning, doing everything on your own. ugh....[remember when you wanted your parents to leave you alone and treat you like an adult...well now i wish they would just treat me like a 6 year old.]

6. its freedom yet lock down. freedom = i can do whatever i want anytime of the day/night. lock down= i dont know anyone to do anything with. hahaha.

i cant think of anything else. the 1/2 bottle of captain is hitting me now and i dont know what else to write. i know i wanted to say something that just happened to slip my mind and its really going to eat at me and piss me off. however....i will come back with it i know. as for now....well i need to go refill and find something else to do alone. catch ya later.

if i dont love you...

2005-01-20T06:42:00.000-05:00

what would you think if someone said this to you:

"if i dont love you as a friend, i love you as a person."

huh?! what does that mean? they dont love you...you are not their friend, but you are still a good person? so even though you are a good person, that person doesnt like you as a friend? it doesnt make sense to me. why wouldnt someone want to be "friends" with a nice "person?"

is that a compliment? you may not be a friend, but you are still a good person? is that an insult? youre not my friend, but youre still a good person?

huh?

does it make a difference if one of your best friends said it? if it was the last thing they said before they hung up phone: "if i dont love you as a friend, i love you as a person" and then said "ill talk to you soon, bye."

this happened to me tonight, and i sat there after the phone went dead....with my eyes looking extremely confused--eyebrows all hunched up--going "what? what the hell was that? what did they just say?" who says that? what the hell does it even mean? wierd.

"if i dont love you as my friend, i love you as a person." haha, what an ass. one of my best friends tells me that...so i guess im not really their friend, but at least i have the fact that im loved as a person going for me huh? what the hell...im still questioning this.....

12-23-04

2004-12-23T04:59:00.000-05:00

unless youve ever been in my shoes, you wont know what im talking about. leaving. being drunk alone, thinking. talking. writing. how sad. this is what comes to those of us who are stuck. stuck in this world of never ending life. never ending life. you missed a good time tonight. its my last night here.

and who did i share it with? my students. and you know what? it was two of them that failed my class and came. i dont regret teaching. i loved it. just because of those two kids. those students. those people. those young men. those guys. thanks guys!

last night here

2004-12-22T04:06:00.000-05:00

last night here. last night at purdue. thought this time would never come. but the reality of it all has suddenly overcome my mind.

it began as i had dinner tonight with my very first friend who i ever met here at purdue. kris. kris barr. from plano texas. we went out to eat tonight at la scala. we talked. remembered times from freshman and sophomore year at purdue.

and then we left.

hes moving to LA.

and i will be in michigan.

there was nothing ever between kris and i. but the fact that he and i are both leaving the place where we met was so sad. i will miss him so much. more than anything, i will miss our times together. i will miss our memories.

and its all ending. now. i see how quickly it is all coming to an end. i know other, better, bigger things lie ahead of me. i know michigan will do me good. i know who i will be living by. i know who is here and who is there for me. that is reassuring, but not completely.

will i forget purdue? will i forget AGD? will i forget the bars? will i forget the football games and breakfast club and the philanthropies and the Tower Acres bus i took to class every day? will i forget my amazing teachers who taught me so much and my friends and the strangers who i know, but dont really know? will i forget my ways around the streets and campus, will i forget the names of the bar tenders i have become "close" to each weekend as they just wave me into stacks? will i forget my sad times and my happy times and my "ME" times and my other times where i didnt know what i was doing? will i ever forget this summer when i was in depression and id go sit by the fountains at school late at night when no one else was around and campus was dead? will i forget?

i hope not.

im ok with this all. i am. its time to move on. im how old now?! sometimes i forget. once you hit 21, it seems like that is all that matters and any other age makes no difference. at least i have finally found happiness. well id say i have found about 85% happiness. im still searching for the other 15%....i know where it is too....i just cant get there.

its here. the time has come. im leaving. its like high school all over again, except this time im crying tears of sadness, not happiness. im sad to leave this place unlike i was my high school. im sad to move on, grow up, be an "adult." unlike i was at the time i graduated highschool. the best part about it all is that im already done. ive already graduated.

this whole semester i didnt walk on campus, i didnt take the bus, i didnt talk to my teachers, i didnt go into the Union or the Panhel office, i didnt drive around campus, i didnt go to the fraternities, i didnt go work out at the co-rec. i didnt do any of it. but im still sad that im leaving.

this was my life. and i think it will always remain my life. i need to write a book.

ps.....i just wrote this all after having finished a bottle of wine--alone in my empty apartment. how sad, but in reality...i am celebrating...dont know quite what im celebrating...but maybe its something like growing up, leaving, moving, starting over, being real, living, being happy, being sad but being ok with it, im celebrating my achievements. i did good this semester. i did good these last 6 months....lets see where the next six months take me......

im gonna miss place.
im gonna miss you.
im gonna miss my life.
my life here.
i will not be blue.

yellow and sunshine
lies ahead
growing up
moving on
nothing but the best
lies ahead

"lies" ahead?
am i fooling myself?

like the greeting cards say
and like i told my best friend in high school....

memories, laughter, tears.
sisters, strangers, friends.
crying, smiling, movie nights.
nights out. wild times. times i dont remember.
the times i will never forget.

and now here i am like a hermit sitting in my room drinking my bottle of cheap pink wine sobbing over the past 4.5 years and the life i am leaving behind and being scared and petrified of the life that lies ahead of me....

what the hell?!

2004-12-19T04:58:00.000-05:00

i thought about this long and hard before i did it....i said to myself...should i show the link to my students and put it on my screen name that i gave them all?

and you know what i thought? what the hell?!?!

im done. im done here. and im done with this place.

and i am an "english teacher."

so why not? you know what i think? i WANT my kids to see this. i want them to see. i want them to WRITE. do a BLOG. be a BLOGGER. its fun. its literature. its writing. and thats all i ever wanted. all i wanted my kids to do was write. but no...i get thrown a curriculum that no one wants to learn about...or teach for that fact... but im told to do it and i have to basically. NOT FUN!!!!

i wanted them to write.

writing, i know has helped me figure out who i am. i KNOW my students write....at home, during school...whenever. write it out on here. make a blog. MAKE A BLOG! i was in high school once, remember...i know i was depressed one minute and happy the next. i KNOW how they all feel. i wish there was a class on something like "dealing with life" in high school. id be able to teach that class hands down--be a perfect teacher [if there such thing] relate to the students, help them through it all......

so thats why i did this. to show them. if i can do it, so they can they. let them read about me. let them see who i am. let them know. i dont care. i have a lot of growing up to do and i know this. its fine. let them see. they all do too....they wont admit it, but we all know its true.

if just one of my students would write and show the rest of whoever what they possess, then i would be so happy. thats all i want. let them see this. let them know. im fine with it all. just as long as one of them does something about it. maybe, i hope, they will see this and maybe they will just try a blog.

i always hated the idea of sharing what i felt and thought with others [especially on the internet...how wierd. i still hate the fact that i became a part of this. thanks amy j...hahaha. it scares me that anyone can read this....], but there is some strange relief, some strange high of knowing that others will read this. and its a simple, yet complicated type of motivation to share it...to write it....to show it....to tell it....to paste it. everytime im about to paste something i get scared for a split second...like someone i know is going to judge me if they see what i wrote or what i thought....

and then i realize that i want to be a writer and thats what being a writer is. sometimes you may offend someone. sometimes you may say something you may have not said otherwise. sometimes you do stupid things and share them with the world. but thats what being a writer is.

so "in conclusion..." be a blogger. do it. share with us what you want to say. what is on your mind? its so refreshing. its so great. be a writer. even if its not for a grade, just do it. just BE it. if no one you even know will ever read it....someone will....and thats what makes all the difference.

"just do it" ~~nike....[how stupid. i cant believe i just said that....]

first snow fall

2004-12-18T23:55:00.000-05:00

i came here in the summer. i remember standing on my balcony sweating, smoking a cigarette. the heat was about 85* in july. the nights were warm, sometimes too hot, but usually perfect nights.

tonight i looked out and saw the first snow fall. i went out on the balcony. this time with no cigarette, but with a bottle of wine. i stood out there, roommates gone. the ones who once would share a cigarette with me--have packed up and left. im the last one to go. just like i always have been. last one to leave to go away to college, last one to leave college. but i am finally ready.

the snow is beautiful. the whiteness of it. the perfection of each flake--its a wonder to my mind and to my eyes. i just stood out there. examining the last 6 months. i have changed in so many ways. some for the better and some for the worst. back to the snow...i felt like i was in a movie. just standing there looking around wondering thinking believing, not believing, knowing, loving each second of it, hating my life, loving who i have become. i was in a movie, in my head. it was the perfect scene. the ending of a really sad movie, yet its not sad at the ending of it. its when the watchers are left not knowing a thing, and they can interpret it however they want to.

sometimes i wish i could be a snowflake. travel down very very slowly until you land on something and then look around at ease and at peace and then melt away. sometimes i think my life is a snowflake. sometimes i guess i could be considered a snowflake. i guess my life could be just like the life of a snowflake.

the wine tasted much better when i was standing out on the balcony. i was in a t-shirt and sandals, like it was summer all over again. i sometimes wish it was still summer, but then i realize how i was in a serious state of depression and never want to go back to that time--ever.

my, how time has passed, and things have changed. this summer up until now has been the biggest growth spurt for me in my entire life. now that i look back at it, after these last few months of being here, i can honestly say i know who i am.

am i happy with that person? no. of course not. i can never be pleased. but thats exactly who i am and i have finally realized that.

i love the snow. i love summer nights yes of course. i love the snow though also. which is better...well im not one to judge. guess its the mood at the time.

im sad for some reason. dont know why though. am i sad to leave? yes and no. more no than yes. all i needed was one more semester and i was right. im ready to move on. so why am i sad? cant tell you. maybe its the changing of the seasons? maybe its the changing of myself? maybe its the changing of playing in the rain to playing in the snow? cant tell you why im sad. i dont know.

im gonna go. gonna go back out on my balcony in my t-shirt and sandals. gonna bring my bottle of wine out there with me. gonna go buy a pack of smokes just to have one more, one last time. its like the beginning and end at the same time. its like it ended as soon as it began. its my life.

i love the snow. the whiteness and purity of frozen water is magnificent. but only the first snowfall of course. after that the snow gets dirty and melts and turns into slush and is ugly. i only want my life to be like ONE snowflake, and like the FIRST snowfall. nothing more, nothing less.

happy first snow fall! enjoy it! pretend its summer in the winter! but make it better the second time around!

12-17-04

2004-12-18T05:37:00.000-05:00

time in my life: i always thought that when i graduated from purdue my life was going to end. then i graduated. and i was so scared. i stayed at school for one more semester. felt like i was everything before i graduated. and then nothing afterwards. how sad. i worked. had a real job. became an adult. all the while, thinking it was over it--college---but really seeing that it wasnt at all. they say high school is the best time in your life...well its obvious those people didnt go to college. i say that now because i had a student who wrote something about high school being the best time in her life, when she learns and finds out who she is really is...well i can only pray that she go to college and really see the truth. she knows that im talking about her and she will know what i mean after she goes to college. anyways....so im sad tonight. i cant figure out why. is it because im finally leaving? is it because that for once i thought highly of myself and though i was becoming somewhat decent at something--teaching? who knows? i feel as though i have a small bond with my students and really relate to them. if they only knew. its so funny to think that they think highly of me, or that im better, or that i am some sort of "higher up." im not at all. lets be honest. i love those kids like they are the ones i supervised at the pool. [where i worked for a few summers]. i love them. in the way that 1. i look out for them like they are my little brother or sister. 2. i want the best for them. 3. i want them to all succeed. 4. they are so awesome. i have the best time with them. they dont realize that its my job to teach them. they dont see that all i ever wanted was for them to pass the class. they dont see that i really dont care about their grades, its the school that does. they dont see that i was in their shoes only 5 years ago. they dont see. its so funny to me. i dont care. i know what high school was like. i hated high school. HATED it. remember i never was asked to a dance?! i hated school. these kids think that i know nothing. do i like usher? they ask me. how funny. do i look that old?!?! anyways...they dont get it. im not out to fail them. i love them as my students. they are so fun. they are soooooooooo funny to me.....owell. things they say, times when they fart in class, times when they fall out of their chairs. all i want to do is laugh, but no...i have to be this "Teacher" this role model type. this...someone who is not me. they can be so cool they have no idea. they all have no idea what lies ahead of them...no clue. wait til they all go to college...they will see. and they will have no clue about me or even remember me...but i will remember them. each and everyone of them....they were my first students.....how fun. they wont know me, but i will know them.

anyways...so im so sad about tonight. leaving all and everything behind me. all but my future---grad school, which ive wanted for so long now.....and now it seems so sudden. so unreal...so not there, so not true. so fake. it is fake. but im going to michigan. going there for some reason that i always told myself i would never do...for a guy. but im happy now about it. and thats all that matters. but im leaving my life. MY LIFE. this has been life for 4.5 years now. longer if you count my sister being here. 4.5 years. purdue PURDUE. wouldnt change it for the world. would not change it for the world.

ive cried my tears. ive laughed my funny times. ive drank ALL the beer. ive seen the fights, the shows, the acts. ive played the games. ive done [and passed] the classes. ive met the strangers. ive seen the bars packed and emptied. ive walked campus late at night when no one else is around. ive done it all.

and im done. ive graduated. why am i so sad about it all? its because im afraid. im afraid of change. im afraid of leaving. for once in my life i know what is real. i know what and who i am. and for once in my life i dont know what comes next. what does come next? im scared. who do i meet now? havent i met all the friends i need to know? where do i go now? home? where is that nowadays? who do i become when i am no longer here? no longer "purdue?" what then? what next? who next?

purdue. who would have thought? who would have thought me...graduating with honors---doing it all--would be so sad? i am a teacher?!?! WHAT? if those kids only knew me...haha, they would be BLOWN away!!!! haha, just ask the one who saw me on Homecoming night by the bars after i had "been out" for 17 hours...he knows. haha! if those kids only knew...it makes me think about my teachers in high school....wow! who would have thought....being a TEACHER...would make me so sad? those of you who know me, know that i complained each and everyday about it. but really, deep down inside i loved it. it was a good time. a lot of stress, but i loved it. i tried my best to have those kids pass. i did all that i could--i feel at least. maybe i could have done more? who knows? at least i know that i tried and i can learn from my mistakes and move on to being a better teacher. those kids dont have any clue how hard i tried. i hated teaching and i loved teaching because of them. i hated to love it and i loved to hate it--teaching. tried my hardest. and im so sad to leave them. i really am. had a lot of good ones, and a lot of shitty ones.

i guess i feel like ive done all i could at this place. its time to pack up and go. and im ok with that. i am ok. remember...."by tuesday i will be fine."

realizations

2004-11-24T04:44:00.000-05:00

i just realized tonight what a horrible friend i have been to one person in particular in my life. and thats just it....he was not really so much in my life at all for the past 3 years. but you know, he was one of those people who is always in the back of your mind, just there, just thinking about them, maybe remembering something and that person pops up, or you go home and someone says "oh i saw so and so the other night," and it makes you consider calling that person just to say hi....yea, one of those....a friend...who was once a really good friend, and time or something just got in the way...life got in the way....one of those....

i found out tonight, that since the last time i talked to my friend, he has 1. met a lady 2. proposed to her 3. got engaged 4. got married 5. has a one year old daughter 6. has another baby on the way and 7. is building a house. All this has happened in his life in 3 years. i know the phone works both ways so i know that i cant be too down on myself about this, but still...after all that time of knowing each other, we slipped away from it all. i tried to tell myself "oh, it was just that i was so busy in college." but come on...sure i was always super busy, but too busy to pick up the phone and call someone? i guess it was more like an excuse; "i always tried to be too busy." how horrible.

i cant fully understand and believe that 1. its been that long since i have talked to him 2. i actually did that to someone [totally left them out in the dark] 3. never tried just a little bit harder 4. let a great friendship completely slip away 5. i had forgotten all the memories [good and bad] 6. acted that way. i am shocked with myself, and rather disgusted to be honest. when he told me what was "going on in his life" i didnt know what to say! all i could feel inside was "wow, its really been only 3 short [but long] years, and all i have done is graduate?!?!?!"

its amazing how one conversation can completely change your life, your outlook on things, and can make a person change. all i can think about now are all the people who i have lost contact with--from high school, from my freshman year at purdue, since i graduated, and not to mention all the people that i will someday lose contact with. its a given. people move on--to bigger and [sometimes] better things. people move on--not necessarily "get over" a person, but everyone sometime or another has to move on--grow up. i guess it just wanst until today that i realized what could happen from the time you talk to someone until you talk to them again, someday down the road. [how interesting my high school reunion is going to be....] you just do---move on. you have to. everyone has their own lives and day by day each one of us moves on. not everyone you know is going to know about it either. it takes two. both parties have to give a little. how strange. i didnt think back then that when the next time came that i talk to this person, he was going to be married, with two children, and building a house for him and his family to live in. its amazing how some of us just grow up so much quicker than others.

i guess my only advice is dont wait 3 years to call someone. try a little harder. you never know what you are going to miss. and trust me, feeling the way i do right now sucks. i still cant believe that 3 years ago we were talking about buying new cars and working together at best buy....its so cliche, but my....how time flies...[when youre having fun...], and only if its truly "having fun." not making up an excuse that you were.

people i need to call or write to tomorrow....hmm....

----->(i guess though, what would suck more, is when you try to get in contact with someone and they just dont try back--at all--its like they dont care about you or your life at all anymore. im sure that is worse, and more depressing. im glad that at least i have come to this realization and can change. otherwise, one day---someone out there is going to want to contact someone, and that person wont be around anymore. and thats probably an even worse feeling to have than the one i have right now..... at least you know that you were the one who tried...thats all a person can do....thats another blog, another time.....)<------

i know...

2004-11-02T01:25:00.000-05:00

i know i cant push time but i want it to be tomorrow

i am so impatient.

i say im too busy for love but i want true love today
i say i want to be independent but im just too stubborn to admit i need anyone
i know im not fat but i want to lose 12 pounds

i love to hate and i hate to love
i want to love but i hate hugging

i think i need to be better than others but i know im fine the way i am
i think im not worth anything but i am to at least one person out there
i know i should be happy but i cry myself to sleep sometimes

i want to be an actress and i put on a show each day

im here.

i feel strong but i know im weak
i know im jealous of others but i have a great life
i open up to anyone but no one knows the real me
i try to figure out who i am but i dont know the real me

i realize all of this.

i know there are people here for me but i dont give them a chance
i know i give good advice but i never listen to myself
i know its easier to be happy but i put more effort into being mad

i know im sheltered but i know a lot

i have so many goals but i always make up excuses to work towards them
i have this front that i know im just afraid to lose
i know im an adult but inside im just a child

just a child

i know all of this.

so what then?

boredom

2004-11-02T01:05:00.000-05:00

im gonna get out of this place
as soon as i can find my way
but until then all i gotta say:
is look a little deeper
try a little harder
keep focused
the stars tell it all
they never lie
and from what i can see
you have a beautiful future

stupid

2004-10-21T02:09:00.000-04:00

"Stupid is forever, ignorance can be fixed. " ~don wood

you would think that the stupid ones could be fixed--you know have them learn something--a fun fact or an important date in history.

but its the ignorant ones that are able to learn from being stupid.

at least the ignorant ones have some hope....

sleep

2004-10-11T02:15:00.000-04:00

there are a few lines in this song that i like and it makes me think about sleeping each time i hear it:

"As im all by myself tonight, not again, not again. And dont it feel alright. And dont it feel so nice. Lovely."

whether it is in reference to simply staying in on a friday night watching tv by yourself, or going to bed alone--lately whenever im getting ready to rest my eyes this line pops up into my mind...

i used to want to be held each night before i went to bed. lately im finding peace in the simplicities [and in the complexities] of being alone. sleeping alone. i can spread out in my own bed....its just a twin, but its perfect for me. sometimes i still yearn for arms around me. but more so than not, im enjoying tossing and turning--alone. it may seem to some people that its a sad line; being "by myself tonight." but thats where the simplicities and complexities come into play.

its an oxymoron, really. the complexities may seem more obvious, being alone; again; which means it occurs more than once. most would take that as a negative--a sad thing--being alone. but the simplicities; the peacefulness, of just being at ease, asleep, dreaming in my own world....to me that is the positive. its simple.

it does feel alright. it does feel so nice.

that one line: "lovely." it is.

thanks mraz

things to do

2004-10-01T03:14:00.000-04:00

run in circles in the sand then fall and roll around in it and then throw the sand up in the air and let it fall all over you. laugh. cry. call your exes. reconcile with enemies. call home. write your siblings a letter. lightening bugs: catch them. BBQ's. concerts. vacations. write a book. butterfly exhibits at the zoo--wear hairspray and perfume so they come to you. moon walks. dance in the hallways at school. go back to the very first house you ever lived in. watch home movies. rake leaves and jump in them with a kid. shovel the snow for your parents. take an airplane flight alone and then get off and take a vacation by yourself. meet new strangers. sit at a bar alone. go to see a sad movie alone and cry. bring a friend to get your carwashed. buy a poster of your favorite singer and put it on your door. email friends from elementary school. write a thank you card to one of your teachers. visit your highschool. go to your high school's homecoming football game. play with the puppies at the humane society. befriend a 13 year old. jump in a pool with your clothes on. do a keg stand. body surf. parasail. go to wisconsin with a group of friends. do things in the name of love. trust your heart. believe in fate and destiny. learn one new thing each day. vote. buy an old car. take your parents out to dinner. make a neckalce out of beads and wear it out. paint your walls and get dirty. color easter eggs and hide them even if its for yourself. bonfires. kiss in public. cook dinner by using your grandma's recipies. visit the country your ancestors are from. go to a minor league baseball game. watch fireworks. on your birthday tell everyone that its your special day. go to a seafood restaurant. try a liquid cocaine shot. be the first one on the dance floor. call a radio station and request a song. enter contests. live. have a pet. take a nap in a park. play on a playground. volunteer--be philanthropic. visit a nursing home and listen to their stories they want to share. try. fail. smile. eat. drink kool-ade. drink beer on the train.....more to be added later.......

moon walks

2004-09-28T01:16:00.000-04:00

i love it when the summer begins to turn to autumn. it really has to be my favorite time of year. i had this epiphany last fall when i was driving home to Brian's over October Break. on the way to Michigan there are a lot of long stretches of trees off the highways. the colors on the trees are what really got to me last year. really, take a look around you this fall. look at the trees. the colors that the leaves turn amazes me. its a rainbow. such a wide variety of shades of red, orange, yellow, green, brown. i think its simply one of nature's wonders. even though i know that the leaves are dying--nothing more, they are dying; losing life. yet, nothing looked so beautiful at the end of its life. if you take a moment to think about it, youll see the irony. i hope i look like a leaf when im dying--beautiful and still full of color, lively.

i love the crisp air in the fall. time for sweatshirts again, finally. the sun is still warm--not as hot, but its still able to warm your face when you're outside. thats all i need: cool air and warm sun on my face.

not as many bugs out. pumpkins. warm apple cider. apples--i swear apples taste better in the fall. red ones though. green ones are for summer.

i love the cool fall nights with the bright full moons. i truly believe that the moons are brighter in the fall.

go on a moon walk.

everything fades away
in the moonlight
but i can see your face
i can feel your presence
and hear your voice
even though you're miles away
i feel the coolness
of the night
i feel the warmth
of the moon light
and the stars remind me of you

mosquitos

2004-09-14T03:19:00.000-04:00

the enemy had won

My will power
had failed me
Their will power
hungry

I tried staying as long as
i could outside
but there were so
many

I began to become a human
honey suckle
my blood golden

I stuck it out as long as
i could oustide--
my will power

Once one flew
in my ear
I gave up

packed up
my will power

8:26pm, 8/2/4

**************
this was something that i wrote when i was in Door County with my family this summer. it came back to me this weekend when i was outside and got eaten alive. damn things! i hate them!

Millions of them--
billions
tiny little things that cause so much annoyance!

sometimes all you need is home

2004-09-11T12:59:00.000-04:00

random, just get up and go. sometimes you just need to go home. sometimes you just need your own bed, your family, old faces, and hilarious neighbors...

so miss the first breakfast club of the year (drinking this early kills me, i can do without it), miss the game (its ball state it's fine), miss your friends that are in town visiting (sorry guys), miss the fun times at the bars (they will be so crowded anyways)...

eat mcdonalds breakfast in the car and have my own breakfast club, go home and watch the game with your mom (shell do the laundry without me even asking her), see old friends (im finally coming home), go to the local pubs at home (ok, so a beer is $5, but you dont have to wait)

cont.

2004-09-10T00:40:00.000-04:00

since im on this whole "what should i do with my life" streak, i decided to run into Borders earlier. i walked to the "self help" section...somehow i knew thats where i needed to go. what did i find, but a book titled "what should I do with MY life?" so i bought it.

http://www.pobronson.com/index_what_should_I_do_with_my_life.htm

go figure

2004-09-09T19:19:00.000-04:00

so, after seeing a "counselor" about figuring out my life, she tells me to go take this test that costs like $10-20. so i go and take it. fill in 1000 bubbles on a scantron, sit there for 45 minutes. its those tests that tell you what kind of personality you have and what you are good at and what you should do with your life and what you would fail at. i take it. get my results back. what are the top 10 careers that it says i would be good at: elementary school teacher, community service organizer, school administrator, special ed. teacher, public relations director, high school counselor, lawyer, paralegal, corporate trainer, and english teacher.

so...i paid this money and spent all this time to figure out that what i would be good at is either: 1. what i majored in and hate, 2. what my dad wants me to be, 3. something i have no interest in or, 4. a career that my major has nothing to do with which means that i would have to go back to school and take out more loans just so i can get another degree

so, once again i am stuck at square one on trying to figure out my life...

(maybe its a sign that i should just give teaching a try?!?!)

first time

2004-09-09T03:54:00.000-04:00

so, for the record--and i told amy j that i would do this first-- im using her as an inspiration for doing this--this blog thing. ok, so maybe i am copying her a bit, but its fine. she told me that it was. anyways, so amy j: here is YOUR"shout-out!" thanks for the approval. ps, check out her blogs, she wants visitors: amyj28.blogspot.com

now...so this is a blog. hmmm...this could be fun. i think that i might become obsessed with it actually. i really dont know what im supposed to do with this...ha, i think this is so funny for some reason.

im sick. tonight i am sick. so i stayed in and watched two chick flicks...alone. i sat on my bed and drank fruit punch kool-ade. (its my favorite.) "the prince and me," which i think that i probably could have written that movie myself--3 years ago when i took a film class in school, it was that typical. and then i watched "13 going on 30." cute movie. that one i actually liked.

that kinda makes me think back to when i was 13. what was i?...in 8th grade? id have to say that my 8th grade was probably the best grade of my life looking back on it. besides freshman year at purdue, 8th grade was just so much fun...

the 7th and 8th grade dances once a month, your first kiss, your first slow dance, hanging out at friends' houses every weekend, going to movies in huge groups, sneaking out [we would always "camp" in back yards and then all meet up and just hang out at my elementary school. it was normal back then.], smoking your first cigarette, getting a hair cut like jennifer aniston...

8th grade was also my grunge stage though. i remember always hanging out with the skaters and bikers. thats funny because i was a cheerleader in 8th grade. how random.

whats so true, like in the movie, is that when you are younger, you just want to be an adult...you want to be treated like one, you want to wear makeup, drive a car, etc. and now, being only 22, id give anything to go back to being 13. id love to not be able to drive a car and have my parents and my friends parents pick us up and drive us everywhere. id love not having money and having my parents buy me everything still, id love not having much responsibility and being teated like a KID.

i see this going on with my brother. hes 12. he just started jr. high. the same school where i went. although now it has a new gym, cafeteria, and even a new hallway. figures...that happened the year after i left.

i look at my brother and see him starting this new phase in his life and i can only begin to think back to that same time in mine. i know i was so scared and nervous to go to "jr. high." but when i talk to him, he seems fine. i know guys are different, but i know deep down inside of him, somewhere, he gets nervous. but i see him, and all i can think of is my time in jr. high. it sounds so childish, but i can remember so much of those two years in 7th and 8th grade. and they were 2 amazing years.

my brother acts as if i dont know a thing about him and his friends. and although it was 10 years ago i was in his place, i can remember so much. at least i am able to talk to him about it though. like the other day i was talking to him online and i was telling him that he was going to have so much fun at the dances---he refuses to go though, because hes "too cool." although back in my day, the dances were what was "cool." anyways...i told him how hes going to start hanging out at his friends houses...like in the basements with guys AND girls....and hes convinced that my parents are sooo strict that they wont let him. but what he doesnt understand is that i have his back. A. my parents would let him. and B. even if they said no, id talk them into it. all i have to do is remind them that i did it when i was his age. and i know we werent up to doing anything bad....watching movies, maybe playing a bit of Truth or Dare and getting that first kiss...but if it didnt happen back then in someone's basement, it was going to happen somwhere else....

but my brother, what an awesome kid...hes still a kid to me...he wants to be treated like an adult. he doesnt understand why my parents wont let him get a cell phone. he wants to be able to go wherever he wants and not have to call in. sound familiar? i totally remember being the same way. now...i call my parents more than ever and i dont even have to. its so funny how things turn out isnt it? how funny....back then you just didnt want anything to do with your parents. and now, i dont think that i would be able to survive without them.

oh my little brother...that is a whole other blog in itself. i could talk for ages about him and what i think of him. hes amazing.

back to the subject....growing up sucks. i wish i was 13 all over again. its such an awkward time though. i feel like everyone is ugly at age 13. looking back...my friends and myself included where all in that "funny looking" stage...puberty. you know...when guys are getting their growth spurts, and girls are becoming "developed" and you get pimples, and still have--or maybe are--finally losing that baby fat, and just everyone seemed so funny. besides all that, i still would love to go back and be 13 again. who wouldnt?

at least for the next two years of my life, i can relive those jr. high times through my brother. i cant wait to hear his stories! and the best part is, is that i will make him tell me all about it because i want to hear them all! its not like hes going to go up to my parents and tell them about what went on at the movies or in someones basement. he really has no one at home...not with his sister and i gone...but i cant wait for him to tell me everything. oh...i could be like a chaperone at the dance...ok, just kidding i would probably embarrass my brother so much...i know better.....

its amazing what one chick flick can make you think of isnt it? i knew i was going to become obsessed with this and just ramble on....

(and im obsessed with the elipsis: ....)